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Forums / Staying well / Be Yourself but who am I?

Topic: Be Yourself but who am I?

  1. Elizabeth CP
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    27 June 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Changing to fit in with someone else's values when it goes against out own values is negative. I don't think we feel comfortable trying to be someone we aren't. In abusive relationships sometimes people may fit in with the abuser to avoid confrontation. I think this is very damaging to our mental health.

    In contrast choosing to change because we value the relationship is very different. In this case although we may be doing things differently to our preferred way we are acting in accordance with our values ie we want to maintain the relationship.

    For example my son loves skiing & camping. In contrast his wife hates the cold & prefers staying in a comfortable hotel. My DIL agreed to ski because it is important to my son but he bought her top quality clothes to make sure she was warm enough & stayed in accommodation on the mountain so she could have a break when she needed. While both had to compromise they were acting in according to their own values (wanting to spend time with each other & wanting to make their partner happy)

    I see Quirky's example of being tidy to suit her husband in the same light. You chose to be tidy because you knew it would make life better for both you & your husband.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    27 June 2018 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    Hello all,

    Elizabeth thanks for explaining the distinction about changing to improve one's situation and changing because one is pressured to.

    To be honest I suppose I felt I had no choice as I had two failed relationships behind me and did not want a third to fail .

    I think your way is much better of looking at the situation so thanks for explaining that. I often go for the negative. Mind you I am still seen as being untidy not matter how hard I try but that's another topic!!

    Quirky

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  3. Elizabeth CP
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    27 June 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    I too try to be tidy. I get so frustrated wasting time looking for things that I decided I need to make an effort to be tidy for my own well being. Also my husband is blind so I need to have the house in order so he can find things. Unfortunately I start doing things in the house or garden & leave a trail of mess behind me. My dining table is covered with stuff along with many other surfaces because I've been building a new TV cabinet/ bookshelves. I have nearly finished but have come down with a bad cold & my back & neck are bad from all the lifting. I need to finish & tidy up but I'm worried about making myself worse.

    One of my issues is a tendency to agree to do things rather than standing up for myself & my own needs. At the same time I want to be able to help others & don't want to be selfish. I try to think about why I make my choices so it feels more like a choice. I'm not sure if I'm explaining this properly

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  4. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    27 June 2018 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    Hello

    Elizabeth,

    I am impressed you are building a cabinet. It is important for you to be tidy as your husband is blind but it must also be a pressure on you if you are not naturally tidy.

    I understand about choices. People always say you need to have boundaries but if it is a dear friend or loved one you feel you want to help them but do you want to see it as a choice to help them not that you have to?

    I naturally want to help loved ones but I have to watch my own personal health. I feel I want to, I choose to, but others worry I get too involved with others.

    Does that make sense?

    Thanks again Elizabeth for your idea in this discussion.

    Quirky

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  5. Elizabeth CP
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    27 June 2018 in reply to quirkywords
    Thanks for your reply. You are correct I need to see it as my choice rather than being obliged to help. I understand the difficulty watching your own health & helping others. I try to think about the results & think about how I'll feel afterwards. Sometimes this means doing things others would think was too much because I know I'll feel bad afterwards if I don't help. Other times I decide not to help because I know I'll feel so exhausted or stressed afterwards & won't be able to do things which are more important. The decision is very personal
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  6. Alexlisa
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    28 June 2018

    This topic really got me! I'm often thinking "who am I?" I feel like my mental illness has made the question so confusing to me. I feel like a different person depending on my mood (I'm bipolar), with different interests and activities and goals.

    But I think the most unsettling thing for me is when I've gone through periods when I've been really unwell and I've been left feeling like my life has been scooped out. So that when I am well enough again to look around, I find there's nothing left there but an empty shell. Does that make sense? While I've been unwell in the past I've lost my job, friends, hobbies, connection with people and any type of goal... When your life becomes just about 'getting by' it can be hard to hold onto any sense of who you are (apart from an illness).

    I've been trying to rebuild myself lately, just small things like trying new hobbies and hopefully (if my anxiety can stay away) make a connection with someone. I'm hoping rebuilding will help me have a more solid grasp of who I am.

    4 people found this helpful
  7. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    29 June 2018 in reply to Alexlisa

    Hello everyone,

    Alexlisa, we.come to this thread. I am so glad you found it .

    I too have bipolar and can relate to your words which is one of the reasons I started this thread nearly a year ago.

    once I started becoming stable after medication I wondered was I the extrovert or the introvert.

    I too had to pick up the pieces after a chaotic manic phase and still till to this day ,decades later am paying the price.

    I think taking baby steps in rebuilding is a good thing. Keeping an open mind and trying new things helps too. I tend to not like change and to be stuck in a rut so exploring new activities is good.

    You are most welcome on this thread and if you want there is another thread This bipolar life, which you can put into the search box at the top of the page. This bipolar life is a friendly caring place where people with bipolar can come and talk about things that concern them. have a look at it and see what you think. You will be most welcome there as you are on this thread.

    You have given me more to think about. So thanks.

    Quirky

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  8. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    11 July 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Hello all

    I have not put on a question for a while.

    Does anyone feel when they say something meaning one thing and it is interpreted in a totally different way.?

    People have said I have a tonal problem when I think I am being honest but am told I sound sarcastic.

    Sometimes you can say one thing and people think you mean another.

    All replies , thoughts, ideas welcome

    Quirky

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  9. Elizabeth CP
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    11 July 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    I think you have to be careful if being humorous particularly when speaking with people from different cultures or backgrounds as they can take things the wrong way. I have to be very careful with my SIL who is lovely but of different background so can take things the wrong way.

    I saw a misunderstanding occur recently in my extended family. People were already stressed but something was said which others took wrongly but attempts to sort it out were interpreted as taking sides. It shows how we need to be careful when someone is upset. Too often it is misinterpreting the persons words or intentions. Sometimes we need to leave things until things settle as trying to sort things when people are very upset/stressed can just lead to further problems. We need to remember we are human & therefor make mistakes or can misunderstand each other.

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  10. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    11 July 2018 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    Hello everyone

    Thanks Elizabeth for your reply. you are right about letting things settle as trying to sort things out when people are stressed can lead to further problems.

    people tend to be inflexible and think they are right.

    I do not try to be funny just sincsere and then I am accused of being sarcastic , all because of supposed tone.

    Quirky

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  11. Crazy hyper girl
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    12 July 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    How you doing quirky❤️

    Are you alright today?

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  12. demonblaster
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    12 July 2018 in reply to quirkywords
    Hey Quirky and everyone

    Tone. I haven't mastered this at all yet but I think the secret is to concentrate on what's being said and not how. Though how is what gets to us more so I think.

    Also have realised there can be so many ways a comment can be taken, depending on who's receiving, moods, tiredness etc.

    I was empathising once with a niece who has 4 Autistic boys and ADHD, her sister who I'm close with both went troppo at me simply because I'd said Mental Illness rather than disorder. They'd known me since they were young. ALWAYS supported them especially her but that went out the window. Sigh. We're ok now. Shouldn't have been. The one I was talking to knew I meant no harm.
    I think what should also be taken into account is what that persons like. It hurts when we're taken the wrong way doesn't it.

    Take care all

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  13. quirkywords
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    12 July 2018 in reply to demonblaster

    Hello all,

    Crazy hyper girl, I am fine how are you? Do you find you get misunderstoood?

    DB thanks for dropping by. that is sad when you were picked up by your niece for using what she thought was the wrong word. I get that a lot. Sometimes one word has ben acceptable then it isn’t and one can try to use the new word but At timesit is hard.

    I do agree moods and tiredness can affect what /how it is said and how it is understood.

    Thanks again

    Quirky.

    2 people found this helpful
  14. Crazy hyper girl
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    12 July 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Thats good to know your fine❤️

    I always get misunderstood no one seems to understand what i am saying some of the times. Idk what it is i am doing wrong and i am just being myself, and usually i tell that to everyone then they would try to correct me on how i actually am or how i am supposed to act and then i would defend then it turns into a fight and i would defend myself.

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  15. Crazy hyper girl
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    12 July 2018 in reply to demonblaster

    Hey demonblaster

    I have done the same many times and I sometimes I think some people do it because that's their personality, though sometimes when your in a bad mood you can change and become someone that Is the complete opposite.

    I hope your doing OK ❤️

    CHG😜

    1 person found this helpful
  16. White Rose
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    13 July 2018 in reply to Crazy hyper girl

    Hello CHG

    It's very hard when you are frequently misunderstood. I'm not sure it's all the fault of the person speaking. When someone takes something the wrong way and feels they have been upset it's a good idea to say so. I believe we basically try to be pleasant no matter what the situation. It doesn't always work and when the other person gets defensive and generally demonstrates they are upset it's even harder to repair that situation. So much easier and more productive to query the statement at that time.

    Then to tell you what you should have said/done is simply being rude and bullying. No matter what was said or how the other person reacted, to lecture someone on what was said and insist they change their ways shows a huge lack of respect. As far as I am concerned if I put my foot in it so to speak, then I apologise, repeat my comment in a different way, then ask the other if the new statement is OK. After that I walk away.

    Defending ourselves is natural but not always the best way to go. We can ask why the other was upset and if the new statement helps, all in a quiet manner keeping our voices neutral. It's a skill that takes learning and trust me, I am still learning.

    Mary

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  17. demonblaster
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    13 July 2018 in reply to Crazy hyper girl

    Hey Quirky and everyone ☺

    Thanks Quirky yes it hurt over a word, the intent was pure.

    I defended but didnt make a difference. It was on fb she bagged me to her friends, I managed to intelligently defend before she blocked me. Shaking head.

    Agree Hyper girl a lot was down to her attitude. Thanks lovey coming good slowly so as long as that happens eh. Hope you're well too ☺

    I think we all have something to say but many are not good at it. Often I spend a lot of time preempting to avoid misunderstandings before I make a comment.

    I find it difficult not to retalliate when someone's openly aggressive but what you said Rose is valid. Everything you say actually, I always enjoy reading your posts.

    Quirky you're an excellent host and person. Thanks always for your contributions to bb 🌹

    Once we learn to take the drivers seat over our thoughts resulting in our emotions we'll find peace... oh I hope so 😆

    🕊

    2 people found this helpful
  18. Crazy hyper girl
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    13 July 2018 in reply to demonblaster

    Hi Mary

    Thanks for your input❤️

    Firstly I wanted to say that you should be truthful in what you say its better then lieing and if the person is being completly illogical in what there saying you should tell that. Think about it why would someone say your supposed to be like this when you are the one that knows yourself the best. Who cares how other people see you it depends on whether there true or false. Just because they are upset it shouldn't being you down. And no I don't always blame the other person especially if there right. I don't expect someone to change they ways, I just expect someone to agree with what I said. Sorry if that was harsh❤️

    Mary your very different to to me and thankyou for being so honest

    None of that was meant to cause anyone to be upset

    2 people found this helpful
  19. Crazy hyper girl
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    13 July 2018 in reply to demonblaster

    I am really good today

    Thanks demonblaster

    Thats a really cool name by the way where did you get it from?

    i am not the nicest person and i know that. And i know people are different and thats a good thing.

    Good on you for defending yourself trust me i have been blocked before and i honestly dont understand why the person blocked me in first place. I blamed myself for ages because i was depressed but i realized in the end that it doesnt matter and you have to find someone who expects you for who you are.

    Fake is the worst thing, i am very skeptical of most people until i know there true to themselves

    I hope everyone's doing fine!

    😜

    2 people found this helpful
  20. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    17 July 2018 in reply to Crazy hyper girl

    Hello everyone reading and thinking of posting or who has posted,

    Happy Birthday to my thread. It is one year old today was my very first thread.

    Thanks to everyone for the support , the great answers and putting up with my questions.

    Here is my birthday question.

    How was your life changed in the last year? Are you being yourself more or less than a year ago?

    Quirky

    4 people found this helpful
  21. Moonstruck
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    17 July 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    I am being more myself I think Quirky..let's face it, I'm stuck with my own self...every other one is taken!!

    How about you?

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  22. GoodWitch
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    17 July 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Happy birthday to your thread, Quirky. My first time posting here, though I have been in the relationships forum for a couple of months. I'd say my life has changed significantly in the last 12 months, or mostly in the last few months when I have finally started facing my relationship problems head on again. i tried early in my relationship to build a better connection with my husband but then gave up for many years when I felt he wasn't doing the same. Now he seems to be listening to me and trying to understand for the first time. Which is good though things are still up in the air. I'm making more of an effort now to focus on the positives in life and work myself out of my depressive state. I hope in a year's time I can say things are heaps better, no matter what happens, though I feel I still have a fair way to go.

    Cheers,

    GW

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  23. Peppermintbach
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    17 July 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Happy one year anniversary to your thread, Quirky :)

    I think it’s pretty impressive that you’ve been so consistent with your posts on this thread, and for making everyone feel so included and welcome here.

    I hope you do something special to mark this special date. You so deserve it!

    Love,

    Pepper xoxo

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  24. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    18 July 2018 in reply to Moonstruck

    Thanks everyone.

    Moon, I keep trying to be myself but when people tell met to change I find that hard.

    Goodwitch, welcome and thanks for your kind words. It is a journey and I am glad you are learning on the way.

    Maybe when I am 90 I may have worked it all out or maybe not.

    Pepper, thanks for your kind words.I think the fact people have contributed and been honest for a year in answering my questions shows how patient people are.

    Quirky

    4 people found this helpful
  25. Moonstruck
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    18 July 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Quirky..I think you're just fine as you are..you've always been good to me, interesting to talk with, clearly intelligent and a deep thinker....I have always been puzzled about who all "these people" are, (not only on your thread but I have read it on others too) who tell you to "change, say negative things or comments" etc....

    I can't think of anyone in my circle who regularly say anything negatively critical to me, or ever say to change, or make hurtful comments" to me.

    Perhaps I am deaf to them or something, but have to say, 99% of my friends, family....(that may even be 100%) are encouraging, pleasant, loving, friendly etc etc to me..I don;t know how I would be strong enough to handle a lot of negative criticism directed towards me, I really don't think I could bear it.........(just my rambling thoughts here)..xo

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  26. quirkywords
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    18 July 2018 in reply to Moonstruck

    hello everyone,

    It is not all the time but my family, extended family, customers, neighbours, friends, . Maybe I am very sensitve but I have said this before I am messy, disorganised, talks a lot at times, loud , have no fashion sense, so I am a target and people say they tease me because I can take it. I am seen as a good sport. If I start to complain I am accused playing the victim or being passive aggressive- so can't win.

    I am not talking every day or every time I see people but in a 5 day visit to my friends and cousins, I would say there is one negative comment a day. I am learning how to detach myself emotionally from upsetting comments.

    I just think we are all different and I am pleased you have encouraging family and friends. it is not just me you only have to read threads and see how negative feedback people get from family and friends.

    Quirky

    1 person found this helpful
  27. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
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    18 July 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Hello Quirky

    Happy birthday to you, your thread and everyone who writes here. I think we have reached the walking stage or perhaps we are still staggering and crawling. Whatever we are all moving forward. Great stuff Quirky making us think about the meaning of life.

    I feel I have changed in the past year. Not entirely sure how but I feel it inside me. Wait until next year when we will all be running around, most of us out of nappies and free to enjoy our world.

    Mary

    3 people found this helpful
  28. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    18 July 2018 in reply to White Rose

    Hello everyone

    White Rose

    Thanks for your reply. I think I am crawling maybe always crawling which is god as there is not far too fall.

    Quirky

    3 people found this helpful
  29. GoodWitch
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    19 July 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    I totally get what you're saying about negative feedback Quirky. People are either very judgemental or (if I'm being generous) they are seriously confused by someone who doesn't adhere to society's exacting standards. Your comment about fashion sense made me think about that. People are so obsessed with policing what people (especially women) wear, how we look etc. they don't even know how unfair and ridiculous that is. Why does it matter what you wear? If you're disorganised? It's your life and not their business. But it's hard to gain the confidence to feel that way and negative comments always hurt. I'm 47 and my mother still tells me my hair looks terrible at every given opportunity lol. She's a judgemental person who honestly hasn't given me a lot (or any) unconditional support. I rarely see any of my siblings so not a lot of warm and fuzzies from my family either. I've learned to rely on myself and the few friends that I trust.

    Funny story: I recently told my mother off at last about the hair thing (BTW everyone else I know comments that I have great hair it only seems to be my mother's issue) and she hadn't said anything for a while, but then I caught her telling my daughters to take care of their hair or they'd one day have bad hair like their mother! What in heck was that?? My family is nuts.

    Hang in there. someone said 'be yourself, everybody else is taken'. Hope you can combat the negativity with a positive self-belief.

    2 people found this helpful
  30. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    19 July 2018 in reply to GoodWitch

    Hello everyone,

    Good witch,

    I think that mothers and daughters can have a particular peculiar relationship.

    my own mother used to say she always knew when her mother ,who was over 80 was well when she visited her in hospital, because she would critcise her.

    thanks for your comment.that quote about be yourself everyone else is taken, is by Oscar Wilde.

    Quirky

    2 people found this helpful

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