Very timely email directing me to this article. Spooky really.
I've been on antidepressants for years, but the last few have been horrid. Death of mum, family disputes, friends who just don't understand/have their own issues, loss of job 2 weeks prior to mum's death. All compounded by alcohol use which (unfortunately) I still turn to as a short term solution to stop those negative loops which go round & round in the head.
It's just so exhausting to keep fighting these things. And to top it all off my alcohol counsellor left the practice and when I tried to reschedule with the person he recommended I was told they too had left and my new referral was null & void. It was just too hard to continue to seek treatment. "Even the universe hates me" you tell yourself. The last straw, almost. If I wasn't so scared of there being a possibility of hell or reincarnation into a worse world than I'm in now I would consider the longest sleep perfect peace.
And I totally agree with the article in regards to where these inner voices come from. I've been dealing with rejection since primary school and still feel that I don't fit in anywhere. I think that brought on the depression and not the other way around. I'm not normal. I feel so isolated to those closest to me because they just don't understand. I feel like I'm living in my own little bubble and will never connect with anyone on a close level.
But before I even saw this article I actually did give myself some kindness today. Instead of forcing myself to get up and about like I had planned to, I relaxed in a bath and went back to bed. Just to give me some space and some relaxation time so I can recoup my energy and start again tomorrow. And that was pretty much a first, believe me.
I'm into true crime, so I will keep in mind to take my thoughts to court as suggested - when it's so engrained in you it's hard to win though.