First of all - THANK YOU QUIRKY = for bringing this opportunity into my life (let's see how it goes)...
Me: Hi Inner Critic, what would you like me to call you.
IC: Mum. Actually, you could call me a whole heap of other names too. So go for it, make one up.
Me: How about *&$$(*(*&*%&^^$%^?
IC: That's not very nice.
Me: But you terrorize me daily, what do you expect? Actually, why do you have to do this, at all? Why can't you just let me be?
IC: Because you're a failure.
Me: At what - what did I fail?
Me: Can you be more specific?
IC: Just look around you!? Does the place look like a regular home to you? It's disgusting.
Me: But the reason it's disgusting is because you put too much pressure on me & I freeze up! I can't BREATHE when you are pressuring me like this!
IC: I thought you said it was because you didn't want to get used by 'men' (which your boyfriend is).
Me: That too.
IC: Because you don't want to be walked all over.
Me: True. But I've never let 'men' walk over me before...why would I suddenly start now?
IC: Because your Mum was a housewife who was 'second-rate' & it's your greatest fear.
Me: Is it valid?
IC: In some senses, yes. Do you see him lifting a finger?
Me: So what do I do?
IC: I see what is happening - you're getting stuck in hopelessness & avoiding what needs to be done.
Me: Yep, no $#!^.
(Dead-lock results in me staring aimlessly out the window. Inner Critic starts the convo back up...)
IC: Your house looks like $#!^. It's disgusting & you have a baby due in 4 days. What are you going to do about it?
Me: I guess I'll have to call the doctor, see if I can get some help through a psyche. This block has really got a hold of me.
IC: You need to release - the negative energy which you're getting stuck in.
Me: Release....hhhmmm...yeah, get it out of my system. So I can be free - just me again. No 'issues'.
IC: It's pathetic, really.
Me: I agree.
IC: You know you could be kinder to yourself.
Me: I agree. How about art-therapy? I could do a really angry, ugly piece & then burn it.
IC: You tried that, remember? And journalling...and a psyche, pills...inner child work...other stuff too.
(I text my boyfriend but don't send & break down in tears...I remember early childhood:
- my individuality being overlooked
- being forced
...and a game I played to cope - that I was a slave.)
Finally, I can release this. I hope it works.