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Forums / Staying well / Talking to your inner critic, can it be tamed?

Topic: Talking to your inner critic, can it be tamed?

  1. Moonstruck
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    17 January 2018 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    I am going to write a letter to my child self, from my adult self....thank you for the idea Elizabeth. (does it matter if I cry all the way through?).....Moon S.

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  2. Elizabeth CP
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    17 January 2018 in reply to Moonstruck

    I cried in the session with the psych as I explained what had happened & how I felt. Writing to myself also involved lots of tears wishing someone had put their arm around me and encouraged me to talk. I can still remember this lady telling mum to send me back to school so mum could have a break (& start recovering from what happened) The message to me was I needed to protect my mum by not ever speaking about what happened. Of course this extended to everyone as mum was the only one who could possible understand.

    Sorry I've digressed. tears are fine I'm now crying.

  3. quirkywords
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    17 January 2018 in reply to Moonstruck

    Moon, I have interviewed my inner critic and written letters to myself but I am not sure what my adult would say to my child. I did not have any childhood trauma or was bullied , I was juts unpopular.

    I may try it.

    Does anyone think by writing the letter to their child self that may help them to tame their inner critic and improve their self esteem? Is that the reasoning?

    Quirky

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  4. Elizabeth CP
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    17 January 2018 in reply to quirkywords
    Every case is different. In my case some of the harsh critics statements were based on what happened to me as a child & the guilt I feel about how I acted at the time. The letter was to help provide a more rational perspective tp tame that aspect of my harsh critic. Obviously if there were no significant issues in your childhood then writing to your child is irrelevant. The focus needs to be on what things most trigger the harsh critic & then work out a more reasonable message to tell yourself.
  5. quirkywords
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    17 January 2018 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    My inner critic is due to low self esteem I have had since birth because I have always I felt I don't fit in. No reason just do.

    So does that mean I am stuck with my inner critic , as I can't write a letter to my inner child and IC did not listen when I interviewed it.

    Quirky

  6. Quercus
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    17 January 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky (and everyone 😊),

    I'm not sure that arguing or ignoring or throwing a wobbly or debating with my inner critic has helped really. I've tried these. Short term I feel ok but the doubts creep back in.

    And then today a friend wrote to me on my thread. And made me feel so good. So I wonder why do we think we are alone with challenging our inner critic. We're not.

    I may not see my good. But others do. And that feedback is important from people we trust and respect.

    When we left highschool my year did an activity called warm fuzzies. We wrote what we liked about everyone and had to sign our name. I held onto one for years. A popular girl who I thought hated me wrote. When we started highschool I was introduced to you by our friend who you'd known for years. All of us liked you. I have always wondered why you chose to leave our group and make different friends. I missed you and wanted to be your friend.

    This stunned me. My friend was very popular. Her group were sporty and wealthy and older in many ways and very mean to eachother. I watched them make fun of eachother and thought I don't fit here. I'm chubby and a nerd and live in the poor part of town and a prudish virgin. I have nothing these kids like or want and they probably all laugh behind my back. And I don't want to be like them either. So I found new friends. And always thought I was a joke to them. The fat nerd who was stupid enough to pass up on being popular.

    So Quirky... Your little girl didn't fit in. Let me reassure her for you...

    Dear Quirky,

    Different is amazing. I don't want you to be the same as everyone else. That would be boring.

    Ask your questions. Be curious. Wonder. Be indecisive. None of those things are bad things. I find them fabulous.

    You are a lovely interesting intelligent person. And I like you. Please embrace your inner "weird" because it draws the right sort of people to you. Those who like different too. Those who like me think there is no such thing as normal.

    Young Quirky when the voice inside whispers to you... You don't fit in. Challenge it. Why do you want to fit in? Would it make you feel happy? Would it make you feel good about yourself?

    Why be a cookie cutter replicate when you can be unique? You're great exactly how you are. You fit in just fine!

    Love Nat

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  7. Ggrand
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    17 January 2018 in reply to Quercus

    Hello Quirky, Quercus, and everyone else,

    Quercus, absolutely spot on.

    Why not be who are are, always be true to yourself, I'm different, but I am me.

    love your post Quercus, thank you.

    Karen.

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  8. quirkywords
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    17 January 2018 in reply to Quercus

    Everyone,

    Thanks Nat.

    I am so moved by what you wrote I am lost for words.

    Young quirky may not have been able to understand your compasionate words but Old quirky does. I think now I like being different in fact . Nat you have gift of kindness and I do hope one day you receive that gift from yourself.

    Karen yes Nat's post was so touching.

    Quirky

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  9. Quercus
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    17 January 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky and GGrand 😊

    Wooohooooo! Can you hear me celebrating all the way over in WA?

    I think now I like being different in fact

    Love this. Love love love it. So bloody glad it reasonated with you both. Made my day!

    Just think.... What is scary about an inner critic when we can just come on here and ask for a different opinion? Nothing!

    Inner critic... Nat you are weird.

    Me... The consensus on BB is that weird is ok... so back off you obnoxious toad and let me enjoy my cuppa in peace.

    Inner critic... Riiiiiigght (backs off slowly).

    A new day tomorrow everyone. If your inner critic starts harrassing youlet us know ok? Maybe we can find the words to put the critic back in it's box.

    ❤ Nat

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  10. quirkywords
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    17 January 2018 in reply to Quercus

    Nat

    now I am smiling.

    In whole life I have never called anyone on or offline real or imagined an obnoxious toad.

    I admire your spirit

    My inner critic is not easily put off. When I quote positives people have said to me , my inner critic says"what do you expect they say what you want to hear, me I tell the truth"

    However I am choosing not to believe inner critic and to glow in my aura of weirdness!!!

    Thanks everyone, Thanks Nat..

    Quirky

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  11. Quercus
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    18 January 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Dear Quirky's inner critic,

    Back off and leave her be because she's basking in the "glow of her aura of weirdness". 😊😊😊

    Oh and critic... You know as well as I do that noone here is feeding Quirky BS. We are saying it like it is. She's great. So quit bringing her down please. Go try basking in the glow too... Maybe it will mellow you out and you'll give her a break.

    ❤ Nat

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  12. quirkywords
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    18 January 2018 in reply to Quercus

    Nat,

    thanks so much. Can you summon that spirit

    you use to tell my inner critic off to tell yours off!!

    Quirky

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  13. Quercus
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    19 January 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky 😊

    I hope you're having a lovely day and your critic is quiet. I thought about what you wrote. Both here and elsewhere about being kinder to myself too. So I'll try.

    Oi obnoxious toad inner critic...

    Really? How arrogant can you be? Letters to self on other people's threads now Nat?

    Quirky won't care. She gets it. So yep. Rocking the letter to self in public woohoo.

    You are so strange. 

    Uh yeah get with the program critic... We already had that discussion. Weird is good. Strange is ok. I'm fine with strange. 

    Ok. So what are you waffling about now? Get to the point. Stop wasting my time. 

    How am I a waste of time?

    ....

    Well look at that. You've got nothing? 

    You have written to help others today. But there is the matter of the messages you haven't replied to. Failed at that as usual. 

    I'll get there when I get there. 

    Lame excuse. They're worried and you're too lazy to reply. Selfish as well as letting others down. 

    Ok yes. I haven't replied yet. Because they'll ask if I'm ok and I'm not good at BS. 

    They'll give up on you if you don't treat them better. 

    Yes. Maybe they will. Or they'll forgive me like they usually do when I go awol. But this is just part of me and if I'm tired and need space I'm tired and need space. 

    well aren't you a crappy excuse for a friend. 

    Sometimes yes. But mostly I'm ok. Remember what I said to the psych about the issues with Mum... She's human. She gives what she can give and I expect too much. Why can't that apply to me too?

    That sounds like an excuse to be selfish. And a shitty parent and friend. 

    Ok. So what? So what if I'm selfish sometimes. I stuff up sometimes. So does everybody else and I don't hold it against them. Neither do you. So why when it is me do you jump down my throat screeching failure failure? I'm human not a bloody failure. 

    We'll agree to disagree. 

    I can live with that as long as you keep your opinion to yourself.

    Interesting. Thanks Quirky. 

    ❤ Nat

  14. quirkywords
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    19 January 2018 in reply to Quercus

    Thanks Quercus always like your conversations. I have had a great birthday 60 and proud and no inner critic today. Spending time away with my 3 children and their oartners. Full of joy and kindness,

    Lets hope inner critics keep their loud mouthed opinion to myself!!

    Quirky

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  15. Quercus
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    19 January 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky 😊

    I hope you're having a lovely day and your critic is quiet. I thought about what you wrote. Both here and elsewhere about being kinder to myself too. So I'll try.

    Oi obnoxious toad inner critic...

    Really? How arrogant can you be? Letters to self on other people's threads now Nat?

    Quirky won't care. She gets it. So yep. Rocking the letter to self in public woohoo.

    You are so strange.

    Uh yeah get with the program critic... We already had that discussion. Weird is good. Strange is ok. I'm fine with strange.

    Ok. So what are you waffling about now? Get to the point. Stop wasting my time.

    How am I a waste of time?

    ....

    Well look at that. You've got nothing?

    You have written to help others today. But there is the matter of the messages you haven't replied to. Failed at that as usual.

    I'll get there when I get there.

    Lame excuse. They're worried and you're too lazy to reply. Selfish as well as letting others down.

    Ok yes. I haven't replied yet. Because they'll ask if I'm ok and I'm not good at BS.

    They'll give up on you if you don't treat them better.

    Yes. Maybe they will. Or they'll forgive me like they usually do when I go awol. But this is just part of me and if I'm tired and need space I'm tired and need space.

    well aren't you a crappy excuse for a friend.

    Sometimes yes. But mostly I'm ok. Remember what I said to the psych about the issues with Mum... She's human. She gives what she can give and I expect too much. Why can't that apply to me too?

    That sounds like an excuse to be selfish. And a shitty parent and friend.

    Ok. So what? So what if I'm selfish sometimes. I stuff up sometimes. So does everybody else and I don't hold it against them. Neither do you. So why when it is me do you jump down my throat screeching failure failure? I'm human not a bloody failure.

    We'll agree to disagree.

    I can live with that as long as you keep your opinion to yourself.

    Interesting. Thanks Quirky.

    ❤ Nat

  16. Quercus
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    19 January 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Happy birthday dear Quirky!

    🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂

    I hope you had a lovely 60th bday with no critics in sight 😊

  17. CMF
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    19 January 2018 in reply to quirkywords
    Happy Birthday Quirky xxx
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  18. quirkywords
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    19 January 2018 in reply to CMF

    Thanks CMF and Quercus,

    Quercus your conversations with inner critic are getting stronger and bolder.

    I am not a morning person but I switched off inner critic and am off for a walk .

    I am prepared after a 2 nights with family and being centre of attention I will feel a bit low on sunday but am prepared for this and inner critic has been warned to back off.

    Quirky

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  19. Elizabeth CP
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    19 January 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Happy birthday Quirky. Welcome to the over 60 club!

    As for being weird!! I read somewhere if God wanted us to be all the same he would have created us as clones of each other. Instead he made us all different shapes, sizes colours with different talents & strengths & weaknesses. Whats more we are all born in different situations & different places so we all learn different things. Each of us is unique with all the talents & attributes to be the person we are meant to be. Even the bad things that happen teach us & enable us to understand others. Lets embrace our individuality & respect other's uniqueness

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  20. Moonstruck
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    19 January 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Hey Happy Birthday to my Quirky friend. ......all good things and happy moments from now on Okay???

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  21. Guest8901
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    20 January 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Dear Quirky,

    Sending you belated happy birthday wishes for your 60th birthday yesterday.

    Really happy to read that you spend time with your children and their partners, and that you had a day of joy and kindness. You deserve it.

    Glad to hear you were able to keep the loud mouthed inner critic at bay too. They are the most pesky of creatures, arent they?

    Amanda

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  22. quirkywords
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    20 January 2018 in reply to Guest8901

    Thank you everyone for kind remarks.

    Do you find when you are centre of attention that your inner critic gets jealous and tries to drag you down, I am aware of this so I can counter attack. I find I get very sensitive on special occasions and get see rejection when there is none.

    Can anyone relate?

    Quirky

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  23. Guest_4810
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    20 January 2018 in reply to quirkywords
    My inner critic is the most quietest when I tell it to be quite.
    I see my IC as a very bad puppy who barks all the time. So hence I tell my bad puppy IC 'NO! Bad puppy, stop barking NOW.'
    Think of it! If we let our bad puppy take control of the house, then bad puppy will seen realise that bad puppy has rule over the owner.
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  24. quirkywords
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    20 January 2018 in reply to Guest_4810

    Welcome Townsville bob and thanks for your post.

    I like your idea of IC as a bad puppy.

    Bad puppies can be tamed if you are patient.

    Quirky

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  25. Peppermintbach
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    21 January 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Happy belated birthday, Quirky :)

    Sending you belated birthday well wishes ❤️

    Love,

    Pepper xoxo

  26. quirkywords
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    21 January 2018 in reply to Peppermintbach

    Thanks pepper. Just coming back to earth after a weekend away. So a bit flat today but I knew that and inner critic is being ignored.

    I was wondering whether anyone is like me in that I tend to believe critical things people say about me but not positive things.

    Is that my inner critic or low self esteem. I mean if I take on the negative I should take on the positive or ignore the negative and the positive. I suppose ideally I would analyse the critical comments, disregard ones that don't apply, and absorb the positive.

    What do others thinks? What role does the inner critic play in handling feedback good and bad?

    Quirky

    2 people found this helpful
  27. Mellyj
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    21 January 2018

    Hello I am new to all of this this is my first step into trying to understand why I am the way I am ...

    i struggle daily with my inner critic I never sleep because I can’t shut up about all of the things I have done that are shameful or embarrassing wondering if everyone thinks I’m a loser or if they hate me it’s truely exhausting

    I once was awake for 42 hours because I couldn’t sleep and shut off my brain from telling myself how much I hate myself

    I haven’t gone to see my gp about it because I’m hoping it will go away

    I was wondering if anyone on here is on medication and if it helps you? I’m desperate to find my happy and desperate to sleep again and desperate to love my life but I am so scared of judgement Id rather struggle and pretend I’m A ok than to get help in fear from people judging me

    i have tried mindfulness meditation and positive thinking it works for a little while but it’s just like taking panadol it eventually comes back I’m not even sure if this is the right place to post this ? Still working out this website apologies if this is the wrong place to post

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  28. quirkywords
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    22 January 2018 in reply to Mellyj

    Meelyj

    Welcome to the forum and thanks for your post. This is a friendly, supportive and nonjudgmental place to seek information and support.

    This is the right place to post to ask a specific question. If you decided you want more attention to your needs you may want to start your own thread .

    If you read different posts on this thread you will see ideas on how to clam your inner critic.

    I think having a talk to your doctor would help.

    It is hard trying to tame the inner critic whish is why I started this thread.

    Thanks for posting.

    Quirky

    2 people found this helpful
  29. Ggrand
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    22 January 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky,

    I will accept anyone's critical comment about me, but not accept a positive comment,

    My reasons I think is I'm not positive about myself, I am very critical with myself, if I want to do something and it goes wrong, my inner harsh critic tells me so, and doesn't hold back on the harsh words.

    On the other end of this scale, I have always seen myself as a disappointment in life. I think before we can genuinely accept positive feedback, we have to like ourselves and who we are.

    When I read or hear something someone said positive about me, my first reaction is embarrassment followed by guilt, because I can't see me like that. I think we see other people differently then we see ourselves.

    I think our life story/stories are the reason we see ourselves as we do.

    If we lived a good or privileged life and have been praised all our lives then I think we can accept positive feedback, but if we live a life of negativity and negative feedback all our lives that's how we see ourself and therefor can't accept positive feedback.

    Just my thoughts.

    Karen.

    1 person found this helpful
  30. quirkywords
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    22 January 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Karen,

    Thanks for your helpful comment. This is a fact not positive feedback.

    I do agree our upbringing and our life experiences can affect our ability to accept positive comment but not always.

    I had a loving family but I still find it hard to accept positive comments at times without thinking they don't really know me. Even on this forum when people say nice things I think they only see one side. I am aware and I do try to change.

    I also believe we all have the ability to change. I think if we keep the inner critic or our old ways of not thinking we deserve the nice comments people make, we will be stuck. You can always see the kindness and strength in others and I see that in you. I know it is painful for and for many on here but that gives me hope we can change. It wont happen overnight but gradually we will believe those positives and leave behind the shackels of out past that has imprisoned us in negativity.

    My thoughts . Karen I appreciate your posts as they make me think.

    Quirky

    2 people found this helpful

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