Being positive and having dreams versus being realistic. They can go together when used properly. Having dreams allows you to think what you would really luke to do while being realistic helps identify how to get there. You then decide if you are willing to put in the effort. A nephew wirh ASD really struggled in school as he couldn't speak properly as well as social problems. His parents were encouragung and supporti e taking him to therapists etc to help. He dreamed of being successful and going to university. Being realiatic meant he knew he had to woek 10 times as hard to achieve that goal. He studied history at uni...his passion and now teaches high school. Rhe combination of drean positi ity and realistic thought allowed him to succeed. This is positivity used well. Vastly diffierent to false positivity where you are meant to put on a smile and pretend everything if fine when you are really struggling. Far from helping you reach your dreams this keeps you stuck because you are too busy pretending to be fine to fit others expectations to get the helo or support you need to move forward.

Elizabeth

Thanks Elizabeth.

You have expressed so well what I wanted to say. Hope, dreams and realism are needed. When people say , you can do anything if you try , that is unrealistic. You need talent, skill and determination.
That is a wonderful story about your nephew.

I used to think about all the dreams I had of being an academic etc instead of being realistic and looking at what I had achieved .

There is a time and place fir positivity but nit for false positivity as we all need to grieve our pain and losses.m

Hi all,

Thank u well said,

I think of a neighbour I used to meet walking her dog.

I was a teenager but she spoke to me always about her unrealised dreams, and her unexplored gift for languages.

It was hard for me as a young person to hear.

But realistically, without a lot of support, it is very hard to achieve some dreams.

It takes a village some times, immense support, to achieve certain things.

And getting that support is a challenge too.

I dropped out of uni when I couldn't cope...I try be positive I can find a path for myself but sometimes I feel very sad about it.

Hi everyone,

Quirky, somehow whenever I find a thread that communicates the chaos in my head it seems to be a conversation you have started 😂. Thank goodness for you.

I find myself changing over time. I used to try to feel positive and now I find myself feeling either negative or resigned to reality.

There isn't a day I don't catch myself shrugging at something and saying 'it is what it is' (about my own situations) or 'you're allowed to feel the way you feel' to others.

I don't like this change in myself much. I don't think people around me like it either.

Tony mentioned that when someone asks how you are it doesn't mean they want an answer. I agree. I always answer 'how are you?' with 'getting there' which often gets me funny looks. It's my way of saying I feel crap without making them feel totally uncomfortable while also not being fake. If people care they'll ask more, most don't.

I miss feeling positive for the future. Feeling mostly negative or neutral doesn't really give me a lot of hope for the future.

Thank you for this space to talk ❤️.

Dear Nst

Negative, resigned to reality, it is what it is.

I hear you.

Thank you ❤

Nat

great to see your reply. You express yourself so well and I feel myself nodding with your words.
I either feel negative or resigned to reality too.

truthfully I feel I am realist not a pessimist.

Not feeling positive for the future is, I believe, 50% based on historic experiences and 50% on lack of confidence.

A person that has achieved a lot in their life will feel more confident. To achieve a lot usually requires many natural talents that separate them from those that seem to lead a boring monotonous life.

I've built two homes myself so on some internet sites of owner builders I'm appreciated for my talents. As an investigator I rose in preference for companies to supply work to. Both of these abilities I believe took a combination of natural ability plus hard work over long periods.

Nat, you have children, I'm certain when the time comes that you become a grandmother, you'll feel confident to guide the parents on those little snippets of knowledge from being a parent.

Being a mother far outweighs the importance of knowledge compared to building a house.

So we all can reflect upon our achievements to draw our confidence. It's simply called "patting yourself on the back".

But to wait for a partner to do that for you is sometimes unrealistic. We can do it ourselves. You wonderful ladies have it in you, it's hidden but it's there. You are women that have individually achieved a lot. Praise yourselves.

Highlighted in the thread- the best praise you'll ever get

TonyWK

Thanks Quirky, CMF and Tony,

'Realist' is a good way to describe it Quirky. I've just got to find a way to keep the negatively a bit balanced I suppose.

Being constantly negative seems to bring others down and I don't want that. I worry that it makes people want to stay away from me, do you find that too?

Any ideas how to balance realism with positivity without being fake?

Thanks too Tony, I've read your thread before and found it very helpful.

❤️Nat

Thanks Tony and Nat,

I suppose the reason I started this thread was when people expected me to be positive and grateful straight after my losses in the fire.
Inthink when suffer tragedy whatever it is you need to grieve and acknowledge your pain before you can start to reflect on what is positive .

Nat I think there is a time and place for being positive and encouraging it in others.

Realism or having realistic hope is helpful, for I feel we all need hope.

Iam interested in how others answer Nat’s question.?

I'll say flat out I feel like I'm fake, I fake being OK when I, not because I'm scared of how endless and awful my pain is.

I saw awful things growing up and I learnt to shut down and shut away negative feelings.

I admire ppl who can complain and be angry and sad. I think trusting emotions and not fearing them is important.

I'm not sure how to do it, though.

Sleepy thanks for your reply.
It is interesting to read about others experience.
i get embarassed my emotions come so freely so I noted your comment about admiring people who can express their emotions.

Hi Nat

Just my opinion dear friend.

Negativity usually originates from our programming, often from the environment and people's outlook when we were kids. This becomes an automatic view on every topic we receive. We end up pessimistic and the contrast to optimistic people is vast.

I had this prior to 26yo when my life changed in 30 minutes. (Thread: 30 minutes can change your life), it was a light bulb moment. It's likely I was deeply unhappy and needed change.

The fact that a person also has a mental illness compounds the problem because it's also tough to be positive with our damaged mind.

One major transformation can be made by us to help us be more positive without waiting for a life changing event and that's -

"self praise coupled with defence".

Defending ourselves from tyrants or even those just regularly critical of us (undeservedly so) or removing them from our lives is self preserving- (thread: fortress of survival parts 1-3). Self praise is underestimated in its long term confidence building (thread: the best praise you'll ever get).

Ongoing actions like attending motivation lectures, youtube videos (thread: meditation, he helped me for 25 years- maharaji) that connect spiritually or in the least provides relaxation, are all good ways to build yourself up.

To be honest, most people never embark upon the above journey, it's simply too much commitment. I did so in 1982 but fell into a low point prior my suicide attempt 1996. After that event which one week later I left my narc wife, I was so bouyed by my survival I rebounded, built up my confidence, even built a house and dedicated my life to my children as a part time dad. That woman was not going to beat me.

So I understand the challenge can be harder without major events to stimulate one's drive to transit from neg to pos.

Do any of you acknowledge your courage in being a forum member? Or asking the hard questions? Or listening to others? Well you should. I see positives in everything and just being here is one that I see as evidence of your grand ability to be a better person.

The focus on the dying leaf can blur your vision of the Bee collecting nectar.

TonyWK