A lot of what you have said in this thread resonates with me. For instance I too had wanted to have everything taken out of my control by having a fatal illness. It's not something peculiar to just you and me either. Those great pressures to act as if one was fit and well are simply overwhelming at times.
Of course with that feeling of wanting it to stop goes guilt, even more than you are feeling already.
I guess we have both fallen into a trap, though I am now out of it and in a much better place, able to do the things I need, plus loving as well as being loved.
You have had a long part of your life with anxiety and depression, and that is a very real illness, and pushes one into a state where many things are simply not possible.
The trap is to judge yourself as if you were well. If you had a broken leg you would not expect yourself to do everyday tasks, it is no difference with a mental illness, you simply can't do things, and yet sadly feel very guilty - and frustrated.
In that dark place the world does shrink down until you see nothing but all the problems and wonder if there will be any improvement in the future -you cannot see how.
All the good things in your life, the love of your family, a job and all the rest simply do not apply, so thinking you have these as advantages and you 'should' feel better as a result is part of that trap. They realy make no difference except to pile on more guilt.
There is hope, I'm an example, from a suicidal mess with depression, anxiety and other problems to where I am now. I would never have believed that was possible, but I have.
You are doing better than you realize, with making appointments for medical help, and keeping that job, and most importantly being loved. Plus seeking comfort here too with those that understand
Please, rather than expecting to do all the things you may think important, with Christmas and visitors and household chores - setting yourself up for failure as you simply are not capable of it all
Instead try to concentrate on little things, getting up, doing the minimum, each thing accomplished is a small victory in itself. You may be surprised how successes help.
Please also try to find something to make yourself feel good, if only for an instant, a food, music, books, walking outside, - I do not know what you have enjoyed, you do - if you can remember, and if not ask your hubby.
You can get though this time, people love you
I hope you would like to talk some more