Thanks for the welcome.
This has so far felt like a safe place to share, so I thought I could share my want to cut out the comfort food, if that’s okay.
I have a history of self-harming. And at 23, I managed to stop. I’m not entirely sure how I did it, but in hindsight it feels like I did it more for other people than for myself; because they were pressuring me to stop. I stopped for 2 years. During that time though, I think I started getting into this whole ‘comfort food’ thing. But with comfort food, I could counter-balance with exercise, should I choose to. And I tried but I always ended up with it again and again. Last August, things got pretty upsetting in my life that I started self-harming again. At that point, I remember, I asked myself, “What should I care about everyone else not wanting me to do this if I wanted to do it?” I convinced myself I didn’t care, and so I did it. For a while I actually didn’t care. It was guilt free, shame free; but afterward I started fighting those feelings. Now, it feels like a sobriety issue, it feels like an addiction, one that I’ll be fighting for the rest of my life possibly, and I’m not going to say that right now I’m on top of it. I haven’t done anything since November but I’m not actively trying not to.
On top of that, I have this food problem. Every time I get an urge for
self- harm, I get an urge for food, and eating chocolate or junk all the time disgusts me, I start hating myself. I exercise from time to time but I have injuries and random other things getting in the way. I want to control it. I want to prove to myself that I can do this smaller thing, so that maybe I can get confidence to control that bigger thing. This time, I’m not listening to anyone else’s disapproval, I’m doing it for myself, and I hope that can make the difference. And along the way, reduce the amount of self-loathing that comes with indulging in food to cover up indulging in the self- harm. I understand that controlling self- harm is a lot more involved than will power because the urges and actually fighting them are more maddening than the actual act, and I’m working on that aspect too.
Basically, I’m trying to work on being a better version of me, and that will take a lot of work because I don’t have the best opinion of myself, but I thought I could start with baby steps.
And yes Neil, I know I can start on any day but I thought I’d get a bit of a running start.
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