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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / Stuck in Rut and the ladder in my stockings only gets worse

Topic: Stuck in Rut and the ladder in my stockings only gets worse

2 posts, 0 answered
  1. harDonna
    harDonna avatar
    1 posts
    24 October 2018

    What you are about to read, if you so choose to peruse beyond the title, is a verbal vomiting of my thoughts and emotions of where I am, both mentally and physically as a person, a polaroid of my NOW…
    I apologise firstly for the lack of grammar and possible waning of structure to this prose but as aforementioned this is ME, spewing out words as I attempt to release the pressure I have self-imposed upon myself, that grows and festers with compounding negative interest. Thoughts that plague the mind with every second of every day, through sleepness nights and seemingly endless days as the clock ticks, forever adding to my mental list of inactions and inability to honestly face my demons and respectfully give the people I should be caring for, my eternal love… something that has sadly diminished as I have slipped into an emotionless mindset. Unable to FEEL. Unable to GIVE.
    I have become a void, a blank space, black hole or unexplainable enigma within myself and even though I DO actually know the answers to my self-questioning, I find myself powerless to action such simple motions that will inevitably begin my positive resurgence and have me back in the ‘land of the living’’……born again and at the ready to take on all of life’s challenges set before me, knowing that I have the strength and resilience to conquer all. A strength, ….. more personal trait, wielded with confidence as if an ethereal weapon , that has protected me for my forty year existence thus far.

    ….and more importantly take off and discard all the masks that I have sported through life’s lies up until now. Masks that have had me imprisoned all this time due to socio pressures and public non-acceptance. Faking happiness with a smile and over-exaggerated positivity. Never able to be honest and true to anyone……………. particularly MYSELF.

    I AM DONNA. I AM PROUD and transitioning from male to female at the age of 42 years young. For the last 14 months I have lived and breathed as whom I believe to be the true me, Woman. I have left behind and mentally burnt all my previous 'male' stuff in the way of self cleansing and continually grow into ME, growing stronger ,more comfortable in my skin and confidently brush off the ogling, leering and/or disgusted mufflings from the shallow minded, all with a cheeky grin... and I feel empowered. The most positive observation I have made is that there is an amazing amount of acceptance towards me and my journey...BUT THAT DOESN'T HELP ME GET BACK MY KIDS

    2 people found this helpful
  2. monkey_magic
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    monkey_magic avatar
    3915 posts
    25 October 2018 in reply to harDonna

    Hi Donna,

    You are a GIFT. I was so immersed in your story and wanted to read more and more. If you wrote a book of your life journey I would buy it. I think a lot of people can relate to your inner feelings in their own life journeys to different degrees.

    Sounds like you live for your kids. In my experience I did go back to my dad, it took a while, but I did eventually go back after time apart. Society has become more open- minded and it would be great if your kids could celebrate your transition with you one day.

    Without knowing the ins and outs I think there's a lot of hope still.

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