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Forums / Staying well / Depression and Toxic people

Topic: Depression and Toxic people

7 posts, 0 answered
  1. white knight
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    white knight avatar
    9754 posts
    1 September 2014

    What is a toxic person?  I think it is someone that can be destructive to others as one on one or often in a group. Toxic people often easily fit into cliques in groups. They can be possessive, nasty, cunning, sly, manipulative, and abrasive and they can also wear a mask, hiding their real self. Whereas many of us wear a mask to shield ourselves from potential hurt, the toxic person wears a mask to enable themselves to penetrate others defences.  Before you know it you have opened your heart to them, told them all and sundry about your struggles you regret it Or perhaps you know they are toxic from day one but you cannot, for various reasons ..avoid them. eg family members

    Knowing a toxic person can be a threat to anyone with a mental illness. Some years ago I began to recognise what a toxic person was...to me and perhaps not to others. The question I had for a long long time was- what do I do about it? Among them was my mother, two aunties (on the other side not related to my mother) and my sister. This is where it gets interesting because I now have the most loving caring relationship with my sister even though I once found her 'toxic'.

    One has to be careful that whatever action you take is the civil way- eg not used as a weapon but used as purely defense. . Obviously it depends on the person - you. What you feel is apt. As a guide there is every action from befriending them and leaving yourself open to hurt, to eliminating them fully from your life and everything in between.

    Eliminating is the quickest and surest way to obtain harmony and move on without the drama. But had I did that with my sister ..I wouldnt have her in my life now!.  My sister and I for 30 years, had my mother in between us, manipulating each of us against each other. It was this element, one that we both had little control over, that allowed me to not eliminate her. Four years ago events occured whereby we both had to eliminate mother from our lives so we could both recover from our mental struggles and start loving and caring for each other. It worked.

    So, think deeply about your decision and the conditions of that decision. How those people you push away can contact you if need be. Control how you can be contacted for example. Be wary!!. Remember why you took a stance in the first place - for health reasons being one ingredient of the recipe to help overcome depression.

    It is a tough decision. For me toxic people are those that I can do without. People stopping my progress to heal.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Neil_1
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    Neil_1 avatar
    4232 posts
    2 September 2014 in reply to white knight

    Hey White Knight

    Another great post that you've provided - you've got a very clever way and knack about you that we are enjoying on this site.  The way you can bring up a topic and talk about it and give insights along the way.

    It really makes the reader think.

    I also think toxic people would - um, no, I'll try again:  I think bullies would fall into the category of being toxic people.  Especially where you said:

    "Before you know it you have opened your heart to them, told them all and sundry about your struggles you regret it Or perhaps you know they are toxic from day one but you cannot, for various reasons ..avoid them."

    I know you ended there with family members - and that still might be the case, but often times a bully will appear from no-where and blast you.  OR it could be at work, or just about anywhere.

    Anyway, just thought I'd chip in with this.

    Cheers

    Neil

     

     

  3. white knight
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    white knight avatar
    9754 posts
    2 September 2014 in reply to Neil_1

    Hi Neil,

    Yes, bullies. A highly underestimated effect on all of us in society.

    Bullies in clubs or in towns can largely be avoided. But in the workplace where you dpeend on that job to survive financially...is a totally different senario. A bully can effect your career path, your contentment, your work friends etc

    I've documented here that I've had two bullying incidents in motoring clubs. But if I recall over the years the 80 jobs or so in my working life...many had bullies and bullied me but I treated it as "normal". We had bullying so often that we accepted it as something that came with work, something not accepted nowadays.

    In my experience cleaners are the most bullied in the workplace. They have a job that - if they do a superb job they are not rewarded as their results are not apparent. Yet if they fail to clean a surface it is noticed. Furthermore cleaning supervisors are often simply cleaners that have had a long work record. Zero supervising courses etc.

    Thankfully bullying is slowly becoming a topic of conversation in the media and in schools.

  4. Kar
    Kar avatar
    7 posts
    29 December 2014 in reply to white knight

    I have a question for anyone who can answer…how can you know if someone is "TOXIC" from the moment you meet them or even shortly after? Is this possible? It's difficult to always be on your guard all the time, it would be nice to simply trust people from the get go.

    Toxic people are also those who most times think and speak, speak and think negatively. They can transgress you from  being positive to being negative because they are always critical about everything, or embittered about something that they can't let go. To me these kind of toxic people are easier to detect soon after you meet and engage them.

    As for Bullies/ Toxic people, I have decided to avoid them as far as possible (in the work place). Avoid having to call them, run into them and interact with them.

     

  5. white knight
    Community Champion
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    white knight avatar
    9754 posts
    30 December 2014 in reply to Kar

    Well that would be good wouldnt it?

    Trouble is it isnt easy detecting the toxicity in some people (most?)

    And many of us have cognitive issues whereby things that detect toxicity (I call if cognitive deficiency) is not there and the gullibility continues. Getting hurt from these people is therefore more common among us whereas many aquaintances say "nope, I stand clear of that bloke" - automatic awareness.

    I totally agree with your last sentence about standing clear fromtoxic people ie bullies and the like. But having mental illness ourselves also means we can come across often to others as being toxic ourselves.

    Then many stay clear of us and we dont like that either. I came up with 5 most important issues to attedned to by mental illness sufferers, to survive better in the world-

    Removing of toxic people no matter who they are

    Ensuring your environment is calm, basic and relaxed e.g consider a move to a rural area

    Get you finances in order to limit stress of bad debts, high debt, etc e.g. trade down on your home or that move to the country to a cheaper dwelling

    Proper diagnosis and correct dosage of medication

    Work- seek part time work if possible due to your unrealiability to work full time and the rest required.

    Cheers.  Tony WK

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Nike
    Nike  avatar
    1 posts
    23 February 2015 in reply to Kar
    I have tried to avoid the bullies in the work place , I moved desks 3 times and they still would walk past and make loud comments that were meant to humiliate and Demean me, also making sure others were too concerned about there own exposure to come near me , I attempted suicide in November and they somehow found out and made some very personal comments about the incident I January, I reported to management they denied they had said anything I retaliated in writing I was put off work and less than a week later had stress heart failure and am still recovering . bullying can kill 
    1 person found this helpful
  7. white knight
    Community Champion
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    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9754 posts
    23 February 2015 in reply to Nike

    Hi Nike,

    Sorry to hear of your plight. Time for you to look after your own health and welfare.

    I'm a 125 kgm muscle bound guy. Worked in the prisons and security etc. But emotionally I'm fragile. Commonly called a sook in the past. I'm 59yo and twice in my 50's was bullied. And both times nothing was done and the victim suffers. This is modern Australia- the victim suffers.

    My advice to you Nike is to not return to that workplace. And have faith if and when you are well enough to work, to find another suitable workplace because they are not all the same. Even if you suffer financially it isnt worth the pain for you and your family. Sometimes brave people have to walk away not because they lost their bravery but because the system isnt perfect. The bullying rules dont apply or in your case dont exist or your accounts are doubted etc.

    When I went through my issues with workplace corruption in a local council in the 1980's I had to learn that you can have all the laws in place but it doesnt mean they are acted upon because it takes a brave manager to do that and risk upsetting the whole workforce. Not all people are that brave.

    Hold your head up high Nike. You tried everything and you are a victim. Take time to recover and move forward when you can. Move forward by leaving those immature people behind.

    Tony WK

    1 person found this helpful

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