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Forums / Staying well / Do You Like Yourself? Your Thoughts are Welcome!

Topic: Do You Like Yourself? Your Thoughts are Welcome!

  1. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
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    9 December 2021 in reply to Doolhof

    I am really liking myself right now.

    I managed to drive myself to the beach. I packed a picnic lunch. I enjoyed a walk on the beach had my lunch, wandered around the region and looked at some pretty gardens.

    There are some days this is just not possible due to my mental health. That is okay. On those days I need to accept what I can manage and be thankful for all I achieve.

    Yesterday I listened to a You Tube chat about depression. It talked about "Rediscovering self esteem, hope for the future and perception regarding the meaning of life."

    It didn't go into detail explaining how to achieve any of this. Just pondering these thoughts has been helpful.

    Cheers all from Dools

    5 people found this helpful
  2. blondguy
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    10 December 2021 in reply to Doolhof

    Hi Dools

    Thankyou for your good vibrations

    You have always been a survivor and always speak from the heart....I understand where you are coming from when we have days when its not possible having a tired mind..I get it

    my kindest always

    Paul

    4 people found this helpful
  3. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
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    10 December 2021 in reply to blondguy

    Hi Paul,

    Thanks for your kind words.

    Life has been quite a ride this last year or so. I'm in a position at present where I am more accepting of my depression and PTSD issues.

    While my mind is in a slightly calmer state I am trying to put actions into practise, considering all those things I have read about, the psychologist has suggested and people here have recommended or commented on to help along the journey of mental health.

    Yesterday I was going to contact my sister and cancel our afternoon together. Thankfully I didn't. I pushed through my thoughts and feelings.

    We walked in a pine forest, I gather a bag of pine cones to put near the Christmas tree in a basket. Her daughter came to their home later so we had a lovely catch up.

    I drove home thankful I had the strength and will power to get out of the house. I know there will be days where this is not possible or where it will feel really impossible. I can remind myself there are times it can be done!

    Due to my efforts this week I feel better about going to work today.

    May you all have moments where you are really pleased with yourself, even if it is because you got up out of bed!

    4 people found this helpful
  4. randomx
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    3242 posts
    10 December 2021 in reply to Doolhof

    Thanks for explaining that dool.

    lt's helped me get my head around the way my daughter might be feeling and struggling of late and given me a better understanding. Proud of you for pushing yourself out the door to your sisters, well done good for you.

    Do you think us nudging and encouraging my d can help , or make it worse or feel like pressure ? She hardly leaves the house or her room lately , this has been going on 4mths now. She does go to a friends every wk or two , but then it's back to her room. She's had trouble with shops too and just going out in general.

    rx

    3 people found this helpful
  5. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
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    10 December 2021 in reply to randomx

    Hi rx,

    For everyone it is different. Sometimes all I need is for someone else to make the decisions for me. I have days when my mind can just not seem to activate appropriately me get outside the door! It is like a massive imaginative barrier is there and I don't know how to push through it.

    Some days my husband says to me "We are going out" and I just follow. Once I am in the car and down the road I am okay. By myself I might not have been able to get out the house. Some days I drive down the road, turn around and come home again.

    So days I manage really well. Some days I feel like yelling and screaming and busting down the doors on my way out.

    With your D maybe try something small. What does she like to do? I understand Covid restrictions can be a bother as well.

    Is it possible to go for a drive somewhere different? Take a picnic. Go for a walk. Visit a dog park even if you don't have a dog, watching them can be entertaining.

    Maybe go to the shops for only a few things and reward her with a special treat, her favourite food or drink?

    Do you have a garden? Can you have a meal out there?

    I don't know if any of this might help. Some days it is tough to get out. Encouragement might work, be prepared to back down as well, fighting against a mind that wants you to stay put when others hope you can move is daunting. It can be frightening. Getting unstuck and motivated takes effort.

    All the best to both of you! Cheers from Dools

    4 people found this helpful
  6. randomx
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    11 December 2021 in reply to Doolhof

    Thanks very much dools

    Yeah we do try all of that and as long as l'm taking her , driving and doing it she'll tag along usually , if it interests her at all. lt's getting her out of her own accord or even up around the house and helping out a bit where the road blocks are. Been getting a bit pissed too lately and losing patience which we know is probably the worst thing and pressure. Sometimes though you've got so much to do but yet a perfectly fit and very clever 20yrd's in bed in her room all day , so wrong. Sometimes you ask yourself is this just laziness , or real . Bit of ea l think personally , but l might be wrong. When she's good she's very active and full of energy.

    l dunno. rx

    3 people found this helpful
  7. white knight
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    11 December 2021 in reply to randomx

    Hi Dools,

    I've mentioned many times over 9 years about a man called Prem Rawat or Maharaji. His youtube videos have helped me since 1988. I suggest you play the following while you walk on the beach. They will uplift you.

    I would say Maharaji has been the main reason for my confidence development

    https://youtu.be/BhrtbBrMQ1Y

    https://youtu.be/MpfuMFsBgNk

    He has dozens more on youtube

    TonyWK

    3 people found this helpful
  8. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
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    11 December 2021 in reply to white knight

    Hi TonyWK,

    Thanks for these. I will have a listen.

    Cheers from Dools

    2 people found this helpful
  9. Ggrand
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    12 December 2021 in reply to Doolhof

    Hello Everyone....

    Dools, On Tony’s suggestion a few years ago I listen to Maharaji at times....He is a great inspirational man...

    If we dislike ourselves it only closes our mind to depression and our dislike and depressive thoughts begin to grow out of control then turns to darkness.....but if we can find that we can like ourselves, even a little, it opens our minds to so much more...and that darkness is swamped out by a beautiful bright light...with self care, kindness, compassion not only to ourselves but to everyone that crosses our path...

    Caring hugs...with kind thoughts..

    Grandy..

    3 people found this helpful
  10. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    12 December 2021 in reply to Ggrand

    Grand

    Your words really spoke to me.

    ...but if we can find that we can like ourselves, even a little, it opens our minds to so much more...and that darkness is swamped out by a beautiful bright light...with self care, kindness, compassion not only to ourselves but to everyone that crosses our path...

    Dools I really found your words so helpful and realistic.

    Some days it is tough to get out. Encouragement might work, be prepared to back down as well, fighting against a mind that wants you to stay put when others hope you can move is daunting. It can be frightening. Getting unstuck and motivated takes effort.

    Paul, thanks for the way you keep on top of this thread and highlight comments and make helpful summaries as well as mike everyone who posts and reads feel importnat.

    Your compassion is much appreciated. Keeping a thread on topic and still going for such a long time takes much dedication.

    2 people found this helpful
  11. white knight
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    white knight avatar
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    17 December 2021 in reply to quirkywords

    What could be the main factors in preventing us liking ourselves?

    • Sufficient sleep? Dont laugh, lack of sleep has major implications on the mentally ill in at least several ways.
    • Low self esteem. That can originate from several origins. Maltreatment of you as a child. Bullying. Lack of encouragement etc
    • Foot in mouth disease. Illnesses such as ADHD can create a condition whereby talking before thinking occurs. The result is embarrassing. Eventually this can mean no talking much at all.
    • Failing at things like education while observing friends pass.
    • Not associating with a profession.
    • No hobbies/sports/special interests
    • Failed relationships.
    • Disliking appearance/placing too much emphasis on looks
    • Overweight/eating disorders/inherited large body size
    • Physical disability
    • lack of humour
    • Lack of motivation and positivity
    • and so on.

    With any of the above, yes I know its a cliché, you can overcome those restrictions enough to at least like yourself enough to enjoy life. It is achievable but I understand if it is daunting.

    The following thread has a message built into it. It is a factual story of an event I experienced around 1983.

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/30-minutes-can-change-your-life

    I've had feedback over the years that the above story contains lots of luck. Well, I dont believe in luck. You make your own luck in life by creating situations that allows luck to come along easier. Without effort it wont budge.

    TonyWK

    2 people found this helpful
  12. Blue's Clues
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    19 December 2021 in reply to white knight

    Hi all,

    It's a while since I've checked in on here, so I'll backtrack to where I was last, re counselling: Mrs Dools, you said "My sense of needing to feel connected to the psychologist relates to feeling safe in her care, believing she is able to help me, that she understands what I need and can help me make adjustments." That's absolutely the sort of thing I was talking about, and I think you made it more relatable to others than I did, so cheers for adding your clarification.

    Tony, I'm glad you brought up ADHD in relation to self esteem. There's a whole lot of stuff there that goes above and beyond "foot in mouth". I'm a bit of a loudmouth, and sometimes that can be problematic. Eventually not talking much at all isn't really a thing with ADHD, at least not in my experience, there just isn't an off switch. It can definitely lead to negative reflection on social interactions for me, and part of that is the racing mind, negative hyperfocus and constant intrusive thoughts that can also come with ADHD. That's a fun little mine field that I navigate every day.

    The greater part of my self esteem battle with ADHD is executive functioning. It undermines the most basic of tasks. The less interesting the task, the harder it is to get done - my mind literally won't hold onto information that isn't engaging. Running a household is a nightmare - I just now remembered washing in the machine that finished up about an hour ago, and that had slipped my mind entirely. I'll forget again several times before I see the machine is closed (which it isn't usually) and question that, finally leading to action. And that's just one example. I can be boiling eggs; in the few seconds it takes to pick up my phone to put on a timer I will have forgotten that was what I intended to do, next thing my eggs are boiling over. This stuff happens dozens of times a day, so I've spent a lifetime with people going "It's not that hard" about various household tasks, and there I am bewildered and feeling painfully inadequate. Doubly so before I knew I had ADHD (only found out this year), and there was no quantifiable reason for it. To put it in more perspective, if I'm interested in what I'm doing, I can be hugely effective and even very efficient. So I never understood why I could be a powerhouse one day and useless the next. I've definitely had periods of considerable confusion and kinda hating myself for that.

    Blue.

    PS I agree about luck, Tony.

    2 people found this helpful
  13. Blue's Clues
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    19 December 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues
    Also, thanks Paul, for acknowledging my perspective/experience when I posted last.
    1 person found this helpful
  14. white knight
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    19 December 2021 in reply to Blue's Clues

    Hi Blue

    No wonder we find it hard to like ourselves, so many challenges.

    I was originally diagnosed with adult ADHD in 2003 and for 6 years had tried 10 different medications without success. No wonder, a second diagnosis revealed bipolar2, dysthymia depression, not ADHD however illnesses can cross over so I believe a trace of ADHD is present.

    Your lack of focus is clear. Mishaps like over boiling eggs (I can imagine the length of the list) can ruin self esteem. I've resorted to doing one task at a time and using my mobile phone alarm regularly. I had it on alarm 12 hours, one hour and then 10 minutes out from an appointment but in that last 10 minutes I forgot about it and it was an end of year virtual gathering, embarrassing.

    Other people don't understand.

    A bad short term memory snuffs our confidence out.

    TonyWK

    2 people found this helpful
  15. Blue's Clues
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    2294 posts
    19 December 2021 in reply to white knight

    Hey Tony,

    Thanks for sharing some of your story, and for understanding. I also have depression to play with and possible C-PTSD, so that complicates things. I can only imagine how bipolar makes things harder for you, too. Yes, there are a lot of mental illnesses that co-occur, so we often get hit with a lot at once.

    I wondered for years on and off if I had some sort of early onset dementia, my working/short term memory have been so, so poor. Thing is, no-one takes that sort of thing seriously. If you mention instances of forgetfulness, it's always a big laugh or "Oh, that happens to me, too". I mean, sure it does, but half a dozen times before breakfast? Every day? Finding out what was going on and getting a diagnosis were something of a headache.

    I try doing one task at a time, but that may or may not work. There's an endless loop of spotting other jobs around the house that need doing and thinking "Right, better do that before I forget" - and as far as that sort of thing goes, my impulse control is rubbish, so off I go on the new task. Completely relate to your story about missing that gathering. Recently for me it was trying to remember to go and say goodbye to one of our managers at the end of my shift, because he was being transferred to another store. I had my reminders, and it was in the back of my mind for the whole shift - though so was a list of groceries to buy after work - so in the end I remembered the groceries, forgot to farewell said manager. D'oh!

    I do find where my self esteem suffers is less in the annoying little incidents than the overarching malaise. I average about 20 hours a week work, and manage a household with my partner, who helps. Staying on track and functional at work and then at home, I do actually get things done, but the sheer amount of effort, willpower and energy it takes leaves me exhausted as if I did full time work and had no help at home. So of course others work full time, have partners and kids, do social things, and they seem fine. To me even half of that is overwhelming and anything fun after the bare necessities often ends up being more than I can manage. The self care goes downhill from sheer lack of energy, and my sense of self worth with it. I feel bad about myself because I cope so poorly with basic life stuff. Can't get away with living on canned spag and not cleaning like I did in my 20s, got two little birds and an immune compromised man to worry about. Aaargh!

    Blue.

    4 people found this helpful
  16. Onmyown
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    3 January 2022

    I don’t just dislike myself… I hate myself and I hate that I hate myself🥺 I can’t get my crap together for any everyday tasks. I have cptsd, ptsd, chronic pain, severe depression, and anxiety. I have amazing children that have disabilities and I fail them daily. I don’t have family support and I have been cut off from work and friendships for the past 6 years. If I could leave myself I would so in a heartbeat.

    1 person found this helpful
  17. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    4 January 2022 in reply to Onmyown

    On y own ,

    welcome to the forum.

    You have so many mental health issues as well as being a mum to children with disabilities.
    I think your children would love such a devoted mother .

    Maybe you have little time and energy for your self.
    Is there any who can give you support and listen to you.

    I see you as someone who puts others first and who has very high expectation of yourself.

    You could start a thread on your own as people may see that thread more than this long thread.

    2 people found this helpful
  18. Onmyown
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    5 January 2022 in reply to quirkywords

    Thankyou Quirkywords for your kind welcome & just for reading. I appreciate that.

    I have tried talking to a cazillion psychiatrists , psychologists & counsellors over the years , usually I’d feel worse afterwards as I’d feel guilty about whinging. I do know it’s not whinging, but to me that’s what it feels like. I’m not comfortable laying it all out for people to know.. even professionals. I guess that’s why I’ve joined this forum; being anonymous and knowing that others out there actually, for real, understand.

    2 people found this helpful
  19. quirkywords
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    9 January 2022 in reply to Onmyown

    Onmyown,

    I can relate to feeling like one is complaining when talking to a counsellor .
    I think that we all know everyone has different problems and often talking is a first step in gaining understanding into our issues.

    How would feel about writing down your thoughts in a journal. I found that helped me.

    1 person found this helpful
  20. quirkywords
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    19 January 2022 in reply to quirkywords

    As I have said before this is my go to thread when I need reflect and learn. Thanks Paul
    i had a bad day yesterday relationship wise and feel fragile. I like myself but I don’t like how I react when I feel I am being controlled, if that makes any sense.

    Just need to reflect .

    Best wishes to all reading.

    2 people found this helpful
  21. white knight
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    27 January 2022 in reply to Onmyown

    Hi onmyown

    Sometimes tokenism works if you convince yourself. Certainly feeling a failure will mean you "dont like yourself"

    When your kids enter bad at night, if you commit yourself to reading to them a short book, cuddle them, tell them how wonderful they are and so on, then you are indeed a good parent.

    You might not live up to expectations during the day but if you do the above then you have reason to be content with your parenthood.

    TonyWK

  22. white knight
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    27 January 2022 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky

    What makes you feel you are wrong to feel controlled?

    What I've identified with "controllers" is the following-

    • Being sensitive I'm more likely to react badly to being controlled
    • That my interpretation of being controlled is often merely firmness of someone expressing opinion that grates on me
    • That if someone is controlling me (and therefore everyone would feel controlled) then that is unacceptable
    • That being how we are (MI, emotional fragility etc) means in some ways others need to work around that for harmony, eg more tact needed and softly spoken and regular meetings over a cuppa to move forward easier
    • That if you have low self esteem, others need to realise that your heart can shatter in an instant.
    • That there should be no guilt on our part for others to make effort for the above especially if we give appreciative gestures. As partners we would do the same for them and indeed do so perhaps in different ways.
    • Apart from knee jerk "natural" reactions to pressure or control (which is understandable and acceptable) we can look into bettering our responses so we can bridge the gap between us and our relationships. Often, because of MI we have to carry out post conflict actions, apologies, chats etc. Sad but that's the way it is. Same as controllers need to reflect on what works with us as individuals and adjust accordingly. You are a good person Quirky, everyone knows that including your family members regardless if they fall into bossy mode occasionally.
    • TonyWK

  23. missep123
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    27 January 2022 in reply to white knight

    Hi everyone,

    Recently I started incorporating meditation into my daily routine. An interesting mantra that was in one of them was 'I am not my body, I am not even my mind'. This helps to ground me when I'm feeling like I'm finding myself spiraling or having negative self talk.

    2 people found this helpful
  24. missep123
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    31 January 2022 in reply to missep123
    The other day I found myself ruminating about something and I stopped and told myself 'that is not you!'. That helped!
    3 people found this helpful
  25. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    5 February 2022

    I actually usually come in here when I don’t feel good about me. But, I was thinking about my uni graduation coming up in a few weeks, and I thought about how huge it is that I’m graduating despite the many challenges I’ve faced to get here.

    In the beginning I doubted I was smart enough to even go to uni, and yet I’ll be graduating with honours. I lost people along the way - my grandma, my unborn bubba, my partner… but I kept going. My mental health was incredibly poor at times, but I kept going.

    So, here I am acknowledging all of that, and my amazingness (pardon the deserved brag), because i think it’s important. Yeah - I like me :)

    5 people found this helpful
  26. smallwolf
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    5 February 2022 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hello everyone.

    I was talking with my psychologist this week. One of the things I mentioned was that I rate myself between a 4.5 and 5.5 out of 10. Rather than being in this small channel I would like the 5.5 to be say a 7.

    Secondly I was listening to a podcast on mental health and I think they mentioned sanding down the joy receptors or something like that and getting used to criticism.

    Back to the psychologist... My psychiatrist said that I was a kind and considerate person etc. I described many of my acts as inventory management, saving myself from being yelled at later on etc. It is me thinking the worst.

    By not allowing myself to feel joy, or seeing myself doing kind acts I also myself of liking myself.

    Rather than being hard on myself, maybe by learning that I am how my psychiatrist and psychologist described me then I might be able to like myself. And reach that 7.

    I am sure many of the people here are kind, supportive, caring etc. If we could see ourselves how some others see us...

    This is the bridge I am trying to fix. To be able to be more kind to myself.

    2 people found this helpful
  27. randomx
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    3242 posts
    5 February 2022

    Atm , when l look at where l am now, after all this life, l feel like a total lost cause. l've been handed incredible things in life, by life itself l mean, not by the silver spoon, incredible opportunities have come my way, incredible people, yet here l sit , totally alone, l didn't look after any of it, treasure it , l didn't care for the garden. Yet l tried with good heart, but l have faults too that at my age l should've had fixed long long ago but still making the same mistakes and it's left me here.

    l'm disgusted with where l'm at, and l don't know how to fix those faults. Bc at the end of the day we have to do the work, someone else can tell us how, but it's still all up to us in the end, they can tell us or we can learn it, but we have to do it.

    Hands in air.

    rx

    1 person found this helpful
  28. white knight
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    5 February 2022 in reply to missep123

    Hi Missep

    Self declared boundaries help define our character. There's nothing wrong with that.

    My name is Tony however I do identify a character called Anthony. Anthony lives beyond my character boundary.

    I tend to create these metaphors to make these situations sound more logical to myself. You said "that's not me". Well I do the same and have named the buggar.

    This mental step defines our character and therefore helps us like the real self because the waters aren't muddied by the parts of us that is there but is unwanted.

    TonyWK

    1 person found this helpful
  29. quirkywords
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    6 February 2022 in reply to white knight

    Tony

    I need to think about what you wrote.
    Maybe one quirky is enough but I have different sides to my personality.

  30. Ggrand
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    10 March 2022 in reply to quirkywords

    Hello Everyone...🤗..

    This past week I haven’t really liked myself..not all of me, just that part that keeps running away from confrontation, that part of me that just sits/stands very quietly and listens to another person letting all her pent up frustration and anger out on me...for no other reason, then I am there..

    I have learnt a long time again, to just shut up, listen and bite my tongue....I fear so much other people’s retaliation...

    Then after a few moments, hours or the next day...I start to really to dislike myself because of my lack of courage to defend myself.....Trying to accept this part of me has been a hard and constant struggle....This flaw* is so much stronger then the parts of me I like...It starts to control my thoughts, throws the other parts away, until all I can see is this timid, scared person..that I so much dislike...

    I wish I didn’t have that part of me in me...

    1 person found this helpful

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