i just don’t know where to start
I’m 28, a mum of two (one 4yo one 2yo) and have a partner whom I wish to spend the rest of my life with
but I’m so sure that it’s not going to very fairytale like
for three years now I have been trying to get a job, I apply to a minimum of 25jobs a week my confidence is shot
my glasses are broken (missing an arm) and I can’t afford to fix them (no not even off the cheap shelves in spec savers) hubby to be and I sleep on a mattress on the floor have my sisters old broken couch my Nan’s 30od year old fridge and freezer my washing machine is on its last legs, my debt left from before I hadn’t a job are about 7000 not including the 16,000 I need to pay my partners parents back for paying off my car to stop it being collected for debt and I cant pay them, our diet is bad we have spaghetti, chicken tonight or curried sausages with rice or pasta for dinner never anything else unless someone’s treating us
cereal for the kids for breakfast sandwiches for lunch and some fruit for kids that’s all we can afford
i left my job of 7years because of how miserable it made me and I thought getting a new job was the best idea little did I know the new job would let me go just before my probation was up
I’m miserable I used to be organised, outgoing, fit
now I just binge watch shows, shower every few days, I never want people to come over because I can’t keep on top of the house (I get my brother in-law to be to do the dishes & washing every day as he lives with us rent free because he’s 21 and also struggling to find employment)
Not that anyone would come over except family or my one friend
i bearly want to get out of bed and do stuff with my kids I used to be so on top of taking them out and teaching new things nowadays their dad and uncle are parenting them they’re always so messy always arguing and NEVER listen discipline doesn’t work!!
and it just breaks me down everyday to the point I scream or cry.
I’m also angry all the time like he smallest of things sends me into a rage I have to lock myself in my room and I don’t talk to anyone until I calm down which some days I don’t.
I don’t know how to talk to the mums at school without feeling like they want me to shut up and go away or feeling like I’m trying to hard to fit in or something
I can’t lose weight because the fruit and veggies alone will blow our budget let alone being to lazy and scared to exercise
how do I find myself again and get rid of this messy monster I’ve become!?