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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / Thought I was gay

Topic: Thought I was gay

11 posts, 0 answered
  1. Johnny63
    Johnny63 avatar
    4 posts
    30 March 2018
    Hi I am a 54 year old guy was married for 20 years and really loved my wife,when I was 17 I had a meeting in a spa with another guy one thing lead to another and I must admit I liked,this played on my mind for many years and I put it to the back of my mind,around 8 months ago I started having feeling for other men and placed adds but never followed though with then,my wife find an add and lift my causing depression and a believe I was gay which I told my wife,but now that I have time to think and speak to people about my situation I not sure I am gay,I still love my wife so much and don't know how to fix this mess,I feel so depressed I think I cry every day,I wish I could till her but don't know with out causing more problems I need help please
    2 people found this helpful
  2. Croix
    Community Champion
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    7089 posts
    31 March 2018 in reply to Johnny63

    Dear Johnny63~

    Welcome here, I'm sorry you are in such a bad place. Please excuse me but I'm not sure from reading your post if your wife may have left you after seeing an ad of yours - is that the case?

    20 years is a very long time to be with someone you love and for it all to just end. Love is not always the same thing as sexual feelings as you know, and sometimes it takes a really big jolt to see what is most important to us.

    From your wife's point of view it would have been a great shock to find firstly that you were interested in others, and other men in particular. It would hit her at every level and leave her feeling many things, great inadequacy probably being one of them.

    If you love and want to be with your wife I guess the only thing you can do is try to talk it over with her. Letting her know the depth of your feelings for her is really the only way I can think of. Maybe she will be prepared to give your relationship another go, after all she will be pretty unhappy too I'd expect.

    Being attracted to others (irrespective of sex) while in a relationship is - as far as I can see - quite normal. I guess it is part of the human make-up. The hard part can be deciding what we really want and sticking to it despite these distractions. So if you want your old life then try to get her back, and be prepared for it to be a long road, maybe without early success.

    Croix

    3 people found this helpful
  3. Just Sara
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    Just Sara avatar
    3258 posts
    31 March 2018 in reply to Johnny63

    Hi Johnny and welcome to our forum community;

    I really feel for you. Sexuality can be very grey (not black and white) which can throw us. We turn to the one's we love thinking that being honest is best, which more often than not leads to upheaval.

    Your situation isn't unique believe it or not; we get posts like yours at least once a week. So please don't feel you're odd because it's just not the case.

    I want to assure you you're probably not gay as you would've known long ago. You may just have bisexual leanings ok; this is perfectly normal. I identify as bi and only spoke about it for the first time at 55.

    The issues you face are complex. As Croix (above) has spoken about, your marriage is really important. Asking yourself what you actually want is necessary to move forward. If a single life as a bi man is it, then plan. If your marriage is what you want, then seek help. You can't do this alone...

    In our 'Gender and Sexuality' Section, there are many threads dedicated to this very sensitive issue. Please look there and read as much as you can. Some are better than others, but they're full of posts from men who've gone thru it and some from men just starting their journey. I'm sure you'll be enlightened and helped by doing so.

    Talking with your GP will definitely help, as they can refer you to a counsellor or psychologist. This type of pressure, if not addressed, can see you suffering depression or anxiety. Best to seek help now than down the track when it's too late to go back.

    Don't forget you can always post about your pain and confusion ok. If you do, keep it to this thread instead of others you might come across as we can find you much easier.

    I wish you well hun. Take care and be gentle on yourself; we genuinely care...

    Kind thoughts;

    Sez

  4. Johnny63
    Johnny63 avatar
    4 posts
    1 April 2018 in reply to Just Sara
    Hi thanks for reply it really helps I thinks it's to late for my marriage as much as I love her and would do anything for her we have been separated 4 months and I think she has moved on already she can't handle the fact that I thought I was gay which I don't believe I am i have been speaking to a consular and family about this issue and think I fit into bi way of life,I am just so disappointed in my self I had a great life and wife I have lost it all I can only hope that one day we end up talking again and at least be friends miss her so much thank you
    1 person found this helpful
  5. Croix
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    7089 posts
    2 April 2018 in reply to Johnny63

    Dear Johnny63~

    That is so sad, I guess I have to ask, even though 4 months is a long time are you sure the door is actually closed. For someone I love I might try even writing a letter and see what happened. To be together for that long there must have been something on both sides.

    Sorry if I'm raking up something you already tried, it's just sometimes people blame themselves and therefor don't try as the assume the other person is not interested..

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Johnny63
    Johnny63 avatar
    4 posts
    3 April 2018 in reply to Croix
    I have tried talking to her she thinks everything is a liar,the problem is it wasn't everything I did for her and the family was done from.the heart and with love,I really did love he made mistakes on the way but don't we all my only far is it may be to late I think she may have meet someone else I will live with this for the rest of my life I am.so sad but must keep going for my daughter thanks for all.help
  7. Croix
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    3 April 2018 in reply to Johnny63

    Dear Johnny63~

    It's a great pity, however now is the time you should look after you. Having a daughter to love and live for is in itself a great thing, plus you deserve a good life - no matter what you feel abut yourself at the moment.

    Although it may seem too difficult or even pointless I'd strongly suggest you make plans to help you with your new situation. As Sez has suggested talking with a GP or a counselor can help you with the grief, regret and probably fear that you now face. Hopefully the one have been seeing understands and feels supportive to you.

    Although it might seem highly unlikely at the moment your life can get to the stage where you are happy and fulfilled. Patience and determination are your friends.

    May I ask if you go to work? When I faced the death of my wife (which I understand is not the same thing) this was one of the really big things that kept me going. I could lose myself for a while each day.

    Are you entirely on your own? At times like this having someone to talk to can make a lot of difference. Is there anyone in your family perhaps? or a good friend who would be there for you?

    Whatever happens you are not alone,you can talk here whenever you want

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Johnny63
    Johnny63 avatar
    4 posts
    4 April 2018 in reply to Croix
    Thank you so much for the support yes I am working full-time and enjoy it,I have my family who I have been very open with and are very helpful and of course my daughter but it's hard to lose your wife of 20 years that you loved so much,I release this is my fault but have c to be strong for all of the above thanks again I can only hope that maybe we can talk and be friends at some stage love her to bits and fell so responsible for my situation I have let her down
    1 person found this helpful
  9. Croix
    Community Champion
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    7089 posts
    4 April 2018 in reply to Johnny63

    Dear Johnny63~

    I'm very glad that you not only have full time work but that you enjoy it too. Quite frankly I don't know where I would have been when my wife passed away without the occupation and distraction of work.

    I'm also glad you have your family and daughter. I was worried you were completely on your own - not a good way to be at the moment.

    Perhaps in time you will have your wife's friendship, I certainly hope so. If I might suggest that while you might feel this is all your own fault things are rarely that black and white.

    Croix

  10. Systema
    Systema  avatar
    1 posts
    12 July 2019 in reply to Johnny63
    Hey mate. I'm in the same boat and struggling. I'm 26 with a and currently still with my beautiful girlfriend I love and always slept with girls which I loved doing. I was watching my girlfriend's netball game when and talking to one of the other partners who is a good looking guy I started to think and feel that and started noticing blokes more than women. I never done that before and thought of how they have sex gets me anxious and doesn't make me feel good however if I think sexually about my girlfriend I'm aroused straight away and every time we talk having kids I get the same response but still thinking that I'm gay when I know I'm not. I'm very confused and thought about breaking up with my girlfriend because i have these feelings when I'm no not gay
  11. Only I know
    Only I know avatar
    191 posts
    14 July 2019 in reply to Systema

    Hi there Systema, you've come on to a old post here and may not get responses from the original post. You may like to start your own thread and chat.

    However, from what I see and read, what you are questioning now is very common. I came out last year at 47 and married for 20 years. I knew all my life I was gay, but the pressures of family and society was what kept me in the closet.

    I guess, only you know what you like and want, who you are attracted to. You may like both - that is, be Bi. And that's okay.

    I'd suggest speaking to a counsellor, they can help. There is no shame in talking. You can also speak to an organisation called Qlife. They are an LGBT peer support line. Google them for details.

    You may or may not consider yourself as LGBT, it may even scare you (It did me). But it needn't. There is nothing wrong with you and you shouldn't think it either.

    Don't be in a rush to change your current situation - why rock the boat if you love her and she loves you, and you are thinking of starting a family. Work out what is best for you first. I would suggest not "trying" anything out whilst with her - though some do (and again whatever works for people - I'm not judgy!). I never sought the company of another guy whilst married. I think in the end, my honest with my wife, and the trust we'd built over 25 years, helped her come to terms with what I told her. She remains my best friend, and I love her dearly. I am glad to have her in my life, but think that had I done things behind her back, it would be different.

    Good luck with working on you.

    Cheers

    Daz

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