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Forums / Staying well / Managing Borderline Personality Disorder

Topic: Managing Borderline Personality Disorder

  1. hope4joy
    hope4joy avatar
    525 posts
    17 March 2016 in reply to xmin

    Hi xmin,

    its nice to pop in here and see your reply :) It sounds like it was a pretty rough time though, sorry to hear that. I totally get what you mean about spiralling cause someone doesn't reply or if there's something out of whack with a friendship or something. I wonder if given the circumstances, that your close friend got together with your ex, if they are people who respect you and treat you kindly and everything you deserve in a friend? I trust you know the right thing to do - I just hope you're being treated well. If you feel like you need more support on here please remember you can create other threads too, as well as write in this one.

    Since moving house I've been chatting to my new housemate sometimes at night and i am continually surprised at how kind and respectful and friendly he is... I guess things had deteriorated in my old home without me realising how bad it had gotten and how poorly I was being treated. I still miss my old home and feel sad about the ending, but i think in the long term it was a good outcome.

    Hey that's great you made it to the pool! I love the botanical gardens in Sydney, it sounds it was a nice walk. But quite a long day in total i'm guessing. Good on you for trying it out. I'm looking forward to getting back into swimming and yoga - I've had to be out for a few weeks while my stitches heal.

    And that situation at work sounds plain horrible. Its great you have your colleague's support. I'm finding that even though i find it terrifying being assertive and saying something when things aren't right, it is very empowering too, like self care and respecting myself. Good luck with it, do you think you'll be able to bring it up?

    I'm a little emotional now. I just realised (through many tears) that i'd become attached to an academic at uni who was so supportive since before i started and right through first year, and not having him this year, well i miss him terribly. He's been one of the most encouraging, kind, friendly people i've had in my life for a while. And i have a habit of getting attached to teachers/ bosses etc. So its at times like these i hate the bpd sensitivity and instability in relationships. I feel so much like quitting uni but at the same time know in my heart and head that it would be crazy. I only just realised how much this has affected me so i'll bring it up with my psych next week.

    It's good that you have some support. Do you do a particular type of therapy?

    ...

     

  2. hope4joy
    hope4joy avatar
    525 posts
    17 March 2016 in reply to xmin

    ...

    Yeah, I hope to see the guy from the date soon! This weekend is chaotic so i've asked to meet him on the easter weekend - already the next weekend. We're thinking to do a nice bush walk somewhere. Great to hear you did rock climbing. Have you climbed much before?

    I'm a bit tired to be honest, its been full on these last couple of weeks and I've been working probably too hard at uni, sometimes i can get compulsive to keep making art. I've got a roast in the oven which is a treat. I've got some uni homework but can do it tomorrow morning too as my class starts late.

    Its always nice chatting to you xmin,

    Kindness, Christina :)

     

  3. xmin
    xmin avatar
    36 posts
    17 March 2016 in reply to hope4joy

    Hi Christina, 

    I know, I'm finding it a nice regular comfort to pop in and see your words =). I wonder if there are any lurkers around, or if it really is that quiet on this thread. Yeah, I tend to get quite caught up when it comes to communication. I'd love to just brush it off and continue merrily on my way but it really gets me down. I would say so, yes. But I do need to move on with my life, and try to build my own thing. It's hard, to go from something that was so satisfying to not having it around. Thanks, I am very happy nesting in this thread =). It's great to have the support. 

    Ahh lovely to hear about your new roommate. It is sad to realise how bad something is, but the good thing is it's done with the arrival of something better. 

    Definitely a long day. I didn't have dinner until 9.30. Both really great sports for your body and mind, that's great. Oh ouchie, I didn't know you had stitches in. Hope that heals up nicely for you. 

    I think I'll be able to bring it up. If i think about it too much, I'm afraid that I'll get in trouble for not working fast enough, but I'll just be honest about my capabilities. I think my anger at the situation is fading away since time has elapsed, but I know it's a pattern of behaviour and as soon as I get over this one, it's going to happen again and I want to prevent further damage to my mental health. 

    Ahh, that's a bittersweet thing to hear. It is very understandable to become attached to someone who is supportive and encouraging, and totally understandable. Any chance you could contact him to say how much you appreciated his support in the past? I'm sure he'd appreciate it, but only if it's something you would feel comfortable doing. 

    I don't think I do a specific form of therapy. I have been feeling recently that my sessions are quite unstructured, and I'm not sure whether I'd like to address it and ask for more targeted sessions. I quite enjoy having a free flow discussion of what's been happening and how I've been doing, but I would like to actively work on myself. 

    Ahh, great plan, sounds like a lovely way to spend time together. I have been climbing on and off for several years. I really do enjoy it, and it also keeps me social. 

    Don't forget to breathe and take some time for yourself. Obviously you're a busy gal but don't burn out! What kind of art do you make? Mmm! I do envy your roast!

    Happy thoughts and kind wishes, xmin =)

  4. hope4joy
    hope4joy avatar
    525 posts
    19 March 2016 in reply to xmin

    Hi xmin,

    i'm really grateful to drop by just now and find your words! Am feeling a little flat - just tired I think - and nice to be able to connect. Yes xmin I wonder too - if there are others with bpd reading this - do drop in and say hi! Share anything that is on your mind - the more the merrier :) Your expression of 'nesting' xmin, is delightful!

    Yes I can relate to having something that is so fulfilling and then suddenly whammo, its gone. It felt like that last year when the uni semester finished as I still seem to throw all my energy into just one or two things, so when they're passed or not happening I can feel very lost. I actually went to a bpd support group meeting today - i can't believe that i've been going for some 2.5 years or something! That's amazing for me, for group participation. I had one upset with someone but we mended it, and its good to connect with these people every month. Today's topic was that feeling of loneliness that is a bpd criteria - I find it the most confusing. I think you might have raised it on here before xmin? I can relate to feeling lonely, or isolated or depressed - and also the feeling of craving for something more - but the emptiness thing I find it hard to relate to or understand. I'm pretty sure I have it but somehow that word confuses me. If its not too triggering, what does it mean for you xmin?

    And how nice to hear you're a climber. Is it indoor climbing?

    Wow 9:30 dineer is a mammoth day! Have you ever considered moving closer to the city to reduce your commute? (not suggesting you do! just wondering what keeps you in your current area?)

    And thank you my stitches are out and its healing well, but I'm still taking it easy so it heals well.

    I relate to what you say xmin that once your anger fades you can let things be and not raise them but if it happens again it will flare up again - and in my case, often get a little stronger. I really hope you can stand up for yourself. It sounds like a horrible situation at work and you don't deserve to be treated that way.

    I hear you about whether to have structured therapy or free flowing - i now have a psychologist to do schema (very directed) abnd a psychiatrist to do the go with the flow thing, so am very fortunate. I look forward to hitting my medicare safety net soon so it becomes more affordable, although I only pay a small amount out of pocket.

    Yeah its a good idea to tell that tutor how much he helped me - i've meant to do it twice but chickened out!

  5. hope4joy
    hope4joy avatar
    525 posts
    19 March 2016 in reply to hope4joy

    ... so yes, am waiting for an opportune moment. 

    And thanks for your kind words xmin, to take it easy on myself. I do find it busy to juggle uni and a few work shifts, and then just managing day to day stuff and socialising. Sometimes its easy being busy though, no real time to stop and contemplate. But yeah, I keep getting the initial signs of a cold so need to care for my health. That's why i decided to take it easy tonight.

    How's your week/ weekend been?

    And as to art, I love to make sculptures and digital media stuff, be it video or digital collage etc. I do paint and draw but not much lately. I really enjoy being in the workshop and using all sorts of crazy equip,emt to make sculptures, it feels very empowering.

    Well I hope this finds you well xmin - kind wishes your way! Christina ;)

  6. xmin
    xmin avatar
    36 posts
    19 March 2016 in reply to hope4joy
    Hello Christina, 

    Have you picked up a little yet? I'm very tired these days, quite sleep deprived. I must be disciplined! 

    It's kind of unsettling to have my happiness/mental health reliant on things, and be so thrown when they are removed. How do people just cruise along happily? I do wonder. Oh well done! I did try to look up group support. and only found something in your state, which is a shame for me. It must really be great to have found that group of people who experience the same trials, and be able to connect with them in real life. I do feel most if not all of those. I have been feeling quite lonely these days. I am missing that close person to feel connected to. I do feel emptiness- it's kinda like my life is hollow and meaningless and there isn't much point to it. I don't find much enjoyment in things. And the little enjoyment I experience is vague and short lived. 

    It is indeed indoor climbing. However, I did a course recently and I might try outdoor climbing with a friend in the future. 

    I didn't mention, I'm thinking of moving out next year! Money. Money keeps me where I am. Although on the advice of my naturopath I might have to consider changing jobs, which is a little daunting. 

    Yup that's right, easy does it. I can't speak though, I went rock climbing with three stitches in my thumb xD. 

    Thanks Christina. I shall keep you updated on how it goes- I am feeling a little scared with the idea of confrontation. 

    Ahhh I see, that sounds like a great way to do things. I wish I had more time in my session. I haven't tried seeing a psychiatrist, how would you recommend it? 

    I hope you find that moment, or the comfort to do it when you are ready. 

    I definitely don't miss working and studying, so hats off to you. It is easier to avoid those mental mulling over periods when you're busy, but yeah also good to have a bit of down time thinking time. Please do! Having a cold and trying to juggle everything does not sound like fun. 

  7. xmin
    xmin avatar
    36 posts
    19 March 2016 in reply to hope4joy
    It's been alright. I had a great day today with a friend, went cycling around the water for a few hours and walked around the beach. Although something that has been bugging me is that I messaged the ex-friend with a casual message asking to meet up, and they never responded. I get it if they don't want to try and patch things up and I would respect their decision, but it would have been nice if they at least replied. I am angry at that fact, and also terribly sad about things not working out. I feel like my life just isn't that enjoyable without them being a part of it. No one makes me laugh as much as they did, or helps me have as much fun. It's a personality and compatibility thing. I'm sure it's possible there's someone else out there who can be a great friend in that way, but I haven't found them, and I've already hit the jackpot once. But my only choice is to move on and just continue on my way. 

    Tomorrow I'm going shopping, which I'm actually really excited about. How about you? Weekend plans? 

    Ahh amazing!!! If you ever felt comfortable sharing, I'd really love to see some of your works. I love the idea of sculpting. I am very terrible on 2D but I have a watercolour course booked in for next month with a friend which I'm excited about. It sounds like you have a lot of fun! How long have you been doing it for? What do you do with your artworks? 

    Hope you're keeping well =). 
  8. hope4joy
    hope4joy avatar
    525 posts
    22 March 2016 in reply to xmin

    Morning xmin :)

    Wow it certainly seems like you're proactive in doing things. Your cycling and walking near the water/beach sounds beautiful. I've stayed short term (a few weeks) in Sydney a couple of times a few years ago in the Drummoyne / Balmain sort of area and I found it so pretty. I also love going out to Bondi and the beaches near that area. And I remember doing quite a long walk from a bridge all the way to Manly, walking around the coast. We're lucky in Australia how much natural habitat we have in amongst our cities. Sydney is somewhere I'd consider living - although I get daunted by the travel times and the cost of rent. So it makes sense that you're living at home to make it affordable. I guess that is one advantage of Brisbane - its much sleepier and smaller, so parking and rent etc is cheaper. But its not as pretty or dynamic as Sydney, but makes an easy place to live. I don't see myself living here 'forever' but its good for the time being and has lots of supports on offer. I really enjoyed living in Alice Springs for a while but there was a real lack of mental health supports, which forced me to leave. It was nice that travelling all the way across town only took 5 to 10 minutes!

    Yeah, I hear you xmin about some friends being a better fit than others. And those friendships that are so open and fun. I've had a few good friends like that in the past. I think you're right, they're a very special thing. And hard to find. For me it is a sense of being much more relaxed around friends like that, so I can be 'real' and playful and overall its just so much more rewarding. It sounds like a huge part of your life that you've lost - and I think you're doing great. I hope that you have some more people in your life like that soon.

    And whoa, rock climbing with stitches in your thumb, yikes!

    What do you think about your work... would you like to change occupation? 

    And thanks, I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and sort of off-loaded all my worries and she kept saying how some changes recently (like my horrible situation with being bullied and having to leave my home) would impact anyone to a great degree, not just someone with bpd. So that felt good and validating. She also suggested I increase my meds slightly - they're only new ones so we haven't found the right level yet, so i'll go and fill that script this afternoon. But yes, I wish my emotional state didn't depend so much on what was happening/ not happening in my life... 

  9. hope4joy
    hope4joy avatar
    525 posts
    22 March 2016 in reply to xmin

    it can get ever so tiring being buffeted around. But at the same time I know I have found and built up much more of a centre than ever before, so slowly slowly work in progress. I'm sorry to hear that you've been down xmin. Do you think you're depressed at the moment? Have you ever tried meds, or anything else that might have helped? I just know that for me that feeling of lack of pleasure in life/ activities can be a sign that i'm experiencing depression.

    Oh yeah you asked about a psychiatrist. Well in my experience - I've only seen two - a male psychiatrist for a few months and then my current psychiatrist - they are different to psychologists. To me psychologists seem more like informed friends and are pretty casual, where as psychiatrists are trained doctors and appear to have more of a medical approach. But all this is just my impression xmin, it could be different for everyone. I guess that I was told a few years ago that I needed long term intensive support and a psychologist simply wasn't affordable. But a psychiatrist can bulk bill something like 50 sessions in a year, and I did lots of research to track down a psychiatrist who was willing to bulk bill me with no gap. I think the consistency and long teem nature has been incredibly helpful. It is also helpful she's very informed on meds. At times my sessions frustrate me because they are unstructured and can be very analytical - which is why i appreciate being able to also see a psychologist. I kind of feel that it is something that has helped me enormously, but the chance has been so slow it is hard to see, and that i will see the benefit better after stopping. I don't know, we can only try hey?!

    And thanks for your interest in my art and the invite to share, that means a lot.

    Oh what did you go shopping for?

    I've got a few weekend plans - a bushwalk with that guy I met on the date, dancing on Fri night with a group of friends and some sound recording from uni. A friend of mine is at a mental health clinic so might pop in to visit her. And then a bit of study study study!

    Lovely to chat xmin, have a great day. And why are you sleep deprived? Maybe your travel time?

    Kind wishes, Christina ;)

  10. Spiltbean
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Spiltbean avatar
    8 posts
    22 March 2016

    Hi all, 

    I'd like to contribute if I may, I've had BPD since 2007. DBT was agree at move to help regulate affect. Was able to understand my emotions and tolerate distress much more effectively. Mindfulness is part of my everyday. 

    However DBT is only the start of recovery. It does NOT:

    -  Restore sense of self or the fractured identity

    - self -efficacy

    - externalised locus of control

    - blockages to intrinsic motivation

     

    These elements of psyche are important to control, in order to feel optimistic about the future, and  to trust your instinct to make informed choices bases on your 'intuition' not just pros & cons.

    Ultimately you can still feel very confused many years after DBT without the right individual psychotherapy, and when I say 'right' a therapist that understands how 'deliberate detachment' occurred in the first place and what starts the borderline off on the trajectory of compulsive compliance, leading them to numb out and become chronically uninvolved in their own lives.

    New research indicates that personality is mailable, and this makes sense given neuroplasticity, but the challenge is knowing how to make "attachments" of any kind from palace of want rather than need.  What's worth doing? what do you believe? How can I ensure my survival while exploring my new self safely ?

     Most therapists I've seen (and I've seen heaps) don't understand this because they do not understand the trained brain. Specifically how limbic atrophy occurs, and how the process of 'mentalization' is compromised. Why the individual "deliberately detached" from desire in the first place.

    Rather making the 'self' the focus in treatment, they're only interested in treating affects, which is extension and reinforcement of DBT. So you go round in circles, with endless chatter. Feeling much the same, and funding their retirement!

    There is a deficit of skilled psychologists & therapist in this area.

    Let me know what you think.

    peace .

     

     

     

     

     

     

  11. xmin
    xmin avatar
    36 posts
    22 March 2016 in reply to hope4joy
    Hello again Christina!

    It was, and such lovely weather. Luckily I snuck that trip in because it's turned pretty nippy and gloomy now. It really is gorgeous around there aye. I know it's known as a tourist hub and some locals snub it, but I do have a soft spot for bondi. There are a lot of great coastal walks all up and down. Yeah, rent is something I am not looking forward to, but I must! There are things I gain by moving, so I will focus on that. Yeah, it's not a cheap city to live in but you make it work. When you think of living in a small town most people think about the shops and bars and city life that it doesn't have, but there's also the health care that you miss out on. It's lovely having that nice cosy environment, but not the crazy waiting lists or just plain lack of availability. 

    I have been poking around online, trying to find people to engage with. It's going alright, hopefully I'll meet people I can connect with in person. And I've been considering message that ex-friend again to try and nudge them into responding. 

    I know, it sounds icky but it actually wasn't that bad. 

    Well, yes and no. I do somewhat like my job, I work with some great people, it's a nice pace and so on. But there are things I am not so pleased with. I complain about not making that much money at work- my profession doesn't exactly rake it in. Also my hours are too long for my liking. Along with some other points, it might be for the best to get away, but I'm in no rush. 

    I do find it comforting to hear that an issue I've been struggling would affect an average person a tremendous amount. Helps me feel like I'm not overreacting too much- and it is validating. Progress is good, it's great to hear you creeping along well. I've been on a number of meds, but they're just like insulation for me. It does make things a little easier sometimes. Actually, I was hoping to ask my psych next session whether she reckons I should go back on meds, although I have improved somewhat. I have been quite depressed, and I wanted something to help me get through this rough patch. 

    That's pretty comforting to hear, I somehow have gotten negative feelings and stereotypes about psychiatrists. Not really sure how to go about finding a decent one in Sydney...

    No worries! Art is a beautiful thing that enriches the soul, and it's nice to share the journey and support it. 

  12. xmin
    xmin avatar
    36 posts
    22 March 2016 in reply to hope4joy
    Clothes! Haha nothing exciting. I did manage to pick up some nice bargains and didn't go crazy, so it was a pretty pleasant morning. 

    Wowee, sounds like a great weekend lined up for you. I'm going caving with friends, and that's all I have planned so far. Probably going to be a quiet restful one. I hope I don't feel too frustrated that I've wasted it. 

    Travel time is definitely part of it! I am very much looking forward to cutting down travel time. And public transport time, eurgh. 

    Thanks for the contribution spiltbean, I'll have to look more into it and maybe bring it up with the psych next time...

    Goodnight! xmin
  13. hope4joy
    hope4joy avatar
    525 posts
    23 March 2016 in reply to Spiltbean

    Hello xmin and spiltbean, its nice to find comments from both of you here. I wonder if you happened to post at the same time and not see each other's replies - it happens quite a bit on the forum.

    Yeah wow spiltbean, you're the first person i've heard express my gripes with dbt so succinctly! I totally agree with you that dbt is a helpful stabilisation tool and important in early recovery. But it is only the beginning! Apparently there are meant to be four stages to dbt but i don't see how the material promotes this - it seems dbt courses just address the at risk and overt emotionally charged behaviours.

    Whoa spiltbean, my main goal of schema therapy is to overcome my chronic detachment. I hope you don't mind me quoting you:

    "Ultimately you can still feel very confused many years after DBT without the right individual psychotherapy, and when I say 'right' a therapist that understands how 'deliberate detachment' occurred in the first place and what starts the borderline off on the trajectory of compulsive compliance, leading them to numb out and become chronically uninvolved in their own lives."

    Self responsibility is something i'm very passionate about but find incredibly difficult - I relate so much to what you describe. Yet externally almost all the time i'm a high achiever and appear fine. But the loneliness from having shallow connections, being chronically in fear of people (kind people or otherwise) and that sense of disconnection, well yeah it is something not many people see or understand. I have decreased my overt disassociation a lot over the last few years - for a while I thought I had a dissociative condition I did it so much - but now my disconnection occurs on more subtle levels. I guess this is why I'm seeking more help - and its what led me to schema. I want more joy, connection and love in life.

    Where did you learn this info spiltbean? Thank you so much for sharing. I'd be keen to hear more, although sorry i can't offer answers. Does anyone else have something to add about this?

    Its sad that so much of psychology and psychiatry is about treating symptoms and not helping people live more meaningful, connected and happy lives.

    Kind wishes to all, Christina

  14. hope4joy
    hope4joy avatar
    525 posts
    23 March 2016 in reply to xmin

    Hi xmin,

    wow, caving sounds adventurous? You don't get scared being in confined spaces? The idea kinda freaks me out, but i've not really tried it. I'n guessing the sound acoustics would be amazing, with heaps of echo. Studying sound and music production this year is making much more conscious of what I hear :)

    And don't be too hard on yourself xmin, going caving doesn't sound like wasting a weekend!

    Yeah i hear what you mean about meds being like insulation. I see them as raising my base level a little, but not actually changing anything. But they can make things seem more manageable, and i think the placebo affect works for me too. I'll take whatever helps! I opposed meds for a long time but in the last year, well actually only since new year i decided that if they make things a little easier and if there are no major side effects than i'd take them. Fingers crossed my increased dose helps.

    You're right, big cities have their advantages for health care. Sounds like you have some big things ahead with seeking out new work and a new home! Its good you're not rushing it.

    Well i'm a bit worn out from a day at uni - and actually have my psychologist session tonight - so best go get ready. Nice chatting, kind wishes xmin :)

    Christina 

  15. xmin
    xmin avatar
    36 posts
    24 March 2016 in reply to hope4joy
    Hello again Christina,

    Ugh, gloomy weather is scheduled for this long weekend, so we're most likely going to postpone our caving adventure. Honestly, I'm not a huge fan of confined spaces. The images my friend sent me of the place we're supposed to go didn't look too bad. Ahh, that sounds very interesting! Cool =). 

    It's not the caving, it's the other three days! I think I will try to go climbing, even by myself. I realised as I've gotten older I am much less willing to do things on my own. Which probably isn't great. I look back on things I've done and I am kinda surprised, as I know I wouldn't do them today. Like my first job- no way would I sign up for that now. 

    Medication can definitely make things a little easier to manage. I have experienced the side effects, and I really hate the withdrawal process. The last one I tried was pretty good- no side effects and no withdrawal, but it came with a nice big price tag. 

    Slowly, slowly! I am very slowly growing up. 

    I have been spreading out and trying to talk to people online- I might be meeting someone this Sunday for coffee. Which I'm pretty excited/nervous about. 

    One thing I just remembered- I was wondering how are your self esteem levels? I have been realising how bad my self esteem levels are recently. I feel a deep need for approval from other people, and I never tell myself that things are acceptable. It's like a big empty hole. 

    Hope you're keeping well, have a great long weekend =)
  16. hope4joy
    hope4joy avatar
    525 posts
    26 March 2016 in reply to xmin

    Hey xmin, 

    I hope your caving goes ahead... shame about the weather. Have you made it climbing? I know what you mean about not wanting to do things alone. Sometimes I'm okay, more likely if it is a morning or daytime event, in evenings I'm far less likely to want to go alone. I also worry that I'll run into people I know and they'll see I'm alone and think i'm such a loser, eek that's harsh hey?! But it is so nice having company. I've got a new buddy for checking out exhibitions so that's nice, I often don't go cause i'm too scared to go alone. Like for the opening events in the evenings.

    Hey what was your first job xmin? I'm curious!

    Yes meds are super expensive when they're not on the pbs. I tried one recently and it was like $70 a month, but i reacted badly against it so had to stop. So financially that was phew. But my current one seems to have less side effects than the last, even though they're in the same class, so that's a plus. But sometimes they can't take away the sadness or loneliness. I'm finding this holiday a bit hard to be honest, don't have much planned, one of friends who i see mostly is in hospital for her poor mental health, and i'm a bit of a loss. I've been trying to study but i study better when i've got fun things on too. Am out to dinner and games with my old neighbours tonight, and have some stuff happening from mon, but pretty quiet till then. It seems to be a recurring issue for me that i don't have enough friends to hang out with and really feel it in the holidays :(

    How are you going with the easter break?

    I like you're sentence that slowly slowly you're growing up. Me too!!!!

    Oh cool, is the sunday person a sort of date? Or a possible friendship? Or? Good on you for reaching out. And great to choose a public venue so its safe to meet up etc. I've never had any bad experiences with meeting people online but i think it pays to be careful.

    Yes, I'm also really hard on myself and nothing is ever good enough. I can be so encouraging and supportive to others - but my standards for myself are harsh without me realising half the time. I just finished an online course - through the mood gym - and the feedback from the counsellor was that she hoped i could lower my expectations for myself. I also find that always being in problem solving mode is so hard - i'd like to have self acceptance and also continue to grow at the same time. Its  good topic xmin. What are your thoughts on increasing self esteem? 

    Happy easter! Christina

  17. xmin
    xmin avatar
    36 posts
    28 March 2016 in reply to hope4joy
    Hey Christina, 

    I didn't manage to go caving, but I did go bushwalking for over three hours on Friday, and yesterday I did 4+ hours of kayaking. Phew! I did also manage to throw in a little bit of climbing too. Nah, I totally get you. I'm not socially comfortable to be seen out and about by myself. Fair enough, that is nice that you have a buddy. 

    Oh dear, it's more embarrassing than anything. I was a casual DJ- but not anything cool, more like a button pushing monkey. We just had two CD players and would switch between tracks. 

    That is true. Pills cannot be my friends, but they could help me feel less depressed and crappy about my situation. I'm sorry that you didn't manage to have enough things planned to keep you up. How did the weekend go for you? 

    I think I did alright. I had some sad moments thinking about the ex-friend, but I am slowly getting over it I think. It will always trouble me at times and depress me if I think about it, but I am at least trying to move on. 

    Hmm, well after the meet up I think it's more of a possible friendship- which is great. We have some things in common and it's nice to have intelligent conversation. I haven't made any new friends for a while, and I guess I had forgotten how it can be nice. Had a quick brekkie, headed out for kayaking, then came back and had dinner with their sister and her boyfriend. I don't think I've had a bad experience, but I guess I will always be a bit nervous meeting someone for the first time. Most of my friends I've met online. 

    Yeah, it works like that, doesn't it? I wonder if most people don't think others as they do themselves. I think not. I have no idea, right now I feel like all I'm doing is identifying my problems, and seeing their possible origins, and just mulling them over(perhaps unhealthily). Age does help. I think generally I have gotten a little better over the years, more sure of myself and less panicky. But I'm still currently not at a good place. 

    Happy Easter! I do hope you've been keeping well =) xmin
  18. hope4joy
    hope4joy avatar
    525 posts
    3 April 2016 in reply to xmin

    Hi xmin,

    sorry its taken me a while to get back to you, i've been somewhat stressed this week and sort of buried myself in studies. but did yoga yesterday and had a nice night out with a friend and feel more balanced today. i'm finding uni really challenging this year. last year it was new and exciting but this year its really sunk in as to what i'm chasing - a big goal to work in contemporary arts - and a big part of me just want to bail and do something easier. but i'm pretty determined to finish this degree, its been many years coming!

    and hey, why is that embarrassing to have been a dj of sorts? sounds cool to me!

    and seems like you're also a very active person. nice to hear you got out to do so much. how's your week/ weekend been just gone?

    I think sometimes with therapy stuff there is the 'getting worse before better' thing where we start to notice our difficulties more and they seem to grow as we become more and more aware of them. i also feel like change can destabilise me and make me feel like my world is falling apart and only after can i realise how much i grew. i dunno, i really hope that within say 5 years i wont need so much therapy! and that i can just grow through my art instead.

    what sort of work do you think you'd like to do xmin, if you were to make a change?

    This last week i felt quite demotivated to think that i'll probable have emotional sensitivity and sensitivity to depression for life. but i guess we can't change our lot in life and i hope i can instead keep focussing on what i can do today to make the world a brighter place. it is really hard living with mental illness, but what can one do but try? i dunno, i guess i'm still trying to accept my limitations in life without being depressed by them. i'm not sure if this makes any sense at all?!

    Happy Sunday xmin, nice to chat,

    Christina :)

  19. xmin
    xmin avatar
    36 posts
    9 April 2016 in reply to hope4joy
    Hello again Christina,

    Sorry it's been a while but here I am! How are your studies going? Physical exercise and social interaction- tick tick! To me your goal sounds very impressive and inspiring- I wish you the best of luck with it.

    Exactly- because it sounds 'cool'! Complete opposite. Playing Justin Bieber six times in an hour really demolishes the cool factor.

    Skimming back over my posts I don't think I mentioned that I had that a talk with the owner about that director's behaviour. Went pretty well and I feel confident about how it has been addressed. Work is same old, I am going through a period of frustration and boredom. I'm terribly bored! It's not that I need a new job I think, just that my mind feels that way and I've read it's a bpd thing. So I'm trying to plan things and book things in to look forward to. I'm considering doing a short beginners course in martial arts. I'd love to do it with a friend but there's no one who I could see getting to do it with me. Also planning on going to the snow this winter for snowboarding.

    Hmm I see. And also I just thought that if you aren't aware of what the problem is, you aren't going to be able to fix it. I'm going to try and be more settled in being aware of my problems, before stressing out about them existing and fixing them.

    No idea! I know what I wouldn't like to do. I'm ok with my job at least for a few years, but I'm have to narrow it down and see how I'm going to move on.

    That's true, and it's a good attitude to have. It definitely makes sense, and it's good to hear your positive and realistic mindset.

    I've also been talking to another new person and I think I might have made a new friend possibly. It's always really nice to find someone to have intelligent and easy conversation with. I'm also planning on seeing my doc soon and asking to be put back onto anti-depressants.

    Tell me how you've been keeping? Chat soon!

    xmin
  20. CB33
    CB33 avatar
    1 posts
    4 July 2016

    Hi everyone

    My girlfriend has been recently diagnosed with BPD and I am in need of some help. She wants to find an online forum whereby she can chat to someone without everyone seeing it? Is this possible? Also can anyone recommend any good online forums for carers?

    Thanks

    Chris

  21. Chris B
    Community Manager
    • Works for beyondblue managing these forums. Not a mental health professional, but here to help. Email: christopher.banks@beyondblue.org.au
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Chris B avatar
    1757 posts
    4 July 2016 in reply to CB33

    Hi CB33, welcome to the forums.

    I'm not aware of any BPD-specific forums that are private, eg. you have to be a member and logged in to be able to read posts. Most forums are open. Of Australian-based sites that I know of, dNet requires you to be a member before you can read posts, but their main focus is depression so I'm not sure how many members with BPD they have.

    For carers forums, we have one here you can look at, or there's the SANE Forums.

    Internationally, BPD Family provides forums for both partners/family members and people with BPD themselves, but again those forums are open and can be read by anyone.

    Here on our forums, we make sure that our users stay anonymous by using a nickname to post with, and not sharing personally-identifying information, such as specific suburb or town where you live, hospitals or clinics you attend etc.

    Hope this helps.


  22. mikipauline
    mikipauline avatar
    3 posts
    16 May 2017

    Hi, i'm 15 and have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescence with underlying major depression and panic disorder/anxiety. I've been at CYMHS for 18 months now and i currently see a member from my mental health team (psychiatrists, psychologists, OT, MH nurses, doctors for meds) twice a week (depends on what i need on that day for who i see). I have been admitted to the acute psychiatric ward 4 times and i am going back there later this week for a 5th time. but this time it's a planned admission and not an involuntary crisis management thing. So basically i've done CBT for the depression and anxiety and then vie done DBT. but we are trying another round of DBT. i havent improved, if anything my mental health is getting worse. any advice on how to get better again?

  23. 5Mack
    5Mack avatar
    1 posts
    25 May 2017

    Hi can anyone please tell me where I can find a support group in Melbourne???

    i just want a group of people who understand...everyone else think they know what I need to do but no one really seems to get it and I feel so lonely and frustrated.

    Thanks battlers.

  24. james1
    Multicultural Correspondent
    • Foundation members of our Multicultural Experiences section
    • China
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    james1 avatar
    3061 posts
    25 May 2017 in reply to 5Mack

    Hi mikipauline,

    Sorry about the delayed response. We sometimes miss posts on longer running threads as they look like they've been looked at already.

    From what I've read, depression and anxiety often don't see long-term improvements without treating the BPD symptoms so it is good that you are undergoing DBT. That said, DBT didn't really work for me and I also gave Schema Therapy a go which wasn't so great either. Oddly, despite the two supposed best treatments not working for me, another therapy called TFP has been helping.

    I say that not because I'm suggesting a change in therapy - that has to come from a discussion with your doctors - but because I wanted to point out that therapy is a very individual process. For some, it's a straight forward process with one treatment that works. For others, we go backwards then forwards then stumble and slow down...but the key thing is to remember that there is always the option to keep going forward.

    Have you spoken to your doctors about your worry with not getting better? It's important that you have that close relationship with them so you can have discussions about your mental health plan. They can't tell you what's in your head. It's your job to tell them how you're feeling about the treatment and your worry about it not working.

    Still, you're doing very well to hang in there despite the setbacks. I was floating around aimlessly for about a year before I figured out how to manage the depression brought upon by my BPD symptoms, but I got there in the end, and I think you can too :)

    James

    James

  25. james1
    Multicultural Correspondent
    • Foundation members of our Multicultural Experiences section
    • China
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    james1 avatar
    3061 posts
    25 May 2017 in reply to 5Mack

    Hey 5Mack,

    I don't know of any but when I was looking into it, I saw there's a thing called Spectrum which is a BPD organisation based in Melbourne. They may be able to point you in the right direction. I've never been able to find one around Sydney unfortunately, but my way of coping, which may be different to yours, has been to try and just accept the BPD label, then move on to, 'How can I better integrate with others?' Between the forums here (there are a few with BPD I've spoken to in the past year) and my psychologist, I feel I have enough spaces to talk about my BPD symptoms without being judged. I also have one friend who doesn't understand, but tries, and that is enough for me.

    If you do want to talk about your particular experiences - and it sounds like you have quite a story to tell - I'd recommend starting your own thread because this one is quite long and your post could get missed.

    It'd be lovely to hear more from you if you feel safe and comfortable here.

    James

    P.s. actually I forgot to mention there's a few threads on the long term journey board about BPD which you're free to have a read of. I think they might be a bit inactive at the moment though, which is why I'd suggest starting your own.

    1 person found this helpful
  26. Carissima
    Carissima avatar
    6 posts
    28 May 2017 in reply to 5Mack

    Hi 5Mack

    Im working through a great workbook on DBT therapy at the moment, by myself pretty much but with feedback from my therapist. It's been really useful and actually surprisingly interesting and also effective! It seems so simple but it's tapping into my memories and producing some cool things, like music techniques I learnt years ago but had forgotten, which I use to distract and break extreme anxiety whilst Im driving, where I often get really nervous. The workbook focuses very slowly and gently on ideas so I don't feel overwhelmed which can happen easily if so look st the big picture of all my behaviors and history, and it has very practical suggestions and exercises. I've gained a lot of confidence in coping already and i'm only on chapter 3 haha. Worth looking at something like that maybe? Have you tried any dbt?

  27. Carissima
    Carissima avatar
    6 posts
    28 May 2017 in reply to james1

    Hi James

    and everyone else writing ,

    Ive only just really accepted the reality of my unwellness, and zip was railing against it and feeling very kind of angry about it, maybe more sad than angry, even though I'm already doing really helpful treatment and also 12 step work , which is a huge complement, and yoga.... but finding these forums is wonderful, like a freedom to talk without shame at last, and I can read my own story in much of what you are all writing. It's very comforting:) Thankyou so much.

    Carissima

  28. james1
    Multicultural Correspondent
    • Foundation members of our Multicultural Experiences section
    • China
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    james1 avatar
    3061 posts
    30 May 2017 in reply to Carissima

    Hey Carissima,

    It's great to hear you've been working through the DBT. I think having a plan is so much better than having a diagnosis because then you really feel like you've got some level of control.

    I'm not sure if you have made a separate thread already, but I'd certainly love to hear more of your story if you're willing to share. It sounds like you've had an...interesting past so far, but really taking big steps forward now.

    Good on you :)

    James

  29. NKate
    NKate avatar
    1 posts
    18 June 2017

    Hi there,

    This is my first post. I have BPD and have known only for about 3 months. I have been seeing a psychologist for more than 10 years and so am quite aware, doing a form of meditation called Yoga Nidra very regularly. I am blessed to have a very understanding and supportive partner of 15 years or so and 2 amazing children.

    At the moment, I am finding it difficult to find value in myself. I am going in and out of the space of being okay with myself and then feeling isolated and this incredible emptiness that is so overwelming and for no apparent reason. Hence I start feeling the emptiness and then the cycle goes around. I have unfortunately used up most of my MH plan visits but still need ongoing support.

    What have others done to help in finding their own value?

    I was wondering if anyone has any ideas, books, online support groups or their own lived experience.

    Thanks in advance,

    Kate

  30. james1
    Multicultural Correspondent
    • Foundation members of our Multicultural Experiences section
    • China
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    james1 avatar
    3061 posts
    18 June 2017 in reply to NKate

    Hey Kate,

    Welcome to the forums! It's lovely to have you here.

    It sounds like the BPD diagnosis is very new for you even if the actual symptoms themselves are very familiar.

    In terms of finding my own value, I am not sure what symptoms of BPD you have, but I suffer from a lack of identity so while trying to "talk myself up" by reaffirming positives about myself helps other people, it doesn't help me so much.

    I haven't been super successful at finding another way at finding my own value (hence why I'm still seeing my psychologist weekly) but I have gotten better at avoiding exacerbating my times of emptiness. For me, it's just a matter of knowing that the sense of self will come back, so I just try to keep to a routine and keep working on my everchanging hobbies.

    Speaking of which - that's one of the things I've tried to do. In the "good times", I write things down about myself and my hobbies and things I've done, and I put them places where I'll see them like on the wall. That way, when I'm in the empty times, I have a physical reminder. I still feel empty, but I suppose the more we get used to the idea that past me-ness doesn't mean it's exclusively the past me. It might just be a smaller, less important part of me now. I can still write well, even if I'm not writing at all now.

    If you don't mind me asking, is this something you've ever spoken to your psychologist about & how has that gone?

    James

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