I've been feeling the anger beast this morning; not your run of the mill grouch or silent treatment stuff, more of a motivational, mildly pissed off and reflective anger.
I've been let down and disappointed by quite a few people over the past month or so, and yesterday when I ran into one of them at the supermarket I felt an urge to walk away mid sentence. Instead I kept saying I had to go to be polite.
I noticed a shift in me. I used to (not that long ago either) stay, talk and hope she'd ask me for coffee, or I'd ask her. But recent events have me suspicious and not wanting to engage.
Since childhood I've internalised anger or burst out of my skin defending myself or someone else. The past few yrs I've learned to stand back, assess the situation, and decide the best course of action for a win/win outcome.
Good on me eh! Yeah, well it's a work in progress. How I behave and treat myself instead of relying on people being honest, is beginning to make its mark.
I've withdrawn from closeness lately to evaluate this feeling. The old adage; 'give to yourself what you want from others' holds value today. The truth is; I'm angry and want to express it instead of being scared.
My disappointment comes from seeing people for who they really are; uncovering lies, false persona's and cruel blame/excuses outed as a means of justifying disgraceful behaviour.
When people wrongly profess to being/doing one thing, then get caught, sorry means shit if it's followed by 'but' and a finger pointing at me or others. I need to trust people and it's being tested to the limits.
My expectations come from what I believe (or want) to be true. 'If you hurt me, shame on you. If you do it again, shame on me' I truly understand this saying now.
Why have I stayed around people who lie or hurt me? Hmm...maybe I'm angry at me as well. Makes sense..
Negative patterns of behaviour and beliefs need to change for my MH to improve; I live by this. I can't change 'them', but I can change me. Demanding honesty, respect and fairness isn't too much to ask as I see it...of them OR me.
Yes, forgiveness is necessary, but it has to come with boundaries and change. Forgetting isn't part of the deal. My dad's been invited to Xmas lunch this year. I don't want to go. Sigh.. What do I do?
If I'm strong, I'll survive. If my little girl within takes over, I'll crumble.
I shouldn't be put thru this damn it!