Online forums

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please complete your profile

Complete your profile

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community.

Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

Join the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak

Forums / Staying well / Be Yourself but who am I?

Topic: Be Yourself but who am I?

  1. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    12396 posts
    29 October 2020 in reply to Moonstruck

    hello everyone
    Moon thanks so much for honestly sharing all the changes in your life.
    I knows it has been hard for you this year coping with some many changes. I can see how being on the brink can feel terrifying.

    I find it confusing that I ant moving but stuck.
    I can relate to being in transition mode. When people say to me are you recovered ?have you moved on, ? I want to scream. This year of all years we need to realise we are changing and we should be understanding.

    I think our society has changed and will need to adapt.

    I am not sure I liked the old me but I am Not sure about the new me. I am on a journey and it is a bumpy ride and maybe there is no destination.

    So I am wonder how others feel they have changed this year .?

  2. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Doolhof avatar
    8755 posts
    29 October 2020 in reply to Moonstruck

    Hi Moon,

    I was very moved by your open and maybe very raw emotional response to Quirky. I know when my babies died, I really struggled with who I was. I had dreamed of being a Mum. That did not happen. I think I still struggle at times when I am depressed and that is because for me, I don't accept who I am.

    I long for something I wasn't able to have, to be an identy that was never mine. It has made me question how much of my life have a squandered away because I was not able to see that I am okay as I am.

    Loosing a partner is something I have not experienced. I can only imagine how you are feeling and coping.

    My desire for you would be that you can find a way to live with who you are now and to grow into the new aspects of "you" without too much trauma. It is hard to move on when people we love and care for are no longer with us.

    Life can be hard when we feel our identity has gone, and we have no idea who we are anymore.

    Thinking of you Moon, from Dools

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Doolhof avatar
    8755 posts
    29 October 2020 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky and All,

    In answer to your question Quirky about how I have changed this year, I don't know that I can state that the Corona Virus changed me a lot this year. My mind was very screwed up already before the virus even hit us! So I can't blame the virus on my mental state.

    I have been fortunate to live in a state of Australia that did not suffer from severe lockdowns like in Victoria.

    Someone stated that we all had this extra time on our hands due to the shut downs so we could become home cleaning goddesses, our gardens would be perfect, we would have created lots of arts and crafts projects, have read a hundred books, do courses on line and so on.

    My point is, my mind was already screwed up. How is being shut down and being stuck at home supposed to help me miraculously feel like I want to achieve a thousand different goals?

    That didn't work for me. My mental health got in the way of being able to use all that down time productively.

    I'm starting to feel a little bit better. Now is the time for me to try to push myself to do activities and make the most of each day.

    One of my biggest changes is trying to accept my mental health is here and some days it just does its own thing, if I like it or not!

    Cheers from Dools

  4. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    12396 posts
    29 October 2020 in reply to Doolhof

    Dools

    your response to moon was very moving and emotional.

    This life sentence is so poignant.

    Life can be hard when we feel our identity has gone, and we have no idea who we are anymore.

    I think so many can relate to that .

    Thanks Dools and Moon for being vulnerable .

    2 people found this helpful
  5. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    12396 posts
    26 December 2020 in reply to Doolhof

    hello everyone, all are welcome to join in or read.

    In 6 days time it will be 2021.

    What does that mean for us as individuals or as a society.

    Why is such a fuss made about another year when it is another day.

    For me NYE is personal as it is a year since black summer changed my life.

    Have I changed? I think I am more skeptical, more impatient and less trusting but also more understanding, grateful and compassionate I hope.

    So many have had so many changes this year, so much grief and loss, so what does a new year mean? any ideas?

    2 people found this helpful
  6. Moonstruck
    Moonstruck avatar
    3722 posts
    6 January 2021 in reply to quirkywords

    Quirky.....I came across your thread and for the first time I can recall, I am asking myself that same question now? As you may recall, my partner died 8 months ago now..(yes I know, I should be "over it)....and have realised an aspect of grief no one warns you about! I am not grieving just for him, I am grieving (maybe more) for "me". The "me" I was all those years when he was alive. I have lost her. I cannot get her back. She is as dead and gone as he is.

    I can live without him...but how do I live without "myself' I miss her terribly. I am grieving deeply for her. No I haven't gone insane.....this "loss of identity" I have read can be quite severe. Mine is anyway. So I am asking the same question as you are now....."But who am I".

    I don't know how to be anyone else but myself. But the self I've been for so long is gone. what do I do now?

  7. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    12396 posts
    6 January 2021 in reply to Moonstruck

    Hello everyone reading,

    Moon

    Thanks so much for asking your question but I may not have any answers or be the person to ask as I can relate to what you are saying but my circumstances are different.

    Firstly I would never say that someone should be over it as there is no use by date for grief and loss.

    You ask such a familiar yet difficult question "I can live without him...but how do I live without "myself' I miss her terribly."

    Now I don't have wise words .

    I wonder if the self you feel you lost when your partner died was different from the self you were before you met?

    Do you feel you have lost the old you because you don't feel now the way he made you feel.?

    What part of you that is gone now do you miss the most?

    I hope others see your post and have more helpful comments.

    I will think about What do I do now? and will get back later.

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Elizabeth CP
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Elizabeth CP avatar
    2428 posts
    6 January 2021 in reply to quirkywords
    There are those who think you should get over grief by a certain time. But they are people who haven't experienced what you are going through. I havent lost a partner to death so my situation is very different to yours. My partner has a degenerative condition which has had a profound effect on our life. Like you missing the person you were I also miss the person and the life I had before he became disabled.
    2 people found this helpful
  9. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    5763 posts
    6 January 2021 in reply to Moonstruck

    Hi Moon. Firstly, sorry to hear of your loss. I noticed in your post you indicated you should be over it. Personally speaking, should is word that I have to try not to use and replace with "wish". But this is not about me... I just you know there is no timetable as to if or when life returns to any sort of normal, if that is what we want to call it, as it is probably a different normal. Following from Elizabeth's post. some people might have a delayed reaction to loss. Whether it takes days, months, or years depends on many things.

    If I may ask one thing... what is different in the way you act now vs (say) last year or 2 years ago? What do you feel is missing in yourself?

    (Please do not feel compelled to answer the questions.)

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Doolhof avatar
    8755 posts
    7 January 2021 in reply to Moonstruck

    Hi Moon,

    It is lovely that you have had such thoughtful, kind responses from Quirky, Elizabeth and Tim. I too agree that grief can be a very long term happening for some people. It would be lovely if grief had a use by date, it just doesn't happen that way.

    I've not had a partner die, I have had relationships that broke down and changed the person I was, it can be hard working out who we now are without the significant other person in our lives. I am certainly not suggesting that a separation is any where near the same as a death. I'm just trying to work out feelings and emotions around being someone different than whom we desire to be due to a loss.

    My thoughts are with you . The death of a loved one certainly does change dynamics and the people we are.

    Kind thoughts to you from Dools

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Moonstruck
    Moonstruck avatar
    3722 posts
    7 January 2021 in reply to smallwolf

    Hello People...thanks for replying . Perhaps I worded it too dramatically...perhaps I am simply "grieving" and what everyone goes through.... took me by surprise...the sense of losing "two people".

    I know I'm highjacking Quirky's thread, so if I speak any more about this, I'd better use my own thread "I don't know the right place for me to post" I guess.

    Smallwolf asked what I feel is missing in myself.... I'll try and explain. I realise now I was always fairly "relaxed, confident and motivated, well organised, able to enjoy activities (my own and my own friends with or without "him") because...I always knew my closest ally was there, somewhere and I would see him again soon, perhaps tomorrow, perhaps tonight, but always together. I am none of those things now.

    (we did not live together, had our own units which we liked, liked our own space but it suited us and our lifestyles). Neither of us had lived with anyone for many years and didn't want to now, at our "mature ages".

    We often said we were grateful and knew how lucky we were to have found someone at our ages. not many are so fortunate..so we appreciated finding each other and did not take each other for granted. We had been alone for a long time so loved every moment we were together.

    I always knew too, that someone, one person, thought I was wonderful, there was at least one person in the universe who loved me and never wanted to lose me. He made me happier than any man ever has , we had ups and downs and disagreements, but knew how important we were to each other.

    Because all that is "gone".......there is no one I can relate to like that any more, so what do I do with all this "me-ness" that he liked so much? Who do I share it with now?

    I have no motivation any more, things need doing around the house and garden...I care but have no energy to do anything. The "old me" would have. I am not interested in anyone else's lives or troubles. except for my closest family, I couldn't care less about others, I have lost the "compassionate me".....I don't care how I dress or how I look...why bother? No one "sees" me any more.

    This is the experience I was not expecting nor even heard about. The sense of "losing oneself" too, along with the other person. I can manage without him, but I can't manage without myself. I can keep on going without him, but not without myself.

    This has probably not explained anything at all, but best I can do today....sorry...and thank you for replying.

    2 people found this helpful
  12. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    12396 posts
    7 January 2021 in reply to Moonstruck

    Moon,and everyone

    You should know that I welcome your posts and rather than taking over my thread I see it as an enhancement.

    I thank you for explaining . It made a lot of sense of having one person in the world who loves you and gets you.

    "He made me happier than any man ever has , we had ups and downs and disagreements, but knew how important we were to each other." That is a wonderful way he made you feel and I can understand to lose that after experiencing that wonderful feeling would be so sad.

    I feel you are describing what many people experience but cant explain.

    Maybe trying to regaining a sense of self after the loss is accepting that identity is going to be different than it was before.

    I wonder if you maybe expecting too much of yourself too soon as 8 months is a relative short time and maybe you need more time .

    A friend told me who grief counsellor told her she thought going to the cemetery every fortnight to see her husbands grave may be too much. My friend said she couldnt tell counsellor she was going every day sometimes twice a day and that lasted for nearly 2 years.

    the compassionate you, I see in your posts and how care for others, maybe it is online but you still come across as caring and interested.

    Maybe having compassion for your family and not others is what you need now.

    I think by writing this you are helping others who have experienced the recent death of a partner or like me know some who has. it has given me a lot to think about how we relate to someone who is greiveing.

    thank you Moon

    1 person found this helpful
  13. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    12396 posts
    11 February 2021 in reply to Doolhof

    Hello all,

    everyone welcome

    I find am I still myself if I change to stop conflicts. I find when relating to others I often agree with people to avoid conflict and to keep the peace.
    Does that make me compatible or a doormat..?

    1 person found this helpful
  14. Candypants
    Candypants  avatar
    3 posts
    12 February 2021 in reply to quirkywords

    Could make you smart??

    honestly, I challenge everything and it can be exhausting! Functioning in the workplace is especially fun

    1 person found this helpful
  15. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    12396 posts
    13 February 2021 in reply to Candypants

    Thanks candypants. I don’t feel smarter only more tired as I pretend to be something I am not.

    Do you know who you are .?

    1 person found this helpful
  16. amberlite
    amberlite avatar
    415 posts
    28 February 2021 in reply to quirkywords
    Hi peeps this is a huge plausibility and only here can i find minds so rich with wonder i am gonna think and think about this tasty brain morsel and i thank you all because it will fill my mind with wonder and stave of the bad
    2 people found this helpful
  17. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    12396 posts
    28 February 2021 in reply to amberlite

    Amberlite thanks for your words, they are poetic.

    I like your avatar.

    1 person found this helpful
  18. amberlite
    amberlite avatar
    415 posts
    1 March 2021 in reply to quirkywords
    i have been thinking about Be Yourself and its hard I did look online and it said be yourself because everyone else is taken that might be about comparing yourself to others or in my case wishing you were someone else sorry i am a bit off today this recovery is harder this site is the only hand book i have cu later
    1 person found this helpful
  19. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9085 posts
    1 March 2021 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky and everyone..l

    Do we ever know who we really are?..

    When I am at home..I think I am who I am..

    When I go out to work or when my support worker takes me to my appointments..I am still me but different..I have to try to engage in conversation, so people don’t think I’m stuck up..I have to smile and pretend to be happy..so I don’t seem like the depressed person I am...I have to interact with others...so I don’t make them feel awkward...I have to go to my neighbours for coffee when she ask me...to keep the peace between us...

    So who am I...the person at home alone...or the person that can change to accommodate other around me?...

    Do we really ever know our true self?..

    Grandy..

    1 person found this helpful
  20. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    12396 posts
    1 March 2021 in reply to Ggrand

    Grandy

    I keep asking myself questions about who I am?

    Am I the quirky who posts on the forum.?

    or am I quirky the mother and nana.?

    am I the op shop volunteer?

    or am I the quirky who can write alone for hours.

    or any of a myriad of Quirkys.

    Are we a mixture of all our parts, past , present and the rigid parts and the inflexible .
    Quirky

    1 person found this helpful
  21. Moonstruck
    Moonstruck avatar
    3722 posts
    2 March 2021 in reply to quirkywords

    Still trying to figure it out hey Quirky. You're all those things. Isn't that wonderful that you are not just a one-dimensional cut-out figure? You're all those things......love Moon X

    1 person found this helpful
  22. Elizabeth CP
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Elizabeth CP avatar
    2428 posts
    3 March 2021 in reply to Moonstruck
    I agree. Robots are great at one thing but change the situation or task and they are useless. Humans are adaptable. We can be the super strict parent or grandparent or teacher when required but can be loving and sympathetic and understanding when the person we care for requires it. We can put on a brave face when needed to get through a tough situation but once we're through it we dissolve in tears. Adapting to the situation is part of being ourselves as long as we act in accordance with our own values throughout
    1 person found this helpful
  23. amberlite
    amberlite avatar
    415 posts
    3 March 2021 in reply to Elizabeth CP
    yes i think be myself means be true to myself, i can bend and twist to fit in but in the end there must be a benefit for my true self. that's so honest only here can i enjoy your posts and share my thoughts, guilty pleasure.
    1 person found this helpful
  24. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    12396 posts
    3 March 2021 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    Moon,

    thanks. I am still trying to work out who zi am

    Elizabeth,

    I sometimes wish I was a robot .

    amberlite

    yes be your true self, whatever that means for me.

    1 person found this helpful
  25. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    12396 posts
    22 August 2021 in reply to quirkywords

    Is anyone question who they are now their routines have changed, maybe now work, or work from home, can’t visit friends or family, .

    How do you maintain your sense of self of identity in these uncertain times..?

    1 person found this helpful
  26. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    12396 posts
    28 August 2021 in reply to quirkywords
    I doubt myself a lot in these last few years.
    1 person found this helpful
  27. Elizabeth CP
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Elizabeth CP avatar
    2428 posts
    28 August 2021 in reply to quirkywords
    I find it difficult when I can't do the things which I feel are important. Family has always been really important to me but with all the restrictions over the last year and a half I haven't had chance to see my children except the one living close to us. Even my son living nearby I can't visit and we can't help each other. This leaves me feeling that I've lost my identity as a mother who actively supports my family. I feel like I've lost my purpose.
    1 person found this helpful
  28. Learn to Fly
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Learn to Fly avatar
    217 posts
    28 August 2021 in reply to quirkywords

    Hey quirkywords,

    Perfect question for current times, thank you.

    I am the person who likes to have the things done. Tick the boxes. Done and dusted. Move on. Progress.

    I struggle now as I feel like I am constantly operating on a reverse gear. Yes, I had to put some things on hold and I feel like the time is sleeping away and wasting away.
    And I also doubt myself waaay too often, undermining my own judgement.

    1 person found this helpful
  29. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    12396 posts
    1 October 2021 in reply to Learn to Fly

    Thanks Learn to Fly for your honest reply.

    I think many of us doubt ourselves these days as life is changing and there is so much uncertainty.

    I doubt myself even more when life keeps changing.

    I wonder how many others start doubting themselves and feel like life is in reverse gear.

    1 person found this helpful

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up