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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / Questioning my sexuality

Topic: Questioning my sexuality

20 posts, 0 answered
  1. IAMTHEONE
    IAMTHEONE avatar
    10 posts
    12 June 2021

    Apparently I made an account on here back way back in 2014, haven't gone by this name in ages. :P I'm not really sure who to talk to about this so I thought I'd try here, I won't go into too much detail about certain things here since it may not be entirely *ahem* appropriate so I'll do my best to keep it clean.

    Anyway, I'll just give a quick backstory. I came out as Transgender quite a few years back and have gone through HRT and all that, after a while I sort of came to the conclusion that I'm not actually Transgender but rather probably just a really effeminate guy, and I'm actually rather content with that. As far as relationships go, I've never been in one mostly because I never really put in the time to find someone apart from a few crushes I had way back when I was a teen. in recent years I kind of just never bothered with it and thought that a relationship wasn't important to me or that I may possibly be Asexual.

    So, for the past month I've had a few strange things happen to me that has made me question question whether my sexuality is what I always thought it was. I always assumed I was straight since I did find women attractive, but I never had any real deep sexual attraction towards women, I just though it was just how I was. It all started when I began having intense dreams and fantasies about men, I thought if I were going to have anything like that it would be with a woman. Along with a few other things I found myself being leaning towards men than women, which is confusing me to no end.

    I'm not sure if its anything, I've been like this for a while but its only been the last month I've started to think about it seriously. It might be a phase, or maybe I'm just thinking to much. Well, thanks for getting to the end of this wall of text, if anyone has any thoughts or something it would be greatly appreciated since I'm not havening much luck figuring it out myself.

  2. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    678 posts
    12 June 2021 in reply to IAMTHEONE

    Hi IAMTHEONE , welcome here and thank you for this post .

    I am Jo , trans mtf ( Jo was born 9/12/20 ) . Quite young still but after nearly 70 years of gender dysphoria quite a relief .

    I thought I was lesbian ( if that's possible?) But now think asexual . I do miss intimacy and deep friendship though . That could be any sex ?

    In my mid 20's I had a good male friend and had dreams of making love with him . Was never acted on but maybe love IS where you find it . Its the only attraction to a man I have had ?

    I guess curiously is one thing at play here ? A good councillor might be able to help explore this .

    I get asexual as I can just not bother about stuff then ? Overthinking is something we all do here . Hope there is something here that is helpful or interesting .

    Lol Jo

  3. therising
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    therising avatar
    2087 posts
    12 June 2021 in reply to IAMTHEONE

    Hi IAMTHEONE

    I always have the deepest admiration for anyone who's trying to work themself out. It can definitely get confusing and take years of hard work. If there's little guidance and reference, the work can feel impossible.

    In the process of working my self out, I've found it pays to have an open minded sense of wonder coupled with an easily triggered brilliant (bright) imagination. By the way, something else is pays to have is the ability to sense when people are shutting down your wonder and imagination. Such people are of no help at all generally, they're typically closed minded and tend to put the brakes on your quest for self understanding. You obviously wonder a lot, an indication of how open minded you are. Hope you don't mind if I trigger your imagination:

    Imagine everyone holds a kind of energy. You're either attracted to or repelled by certain energies. For me, I can't stand the vibe of an alpha male or female, way too intense and uncomfortable. Give me the vibe of well balanced masculine/feminine person and I can feel the balance in everything they do and say. To be able to get a good sense of someone's energy, you may need to remove any social label from them, such as male, female, transgender, bisexual, homosexual etc etc. Sometimes the labels can get in the way, creating some bias. The feminine is a soft kind of energy - gentle, nurturing, careful (full of care), forgiving and so on. Even the female form is generally soft and a little squishy. The masculine is a firm kind of energy - strong, commanding, carefree (risk takers who climb trees as kids), take no prisoners and so on. The male form is generally less soft and resembles more of a powerhouse. All traits give us certain abilities.

    Both forms and both energies are highly attractive in a variety of ways. In some cases, it's not so much a matter of who we're attracted to. It can be more about why we're attracted to these forms and energies. Do they trigger more excitement, do they offer the opportunity for us to balance our self out, do they offer the chance to delve into the world of wonder and experimentation and so on? Sexual energy is a whole other level of excitement.

    So, you could ask your self the question 'What kind of energy do I currently have (is it balanced) and what kind of energy am I looking for in a partner?'. See what naturally comes to mind.

    Btw, I don't believe you're thinking too much. I do believe you're wondering a lot instead. You're a wonderful person.

    :)

    1 person found this helpful
  4. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    5580 posts
    12 June 2021 in reply to IAMTHEONE

    Hello.

    I will start with the confusion ... like therising I dont think you are over thinking. We can either examine the issues or pretend nothing happened. And if we examine the issue it can present some challenges to be addressed and raises many questions, which can appear confusing. In this way it may be painful to do this instead of thinking "that was weird!" and doing nothing with the thought.

    If you were able to get an answer to the questions/thoughts raised, would that allow you to be able to put an answer into a box and say "that is what I am". I don't really know where on the spectrum (sphere) of sexuality you might fit and talking to others in those groups you might be able to find where you belong.

    finally, and this is more about myself perhaps but ... I try to find answers to my questions and if I find something on the Internet that closest matches what I am thinking I will say "there is my answer". And I take that to my psychologist, I can get a "yeah.... but....." and that is because she has more experience and knowledge than myself. Which takes my back to the prev. paragraph, that by asking and chatting with others you will get the answer. Regardless, you are also a special and unique person that deserves celebration.

  5. IAMTHEONE
    IAMTHEONE avatar
    10 posts
    12 June 2021

    Thanks for the replies, I've had a lot to think about and still trying to figure things out. I don't expect things to be sorted anytime soon but Rome wasn't made in a day.

    I do think I need to be more open on this since I've spent pretty much all of my life avoiding the topic and just put it down to me not being interested. I'm going to try and find some more people to talk to but never having had this conversation before, I don't really know where to look. I can continue to talk about it here for as long as people are interested in it, but I would like to find others too.

  6. therising
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    2087 posts
    13 June 2021 in reply to IAMTHEONE

    Hi IAMTHEONE

    Someone once gave me a piece of advice that I wish to share, in the hope that it changes your life in all the ways you desire. I also happened to read a book not too long after which offered the same life changing advice and this is - Find your circle.

    You can have a circle of friends, close family, extended family, work colleagues etc who don't necessarily have the same understanding, experience and view points as you. These are the people who may not hold the ability to raise you to discovering and loving who you naturally are. To love who you naturally are is an amazing feeling. This is where finding your circle of people who can support you and raise you to find the best in yourself comes in. For some folk, actually being in the wrong circle of people can become deeply depressing.

    Sounds like you've begun looking for that circle of people you need in your life. I imagine, when you find these people, they will lead you and raise you through a lot of revelations, a lot of self acceptance, a lot of mind altering positive new beliefs and so on.

    The other tip that was given to me involves the fact that our circle can change over time. The first group of people may basically raise us to productively question all the things we've found questionable. The next may raise us to love questioning and wondering and imagining who we have the potential to become. The next may involve the people who push us/challenge us to go so far outside the square to the point we become truly amazed by who we naturally are. Never in a million years could we have imagined our self to be this incredible. Sometimes we may even take a friend from one circle with us into the next. In 'gathering' new friends along the way, at some point we become surrounded by people who have done nothing but raise us to discover both the best in our self and who we naturally are.

    Personally, I found one of the toughest parts of such a process involves letting go/detaching from the people who did or do the opposite of raising me. In this process, I've come to define 'guilt' as simply asking me 'Who do I want to be?'. Guilt is nothing more than a point or kinda 'signpost' of consciousness, not actually a bad thing. If I choose to be 'She who discovers who she naturally is', letting go of certain people is not my fault, letting go is a gradually developing ability.

    :)

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    678 posts
    14 June 2021 in reply to therising

    Thank you so very very much therising . This last post about the circle is a huge piece in my puzzle . Thank you ( perfect timing to xxx )

    Love and peace , Jo

  8. therising
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    therising avatar
    2087 posts
    14 June 2021 in reply to Jo8049

    Hi Jo8049

    I'm so glad you've found that piece :)

    The guy who first gave me this piece of advice is an absolute legend. I suppose you could say he's an advisor to the soul. He works as a 'spiritual coach' (non religious by the way). I see him on the odd occasion when I'm in need of support and direction.

    I met him a few years ago when I was 47, when I could feel myself slipping back into depression. At that point, I'd been free from depression for about 13 years. It was perfect timing. Fist time I saw him, he led me to tears. His advice 'You need to forgive yourself for moving off the path to becoming who you naturally are. Don't be so hard on yourself if you lose your way occasionally'. On this occasion, his other advice was 'People are going to throw mud and sh*t at you as you become more of who you naturally are. You have to learn to wash of the mud'.

    Being one of those quirky 'Signs from the Universe' sort of gal, the sign I found on the way home from meeting this incredible man made me laugh. Pulled up to a red light and looked over to my right to find a huge billboard that read 'WASH OFF THE MUD'. It was a sign advertising laundry powder. I do believe the powers that be (whatever they are) have a sense of humour :)

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    678 posts
    14 June 2021 in reply to therising

    Thank you once again , therising xx.

    Jo's journey has flowed , perfect timing . The universe does very much have a sense of humour to .

    Visit us in the Transcendent Rainbow Cafe sometime .

    Lol Jo

  10. IAMTHEONE
    IAMTHEONE avatar
    10 posts
    16 June 2021

    Hi All, sorry for not responding for a while, was doing a lot of thinking.

    I tried to get in contact with some sexual counselling where I live but they're not taking new clients which is annoying, but I do have this so at least I have some back and forth with another person and not just myself. I did find a group happening this weekend where I might get to speak to some people face to face. Other than that just been doing a lot of thinking, I know my friends and family would be okay if I did tell them I was gay, they were all very supportive when I told them I was trans. However telling anything to my parents will be hard at the moment since they're both dealing with some major issues of their own.

    As for myself, I would be okay with myself if I were gay, it would finally explain why I never really fit in at school and why m such a bad romantic...with women at least. But therising is right, I do wonder a lot, I've got quite the imagination. These fantasies I often have all kind of involve similar men, not alpha men but more in the middle of masculine and a little feminine I guess, I'm not sure how to explain it. Also, one thing I've noticed about my fantasies and dreams is that they are not often very sexual in nature, but more emotional? Affectionate? once again, I'm not sure how to describe it. Often it involves me with another man just being happy together, they never never delve into anything too extreme. But I have to admit, these fantasies are nice, or comforting.

    I don't know if this has something to do with me being very feminine for a guy, well, considering I did at one point want to transition so that's not very surprising, I often go by the label as Effeminate or Crossdresser now days. Anyway, I guess everyone's free to free associate on whether any of this is important.

    1 person found this helpful
  11. therising
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    17 June 2021 in reply to IAMTHEONE

    Hi IAMTHEONE

    I'm so glad you've given yourself the gift of wondering as to who you naturally are. To deny yourself the gift of wonder can be depressing in some ways. Also glad you're seeking people who can encourage you to a sense of a liberating type wonder.

    I've found questioning to be one of the most important parts of any quest. To cease questioning our way to greater understanding is the equivalent of standing still. I hope the group you're coming to meet offers you some brilliance. There's nothing quite like bright people to lead the way.

    You sound truly blessed to have such supportive parents. Sorry to hear they are feeling stuck in some deep challenges. Perhaps you will be able to feel when the time is right when it comes to speaking with them. They are also blessed, to have such a thoughtful considerate compassionate child.

    :)

  12. IAMTHEONE
    IAMTHEONE avatar
    10 posts
    30 July 2021
    Well, its been a while but I've had a long time to think on this.
    I don't feel confident to call it yet but I am starting to feel strongly that I am gay after all, or at least heavily leaning towards it. Like I said in an earlier post, this doesn't really bother me as I just want to know since I always kinda dodged the subject up until now.

    I've be trying to figure out why I always found the subject of sexuality (or just sex in general) to uncomfortable. I was bullied heavily in school which did involve being called all sorts of derogatory gay names even though I never announced that I was. A part of me is thinking that this had something to do with it, but I also wonder if me also being transgender has something to do with it, I'm just speculating at this point.

    The thought of being in a relationship with a guy does feel more fulfilling than with a woman, and for the first time in my life I actually feel lonely and like I want to find somebody to be with. It is oddly nice to feel this way finally for the first time, the issue I have now though is that I have no idea what to do about it. I'm not exactly experienced in this area so I'm kinda at a loss at what to do.

    Anyway, thought I would just give an update, and as usual, any comments are greatly appreciated.
  13. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1002 posts
    30 July 2021 in reply to IAMTHEONE

    Evening IAMTHEONE, welcome back to your thread here on bb, lets party hard! lol.

    Indeed, what exactly are ones options for building a relationship with a person?

    Some people look for potential's who they are physically attracted to, desiring physical intimacy.

    Some people look for a rational reason, like dependability or loyalty, or existing friendships to grow into new directions.

    Some just get lucky enough to fluke meeting a compatible partner because they met at a party. A billion billion different ways two people might start a partnership.

    Some actively pursue on tinder/facebook/etc or other dating apps, some just go to the local pub every friday night. 

    Anyways, I like your profile picture and that you are a long time bb forummer that hasn't actually posted much, 7 posts since 2014! You keep lurking around mate.

    dng.

  14. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    smallwolf avatar
    5580 posts
    31 July 2021 in reply to IAMTHEONE

    Hi,

    Thanks for the update. Sounds like you have made a decision you are comfortable with, which will allow you to be your authentic self. Can I ask how you are feeling having made this decision?

  15. IAMTHEONE
    IAMTHEONE avatar
    10 posts
    2 August 2021
    I totally forgot i had this account since i made that one post in 2014, was quite convenient to come to these forums and discover i had an account already made. Also thank you for liking my profile picture, i made it myself :D

    I don't know whether I've fully figured it all out yet, a part of me is still kinda doubtful. It doesn't help that I'm quite an indecisive person.
    Having said that though, i am excited about discovering new things about myself that i probably repressed long ago.
    However, like i said, i don't really know how to go about it. Going out and meeting new people has always been a little hard for me, doubly so thanks to the pandemic.

    I think i still have a long way to go yet, and I'm not sure when I'll truly know when I've gotten there.
  16. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1002 posts
    2 August 2021 in reply to IAMTHEONE

    I suggest... when one "still has a long way to go" one breaks down the journey into stages. What is the first stage of the journey and where does it end or continue to?

    dng.

  17. IAMTHEONE
    IAMTHEONE avatar
    10 posts
    3 August 2021
    Honestly, i got no idea, this is all new for me and I'm still kinda working it out.
    But, i do think my next step should be to find more people to connect with, like meetups and events. But like i said, given our current situation, that's quite difficult. I suppose at least for now, i might have to wait until this whole pandemic blows over before i can really do anything about it. There's always online but i prefer face to face contact personally.

  18. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    smallwolf avatar
    5580 posts
    3 August 2021 in reply to IAMTHEONE

    Things are definitely more difficult at the moment, depending on where you live.

    There are lock downs where I live so any interactions are online. And there are pros and cons with this. It is true you cannot see people face to face. On the flip side you can do google searches for the information you are after.

    There will be a time when people will be able to meet and talk face to face... just not at the moment.

  19. IAMTHEONE
    IAMTHEONE avatar
    10 posts
    11 August 2021

    Hey all

    Thought I'd just do another update since things have happened.

    I finally came to somewhat of a resolution on my sexuality, I've kinda just excepted that I am gay after all. Being that I was bullied so much in school about my sexuality, I think I started identifying as straight just to make myself feel better, which I guess turned out not to be true. Another thing that was an obstacle for me was trying to figure out what being gay "entailed", this is hard to explain but what I mean is that I don't fit in with the gay "community" as its mostly presented in media or by mainstream internet sources. By this I mean I'm not a masculine man and nor am I necessarily attracted to masculine men, I'm also not just in it for sex, although I'm not opposed to that by any means, I just mean that if I was gonna start anything serious, I would like some sort of emotional connection.

    Another obstacle I had was my own self doubt which for me is quite common, once I finally got over that, acceptance came easy. In any case, I've finally figured out that I am attracted to mostly men....about 95% which kinda means I still find women still sort of attractive which I guess makes me bi but given how much a lean towards men, I would just class myself as gay at this point.

    Lastly, I started telling others about it which has been quite liberating almost, its nice to finally stop keeping this in and start letting my true self out, I've found myself actually feeling good about myself for the first time in a long time. I've told my best friend who I knew wouldn't have an issue...... because he has a boyfriend. I also told my auntie who also didn't have an issue, next I'm gonna tell my parents, I know my parents well enough to know they would never say or do anything to harm me or anything like that. I'm more worried about how it will affect them emotionally, but, if they know that this whole thing has been good for me, they may just be happy that I'm finally getting this all out.

    That's my next obstacle, after that, I guess I can start focusing on meeting people. I'm not looking at getting a relationship as soon as possible or anything, its just since I've started this whole journey, I've had the urge to explore this new aspect of myself.

    Thanks for getting to the end of my movie length post, its just nice to finally spill my guts all over the place :P

  20. therising
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    therising avatar
    2087 posts
    12 August 2021 in reply to IAMTHEONE

    Hi IAMTHEONE

    I'm so happy and incredibly excited for you. Nothing compares to coming to meet with your natural self. It can be such an incredibly long journey, getting there, with so many twists and turns. It can be a wonderful journey, packed with so much wonder and questioning and it can definitely be a painful journey of letting go of so much, even leading to some forms of grief at times as we say goodbye to who we thought we were. Staying true to yourself is also a part of the journey, maintaining who you naturally are.

    Wishing you only the best when it comes to speaking with your parents. I'm hoping they already have some sense of who you naturally are, so that it makes things easier for you on the path ahead.

    Enjoy coming to know yourself even more.

    :)

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