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Forums / Staying well / This bipolar life

Topic: This bipolar life

  1. Kazzl
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    13 August 2016 in reply to Airies

    Hi Len, how are you mate? How did the DBT assessment go?

    I've had a bad few days, a lot of stress at work triggering anger and frustration and distress. I know when it's coming and I feel it building but I haven't worked out how to manage it, nor how to manage my mouth. I've said some things I shouldn't have (I was right, but it's not good form in the public service to be direct and honest). I don't cope well with power games or sucking up or control plays that muck other people around, and unfortunately when I see it happening, I call it. Wish I could just shut up. I so wish I could retire but I'm at least five years away from that.

    Part of me wants to be unmedicated and let my mind be whatever it is, but the other part knows that would be a career ending move. Maybe I should be more medicated till I don't feel anything.

    Whatever, I think I need to speak with my doc about something to control the frustration. Any suggestions? Has anyone tried PRNs or benzo (I know that's more for anxiety).

    Hope you have a good weekend Len.

    Cheers all

    Kaz

  2. Missing user
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    13 August 2016 in reply to Kazzl

    Hi Kaz. Sorry to read that its been a tough week for you with work frustrations. Oh well you now have a weekend off. Have you been watching much of the Olympics? What are your favourite sports? How are your 2 dogs?

    Havent seen you around much, and the fact that you've had a bad week probably explains why. You missed a good party at the Cafe last night! Perhaps you'll find the chance to call in over the weekend, its a Rio Olympic Celebration party and games on all weekend. (-:

    Hoping things improve again for you soon. When was the last time you visited your Doc? Maybe its time for a bit of a review, and you can discuss how everything is going now that some of the other medications would be settling.

    Thinking of you Kaz my friend. Big hug to you.

    Sherie xx

  3. Kazzl
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    13 August 2016 in reply to Missing user

    Aaahh my lovely friend Sherie. Seeing you has made me smile. Thank you so much hun. A big hug back to you. xx

    I haven't seen much of the Olympics - I've been doing long hours at work and coming home and sleeping. I'm so fortunate that I can sleep easily. It's my favourite pasttime at the moment. But I have to say my favourite team at the moment is the Fijian rugby sevens! Even The Pom was happy for them haha.

    Sorry I missed the party - I'll try to pop in to the cafe over the weekend. There's so much activity there I can't keep up, but I read when I can.

    I see my doc every month because I have to have the lithium levels monitored. I'll talk with her about other medications when I go next, which is soon. I'm also due to start with a psych soon once I get through the busiest time at work and can get time to go.

    I hope all is well with you hun, I'm sorry I've not been able to keep track. Must be getting nice in your part of the world? Still cold here but the wattle's out and a trees are going to blossom soon. Promise of spring!

    Hey! What about our Raiders eh! Aren't they doing well!

    Love ya hun

    Kaz

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  4. Missing user
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    13 August 2016 in reply to Kazzl

    Glad I gave you a smile. (-:

    I totally understand about keeping up with some of the threads, if you arent able to check every day, you just get lost. So dont let it worry you.

    Oh ... I was so happy about the Fiji Rugby 7's team! And werent they just so humble and beautiful when accepting their gold medals from Princess Anne? Beautiful ... beautiful.

    True too about the mighty Canberra Raiders. They are still my team, and they have been really good this year. Do you think they can beat Melbourne Storm this weekend? Oh .. I would love to see them go all the way.

    Hope you have a restful and stress free weekend.

    Love to you.

    Sherie xx

  5. Airies
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    13 August 2016 in reply to Kazzl

    Hi Kazz,

    hope you having a better day.The assessment went well. apparently I did the assessment at the start of the year, attended 1 session and then withdrew from the program. My memory of this is very vague at best.was at my darkest back them, lithium toxic and before I began my Ect treatment which has erased much.i found it pretty taxing afterwards. Bit like a delayed reaction. Requiring a few nights of 12-14 sleep beforehand and the same for a few nights since. Not helped by getting bombardment from vicsuper/amp in doing paperwork , answering questions about my depression for claim.I burnt out back in 2011, ceased full time employment, tried another career and then returned to previous field,as a casual in a lesser role and struggled to do a shift per week. Anyway the chap on the other end of the phone was understanding but had no idea.i had it all documented but he wanted to hear it from the horses mouth.So today I awoke up at 10:00, fed the dog, planned to go in the garden,shelved those plans, still in my pyjamas on the couch here on forum and olympics in the background.Kazz I dont miss the Public Sevice one bit,hope all goes well at the quacks . roll on Spring, it's a lovelly time of year. I'm a passionate gardener, spending a few hours daily when I can tidying the yard up after a year of neglect.Have a great weekend,

    cheers Len

  6. Kazzl
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    13 August 2016 in reply to Airies

    Hi Len, good to hear from you. I didn't realise you were a public servant. Well, you understand then - it does things to people.

    Hey, nothing wrong with a pyjama day when the Olympics are on! That's what we're supposed to do isn't it? UnAustralian not too 😄.

    Think it's going to be nice weather tomorrow - maybe a little time outside? Won't be long and we'll be able to lose ourselves in the spring planting Len. Can't wait.

    Cheers

    Kaz

  7. Loula
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    20 August 2016

    Hi Guys,

    I have bipolar and going through pure hell at moment. The Deppresion OMG it sucks! The not being able to do daily tasks sucks! Having to actually think now how will this task effect me sucks! It just sucks!!!

    I decided to go back on lithium as I've been doing it in my own strength for 9 months but I'm now in a situation in a new job where I can get where I want to be professionaly and I thought I'm not stuffing this up. I'm going to be a winner!

    BIG mistake!!! Im home from work sick! I have all the symptoms to early stage lithium posioning!!!

    I worked on it all week with people coming up to me going you don't look well, your pale, your making silly mistakes. Then the security guard came up to me and said I've been watching you and your zoning in and out. Your eyes are going from focused to space non stop. Did you go out drinking or something. I go to reply to him and get half a sentence out and then start slurring my words and went to space and started blacking out. He was really concerned and then it hit me I didn't have these symptoms last time. I went to the bathroom and googled it and yep go to hospital.

    So I called my doctor and saw him. He's like you look bad stay off them we are doing tests and you ain't working. Well actually more doctors came in to check up on me. I haven't got my results back but I believe I was in the early stages. So that makes my work think less of me. I looked like I was drunk all week.

    Im now really scared to try a new med but im scared not to be on meds.

    Have any of you had better luck with other meds. I'm just slightly panic attacking knowing regardless witch way I go I'm going to be out of it at work :(

  8. Kazzl
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    21 August 2016 in reply to Loula

    Hi Loula - oh hun, what a horrible experience! Did you go straight onto a high dose of lithium? I started very low and have been gradually building up. I've had some side effects but nothing as bad as you've described. I had brain fog for a while and nausea, and still have a bit of cognitive deficit (mainly poor memory and sometimes loss of words). Were you on lithium before?

    Sounds like a different drug might be best for you - don't give up on medication altogether. Unfortunately it takes time to get the meds right but there are others you and your doctor can try. Your GP might decide to refer you to a psychiatrist and that could be a good idea if you're having trouble with the meds. They are far more expert with medications than GPs (well that's what my GP told me anyways).

    Perhaps you can tell your workplace that you are having to take medication (no need to say what for) and that it's affecting you. People take meds for all sorts of things, they don't need to know.

    If you haven't already, maybe do some googling on different drugs for bipolar - there's a lot of information out there.

    Big hug to you hun

    Kaz

  9. Loula
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    21 August 2016 in reply to Kazzl

    Hey,

    Yes I have been on it before and the only reaction I got was dry mouth, food tasting strange, the taste of salt in my mouth and only having 5 seconds to get to the bathroom.

    But this time, I can't even lay straight as my belly is so upset, and just seriously in space but getting worse each day. And boohya last night I noticed I got a uti. So I'm slightly scared if it has attacked my kidney. Not fun passing blood.

    I went straight on 750mg. That's what I did last time.

    Ive told work earlier that I'm on a new medication and one of the side effects is needing to go the bathroom a bit more until I get ammuned to it. So if I'm off the floor a bit it's for a reason and they where great with that. Then when I felt at my worst I went and saw the big boss who was like you don't look good and have been acting weird and I told her I'm on a new medication and I've just called my doctor and they say I need to come in ASAP. I told her it looks like it's posioning me and I need to seek hell asap. She then was like how you getting home and I'm like public transport and she's like hell no you in your state can't get a train call your husband. Then when I called my boss to say I'm not allowed to work she's like that's ok you don't need to tell me what meds you are on just keep me updated if you need more time off. So I thought that was good they where not pushy.

    My GP sends me to my Phyc when he started to figure out I don't just have Deppresion. I just hate seeing him. I feel like a billion times worse. Hopefully my gp can figure something out good. Due to where my Deppresion is and not being medicated he's making me do a few more visits then normal.

  10. Airies
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    21 August 2016 in reply to Loula

    Hi Loula,

    there are other Meds out there that your medical experts can prescribe if medication doesn't work.i ended up n hospital due to toxicity and now on other meds.i think it was due to a combination of things Namelly rapid increase n dosage, lack of fluid intake on my part and not enough monitoring by my psych.all the best with your doctors visit.

  11. Loula
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    21 August 2016 in reply to Airies

    That's no good you ended up in hospital. I got zero clue why this time it made me sick. I'm drinking water, getting my tests done but well you know how it feels I was just getting worse. Lucky I haven't ended up in hospital. Came close to fainting many times but didn't. Be interesting to see what the bloods say.

    Did you feel really out of it or physically sick dehydrated if you don't mind me asking?

    I just hate the idea of having to try a new medication out. Having that weird feeling on it when you start something new and not knowing if it wil work or not.

    This will be my 6th meds they will be putting me on. Just a bit over it. I think I'm going to get a script but not start taking them until the lithium and weird feeling is out of my system and I can have a few days not feeling like I'm in space.

  12. Loula
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    21 August 2016 in reply to Kazzl

    Hey guys might be a bit of a personal question but how do you deal with being in a relationship with bipolar?

    Me personally I'm struggling. I feel so bad for my husband having to be married to me. He's a beautiful guy and deserves a person who he doesn't need to follow room to room making sure they don't anything silly. He deserves some one who can give him a family.

    I just feel like I'm holding him back. I love him so much I want him to enjoy his life and think it's better if I'm gone.

  13. Kazzl
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    23 August 2016 in reply to Loula

    Hi Loula - from what I read, this is a common question for people with bipolar. But it's the depressive side talking, not the reality. When these thoughts hit, we need to be extra careful and mindful - they can be the precursor to the 'they'd be better off without me' suicidal thoughts.

    There is no reason why a bipolar person can't be in a relationship with someone they love and who loves them. That's the reality. We have an illness. But we are still us. Would we think someone who is left disabled after a car crash should leave their partners because the partner 'deserves better'? Or someone diagnosed with diabetes?

    Share your fears and feeling with your husband hun. Let him in. What you're thinking are loving thoughts, but they are misdirected. He loves you. And you are not defined by this illness.

    Hugs

    Kaz

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  14. Airies
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    23 August 2016 in reply to Kazzl

    Hi Loula and Kazz,

    kazz has hit the nail on the head with regard to that's the depression talking.And again about communicating. I'm talking more and more to my wife as I become better.ive even given her permission to go. At times I question why she sticks with me. It's because she loves me through my ups and downs through thick and thin. It's been 31 since we walked down the aisle.And I love her. Your husband is sticking by you because he loves you and because you are worth it. Relationships are hard work.Being bipolar makes it a tad harder but we are worth it. Regarding meds I was physically sick and out of it for quite a while.To put it into context though I was very very unwell at the time. I don't like tinkering with my meds. They are prescribed and you need to take them. I know if I take extra, don't adhere to the times I pay a price am either bombed out and tired. In the perfect world we would be on no meds.But I need them and the Times I kid myself and cease taking them I crash physically and mentally. It's just a question of when.So with any changes in meds I listen to the dr and psych and take as prescribed.They take time to work and I know if they don't we will try an alternative medication. They are the experts

    regards Len

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  15. Airies
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    25 August 2016 in reply to Kazzl

    Hi Kazz,

    hope work isn't dragging you down. Haven't heard from you in a while.you ok.?Rubber stamped for DBT.. 3 months on emotional regulation for the first part.Fully booked and I'm doing 4 hours in the evening. I'm usually bushed by the evening or flying. Anyway it's supposed to be the bees knees. Onwards and Upwards as they say

    cheers Len

  16. ConfusionPersonified
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    26 August 2016

    Hello all

    Ive often dropped in anonymously here but never signed up...this is my very first time reaching out.

    Just yesterday I've been diagnosed with bipolar and while I've always secretly suspected it it's still come as quite a blow. I really don't know how to process this. On the one hand, I'm almost relieved to know my behaviour and feelings/thoughts have a label, though on the other I'm confused as to where my 'self' begins and ends and this disorder commences.

    I've confided in my mother today though I've always had an extremely strenuous relationship with as she had hidden her entire pregnancy with me, gave birth to me in a catholic institution for unwed mothers and willingly given me up to foster parents before her mother won the battle to get me back, so there was always a reluctance to see me which she rarely did as I grew up, so I'd often thought my depression was just a product of childhood trauma.

    She continued on to attempt suicide when I was a teen, and though she'll deny it now she at the time always made it very clear I was not wanted. This I've learned to deal with.

    My question to you is...how do I know what feelings I have are just mine, and what is my bipolar? How can I tell the difference? My mother has actually been very supportive after a year of no contact, but I'm so stubborn I don't want every reason I've been upset by others' behaviour to me to be invalidated because of their knowledge of this disorder?

    I have my own very justifiable reasons to be hurt by some people in my life, but Im starting to doubt every feeling I have now. How do you all deal with this confusion?!

    Thank you all, much love xx

  17. Kazzl
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    27 August 2016 in reply to Airies

    Hi Len, thanks for looking for me mate. I'm not real good at the moment. Think I'm about to be made redundant - I've been told there won't be a job for me once my current project is over. It's a big shock, and I'm not handling it well.

    I'm glad to hear about the DBT - really hope it goes well. Let me know how it progresses eh?

    Kaz

    xx

  18. Kazzl
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    27 August 2016 in reply to ConfusionPersonified

    Hi Confusion, welcome to beyondblue, and a special welcome to this thread. I was diagnosed in May after 15 years of treatment for clinical depression. Like you, I basically knew before the diagnosis, but it still rocked me. All your questions are very familiar to me ... I've turned myself inside out asking how much of me is me and how much is bipolar disorder.

    I also spend a lot of my thoughts now questioning myself - is what I think real or not, do other people think this or is it me being bipolar ... etc etc

    Wish I had an answer for you hun, but I haven't worked any of it out yet. I would recommend reading as much as you can though - information is important. There's an excellent blog out of the US called Bipolar Burble by Natasha Tracy - worth a read.

    Stick around Confusion, maybe we can work some of this cruel mystery out together.

    Kaz

  19. Missing user
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    28 August 2016 in reply to Kazzl

    Hi Kaz,

    I am really sorry to hear the news of your likely redundancy, as I know your work has been important to you. For all sorts of reasons.

    I'm not in a great place myself either lately, so probably not able to offer much support. I only wish I could. But if there is a good side to the decision, it could mean you are better able to concentrate on your own treatment and wellbeing. And the other is that you will have more time to spend with all of us here? We are the fortunate ones if that proves to be the case. (-:

    So I am thinking of you and offer you a big hug.

    Sherie xx

  20. Airies
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    28 August 2016 in reply to Kazzl

    Hi Kazz,

    so sorry to hear that. Talk about when it rains it pours, hopefully one door shuts another one opens. I feel for you. I haven't worked for a year but that was a decision my wife and I made together. I'm getting over the guilt of not working. Your health is number one. I was forced into early retirement due to my bipolar, depressive episodes and so on.Work Places can be so ruthless these days. Theres no reward for loyalty these days. I hope things improve in the near future

    regards Len xx

  21. white knight
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    28 August 2016 in reply to Airies

    Hi confusion personified, welcome

    Your bipolar is part if you. Your personality is part of you. The total package is ..you.

    Stephen Fry said this. You can google his quotes. As he said, if he was cured tomorrow he'd feel like he's lost himself.

    So, you can't take a leap forward with this new development by not analysing it and building confidence. Every morning look in the mirror and tell yourself what a good person you are. Program your day ahead with a smile.

    I wrote an article ...Google...Topic: depression are there any positives- beyondblue

    The good news from me anyhow, is that there can be a sweet spot regarding medications. Its taken me a while but with mood stabilisers and a small dose of AD's I'm OK.

    I also found several of life's factors play a role...google this please...Topic: be radical- beyondblue

    Again, a warm welcome here. Its a great anonymous place.

    Tony WK

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  22. Kazzl
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    29 August 2016 in reply to Airies
    Thanks Len and Sherie xxx
  23. blondguy
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    29 August 2016 in reply to Kazzl

    Hey Kaz

    I feel the pain you have been going through. I wont give any advice from a guy thats in the same boat. You have my full support Kaz

    (Hug) if thats okay of course. Paulxx

  24. Kazzl
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    1 September 2016 in reply to blondguy

    Thanks Paul - I'm always up for a hug!

    If any of my buddies can spare some positive thoughts today I'd be grateful if you send them my way. I have the first meeting about redundancy this afternoon. I'm feeling OK this morning but expect that will change. I was fighting off the anger last night, and I really hope I can get through this in a calm way.

    Love to all

    Kaz

  25. Kazzl
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    2 September 2016 in reply to Kazzl

    I'm fighting the urge to hide and make my world really small again. I got through yesterday's meeting OK, a few tears, but at least I didn't shred anyone. I wanted to, but I am going to need references from these people.

    Today I just want the world to go away and leave me alone. Got to face it though.

    Love to all

    Kaz

  26. Ozwarriorchic
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    28 September 2016 in reply to Kazzl

    Hi Kaz

    So sorry to hear about your work issues. I've been through a few retrenchments myself over the years and they never get easier. Good onya for holding back on the shredding, its not easy I know. Keep your chin up and just vent on here if you need to. Always happy to lend an ear. If you need any advice just shout out.

    Ozzy x

  27. Kazzl
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    28 September 2016 in reply to Ozwarriorchic

    Hi Ozzy, thank you, that's so kind.

    Things have moved quickly since I posted here last. I finish work this Friday. I've had to have some time off since I was told about it, haven't handled it very well and my doctor told me to stay home. I saw my psych yesterday and she was a real help, especially helping me to not take it personally. Now that I've accepted it, I just want it to be over so I can move on.

    Sorry to hear you've been through it too Ozzy. It's crap eh. How did you handle it?

    Kaz

  28. MallowPuff
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    14 October 2016 in reply to Kazzl

    Hi Kazzl, all,

    Just poking my head in, as I seemed to have join the BP club this week, BP II mixed state.... been a hellish but fun last 6 months. Particularly after getting put on AD for sky high anxiety and depressive episodes. Only made it worse :(

    So I'm ramping up the mood stabilisers and found what may be a normal version of me, at times :) in between, like right now, the headphones are on, dance music load as it can be, as I feel like I could run a marathon right now! ( I am attempting Melb Mara on Sunday, arrrrgggh).

    saw you mentioned/questioned benzos earlier. I was perscribed them for my anxiety, but didn't like the experience, made me too fuzzy in the head, as well as the worry on dependence. In the end they were taken off me and my wife handed the responsibility of managing my medication. In my best interest...

    Anyway, doing lots of reading on BP. Plenty making sense, and even my wife is correlating my behaviour, some of it has been there a long time, I've just been better at coping/handling myself.

    So I'm glad I've found the forums, and I hope to learn more, and get 'better'....

    cheers

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  29. Kazzl
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    15 October 2016 in reply to MallowPuff

    Hi MallowPuff, welcome to the thread mate. It's good to meet you.

    I know what you mean about it making sense - I found that when I was diagnosed, suddenly so much of what what I'd been through in the past fell into place. Quite a revelation. For me it was a mixed blessing, still is really. I finally started to understand why I am like I am and why I've done certain things and thought certain ways. And that was comforting in a way, plus it meant I could get the right medication and treatment (which is going well for me now). And it provided something of an explanation for the times of deep depression for no apparent 'reason'.

    But it also brought up a lot of anger and regret - why didn't I know earlier, what might have been different in my life if I'd known. It made me realise that people I'd thought were so wrong in their thinking, times I'd been 'thwarted' with projects that I thought were utterly essential, times I'd pushed people into things because I was so convinced I was right, times I'd reacted badly to small things, flying into a boiling rage ... were my doing, my mistakes, my screwy thinking - bipolar hypomania.

    Initially the diagnosis made me extremely cautious - anytime I wanted to do something, anytime I felt good, or angry and frustrated, I analysed myself almost to a standstill. Is this me or this the bipolar? How do I know I'm right, how do I know this is a good idea, am I understanding what that person is saying or interpreting it through a bipolar filter? I started to doubt everything I thought.

    I still self-check a lot of my thinking, but since the treatment has settled in, and I've accepted being bipolar and all that comes with it, I am much better at getting on with life now.

    You are right to read up as much as you can - learning about the condition, especially the lesser-known or publicised aspects of it (the dailyness of it rather than the more dramatic high or low episodes) has really helped me.

    I'm only about six months ahead of you Mallow in terms of learning and accepting the diagnosis, so if there's anything I can share that might be useful, if you have any questions as you come to terms with this, please reach out. It's different for everyone of course, but I'm happy to share my experiences and what I've learned.

    Hey - the good news is, even with treatment, the happy highs can still happen. I'm still as silly as I've always been and sometimes that's loads of fun. 😊

    Very best to you my bipolar buddy

    Cheers

    Kaz

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  30. MallowPuff
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    18 October 2016 in reply to Kazzl

    " I analysed myself almost to a standstill. Is this me or this the bipolar?"

    Part of what is going on now, especially on a few 'issues' that I have trouble explaining, or even taking full responsibility for :( how do you accept your past actions, not knowing what state you were in, how much control you really had, and accept some really poor outcomes, without hating yourself so much that it really hurts. I don't do anger, not something I'm good at. I'm usually self confident, plow ahead, keep busy, or alternatively go into avoidance behavior. I don't get angry, don't like it, but all I do lately is get really angry at myself, and then fill with self hatred. It's paralyzing.

    Have I led the psychiatrist into this, I've read to much, was I looking for an excuse, to help dilute my responsibility. It can't really be Bipolar. I've certainly got problems, something going on. But sometimes I'm perfectly fine, I can pretend, or I forget any issues, I get on with life. Bipolar is a serious issue, but I've got enough chronic health issues I get to deal with, Psoriasis, Psoriatic Arthritis. Woe is me huh.

    But I'm still functioning, I'm a senior manager, leading people, I go to work each day, and yes it's a massive struggle, but if I was truely Bipolar, that couldn't work could it? Or am I just waiting for someone to say - "well yes it can, it just mean's you're strong and amazing and tough". I don't know.

    I've also just completed my first ever full running marathon on the weekend. I'd worked all year for this (loved my 'manic' running, hey lets go for a run, at least 20km, at 10pm at night, because I need to!), and 2 weeks ago I nearly called it all off.(there I am, trying label behavior, stupid labels, aren't all runners just like this anyway?).

    I should be celebrating, proud, but I feel angry, I've hurt people I love, I've lost my way. Today feels like a shitty black hole. I would normally go for a run right now, but that doesn't work when you're legs are still having trouble with stairs, and had about 6 hours sleep in the last 3 days.

    So I come here and rant. I've had enough reading, TMI, I don't know what applies. I don't feel like I'm serious enough to fit Bipolar, I feel like a fraud, riding on the coat tails of a serious condition.

    I'm going back to eating 10 choc Freddos for lunch and blame it on the mood stabilisers, no doing their job today huh.

    And in the background of my head "just pull yourself together, you're a smart guy, get on with it".

    2 people found this helpful

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