Hello People...thanks for replying . Perhaps I worded it too dramatically...perhaps I am simply "grieving" and what everyone goes through.... took me by surprise...the sense of losing "two people".
I know I'm highjacking Quirky's thread, so if I speak any more about this, I'd better use my own thread "I don't know the right place for me to post" I guess.
Smallwolf asked what I feel is missing in myself.... I'll try and explain. I realise now I was always fairly "relaxed, confident and motivated, well organised, able to enjoy activities (my own and my own friends with or without "him") because...I always knew my closest ally was there, somewhere and I would see him again soon, perhaps tomorrow, perhaps tonight, but always together. I am none of those things now.
(we did not live together, had our own units which we liked, liked our own space but it suited us and our lifestyles). Neither of us had lived with anyone for many years and didn't want to now, at our "mature ages".
We often said we were grateful and knew how lucky we were to have found someone at our ages. not many are so fortunate..so we appreciated finding each other and did not take each other for granted. We had been alone for a long time so loved every moment we were together.
I always knew too, that someone, one person, thought I was wonderful, there was at least one person in the universe who loved me and never wanted to lose me. He made me happier than any man ever has , we had ups and downs and disagreements, but knew how important we were to each other.
Because all that is "gone".......there is no one I can relate to like that any more, so what do I do with all this "me-ness" that he liked so much? Who do I share it with now?
I have no motivation any more, things need doing around the house and garden...I care but have no energy to do anything. The "old me" would have. I am not interested in anyone else's lives or troubles. except for my closest family, I couldn't care less about others, I have lost the "compassionate me".....I don't care how I dress or how I look...why bother? No one "sees" me any more.
This is the experience I was not expecting nor even heard about. The sense of "losing oneself" too, along with the other person. I can manage without him, but I can't manage without myself. I can keep on going without him, but not without myself.
This has probably not explained anything at all, but best I can do today....sorry...and thank you for replying.