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Forums / Staying well / Worried about other users - how are we all doing?

Topic: Worried about other users - how are we all doing?

  1. White Rose
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    12 August 2017 in reply to startingnew

    It does take time and I am very pleased you are managing this. I learned the same lesson, though for me it was answering emails. They sure came back to haunt me.

    Mary

  2. Dr Kim
    Health professional
    • Health professional
    Dr Kim avatar
    479 posts
    21 August 2017

    Hi all,

    I was looking through these posts and wanted to add a couple of thoughts in self care and in how to be most effective to people in need .

    One important point was touched on in one of the posts - the point on just being there and allowing the person in need to feel that someone is TRYING to understand them . You don't have to nail it , you don't have to have sage advice , you don't have to have awesome solutions but you do need to bring your ears and your empathy.
    I find this helpful as for many people there are no simple or easy answers - so you are going to really feel awful if you expect yourself to solve stuff for them. However just about everyone can use an ear to really listen to their story and a heart to really try and understand their hurt .

    Which brings me to the second point. If you are not in the position to listen with an open heart to someone's story, best not to put yourself in the position of trying to do it, as you will feel awful and the person may also wonder if it's their story that is the problem.

    So the advice to take a break and only support others when you feel up to it is important and also responsible.
    I had the opportunity to meet some of the community champs who post on the forum recently and I was struck by their integrity, their generosity and also their ability to know their strengths and their weaknesses. It's such an generous and kind act to support others in need but it is also vital to know ones limitations especially when dealing with fragile people.

    There is much safe advice here on that self care and it is great that it is an open topic .

    I often use the metaphor that if an airplane's air pressure drops, you are asked to fix your own oxygen mask first BEFORE helping others to fix theirs .

    9 people found this helpful
  3. startingnew
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    startingnew avatar
    5860 posts
    21 August 2017 in reply to Dr Kim
    thanks for the extra tips Dr Kim
    1 person found this helpful
  4. Guest_9809
    Guest_9809 avatar
    1676 posts
    21 August 2017 in reply to Dr Kim

    Yes, I agree with startingnew - good sound advice and I thank you Dr Kim. I think I need to heed your advice!

    Taurus

    3 people found this helpful
  5. startingnew
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    startingnew avatar
    5860 posts
    24 August 2017

    what if you have written a post and think it was the wrong thing to say?

    what do you do then?

    2 people found this helpful
  6. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    10547 posts
    24 August 2017 in reply to startingnew

    Dear Startingnew~

    Obviously one tries to post so that at least it does not hurt others. I guess there might be an occasion where things came out the opposite of what you meant or you realized later it was harmful.

    You could of course post again and explain what you realty meant.

    Under some circumstances, if the matter is indeed serious, you could report your own post using the Report Post link top right in every post and in the resulting message area tell the Moderators of the problem and leave it to them to make a judgment and take action if they feel it appropriate.

    While I do not think this would be a good thing to do often I'm sure they would understand in an emergency.

    I hope this helps

    Croix

    2 people found this helpful
  7. startingnew
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    startingnew avatar
    5860 posts
    24 August 2017 in reply to Croix

    Thanks Croix

    I havent done anything harmful that required the report post but i have jumped a few times and it came out totally wrong. Even after reading it twice. Ive posted and then othershave posted and ive totally misinterpreted what that member has said

    I felt really bad about it sometimes wish i could edit it.

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Guest_829
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Guest_829 avatar
    38 posts
    24 August 2017 in reply to Dr Kim
    i agree with what you and i'm not too fussed if someone wants to jump right in and give me some advice or offer some insight into their own lives.i find any response worthy and just appreciate that someones around.im not bothered if someone hasnt got perfect grammar or isnt word perfect.for me its one of the best feelings knowing you all are sometimes on here,helping.theres still loads of great people in the world
    4 people found this helpful
  9. startingnew
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    startingnew avatar
    5860 posts
    23 September 2017 in reply to startingnew

    hi guys

    im in need of some advice regarding being here and triggering posts

    im wondering how others deal better. i have given my tips about restraining from posting and the tips ive given others ive taken on board myself but i talk to this person quite a fair bit, the post was going well then right at the end of it, it really triggered me. i can handle the other content and can respond accordingly but i cant seem to get back to that thread. they arent even aware they triggerred me and i feel really bad because of it

    any tips?

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    10547 posts
    23 September 2017 in reply to startingnew

    Dear SN~

    In an ideal world there would be an answer you could use straight away to fix this problem, unfortunately it does not always work out like that.

    Sometimes you have to wait until either circumstances or the way your mind thinks about things changes. I'm in the situation where I avoid a thread I made several months ago, too confronting.

    You, I and the others here help where we can - but it is where we can, not everywhere.

    Please don't push ourself too much. you do an awful lot already

    Croix

    2 people found this helpful
  11. startingnew
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    startingnew avatar
    5860 posts
    23 September 2017 in reply to Croix

    hi Croix

    i went back to the thread and just posted what i wanted to post. i didnt reread that post, just wrote what i wanted to and got out of there

    thanks for your help

    1 person found this helpful
  12. Chris B
    Community Manager
    • Works for beyondblue managing these forums. Not a mental health professional, but here to help. Email: christopher.banks@beyondblue.org.au
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Chris B avatar
    1757 posts
    11 October 2017
    Hi everyone - just giving this thread a little bump.

    Following on from SN's comments above, we often have situations come up on the forums where members are providing support for others, and over time, start to become uncomfortable with where the conversation is going. They can feel stuck at this point, especially if they want to leave the conversation.

    If this happens to you, it is perfectly ok for you to withdraw from the conversation if you don't feel comfortable.

    If you feel like taking things a step further, then you can be honest and say you are no longer comfortable with the conversation, and why.

    Peer support is a two-way street. Unlike a therapy relationship, your feelings and experiences in a conversation are just as important and valid as the person you're talking to. Everyone posting here listens as well as speaks - that's how productive conversations are built and it's a good model for managing relationships in your offline life.

    Feedback like this can be really helpful for a person. We rely on feedback from others around us to navigate our way through the world every day and evaluate our actions, and here on the forums it is no different.

    If you're worried about the person reacting badly to your feedback, remember we run a safe and respectful space here and moderators will step in quickly if anything inappropriate is said.

    Respectful honesty is the key.
    6 people found this helpful
  13. Guest_128
    Guest_128 avatar
    2143 posts
    12 October 2017 in reply to Chris B

    Hi Chris,

    Thankyou that was very helpful,thanks.

    Hope you are well,

    Dory

    1 person found this helpful
  14. Chris B
    Community Manager
    • Works for beyondblue managing these forums. Not a mental health professional, but here to help. Email: christopher.banks@beyondblue.org.au
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Chris B avatar
    1757 posts
    6 February 2018
    Hi everyone, another bump to the thread on a related topic.

    How do you know if it's time to take a break from the forums?

    The short answer to this question is if you find the forums are distressing or upsetting you more than they are making you feel better.

    If you're not sure, try this experiment the next few times you log on. Rate your depression and/or anxiety on a scale of 0 to 10, and write down the number. When you log off, rate it again. Is the number higher?

    If you find the number is regularly higher when you log off, then the forums are probably not working for you - that's ok, forums are not for everyone. Like any intervention, sometimes they can work for a time and then be less effective. Give our support service a call to talk over some other options.

    Sometimes you might need to take a break for a short while. This is ok too, but if you decide this is what you need, then stick to it - sometimes we see members post saying they're going to take a break, but then keep posting.

    These posts are often followed by other members replying and urging the member to stay. If someone is saying they need a break, respect their decision and support it. Imploring someone to stay when they've said they need a break can make them feel guilty and obligated to please the community rather than look after their own needs.
    4 people found this helpful

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