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Forums / Staying well / What is honesty and how does it affect your mental health?

Topic: What is honesty and how does it affect your mental health?

  1. quirkywords
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    30 December 2018 in reply to Doolhof

    Mrs D,

    i thought an app was an ailment when I first heard it. on my phone I have an audio thingy that I can record my voice. Sometimes when I don’t feel like writing I just talk into it and then later if I have said anything worthwhile I just transcribe it.

    When I am distressed my writing is illegible well to be honest it is at the best of times barely legible so messy and looks like a rat crawled over the page.

    So I need to sometimes to record my words. As I have said before I am tech challenge but recording one’s voice has been around since I was a child and long before that!!

    I also when upset have trouble writing words together but I can usually talk even if it is between tears.

    I went a bit off there on a tangent but I think being honest with oneself also means finding the way that suits us . I used to keep journals and when I look a them now I can barely read them which maybe a good thing..

    Thanks Mrs D , your post made me smile.

    Quirky

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Doolhof
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    30 December 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky,

    Since I had Chronic fatigue, my mind has been next to useless when it comes to grasping new ideas. Maybe it is partly due to mental health issues as well. I don't know. Either way, some modern technology has me stumped!

    Sometimes people look at me rather incredulously when I honestly tell them I have no idea what they are talking about in relation to some modern technology. That is okay. I can cope!

    One of my psychologists suggested recording stuff on the mobile phone but we never used that option in the end.

    When I was in the Country Fire Service, they had an app you could use to indicate if you were available to attend or not, it was quicker for me to drive to the station to see if I was needed!

    In the end my mind became so frazzled I had to be honest and admit I was more of a liability than a help as I forgot proper and safe procedures!

    So in relation to this thread, sometimes I have to be honest with myself and realise my capabilities do not always extend to what I would like to do. It also means I can at least try and then be honest if I don't understand, therefor being true to myself.

    ( that was certainly a bit of a waffle!)

    Cheers from Dools

  3. quirkywords
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    30 December 2018 in reply to Doolhof

    Hello all,

    I often start replying to someone then I realise I have misread totally!!

    Thanks goodness for my friend the delete button.

    You are not alone. My children roll their eyes and say oh mum. I have a photo of my grand daughter on my phone and my son wanted to know why I have not changed it. I said I liked it. I did not say I had no idea how to change the photo.

    The only reason I have a photo avatar is because my son did it.

    I have never learnt how to drive and most adults can and I used to feel down about that but it is what it is.

    I would rather know how to drive a car than how to use an audio app!!!!

    Quirky

    2 people found this helpful
  4. Skary Bill
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    3 January 2019

    I just love this thread, it's one of the things I find myself pondering from time to time. I can't claim to have read all 7 pages of it yet, but most of them and I will definitely be coming back to read it all.

    I came to realise about 20 years ago that I love and crave honesty. And that with few exceptions, basically everyone around me was at least a little dishonest on a daily basis. {For all the right reasons} How many conversations start with "How are you?" "Good thanks" The last person who told me that has crippling gout and is in agony. But our social convention is to put forward positivity, and so in an ironic twist, dishonesty is an integral component of polite conversation. For the most part, it's what people expect and what we give.

    However, since I began to struggle with my health, both mental and physical. I've found peoples inability to be honest to be a major disadvantage. All of the good people in my world are so busy tip-toeing around me, I can't even have a real conversation with them anymore. At some point I got to 146kg, and nobody bothered to mention, hey mate, you've let yourself go a bit.. lol.

    But alas, even when asked to do so. The people nearest to me just simply cannot offer me more honesty. They aren't appreciative of more honesty from me. And they can't look me in the eye and tell me what they really think or more importantly. What I really need to hear. And the problem with that for me is that my go-to move is avoidance. I'm not dealing with or solving my problems, I just avoid them. I'm doing it right now lol! And I wish I had the strength of character to face my demons instead of run from them.. But honestly.. I don't.

    So there it is. I can see the benefits of honesty and dishonesty. And I believe a lack of honesty continues to be a hindrance to my ongoing efforts to be healthier in both mind and body.

    3 people found this helpful
  5. quirkywords
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    4 January 2019 in reply to Skary Bill

    Hello all

    Welcome Sakarya Bill to this thread.

    I appreciate insights about honesty and thenoartnin plays in your health.

    I know at times when people have been honest with me I have not been ready to accept it so sometimes others just say positive things as they don’t want to upset people.

    I feel that many of us have as our go to movie, avoidance as it is easier to avoid or deny than face the reality.

    At least my writing your post you are being honest about your avoidance, if that makes sense.

    I have learnt from others on this thread is to learn to trust ourselves and the people we can trust to be honest with us.

    if someone had mentioned your weight how would you have responded?

    When I was manic and people said I was spending too much or taking too many risks , I would get angry as I was not ready to accept the truth. I think we have to be in a place to accept honesty .

    I wonder if people feel we are not ready do they then just say what we want to hear?

    When I first started this thread I did not realise all the complexities and nuances involve different in honesty. I thought you were either honest or you were not.

    thanks again Bill for your post which has highlighted some important issues.

    Quirky

    1 person found this helpful
  6. quirkywords
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    7 June 2019 in reply to Skary Bill

    hello everyone,

    Just thought I would come back here and ask a question that friend asked me.

    If you knew something about a friend’s partner, not infidelity, but something you feel they should know, would you tell them ?

    So my friend feels not telling her friend is causing her anxiety to worsen but worries if she dies tell her friend may be angry for intruding into her personal life.

    It is one thing to be honest yourself and to others but do we have a right to tell others a truth we know when we may not know all the facts.

    Quirky

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  7. Paw Prints
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    8 June 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    Dear Quirky,

    I think it would depend on what it is she knows & how she came by that information. Also how close a friendship they shared.

    I have told a friend something about her new partner at that time which I had observed & knew she would not want to hear. She could accept I was telling her because I was concerned for her well being, but at that time she couldn't accept what I told her. She made excuses for his behaviour & believed his lies. It didn't damage our friendship & so I was there for her when she accepted the truth & left him.

    I would have felt I had failed her as a close friend if I had stayed silent.

    Paw Prints

    2 people found this helpful
  8. quirkywords
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    9 June 2019 in reply to Paw Prints

    Hello everyone,

    Thanks Paw Prints,

    I am glad that worked out ok with your friend and you and it didn’t affect your relationship.

    when I was in a cahalric relationship people were always telling me to leave which made me dig my heels in and stay longer. that is slightly different as I knew the truth I just was in denial.

    Once again thanks for your contrubution.

    Quirky

    2 people found this helpful
  9. Quercus
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    12 June 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky,

    Unfortunately I'm warts and all honest mostly, so keeping something like that to myself would be exhausting.

    That said I wouldn't approach my friend first, I'd probably approach the partner and tell them I'm uncomfortable keeping their secret from my friend because it is something that they should know. I'd give them the chance to fess up first.

    Once (after finally scraping enough courage to leave a bad relationship) the floodgates opened and finally family and friends spoke up. They said they were afraid to push me away. But they did anyway because I felt so embarrassed that behind my back they all knew and spoke to eachother.

    Part of me felt I didn't matter enough.

    So I speak up to remind people I'd rather risk losing your friendship than see you get hurt unnecessarily.

    3 people found this helpful
  10. quirkywords
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    13 June 2019 in reply to Quercus

    Quercus,

    thanks for your reply.

    I really like this sentence you write and your honesty and courage.

    “So I speak up to remind people I'd rather risk losing your friendship than see you get hurt unnecessarily.”

    I suppose my situation was opposite of yours in that everyone told me to leave and I deserved better but I ignored them as I didn’t want their pity. I did not see that they cared about me I felt they were interfering. So it can be hard to know how someone will react. I can see now I was in denial .

    Quirky

    1 person found this helpful
  11. demonblaster
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    13 June 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    Hi Quirky and everyone ☺

    It's a difficult situation.

    I like the replies. Quercus hi darl ☺ would speak to the other person first is a good approach and they'd I think feel obliged to speak up or pull there head in at least knowing that the persons going to find out

    I agree with our lovely Paws too hiya ☺ a great deal depends on the relationship with the person. It'd be a great shame to lose a friendship over trying to do right by them although how good is the friendship if they can't see the good intentions and appreciate true friendship.

    A very loved friends partner said a very derogatory comment about my friend and said don't repeat it.

    It hurt/s like hell the fact that a long term very loving partner said it about her and hearing it. He/they were under maximum stress I know he was venting out. Certainly shouldnt have said it but he did.

    There's no way in the world I'll repeat it because there's no way I can think that it'd be constructive for her to know in fact it'd be majorly destructive for no gain to her.

    I do both of what Paws and Quercus do but it depends on the situation like this. If he ever said similar again I'd give him a mouthful but as mentioned there's little worse what stress they were under. Doesn't make it right but is a reason and I know his love for hers very strong and genuine. Trouble is I wear it.

    I wonder if the friend chooses to say something if she put it in writing cause it sounds like she's not going to like it and as soon as words are said interruptions ? temper etc there's a better chance of being heard fully on paper.

    Always Quirky you're a great conversationalist and you do interesting threads. Thank you and for being the lovely person you are

    Hope you're well... everyone.

    Take care peeps 🌹

    1 person found this helpful

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