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Forums / Staying well / Talking to your inner critic, can it be tamed?

Topic: Talking to your inner critic, can it be tamed?

  1. Peppermintbach
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    23 January 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky and all,

    You’re most welcome :) Although it mustn’t have been pleasant during the post birthday come-down. Hopefully things have settled for you again, and if not, you’re always more than welcome to share with us here.

    Sorry, I don’t want to sidetrack the conversation but wanted to quickly get that in.

    So to bring things back on topic, I’ll copy and paste your latest question (and supporting text) :)

    Is that my inner critic or low self esteem. I mean if I take on the negative I should take on the positive or ignore the negative and the positive. I suppose ideally I would analyse the critical comments, disregard ones that don't apply, and absorb the positive.

    What do others thinks? What role does the inner critic play in handling feedback good and bad?

    Pepper xoxo

  2. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    23 January 2018 in reply to Peppermintbach

    Pepper,and everyone

    Thanks for your kind words. I am fine , I was hoping at my age I would be able to cope with the the post party let down but it always disappoints me.

    I know you worry about going off topic I feel your comments tie back to the topic anyway.

    After having a good time, sometimes our inner critic starts over analysing what has happened instead of letting us enjoy the moment,

    I do like what Karen said about how our background affects how we amalyse bad and positive feedback. What do others think?

    Quirky

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Guest8901
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    23 January 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky and all other contributors,

    I'm in complete agreement with what Karen said yesterday. Couldn't have said it any better.

    Amanda

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  4. quirkywords
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    23 January 2018 in reply to Guest8901

    Amanda

    I think it applies most of the time but not all time. It does not apply tom me. I had much love and positive comments yet I still focus on the negative. Maybe I am unique!.

    Growing up with negativity and verbal abuse I agree would make it very hard for people to accept positive comments without being wary.

    Quirky

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  5. Peppermintbach
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    23 January 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky and all,

    Thank you for the lovely post :)

    I wonder if your post-party blues (sorry, if that’s not the right term) has something to do with experiencing a sudden emotional “high” during your birthday celebration (i.e. you were with family, presumably received presents, etc) then suddenly you returned to daily life, which must have been a huge contrast and “comedown” from you emotional “high.”

    Even if you enjoyed daily life, I feel maybe the contrast between can really unravel some emotions...just my thoughts...

    Also I wanted to say thank you gratefully for your continued support. It really does mean a lot.

    I also see how active you are in supporting so many threads on the forum yet still somehow make time for me. I really appreciate it as I know you don’t have to do it but choose to do it and I’m really thankful for it

    You’re a very special, caring person. Big hearted, intelligent and beautiful ❤️

    Pepper xoxo

  6. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    23 January 2018 in reply to Peppermintbach

    Hello everyone,

    Thanks Pepper,

    I don't like being centre of attention and I don't socialise much so birthdays can be exhausting. Thats why I dont like parties.

    Anyway thanks for your kind words , I will try to accept the kind words. I appreciate your compassion helping others on the forum.

    The inner critic has to be fed and listened to for it to grow.

    What if we stop listening to the inner critic what would happen?

    Quirky

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  7. Peppermintbach
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    24 January 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky,

    Thank you, that makes sense. Thanks for explaining your feelings about birthdays and why you find them stressful.

    Anyway, I’ll let you people get on with your inner critic discussion :)

    Pepper xoxo

  8. Quercus
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    24 January 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky and all 😊

    Wow this discussion has been busy. And a new member too, awesome, hello Mellyj.

    I was thinking about not accepting positive feedback regardless of a loving upbringing. No Quirky you're not alone.

    I had a supportive upbringing too but what I learnt recently is in my mind positive feedback was always tied into negative feedback. So I don't trust the words anymore.

    Example? My mum would say all the nice comments about how I looked but then her actions said the opposite (buying me a wardrobe of new clothes two sizes too small as "incentive"). To me that negated her words.

    Although I know she loves me and would be upset if she knew I felt this way even now I don't always trust words.

    What do you think Quirky? Is it something like that?

  9. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    24 January 2018 in reply to Quercus

    Hello everyone,

    Quercus, that is an interesting question. I suppose I was praised for things I was good at but not for things where I struggled, like being messy and untidy. However my parents acknowledged I was no good at sport but I was a good sport and a good loser - well one had to be when one always lost or came last!!

    For me it is not trusting the positive because I feel I have fooled people and I know the truth about my flaws and my inner critic is saying you may have fooled them but you can't trick me.

    Not sure if that make sense.

    Obviously, the inner critic is me, but where did it come from. Forgive me if I repeat myself .

    When did you first notice your inner critic- was it at a particular time/incident, moment in your life or can you not recall a time with out Inner/harsh critic?

    Quirky

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  10. Elizabeth CP
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    24 January 2018 in reply to quirkywords
    Hi Nat Your comment My mum would say all the nice comments about how I looked but then her actions said the opposite (buying me a wardrobe of new clothes two sizes too small as "incentive" is an example of how praise can be destructive. If you only get positive comments particularly if they are clearly untrue then you stop believing them which means you never really hear/believe anything positive. On the other hand Quirky knew she was bad at sport but it was given a positive spin ie You are a good loser. With my parents I always believed that they were telling the truth as they saw it so if they said they appreciated me doing something for them I knew they really did. They weren't afraid to acknowledge the negatives eg I'm hopeless at typing, art & sport but as far as my parents were concerned that didn't matter because there were so many things I was good at eg maths. This meant I felt safe & accepted at home. Wish I felt that way outside of home!!! I remember mum being concerned re my weight( I was significantly underweight for my age & height) but it was not made into a big issue but rather something she wanted to keep an eye on so it didn't become a problem. It came across as her wanting me to remain healthy & well not as there being something wrong with me.
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  11. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    24 January 2018 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    Hello everyone,

    Thanks Elizabeth,

    As a mum of adult children I know how hard it is and sometimes my words well meaning and positive are misconstrued.

    My youngest is shy and when he went for an interview I said I would help him with interview questions. he saw this as being unable to accept he was shy. I thought I was helping and I said I knew he was clever and right for the job but the one word answers he sometimes give would may be seen as being not interested. I suppose I acknowledged his shyness but was encouraging him for the interview.

    So sometimes we try to help our children and it does not work. I am sure I could have handled it better.

    My inner critic had a field day telling me what a mean uncaring mum I was.

    Quirky

  12. Sad_Mushroom
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    24 January 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    HI,

    OK...so this is why I think I am odd.

    If my mother (or father) ever had the balls to comment or buy me stuff I would have lost the plot.

    I know I was born like this and will die like this. Nothing 'caused' it. I was born like this. There is a part of my brain that does not function and empathy is one of the parts. My brain does not produce serotonin but makes extra adrenaline. So I get excited but have no idea when to stop.

    Anyone telling me to stop causes issues. Yet I can if my kids are there. So I must have some control.

    My anxiety was caused from this adrenaline boost. I do not have a fight or flight I just have a fight. I get scared and I just fight. I know I learnt that after being bashed too many times.

    SM

  13. Elizabeth CP
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    24 January 2018 in reply to quirkywords
    We have to remember we are human & so are all the other people we deal with. We do our best but we can't guarantee how the other person will react. As long as we do our best & if we realize someone has misinterpreted our words or actions do our best to explain ourselves & apologise for the unintentional hurt caused.
  14. quirkywords
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    24 January 2018 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    Hello everyone,

    Sadmushroom, thanks for your comment. You are not odd, everyone does things differently.

    Elizabeth, I like your words- If we realise someone has misinterpreted our words and actions do our best to explain ourselves and apologise for the unintentional hurt caused.

    Thanks

    Quirky

    ,

  15. quirkywords
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    26 January 2018 in reply to Elizabeth CP

    I keep thinking about the power I give my harsh critic.

    a friend had not replied to my emails or texts or calls for a while and I started to think maybe I had upset her, maybe she did not want to stay in contact.

    It turned out she had change email address and phone number but forgot to tell me.

    I rushed to the wrong conclusion instead of thinking logically.

    Why do I listen the inner critic instead of a logical answer? Does anyone else do this?

    Quirky

    2 people found this helpful
  16. Moonstruck
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    26 January 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Quirky....I would have had the same reaction.....its a bugger isn't it?.......xx

  17. quirkywords
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    26 January 2018 in reply to Moonstruck

    I know I always think of the worst possible scenario.

    Quirky

  18. Moonstruck
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    28 January 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    It occurred to me Quirky that my "inner critic" isn't ALL "my"inner critic -but made-up of smatterings of other people's actual critical comments and well meaning "advice" over probably many years.. e.g. just now tests show I am anaemic (not the first time) very low blood pressure, made worse by the extreme heat. I am so very tired all the time and want to lie down and read, or rest, or listen to tapes.

    Realised my inner critic is not only having a go herself, but repeating things that have actually been said to me in the past ...things like...."You need to get out of the house more - keep busy, that is the best thing to do - don't waste the day away - clean up the house for a start, that'll make you feel better - go for a walk you'll feel better". So I feel guilty if I rest, when that is what my body is telling me to do. My inner critic says I am being lazy and non-productive if I do.

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  19. quirkywords
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    28 January 2018 in reply to Moonstruck

    Hello everyone

    Moon,

    Thanks for sharing that insight.

    I think our inner critics are a mixture of thoughts we believe about ourselves and our insecurities and as you say, sayings that other people have said over the years and have remembered.

    I know my parents use to say how clumsy I am (and would also say how creative I was etc) so that if I drop something now I just here on repeat tape how clumsy I am and how I always break things and should only be given plastic. It is so entrenched I now feel it is my personal belief and it is how I describe myself.

    Also with my medication I have a light tremor so I do drop things.

    Moon, can you now that you understand where these sayings come from, tell yourself you are unwell and need to rest? Or do you see yourself as being lazy?

    Quirky

  20. Music_Freak
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    29 January 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Commenting to follow this thread.

    I will be back later on after reading (not a good day/week - don't want to overload my brain too much).

    Thanks Nat (Quercus) for directing me here, hopefully I find it insightful :)

    1 person found this helpful
  21. quirkywords
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    29 January 2018 in reply to Music_Freak

    Welcome music_freak,

    I can relate to overloading the brain too much. Comment when you feel up to it. I am just looking at how our inner critic works and how to tame it. People have offered different ideas that work for them.

    Thanks again for dropping by.

    Quirky

    2 people found this helpful
  22. quirkywords
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    30 January 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi everyone

    I am wondering if talking to my inner critic or writing letters to it really helps?

    I have a friend who thinks all my preoccupation with my inner critic makes things worse as she just ignores hers?

    What do you think?

    Quirky

  23. Quercus
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    30 January 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky,

    I think the only thing that matters is what YOU feel.

    Ok your friend ignores her critic. Great. Good for her. That doesn't mean it works for you. Does talking about it help you? Does analysing and experimenting help you? If not then stop and if it does continue. Each to their own.

    I think this discussion is very helpful. The key thing I get from it is I'm not alone. That as happy as others may seem from my point of view they too have demons just like me.

    The big question... Is talking about your critic helping you?

  24. quirkywords
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    30 January 2018 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Quercus,

    I am not sure if it helps talking about it, but I like thinking and analysing and I like hearing how other people cope and their ideas.

    I think my inner critic is here for the long run but I am getting stronger and also know I am not alone.

    I think it is an important discussion because I think some people are not even aware they have this critic they just believe their negative thoughts but by naming the inner critic we can learn how to cope.

    So I suppose it helps me feel better about myself in some ways.

    I am always interested in how other people cope.

    So would like to know how people can soften and lessen the negative voice of the inner critic?

    Quirky

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  25. quirkywords
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    1 February 2018 in reply to Quercus

    I wonder if I blame my inner critic for everything that goes wrong. Today was not a good day for me and my inner critic was no where to be seen. I am ok now but I think being over tired affects me more than my inner critic.

    Can anyone relate to that or have any other ideas?

    Quirky

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  26. quirkywords
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    3 February 2018 in reply to Quercus

    Hello everyone,

    If you could ask your inner critic one question what would it be?

    Maybe people are finding in summer time their inner critic is vey quiet.

    Quirky

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  27. Quercus
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    4 February 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky 😊

    Are you doing ok? What made today such a hard day if that's ok to ask.

    My critic has been having a field day stomping on my ego and generally being her usual bully self. Today wasn't a good day. I listened to my critic a lot.

    Ah tired. Lack of sleep is not worse than my critic for me... It just lets her take control. Same goes for being hungry. Worrying about finances. Gaining weight. All the usual stresses that open the door for the critic with a megaphone.

    My question for my critic is not really much of a question but it works for me...

    SO WHAT?

    Critic puts me down. Catastrophises.

    I say who cares? So what?

    Critic keeps building the drama. You'll gain weight. He'll think you're hideous. He won't be attracted. He won't love you anymore. He'll leave. He'll take the kids. You'll be alone....

    Eventually it becomes ridiculous. I'd be alone? No because they are my babies and I have a right to see them. I have friends and family. Plus he's held my hand while I screamed and puked on his shoes. And seen me unable to walk. A few kgs is not going to worry him.

    I hope you can find some relief Quirky. Please take care of you!

    ❤ Nat

  28. quirkywords
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    4 February 2018 in reply to Quercus

    Hello everyone.

    Quercus you always raise some interesting questions no issues.

    My bad day was a few days andI really can't remember much just a few things upset me then partner did not understand how I felt, or more that he doesnt want that Quirky around and neither do I, she is so demanding!. All fine now but scares me ifI really became ill he would not cope and my inner critic then eminds me of all the horrible things I have done in my past and how you would expect anyone person to cope.

    I am not sure i would say So what?but I like the attitude.

    Don't worry about me, I think I use the forum sometimes not that often just to express an emtion and hope others may relate. We all have not goo days.

    Kind thoughts

    Quirky

    2 people found this helpful
  29. quirkywords
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    6 February 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Hello all

    I often think we sometimes are our own worst enemies but refusing to see th goodness others see in us and constantly being negative to our selves or only believing the negative side. This thread is a bout talking to your inner critic,butI feel now if we believe the kindness that other see in us that horrible inner critic would be crushed.

    So often I see people on this forum saying wonderful things about others but not believing one kind thing said about them. I have done this and keep wondering why I continue to do it.

    So how would you feel if we started to take on board the kindpoints others notice in us so that our inner critic would be silenced .

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  30. Moonstruck
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    6 February 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    I read something recently, either on a website I was browsing, or maybe even from someone on Forum....

    "treat yourself as if you were someone whose care and well-being you were totally responsible for".....


    1 person found this helpful

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