I wanted to welcome you to the forum and to say how proud I am of you for reaching out here today...which is actually a third option and the best one out of the three, that you have come here, to chat, to share how much pain you are in and that you are really struggling right now. Suicide is never an option, while it might feel like there is no hope right now and that all roads lead to this or alcohol, can I say that even though it seems so dark, there is light, there is hope and the fact you are here talking with us I hope you can feel one little glimmer of light.
I care so much about you, I am here to sit with you through this time, to let you know you are not alone and that I am here to listen to whatever it is you would like to share. I know it is so very hard to get to see your doctors when you need to so I hope that you can lean on us until you are able to get to these appointments, that as you say "you desperately need to get back to".
Stopping drinking is no mean feat, you are so very strong to be able to do this and not have a drink for 4 weeks, this is a huge achievement and I wanted to say to you WELL DONE....CONGRATUALTIONS and that in itself shows you do have strength, courage and the will. While it might seem like you can not see it today, it is there.
The gym and eating better are also such positive things that YOU have chosen to do for YOU...but like medication, they do take time to do their work, I know that is frustrating when you so badly want to FIX things now and to be able to see the results instantly, but please try to keep these things going if you can, even just once a week for a gym trip, whatever you can manage, it will help.
I also wanted to say that in your post you say all the things that you are not able to do, that you are no good at, but I am wondering if you can see the things that you are doing that are good, like the gym, like your eating plan, the fact you have reached out here to help yourself...I am wondering if you can think of some other good things too?
We are here for you Shaaka, you are not alone and I am so very proud of you for being here today and for choosing you today, to get some support and comfort.
I hope to chat to you some more.
Hugs to you