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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

Topic: Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

  1. Definitely Otherwise
    Definitely Otherwise avatar
    71 posts
    1 November 2018 in reply to Only I know

    Hey Daz,

    If you're moving out this weekend or next weekend I want to wish you the best of luck.

    There will be so many mixed emotions inside you, you'll probably feel terrified, sad, distraught and excited all at once.

    Not only will be you be moving on with your own life, you will have to witness your wife move on with hers, which won't be easy.

    Hope it's not a scorcher and 40 degrees down in the southern state for you mate.

    Def

    2 people found this helpful
  2. Only I know
    Only I know avatar
    173 posts
    1 November 2018 in reply to Esti67

    Hey Esti, the same goes for you! We've all shared our journeys and drawn support from each other over the time. The unit I've bought settles tomorrow, and I move in on Saturday, so Saturday is going to be a very emotional day for both me, my wife and my kids. It will no doubt be hard, but I reminded my wife tonight as she cried about how "real" it is becoming, that we love each other no less than we did 6 months ago (incidentally - I came out to her exactly 6mths ago tomorrow!). It just means different living arrangements.

    Good luck to you too, and keep chatting to us on here.

    Daz

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Only I know
    Only I know avatar
    173 posts
    1 November 2018 in reply to Definitely Otherwise

    thanks Def

    yep you've described it well. My wife and I chatted about it tonight, and we've just gotta keep an eye on the kids too. It helps that we still love each other to bits, but then it hurts more too. We don't want the other to be in the pain that we are feeling.

    But it is happening, and we have to work with it. We know we will always love each other and have each other's backs and that is amazing.

    I really don't know how people do it, when the relationship has broken down and there is anger. That would be really hard.

    Daz

    2 people found this helpful
  4. Esti67
    Esti67 avatar
    66 posts
    1 November 2018 in reply to Only I know

    Good luck this weekend Daz, lots of emotions for you guys. I think when a partner is decent its harder in the short term ( because of the guilt) but better long term. If you both are ok, the kids will be. Like you i could not imagine what it would be like if my husband became nasty. So much worse for all of us. Thinking of u guys.

    E

    2 people found this helpful
  5. C4
    C4 avatar
    105 posts
    2 November 2018 in reply to Only I know

    Hi Darren good luck with your move tomorrow I know it will be an emotional day for all concerned and I’m glad your wife is so supportive with you and you of her. I’m glad to have made your friendship and your advice has been invaluable to everyone on here. Try not to be sad in your new place even though at first it will be scary for you after all these years in a relationship. I’ll be here if you need to talk ok as I’ve been through it ok . Your a good man and loving father and youll get all the support you need . I wish I could help in person and give you a big hug to say it will be alright but I hope you enjoy the start of your new chapter in life mate . All the best for tomorrow ok I’ll be thinking of you . Craig

    2 people found this helpful
  6. Definitely Otherwise
    Definitely Otherwise avatar
    71 posts
    2 November 2018 in reply to Only I know

    It has been an amazing partnership Daz. You were blessed to find each other, and blessed to have such a supportive extended family.

    As you say, you want your cubs to be OK through this difficult transition.

    There will be a lot of tears, and big emotions, it will take time to adjust. But you will create new routines and it makes the world of difference that you're still great friends.

    Don't roll an ankle or twist your back. Have a beer after you've emptied the last box.

    Def

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Only I know
    Only I know avatar
    173 posts
    2 November 2018 in reply to Definitely Otherwise

    thanks guys! I'm just sitting down after packing a few more boxes of my old books, and waiting for the call from the fridge delivery man. Settlement unfortunately was delayed until this arvo, so after rushing around to change a few things, all is just a waiting game now!

    Thanks for your kind supportive words. It made me smile.

    Def, yes I will take care of my back, it's already a bit sore from packing earlier in the week! I have a whole bunch of people helping with the move, 2 couples, my folks, my wife and kids! I think it'll be all over in a couple of hours tomorrow! Bring on the pizza and beer!!!

    will let you know how I'm going over the weekend.

    thanks you all again.

    Daz

    4 people found this helpful
  8. C4
    C4 avatar
    105 posts
    2 November 2018 in reply to Only I know
    Hi mate I have tears of joy hearing that news of your support good on you big hugs from me ok
    1 person found this helpful
  9. C4
    C4 avatar
    105 posts
    3 November 2018 in reply to Only I know
    Hi Darren it’s Craig I’m just seeing how your move went today I hope it was ok and everything is going well. Hope to hear from you soon also welcome to the Batchelor life mate it is daunting at first but you’ll be ok I know you will . Best of luck in your new place and all the best. Craig
    1 person found this helpful
  10. Only I know
    Only I know avatar
    173 posts
    5 November 2018 in reply to C4

    Hey mate, thanks.

    Move went well, no major issues. I have no internet, it's amazing how much you rely on it! The ISP let me down and haven't delivered the modem.

    I must say I'm enjoying the quiet. I had dinner with my wife (we haven't decided what to call each other yet, so we're staying with husband/wife) and kids, I dropped off extra fruit/veggies I'd bought, she invited me to stay (unplanned) for dinner. I think we'll be really good.

    It was a bit odd on Saturday arvo, I'd originally suggested they leave early so we could all grieve, but it wasn't necessary. They stayed late, had pizza and drinks with some friends who came over, it was nice. I really do think that things will be ok.

    Talk soon

    Daz

    3 people found this helpful
  11. Definitely Otherwise
    Definitely Otherwise avatar
    71 posts
    6 November 2018 in reply to Only I know

    Glad to read that the move went well Daz and that you didn't injure yourself, and you enjoyed a nice meal with friends and family.

    You'll create new routines, and your place will slowly start to feel like home when you have people over and entertain and chill out in the new space!

    Enjoy

    Def

    2 people found this helpful
  12. Johnny_11
    Johnny_11 avatar
    28 posts
    8 November 2018 in reply to Only I know

    Hey Daz

    I haven't been on for a while, thought I'd check in.

    Glad the move went well, so happy for your that things are working out.

    I'm just it will take some adjusting to, but its also exciting!!!

    Cheers
    John

    2 people found this helpful
  13. Only I know
    Only I know avatar
    173 posts
    8 November 2018 in reply to Johnny_11

    thanks Johnny & Def

    yes, all good so far. keeping myself busy - walking one night a week with my friends then dinner at mine after (was usually theirs but I can now repay their kindness!), also dinner with the wife (or do I say ex now? I think that is going to be one of the hardest things), going to the movies tomorrow to see Boy Escaped (the gay conversion movie - I think I'll need the tissues!) and went 10 pin bowling tonight.

    I think that is going to be the key for me, keep myself busy to start out, so I don't think too much about being on my own. after a while, it will just become the norm.

    Anyway, hope you all are well, and thanks for checking in!

    Daz

    2 people found this helpful
  14. Esti67
    Esti67 avatar
    66 posts
    1 December 2018 in reply to Only I know

    Hey Daz,

    Just checking in, how's life going as a single gay man? I'm interested to know what it's been like for you stepping out of your old life and into a new one. As you know, i will be doing this soon too and am excited at the thought but finding the guilt incredibly difficult to manage. I know it will ease in time but seeing the pain on my husbands face is very hard to be around day in day out. Hope good things are happening for you and that your new life is as good as you have imagined.

    E

    3 people found this helpful
  15. Only I know
    Only I know avatar
    173 posts
    4 December 2018 in reply to Esti67

    Hey Esti, apologies for the late reply! thanks for continuing to take an interest in me! I've been out on my own now for a month, and it's been okay. I thought I'd get sad and down, but to be honest, I've kept myself really busy. I haven't actually had many nights where I have just sat down in my place, doing nothing. I've been out seeing friends, or they have been here, I've had my kids over, my wife over and of course work!

    I went to the frontrunners xmas party on sunday and chatted to people that I'd seen, but never spoken to before, and it was really nice. I really am starting to feel quite good about myself.

    In truth, because I've been so busy, I'm enjoying the night at home on my own. Tonight I've Netflix binged on Schitt's creek - just finished the last episode. Very funny show!

    One thing my psych said to me, was to let go of the guilt. This was a very hard thing to do, and I guess I haven't fully let go, but I'm learning too. What has been done is done, what is going to happen will happen, you cannot put a stop to what has now started (all the clichés in one!). You deserve to be you now. You have given everyone else all of you over the years. I think you just need to do it, but be there for him too. He was a big part of your life, but the longer you procrastinate it will just extend the sadness you both are feeling.

    My relationship with my wife (former?!?! hard to say otherwise) is great, she comes to visit. I cooked her breaky on sunday morning, gave her a big hug and kiss. It was beautiful. She will forever be my hero, and I will continue to love and support her no matter what. There is no reason why that will be any different for you.

    Anyway, keep chatting, and again apologies for the late reply. Hope things are going well for you and things improve.

    cheers

    Daz

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Esti67
    Esti67 avatar
    66 posts
    9 December 2018 in reply to Only I know

    Hey Daz,

    I'm so glad that things are going well for you. After all you have been through you deserve to be happy. Last week was a bad week for me but this week is much better. My husband seems a lot better which takes the pressure off me. We've agreed to a timeline, tell the kids after Christmas and i move late January. He has also booked into a psychologist. My "arrangement/ friend with a lot of benefits" has surprisingly escalated into something really lovely and i am lucky that both she and my husband are being very patient and kind.

    My instinct is that things will be ok in time and you are definately right, the procrastination is only prolonging the pain. Letting go of the guilt i think will also become easier as my husband becomes more accepting.

    I want to thank you for your words of wisdom, i feel reassured by your story and that sometimes things can work out ok. All the very best to you.

    E

    3 people found this helpful
  17. Only I know
    Only I know avatar
    173 posts
    19 December 2018 in reply to Esti67

    Hey Esti, hope you are still around and are ok. Again, life is keeping me busy and I'm feeling pretty good about myself. Things are just getting better and better all the time. My wife is well, and we talk most days. We still hug and kiss when we see each other. She is wonderful, I love her dearly - she is my hero.

    Did your husband find a psychologist? Hopefully he has and everything is coming along for you.

    Hope you have a great xmas, don't worry or stress about what the new year will bring. It is a time for you to enjoy being with your family and loved ones. Just enjoy it.

    Take Care

    Daz

    2 people found this helpful
  18. Definitely Otherwise
    Definitely Otherwise avatar
    71 posts
    2 January 2019 in reply to Only I know

    Great to read that you are doing really well Daz and you're out on your own in your own place.

    I watched the show on Netflix about Armistead Maupin last night. You forget how far we have come, and then Philip Ruddock and Scott Morrison remind me in many sectors of the community, we most certainly have not.

    I didn't like how he outed Rock Hudson publicly. Didn't like that at all. I thought that was not his place.

    Enjoy the summer sun tan.

    Hope to see you in March at Mardi Gras, right up the front.

    Def

  19. Only I know
    Only I know avatar
    173 posts
    2 January 2019 in reply to Definitely Otherwise

    Hey Def, thanks and Happy New Year! Hope it brings whatever you desire! Going to be another biggy for me I think!

    As for Mardi Gras - well, I doubt that you'll see me there - especially up front! I'm still a little too shy! Maybe next year!

    Though I am planning on attending the Pride March in Melbourne this year - my mind is still blowing up from the fact that I've come out! The feeling is good, and Happy.

    take care

    Daz

    2 people found this helpful
  20. C4
    C4 avatar
    105 posts
    3 January 2019 in reply to Only I know
    Hi Darren glad your going ok I'm thinking of going to pride with my bowls group this year so it should be good . Hope your going ok
    1 person found this helpful
  21. Definitely Otherwise
    Definitely Otherwise avatar
    71 posts
    9 January 2019 in reply to Only I know

    Happy NY to you Daz & C4 and anyone else that may also be reading and following along. Great to read that you guys are slowly adjusting to the huge change. Sucks being back into the routine doesn't it. Can't we have the whole of January off.

    The shyness will wave every now and then Daz.

    But you know what? Shyness in this regard is really really nice! All that tingling going on, all over your body....the blushing, the self deprecation..the nervousness.. Welcome it in. Because it symbolises a new beginning & renewal.

    You're a teenager all over again! Who knew that your late forties is the new 20.

    Tingle away, and your anticipatory sweat will be every colour of the rainbow. I promise you. Try it. Wipe your brow with a tissues and it will be a streak of rainbow. All those gorgeous, hunky men checking you out Daz, it's gotta be stressful. I still get shy around women. I'm a total sucker for a pretty face. A Doll face gets me every time. I know she's out there somewhere.

    Enjoy!

    Def

    4 people found this helpful
  22. Esti67
    Esti67 avatar
    66 posts
    9 January 2019 in reply to Only I know

    Hey thanks Daz,

    I'm still around, feeling a bit loved up after some time away with my girl. I'm moving as soon as our tenants vacate our property. Maybe a month away. Haven't told the kids, that day is approaching and the thought of it makes me ill but theres no way around it. My hubby still gets wobbly on and off though more frequently these days as i move closer to me leaving. Yes, he's waiting to see a psychologist which I'm glad about.

    Im excited and scared but when I'm with my girl i know what feels right. As you said, i need to let go of the guilt, however the hell i do that i dont know. It will be a time thing i guess.

    Hope you are blossoming

    E

    1 person found this helpful
  23. C4
    C4 avatar
    105 posts
    10 January 2019 in reply to Definitely Otherwise
    Hi guys things are going ok so far and I'm also planning to go to pride as well it will be exciting to see all the diversity there from all all ages. I'm also starting to go to my bowls group at the end of January which will be great to socialise more and then go to pride with the group. Hope to hear off everyone soon . Much love Craig
    1 person found this helpful
  24. Definitely Otherwise
    Definitely Otherwise avatar
    71 posts
    5 March 2019 in reply to Only I know

    C'mon Daz!!!!

    It's time you had 'an experience' with a guy!!!! I want to see you out there buddy!!!! C'mon giddy up!!! None of this, "when I lose 10 kilos", "when I look better", "when I've been to the gym for 6 months"

    There is a tipping point Daz. Shyness and timidity can become self loathing if you're not careful! Especially body self loathing. I don't want you there mate.

    I went to a psychologist once for family issues, and he was a lovely gay guy. He was telling me he really really struggled and came out late. He couldn't reconcile his Christian faith, and his homosexuality. He was so terrified, and frozen, that he actually resorted to using a professional sex worker. He was telling me this sex worker was so incredibly nice, and patient and it wasn't seedy at all. Completely surprised him. They talked for hours. He said he had a lot of clients that had just come out, and they wanted him to help them break the ice. I'm not saying that this is everyone's cup of tea, it most definitely is not.

    But break the ice Daz.

    Otherwise, you build it up in your head, to a point where you head takes over and construes things that arent' there. Especially about our own bodies and feeling desired and attractive.

    G'day Esti, hope you enjoyed Mardi Gras. The lonleliness and aloneness does get ya down some days. I understand.

    You are attractive Daz!!! I promise. C'mon buddy!

    Def

    2 people found this helpful
  25. Only I know
    Only I know avatar
    173 posts
    5 March 2019 in reply to Definitely Otherwise

    Ha ha! you are funny and awesome Def!

    I know, I know! I need to get out there. Believe me I have thought about a sex worker, I found an online site! I guess it is an option coz I can go for what I like the look of, someone that looks like what I've always dreamt of - all with no strings, and seeing I'm payin' - do what I want! LOL.

    But then, I've only ever had the one partner - my wife. so I've got to work through all the mental stuff. Really, I'm not in any hurry, seriously I'm okay. I get what you are saying though, and I hear it a lot from my two mates (husbands) who have been looking after me. They give me the gentle push too.

    I'm good, this will be the Year of the real Daz! I promise!

    Daz

    2 people found this helpful
  26. Definitely Otherwise
    Definitely Otherwise avatar
    71 posts
    5 March 2019 in reply to Only I know

    I was just G'in ya up Daz with a hint of seriousness. LOL. I just would hate the negative internal voice get the better of you. I know that mine does some days, and I have to check it regularly to make sure it's not looping and putting myself down.

    As I said, that psych I saw years ago who initially was so ashamed to have used a serive like that, couldn't believe how wrong he had been and judgmental. I guess a lot of it was nerves, and shame. He said he burst out of the closet after that cos he was still closeted.

    I believe it is healthy to have time out from dating & relationships, to build your confidence and self belief. Mine has taken a battering and I realised that I actually haven't stopped to draw breath in years. 2019 is my year to focus my energies on myself, and hopefully learn to trust women again at some point. Anyone that just keeps flipping from one relationship to the next to the next to the next.....it makes me wonder how authentic their original intentions are, and how healthy that is. But hey, maybe they are just super lucky in love and are spolit for choice, what the hell do I know!

    I am so happy to read that you have a pair of gay Godfather like figures in your life Daz to talk to and hang out. I can see them just now. Wear matching turtleneck scivvy's, walking twin dogs under the autumn leaves in Melbourne, coming home from the park to enjoy a nice drop of red together. Isn't that nice.

    Enjoy ya self Daz. I'm sure you have many lonley days, and the sadness would sweep over you at times, but you're a very strong bloke. I'm really proud of ya!

    Def

    2 people found this helpful
  27. Esti67
    Esti67 avatar
    66 posts
    5 March 2019 in reply to Definitely Otherwise

    Thanks Def,

    Mardi Gras was great, have been before but not to the after party. Will definitely plan to have the Monday off as well next year. Got home at 720, pretty good for a 51 year old. Great to just be me with my woman dancing the night away.

    Daz, i think a sex worker is a great option to help get things started. Your body will tell you what to do anyway. Hope things are hood gor you. Good luck on your adventure.

    Posting my update on my thread

    E x

    1 person found this helpful

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