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Forums / Staying well / Be Yourself but who am I?

Topic: Be Yourself but who am I?

  1. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    10 July 2019 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    hello everyone

    Thanks for post Elizabeth,

    I found this sentence helpful:

    If you are doing things differently because other people say you should & you change to fit in with them then you are not being yourself .

    When it is a loved one who wants you to change, it feels you have no choice and pleasing others is part of who I am so I do as I am told.

    Quirky

  2. Ggrand
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    10 July 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    Hello Quirky...

    I hope your doing better then okay...

    I read your last sentence and I was so similar to you with loved ones...but that’s slowly changing...

    I feel if you are changing yourself for your loved one and by doing that...then changing yourself for them is not really you... I feel that changing who you really are..you are not being true to yourself...You are who you are and I feel that people should accept you that way...family, friends or acquaintances...We all do..and your the perfect you..no one else can be you...you cannot be anyone else but you...just my thoughts...

    If you change the uniqueness of you...are you really you then?

    Love & hugs..💜🤗.

    Grandy...

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Doolhof
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    10 July 2019 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi Quirky, Grandy and All,

    This is an interesting topic. We all have expectations of who we think we need to be and who others need to be in our eyes.

    It can be tough to stand up and just be who we want to be while we feel like we are letting down other people.

    Yes, we can make changes, but I feel we need to want to make those changes for ourselves not because someone else demands it.

    In some cases, I think it is not easy to be your true self due to expectations, or due to the dominance of someone else influencing us.

    That is when maybe we can play a part to make life easier for ourselves and live out our true selves when ever we can.

    Just a few thoughts to ponder anyway!

    Cheers from Dools

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  4. quirkywords
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    10 July 2019 in reply to Doolhof

    Hi Grandy and Mrs Dools and waves to everyone reading,

    You both make good points.

    There are times like in a work place when we are asked to change and if we don’t we may lose our jobs. I had a casual teaching job and the principal wanted a slim, quiet, neat teacher and I was not one of those things so my contract only lasted a term.

    I tried so hard not to be loud and messy but it didn’t work. So sometimes it isn’t possible to change no matter how much we try and want to.

    Mrs Dools I agree a dominating person like a boss is hard to ignore.

    I am glad I am my own boss now but when people comment and say there is too much stock in my shop, I think I should change my shop, then I think this is my shop and the way I like it.

    Quirky

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  5. Elizabeth CP
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    11 July 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    Sometimes we choose to do things to suit other people. If we feel what we are doing is fair it is OK For example we may have to do things to comply with our bosses expectations. f we are able to do this and feel it is fair & reasonable In exchange he is paying us a fair wage & treating us with respect We are then fitting in to one of our important roles so we are being ourself. Of course if we are struggling to fit in to the expectations &/or we feel we are being treated unfairly moving on t a different job is better.

    Similarly with friends & relatives. There is always some give & take If we choose to do something to make someone we love happy that is fine as long as we don't feel we are the one always expected to fit in.

    Sorry I'm not expressing myself very clearly

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  6. Doolhof
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    11 July 2019 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    Hi Quirky and Elizabeth,

    You have both expressed yourselves well, and that just adds to the point that we are all individuals and we all express ourselves our own ways!

    As humans, I guess to a degree we adapt to the situations we find ourselves in. It might depend on our personality types, life experiences and so much more as to how much we are able or willing to do that.

    Guess we all have to find ways to be content and to accept ourselves and those around us one way or another.

    Cheers from Dools.

    2 people found this helpful
  7. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
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    11 July 2019 in reply to Doolhof

    Hello Quirky and waves all round.

    This is a tricky topic and worthwhile exploring. We are our own selves and in general can remain that way. It's unfortunate that if everyone did their own thing the world would be a in a mess. So we do the best we can to resonate to the needs of others while also keeping our individuality. Easy hey! (hmm).

    I like your teaching example Quirky. Your style of teaching comes from the essential you. It can be very different from the perceptions of the principal. If your style did not allow your students to learn it would be a problem. If the students were happy in your class and were making good use of your teaching I fail to see why the principal should not accept you as you are. I think it would be a very boring school if all the teachers were " slim, quiet, neat". We learn best from experiencing all styles of teaching and I would like to bet your students were disappointed when you left.

    This is an example of imposing personality onto someone. It's not good, reasonable or respectful. I tried so hard not to be loud and messy but it didn’t work. I do query why you would need to be different unless your noisiness disrupted the class next door. Children need challenges and differences. I think boredom would do more harm and certainly reduce learning if all teachers were alike.

    The essential me or you or anyone is just that. We learn to adapt to reasonable requests and circumstances not to be bullied into a personality change. At work your boss has the right to ask you to do certain tasks and give time frames etc. This is his/her role. Your role is to comply with these instructions though you probably do it in your own way as we all do. It's not a compromise of the essential you, it's carrying out tasks to the best of your ability in order to be paid a wage.

    Asking you to do something illegal or horrible (such as reporting on workmates), is not part of the job description and unlikely to be something you would want to do. You can refuse and may lose your job over it. That's unfortunate. We can set our own boundaries and stay with them when it's reasonable. What's reasonable? Good question. That's what we must each decide.

    Mary

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  8. quirkywords
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    11 July 2019 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    hello Elizabeth, Mrs Dools and Mary and waves to everyone reading,

    Elizabeth,

    You express yourself very well and I appreciate your input as it makes me think .

    You wrote,

    Similarly with friends & relatives. There is always some give & take If we choose to do something to make someone we love happy that is fine as long as we don't feel we are the one always expected to fit in.

    I find the last bit so true as we don’t want to feel we are only one changing to fit in.

    Mrs Dools

    you wrote

    Guess we all have to find ways to be content and to accept ourselves and those around us one way or another.

    I find the accepting the hard part and it depends on how others accept me too.

    Mary,

    thanks for your kind words. I used to say that the children and parents liked my teaching style and the only person who did not was the principal. I suppose the principal has the right to have a say in the type of staff they want.

    You wrote

    The essential me or you or anyone is just that. We learn to adapt to reasonable requests and circumstances not to be bullied into a personality change.

    I feel the key word is reasonable and I suppose some would consider some requests reasonable that another may see as unreasonable.

    Thanks Elizabeth, Mrs Dools and Mary for your contributions to this topic.

    Quirky

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  9. quirkywords
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    31 July 2019 in reply to White Rose

    Hello all,

    One common theme among posters seems to be people saying that don't feel good enough, and I want to ask why they feel this way and not good enough compared to whom or not good enough for a certain person.

    I think not feeling good enough may arise because we are not being ourselves but are spending all our time and energy trying to please others only to find we do not seem to be ever seen as good enough.

    Do you think if we are confident to be ourselves that we would always feel we are goof enough in any situation? Or is it more complex than that?

    Quirky

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  10. Elizabeth CP
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    31 July 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    Do you think if we are confident to be ourselves that we would always feel we are goof enough in any situation? Or is it more complex than that?

    I think it is complex. We can't be good enough in any situation because no matter how good or confident we are we have strengths & weaknesses so we are likely to face situations which are particularly challenging to us My oldest son is very confident & always has been.But even he has certain things he's not as good at. I remember him learning to drive. He struggled because he was suddenly faced with something he wasn't good at & didn't like having us as parents telling him what to do. Once he accepted that he couldn't be good at everything as soon as he tried he settled down and focused on developing the skills he needed. He's now an excellent driver As he grew up he has taken on the attitude that he although he can't do everything well he is able to do all the things he really needs to do well & that is OK. I see him as a very strong confident adult who most people like because of his kind caring confident nature.

    I share that because I see him as a model to work towards.

    • Acknowledge the things we are good at or capable of doing & use those talents both for ourselves & for those around us. This will help build confidence & self esteem.
    • Learn to accept we can't be good at something we've never tried before but if we want to improve we need to be willing to try even if we make mistakes as we learn & build skills.
    • Accept there are some things which we are not good at or have no interest in so we are better focusing on the things which really matter to us. My son has no interest in music or singing but he takes the attitude that he has plenty of other things he's good at so it doesn't matter.
    • My son has had a life time to develop his confidence. We can't expect to suddenly be confident after a lifetime of feeling inadaquate. We need to allow ourselves time to improve & to encourage each other

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  11. quirkywords
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    31 July 2019 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    Hello all,

    thanks for your thoughtful post.

    Acknowledge accept, learn and allow, are four very helpful points.

    Thanks for sharing your example and story.

    Quirky

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  12. JustRelax
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    15 August 2019 in reply to Quercus
    This made me happy - Thanks
    2 people found this helpful
  13. quirkywords
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    15 August 2019 in reply to JustRelax

    Just relax

    welcome to the forum. This is a supportive place.

    i am glad you read something here that made you happy.

    Feel free to write here and share your thoughts or browse other threads.

    Quirky

    1 person found this helpful
  14. quirkywords
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    18 August 2019 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    Hello everyone,

    What does being yourself mean, ?

    Someone close wto me says I should think before I speak and I do all the time. I think so that what I say will not offend or hurt another person.

    if someone says I don’t do I agree and say I will try harder or do I be myself and say this is me ?

    Quirky

  15. monkey_magic
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    19 August 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    The new thing is to be unapologetically you.

    Someone once said to me you call a spade a spade. It could hurt and offend ppl but a lot of other ppl appreciate the rawness and honestly.

    Ive also been asked to tone myself down by someone.

    A the end of the day it's your truth that I feel needs expressing.

    Sometimes I'll tone my vouce down to be softer.

    I agree with thinking before you speak.

    And just generally being as close as possible to your real self.

    We can only b who we truelly are.

  16. quirkywords
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    19 August 2019 in reply to monkey_magic

    hello everyone

    monkey_magic,

    Thanks for your thoughtful post.

    I agree be unapologetically you.

    always think before I speak but am accused I don't when I have a different opinion.

    Surely we can be different and still be ourselves.

    Thanks MM,

    Quirky

    1 person found this helpful
  17. Moonstruck
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    19 August 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    Hey Quirky my friend....re the title of your thread....haven't you figured it out yet? I have the answer for you....

    if you go now, and look in the mirror...hey presto...there you are!!! (bahahahaa)

  18. quirkywords
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    19 August 2019 in reply to Moonstruck

    Hello all,

    Moon my friend,

    Is It my reflection in the mirror the real me or just an image of myself into which others see what they want

    too see.

    May be the question could be Can I , we be myself/ourselves without annoying others?

    Quirky

  19. Moonstruck
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    20 August 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    Dear Quirky...others will always see what they want to see...and there's nothing we can do about that! Nor should we try. Yes of course you/we can be yourself...and whether or not it annoys others, is entirely out of your control...so no point trying what others think of us.

    I of course, as usual, am useless at taking my own advice. I go out of my way NOT to annoy others, and only revealing "who I am" to those I trust and are important for whatever reason in my life...those who I know will accept me, (however I am on that day..).those to whom "the real me" is someone they like and want in their lives.

    But..if I were "the real me" and say what I honestly felt to EVERYONE...I have to accept that some will loathe me, completely reject me, be nasty to me, or whatever....just be a bit choosy about "who" you allow to see "the real Quirky"....that's not being insincere....that's just self-preservation.

  20. quirkywords
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    20 August 2019 in reply to Moonstruck

    hello all

    Moon, I tend to be selective in who sees the real Quirky but I used to be very honest and open as a book.

    As I get older I try to remember the saying from Dr Seuss:

    "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter "

    It can be hard as I do worry what others think but am trying not to take it to heart as much as I used to. I also realise that often people who say critical things reveal more about themselves than about me.

    Quirky

  21. Moonstruck
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    20 August 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    Yes Quirky...in some areas...(only "some") we do get wiser as we get older..like you, I used to be trusting, honest, vulnerable, childlike,like an open book....

    must say i cannot agree with Dr Seuss "completely"....as there are times when "those who mind" do actually matter...at least on the surface if they 1. work with us..2. play on the same team..3. live in the next door unit..and probably other examples.... in other words, those folk who we can't ignore or block from our everyday lives completely....

    these such people (and I'm getting pretty good at picking them now) don't get to see and enjoy the "real me"...I am polite, well mannered, civil, chatty, etc so the social wheels keep nicely oiled and turning.....I'm sure you know what I mean...

    I must be getting good at picking these people out...because very very rarely...almost never am I on the receiving end of negative, critical or nasty comments!!!

    The most hilarious opinion of me that a mate passed onto me was a woman i met briefly who described me as "bubbly, a real people-person"....bahahahaha....funniest thing I'd ever heard...couldn't be further from the truth...gee I laughed!!

  22. quirkywords
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    20 August 2019 in reply to Moonstruck

    Hello all,

    Moon,

    I think when people who only see one part of us like that woman who described you as being bubbly and a real people person, they will be reacting to how you appear on the surface.

    I often have people commenting to othersbhow confident and outgoing I appear and how funny I am . That is a part of me people see. Utbthey sont see the worried self doubting serious person I often am.

    I feel they are both real,parts of me. Do you feel the bubbly moon is any part of you or is she only for show to others.

    i know I have said this before but my negative comments come from those close to me but they are viewed by then as being feedback and are surprised I get upset. I am told I am way too sensitive .

    I wonder what others feel about what others say about them and how you are seen

    Quirky

  23. Moonstruck
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    21 August 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    It's complicated isn't it Quirky. No, I don't think "bubbly"is any part of me at all. Silly word anyway really I think...with people in my "tribe" who all have good senses of humour and natural wit anyway...I can be funny, witty and we all make each other laugh, but it's sincere, not "bubbly".

    And No, I am not a "people person" either...whatever that means. I have no desire whatsoever to "meet new people" or enlarge my social circle...none at all. Nor do I have any interest or curiosity about those I do not know, or wish to engage them in conversation, find out more about them etc....(this is why I found it so funny to be described that way, by this lady who clearly was way off the mark, (in a nice way of course)

    Those I regard as close friends, I would miss immensely if they weren't here, or we fell out, or lost touch. I am also lucky enough to have acquaintances who enjoy the same interests....and I thoroughly enjoy their company too, and appreciate them for the role they play in my life.......I can't image either my friends or close acquaintances describing me as "bubbly"......Nuh, no bubbles here I'm afraid..

    (you are doing fine Quirky just the way you are, by the sound of it )........xx

  24. quirkywords
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    21 August 2019 in reply to Moonstruck

    hello all

    Moon,

    Isnt it quite interesting that it is quite complicated but I like the way you think it all through with reasons.

    I find it perplexing Hwy people we don’t really know or care for decide that may to describe us when they have not a clue about who we really are.

    i have had people tell me how outgoing I am when I have time I. Th ebtahroom getting the courage to one out and face a room of strangers.

    Why don’t we just be ourselves and allow others to be themselves without using unhelpful labels.

    Thanks Moon for your input.

    Quirky

  25. quirkywords
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    14 September 2019 in reply to Moonstruck

    Hello all,

    I keep coming back to what Be yourself means. people give that advice all the time but do they mean it.

    If we are ourselves does that mean all the less desirable traits as well?

    maybe you are feeling lost. You are not sure who you are,

    How do you find your way back to the real you?

    All ideas and suggestions appreciated.

    Quirky

  26. Moonstruck
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    15 September 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    Dear Quirky.....I think, the phrase "Be yourself" when someone tells you that...means..absolutely nothing. It's useless, just a throw-away line..like..let's see...someone sort of shrugging and saying "whatever...."....or "there ya go"...the person giving that useless advice has no idea either of what it means...it's just something to say to fill in a gap......don't even give it another thought....

    "Be yourself"....is just empty words. Why should you take that advice anyway? You don't have to "be yourself"....you can be anyone you want!! take your pick Quirky......

    you don't have to "find your way back to your real you"...you're already there!

  27. quirkywords
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    15 September 2019 in reply to Moonstruck

    Hello all

    moon, thanks. I find two words that out fear into me when people say “just relax” . That is a throw away line that has the opposite effect.

    I feel I am not there being the real me but I am a work in progress anlobing work of art that changes all the time. Not there by a long way.

    Quirky

  28. Moonstruck
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    16 September 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    Hey dear friend....I don't like"just relax"either..what I reckon is more effective is the one word "breathe"...

    Your "dilemma" and questioning of "who you are" has me quite mystified. "a work in progress, but I'm not there by a long way" I don't understand where you are wanting to go exactly? remember the popular saying "it's not the destination, it's the journey that counts"?

    Or if you'll allow me a bit of comic relief...I always quite liked what Kerry Packer said when he came back from his near death experience with his almost fatal heart attack.

    "There is no "there" there"!!

  29. quirkywords
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    17 September 2019 in reply to Moonstruck

    Hello all,

    Moon,

    I think if I am to be myself I will be different from everyone else, and while you may think it is mystifying as I don't know who I am, but I am ok with that.

    am glad we all think differently makes life fascinating.

    do not like people telling me to breathe, as if I was not breathing I would not be here.

    People saying chill, just relax, breathe means they dont accept me as I am and want me to change. This is who I am , is it ok for me to be me.?

    My main question is why people say be yourself and then in next breath tell me how to change.

    Moon I like you the way you are .

    Quirky

  30. Moonstruck
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    18 September 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    Dearest Quirky.... Perhaps when others tell you to "relax, chill, or breathe", rather than not accepting you as you are...they can see you maybe troubled and trying to make you feel a bit better? Could you be mis-reading their intentions? They probably don't know what else to say.

    as for telling you how to change...tell them you'll be however you want thanks....or say "thanks for your input, now let's talk about you instead...how are you?"

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