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Forums / Staying well / Be Yourself but who am I?

Topic: Be Yourself but who am I?

  1. Moonstruck
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    12 December 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Yes that is right Quirky.

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  2. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    12 December 2018 in reply to Moonstruck

    Hell all,

    If we are made of different personalities which one is our true self or how do e get to live along side different selves and still be rational and connected.

    Quirky

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  3. Elizabeth CP
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    12 December 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    We are not different personalities but we may act differently in different circumstances. For example When I used to tutor maths I was very confident because I knew what I was doing. This meant I was very comfortable explaining things. On the other hand I am uncomfortable asking people around for a meal except very close family because I am not confident in my ability to cook a nice meal & present it well enough for visitors. This leaves me feeling shy & awkward. When I was studying I was very focused & serious. This is definately part of my personality which has existed since I was a child. Yet on the weekends I liked very adventurous activities. That adventurous side is an important facet of my personality that shows up when I have the oportunity.

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  4. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    12 December 2018 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    Hello all.

    thanks Elizabeth. I feel sometimes we get confused when others label us. people say oh you are shy, or you are talkative when we may be both depending on the context of the situation.

    I thinkit can be hard to be oneself when we get labels from our parents, our teachers, our neighbours, our friends, our bosses and our partners. I was once not chosen for a play as a teacher said I was too confident when in fact I was not confident at all but I pretended I was so my classmates would not laugh at.

    i have seen parents say in front of their children , my child is so shy, or my child is so messy, so silly. IT is hard to work out who we are when surrounded by labels.

    Quirky

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  5. Elizabeth CP
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    13 December 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    You are right Quirky. Some people particularly if they are not confident are very effected by labels. When my son was in grade 4 he had a very perceptive teacher. He had some severe learning difficulties related to reading & writing. She decided to use labels to build his confidence. She had taught my oldest son who was extremely good at maths & knew I was a maths teacher. She told my middle son your a '......" (our surname) You are all good at maths! By reminding him regularly he believed her & worked hard on this subject. Within a few months he had moved from barely average to one of the top students. That remained the same throughout his time at school. It had a massive impact because he recognised that he had real talents so it was worth trying even at the things he wasn't good at. After leaving school he completed a pre- apprenticeship course. I drove him around industrial sites to knock on doors to ask for an apprenticeship. He carried his folder with photos of his work & resumes proudly confident he had something to offer employers. I will be forever grateful to that teacher for using labels in a positive way to help my son see his talents while still accepting his weaknesses.

    Unfortunately my son has since married someone who builds herself up by putting others including my son. This has led to multiple psych admissions. Negative labels are extremely damaging. Even positive labels can limit us if they focus on one thing & imply we can't do other things effectively

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  6. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    14 December 2018 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    Hello everyone,

    Elizabeth thanks for another very honest and thoughtful post which gives us a lot to think about.

    I can relate to the story about your son and I find negative feedback brings me down but as you say some positive labels can be limiting too.

    I think is to try to limit the damage from negative comments and to avoid if possible people who put us down but this isn't always possible.

    I suppose if we feel good about ourselves, if we like ourselves, feel confident that we are who we are, then maybe others negative comments will bounce off us.

    I am still struggling how to achieve this as I try to be myself when I am surrounded my people who want me to change.

    Quirky

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  7. Reece Murphy
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    15 December 2018
    You must find and understand who you want to be first. Yes, it is difficult, but it can be even harder later if you choose the wrong path.
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  8. quirkywords
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    15 December 2018 in reply to Reece Murphy

    Reece,

    welcome to the forum and to my thread and thanks for choosing to put your first post here.

    Your words are very thoughtful and I agree it is important to understand what you want to be first buf it may well change later so it is good to be flexible.

    This forum is a friendly caring and supportive place.

    Thanks so much for posting here.

    Quirky

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  9. Doolhof
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    15 December 2018 in reply to Reece Murphy

    Hi Reece,

    I too welcome you to the community, hope you feel welcome on the forum and find many places to contribute, or just read for a while if you prefer.

    Hi Quirky, Elizabeth and All,

    Some days I surprise myself with how differently I feel about myself and the world in general and how much that has to do with my mental health issues!

    This morning I took myself out for a walk and that has helped me feel better about myself.

    Part of me feels like it is too hard to do anything today. I know if I continue on in that negative and unhelpful way of thinking I will just be reinforcing what I can't do!

    A bit like the teacher Elizabeth was mentioning. Having belief something is possible makes all the difference!

    I certainly know which behaviours I prefer to reinforce within myself and what to believe regarding other people's comments about me.

    It is not always easy to control though!

    Cheers all from Dools

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  10. quirkywords
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    15 December 2018 in reply to Doolhof

    Hello everyone,

    Dools,

    Thanks for your post. I think doing what we want to do and not doing what we need to do can cause a struggle for all of us.

    Can we be ourselves if we never do what we want but what others tell us we need to do.

    Quirky

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  11. Elizabeth CP
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    15 December 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    I really liked Dools comments. Having belief something is possible makes all the difference! I certainly know which behaviours I prefer to reinforce within myself and what to believe regarding other people's comments about me.

    Sometimes we do need to push ourselves to do things which we don't feel like doing when we know they will be good for us. Dools illustrated this well finding she felt better after her walk even though she didn't feel like going first. I have found the same. The difficulty I find is when I'm really exhausted is deciding if resting is what I need or if I would feel better pushing myself to go for a walk or something like that. As Quirky said doing what we want to do and not doing what we need to do can cause a struggle

    Quirky asked Can we be ourselves if we never do what we want but what others tell us we need to do. No If we just act as robots doing what others tell us to do we are not in control of our life & that is very unhealthy.

    Conversely choosing to push ourselves to do something we believe will be beneficial in the long run even if we don't feel like it at the time can be good for us. Regardless whether someone else has advised us or whether it was our own idea we need take control of our own lives. We choose to follow someone else's advice or choose to reject it. For example my husband wants me to help him because of his illness/ disability. I choose to do this not because he tells me to but because I value our relationship & I want to keep him as healthy and active as possible I might not always want to do it but I need to do it to live my personal values & to feel good about my life & choices long term

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  12. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    17 December 2018 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    Hello all

    Thnaks Elizabeth,

    Find the question of choice an interesting but very complex one. Do we always have a choice to follow someone’s advice as sometimes we may be forced into it by others who making saying no not an option.

    people with money and education of more choices available to them and can decide what they want to do more easily.

    A person in the country has much less choice fore mental health options than someone in a big city.

    Elizabeth Thanks for pointing out the many angles to the issue of choosing to change and how we change.

    Quirky

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  13. Reece Murphy
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    17 December 2018 in reply to Reece Murphy
    And I forgot to say that if all the same, you decided who you want to be. This applies to all now. I can say from personal experience, it is best to have a good resume in order to get a good job as a result. I would be pleased to help people.
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  14. Elizabeth CP
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    18 December 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    You are right Quirky. We don't always have free choice. I think we need to feel some sort of control over our life. This is essential for our mental health. Maybe looking at things a different way can help us feel some sense of control. For example I wish I lived closer to my daughter & I find it stressful travelling so far to visit particularly in peak hour traffic. I have no control over where she lives. Instead I try to remind myself that I have chosen to live where I do because it is a nice area & it has easy access to nice parks to walk in & my son lives close. I am choosing to stay because I value the other benefits so much.

    When I regret being forced to leave work to care for my husband I try to remind myself that I chose to care for my husband because I want some quality of life together. Staying at work was stressful because my husband was sick too often.

    Living in the country may mean less choice of services but perhaps reminding yourself of the reasons why you chose to live there helps feel more control over your life.

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  15. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    18 December 2018 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    Hello everyone

    Elizabeth your incredible always look on the bright side philosophy always makes me smile.

    Alas I don't have that optimism I am more of a realist and that is a choice I make so I don't get disappointed.

    Are there ever times you are not an optimist?

    Quirky

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  16. Elizabeth CP
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    18 December 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Quirky, I'm not an optimist. I tend to look on the negative & expect things to go wrong. My suggestions or explanations reflect my attempts to change my negative thinking patterns. I understand through my own experience ow hard this is. I've also learnt first hand how bad I feel when I allow these negative thoughts & feelings of being out of control.

    The examples I shared in the previous post are not examples of optimism but rather my attempts to be more accepting of the situation I'm in. I often wish things were different. I miss being free to do the things we used to do before my husbands disability affected him so much. I am often stressed & worry about the future. My psych tries to help me learn to be more accepting of my situation rather than feeling guilty about not doing enough & feeling out of control.

    I am much better at telling others what will help than I am at following my own advice. I have to remind myself to focus on what I can control & to try to find more positive ways of looking at things. The alternative is likely to lead to a complete mental breakdown.

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  17. quirkywords
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    18 December 2018 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    hello all,

    Elizabeth thanks for explaining how you view the world. I suppose to me your words come across full of hope and that is a good thing .

    I realise that in your life with your responsibilities you need to adopt the approach of trying to findthe positive.

    I have this card in my shop that says “Take my advice I am not using it!”

    I know I am like that I write encouraging posts to others but at times I find it hard to follow my own advice. I think we are not alone.

    I am not sure if this is opposite of being yourself but I had a friend at school who would make ups stories about her life because she did not like herself or her life. the thing was she knew we knew she was making things up.

    if she could be herself and accept that would that stop her need to make things up.?

    Quirky

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  18. quirkywords
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    5 January 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    If anyone is still reading I want to say thanks and happy new year.

    I feel whenever I have a query in my life I come here as everything seems to be covered by the blanket of Be yourself.

    Today I am looking at how external factors that we have little control over may get us down. I am trying to work my way through feeling flat because what should be my busiest time of year is way way down on previous years. What is the use of being upset when I cant change things and other shops are feeling the same lack of sales.?

    I think it is the tiredness that comes with disappointment.

    How do others cope with external factors that lead to disappointment.?

    Quirky

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  19. Elizabeth CP
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    5 January 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    Quirky asked How do others cope with external factors that lead to disappointment.?
    I think the most important thing is being clear about what we can change & what we can't.

    Some people seem to be oblivious to their part in what happens. Anything that happens is blamed on someone else. One DIL even complained that the electric companies charge her more than anyone else so 'It is not her fault she can't pay her bills" Obviously this means you never learn from mistakes or change what needs to change.

    The other extreme which is more common is thinking we are at fault when we aren't. For example if Quirky worried about what she was doing wrong because her sales were down. This leads to increased feelings of inadequacy without enabling us to change anything. Being mindful of the cause (in Quirky's case a general down turn in trade) at least enables us to be more accepting of the situation allowing us to move forward in working out possible solutions to problems rather than beating ourselves up.


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  20. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    6 January 2019 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    to everyone a big hello,

    Elizabeth,

    I find your posts make so much sense to me and are very relatable.

    I think we sometimes forget when we are upset about what we can change and what we can’t and to accept that. I feel all reason goes out the window when I feel disappointed.

    I appreciate that you have pointed out how to move on with out beating ourselves up. looking for solutions is more productive than self pity.

    thanks

    Quirkyn

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  21. Bluebirdbrown
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    8 January 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi everyone reading along,

    my first time writing on this super long thread. The title had caught my eyes but I didn’t have any thought on this. I have read a quote recently (by Quote Remedy) which gives an answer to the question - :

    I am a different person to different people. Annoying to one. Talented to another. Quiet to a few. Unknown to a lot. But who am I, to me ?

    Does that spot to the truth who I am?

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  22. Doolhof
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    9 January 2019 in reply to Bluebirdbrown

    Hi Bluebirdbrown, Quirky and all reading here,

    I really like that quote you shared Bluebirdbrown. People do see us differently and I believe we see ourselves differently at times depending on the situation we are in, our life experiences and how we feel at that particular moment.

    We are not even the same person we were yesterday, as we have moved on since then.

    The most excellent thing is, that each moment of every day, we have the opportunity to be the best person we can be in relation to what is happening in our lives. We have choices.

    Some days are tougher than others, even in the horrendous darkness we have choices, we just don't always realise that nor have the energy to make changes. We can try the next day!

    Cheers all from Dools

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  23. quirkywords
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    9 January 2019 in reply to Doolhof

    Hello everyone,

    Bluebird, welcome to this thread. I really like your quote and it shows how we can change who we are and others can see us as different people. Mrs Doools made good points about how we can change and we have choices even though we may not realise it.

    I started the thread as people would say to me when I was struggling just be yourself and then they would tell me how to change myself so I was confused. if it is ok to be myself why did everyone want me to change.?

    You have brought up some interesting points to discuss and I hope,you will join in here when you want to.

    I also think liking yourself and being yourself are linked.

    Quirky

    3 people found this helpful
  24. White Rose
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    9 January 2019 in reply to Bluebirdbrown

    Hello Bluebirdbrown

    Lovely to see you posting here. A great quote which should make us stop and think. This is where I am at the moment, trying to live where I am and not where I have been or where I am going.

    I think this is where this forum comes into its own. When we focus on this spot, post to this person, we do put our energy and focus into the present moment even when we are reminded of our individual histories.

    Thanks for giving the quote to us.

    Mary

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  25. quirkywords
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    10 January 2019 in reply to White Rose

    hello everyone

    Mary, I hope that this thread an indeed this forum is a safe place that people can open up and be themselves. Sometimes I know that is hard especially if we are wearing a happy mask for others. Being as honest and as true to ourselves can be freeing and this is a good place to start.

    Quirky

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  26. quirkywords
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    12 January 2019 in reply to White Rose

    Hello everyone,

    I have a question and would like your thoughts.

    My problem as I have written before is that I cab be myself until someone criticises me or suggest I change in some way then I struggle.

    Ok. I have a friend I email and help and she does have mental helath issues different from mine so I make allowances. She has recently accused me of being sarcastic when all I was being was helpful and sincere. I know she misreads things but I suppose after a couple of year she could give me the benefit of the doubt.

    I wanted to say I was sorry but I felt for once I had not been sarcastic but helpful. Why do I feel so bad that she was upset by something I said.

    So do I say sorry?

    Quirky

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  27. Ggrand
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    12 January 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    Hello Quirky,

    Im not sure how to answer your question, but I’ll try.

    A lot of people with mh I feel can at times take things we say the wrong way, even though we are helping them..I know I do a lot..

    I know that I feel really bad if I hurt someone unintentionally and will continue to do so until I apologise, even if I was trying to help them....or else my guilt will take over until I just have to say sorry and explain in different words what I was trying to say...sometimes a different way of explaining clears the air..

    I am extremely sensitive and hurt really easy by other people’s comments to me, but my problem is that even though that comment might be true and warranted it hurts me that they needed to tell me anyway and I feel guilty I caused them to make that comment to me...

    ..Being over sensitive to other people’s feelings I think is hard not to feel sad or guilty that we have hurt them even if our help was taken the wrong way and unintentionally they felt hurt...

    Hmmm...not sure if I make much sense at all..

    Love and hugs,

    Grandy..

    I think you are also a very sensitive person and feeling guilt that you have unintentionally hurt your friend..

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  28. quirkywords
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    12 January 2019 in reply to Ggrand

    Hello all,

    Thanks Grandy it makes a lot of sense and I appreciate your reply.

    I suppose if I take something the wrong way and I get upset I am the one who apologises.

    People always tell me I say sorry too much but this who I am, and over apologiser and by not apologising I feel upset.

    The trouble is this has happened numerous times I make allowances for her illness, but this time I cannot for life of me see how my few words would be seen as sarcastic.

    I know this is pretty petty compared to all the problems on the forum but I thought is ties in with my thread.

    Quirky

    1 person found this helpful
  29. Guest_093
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    16 January 2019 in reply to quirkywords
    hi everyone i am here again posting after packing for a move, still unpacking after a move, xmas and new year, having minor lip surgery, still healing but it is so wonderful to read your thoughts and positive responses i have truly missed you all deeply. I have read and written down the quote from bluebirdbrown and love it it is so me and really would love to remember the quote in times of when i need it most, still yet to accomplish it but will work on it?? No her response about you being sarcastic in your writing is not being petty, we all have our problems in one way or another and how we deal with what is said and done toward one another is all our own responsibility. We have choices in life and I for one is allways saying sorry for saying stuff which to me sound dumb and some people look down at that, it is about being confident about yourself and saying the best thing that YOU think will help that person, if she takes what you said the wrong way and says it is sarcastic than so be it, you know in your own mind and heart that you meant well in what you said, perhaps just do not email for a little bit and see what happens, if you feel that strong about her reaction to you helping her out- i hope this makes a little sense to you as this is how i would handle it.
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  30. quirkywords
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    18 January 2019 in reply to Guest_093

    Hello all

    Spitfire thanks for your post and I hope you are feeling better now.

    Thanks for your advice, I really appreciated it.

    It is hard when people take you the wrong way and accuse you of something you are not.

    How do people feel about apologising not because you have any need to, but because it will help the other person. Is that being yourself or not being true to yourself?

    Quirky

    1 person found this helpful

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