Hi all,

I can't stress how much I hate myself.

For most of the last year, I abused alcohol excessively because my psychiatric and psychology and mindfulness treatments and medication weren't working well enough. I stopped drinking completely about 4 weeks ago as I wanted to get better after getting really physically sick and learning that my liver was diseased as a result.

I've since started going to the gym and eating 'somewhat' more healthier, but I've noticed absolutely no improvements to my depression and anxiety.

Besides, the damage is already done, and even if I could fix it, there are still so many bad aspects mainly about my personality that have been life-long and impossible to fix. So my life is ruined, for example:

- I'm unemployed. I can't hold down a job because I have absolutely zero self-esteem, meaning I can't handle any criticism no matter how constructive it is (I take everything to heart), I really don't think I'm good enough for anyone, and I crumble under any pressure or stress. I'm very useless and pathetic.

- I'm soon going to lose my rental home because the property owner wants to sell it, and I can't afford to move anywhere else.

- I'm 32, so I'm at the age when everyone else around me has their life together and are happy, whilst I've failed. So many people on social media on the internet brag about how well off they are, and this just puts me even further down.

- I'm very fat and ugly. I have a very noticeable and unsightly scar on my face that I can't afford to get removed.

- Reading news websites and articles online gives evidence to show how bad life is.

- I desperately need to get back onto taking psych medication, but the earliest I can see my psychiatrist doctor is late this month.

My two options are either suicide, or start drinking again so that I'm always drunk and therefore numb to the world and my problems.

Hi Shaakka,

We are so glad that you made your way to the forums today. We recognise how difficult it may be to find a reason to live right now given all the challenges you are faced with at the moment.

Please know that you do not have to go through this alone and we will be here to support you through this dark time. We value you being a part of our community and we care about your wellbeing.

To ensure you have a plan to keep yourself safe today, we’ve asked our Support Service to check in with you via email.

While you wait for others to respond here, for more immediate support you may wish to connect with the Suicide Call Back Service. They provide 24/7 telephone, online-chat and video counselling to talk through any difficult moments.  You can even sign up for free video and online chat counselling on their website: https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/need-to-talk/

It may seem like there are many negative aspects about your life right now but it’s important to also acknowledge all that you have done to keep moving forward, including connecting with professional supports, refraining from drinking alcohol, going to the gym and eating healthier, as well as writing here on the forums. It takes a great deal of strength and courage to take on these changes while experiencing so much pain and hardship in your life.

We hope you can be gentle on yourself and keep writing here so our community can continue to support you through this. 

Hi Shaakka

I wanted to welcome you to the forum and to say how proud I am of you for reaching out here today...which is actually a third option and the best one out of the three, that you have come here, to chat, to share how much pain you are in and that you are really struggling right now. Suicide is never an option, while it might feel like there is no hope right now and that all roads lead to this or alcohol, can I say that even though it seems so dark, there is light, there is hope and the fact you are here talking with us I hope you can feel one little glimmer of light.

I care so much about you, I am here to sit with you through this time, to let you know you are not alone and that I am here to listen to whatever it is you would like to share. I know it is so very hard to get to see your doctors when you need to so I hope that you can lean on us until you are able to get to these appointments, that as you say "you desperately need to get back to".

Stopping drinking is no mean feat, you are so very strong to be able to do this and not have a drink for 4 weeks, this is a huge achievement and I wanted to say to you WELL DONE....CONGRATUALTIONS and that in itself shows you do have strength, courage and the will. While it might seem like you can not see it today, it is there.

The gym and eating better are also such positive things that YOU have chosen to do for YOU...but like medication, they do take time to do their work, I know that is frustrating when you so badly want to FIX things now and to be able to see the results instantly, but please try to keep these things going if you can, even just once a week for a gym trip, whatever you can manage, it will help.

I also wanted to say that in your post you say all the things that you are not able to do, that you are no good at, but I am wondering if you can see the things that you are doing that are good, like the gym, like your eating plan, the fact you have reached out here to help yourself...I am wondering if you can think of some other good things too?

We are here for you Shaaka, you are not alone and I am so very proud of you for being here today and for choosing you today, to get some support and comfort.

I hope to chat to you some more.

Hugs to you

Sarah

Hi Aaronsis, firstly, I just want to say thank you for taking the time out of your day to write and share all that just for me. Because I hate myself so much, I feel undeserving of other peoples' time.

Hey Shaakka

I am so happy to chat to you... you are so deserving of time, of being here, of seeking help and of being supported. I want to be here talking to you and finding out how you are and what things we can unpack to help you see some goodness in you... as it is there.

That is what I hope you come to love about places like this.. we are not here because we HAVE to be... we are here because we WANT to be.. to make sure that wonderful people like you who are going through a tough time can find some hope to keep fighting.. to help you see some light and to sit with you as you find your way out of this darkness.

I am wondering if you have thought about even a chat with one of the support people on our phone service? They are so wonderful and caring, also the guys and gals at Lifeline too.... if at anytime that you need to vent.. to get some of these feelings out.

I hope that tonight you can get some rest and that something even ever so small can put a smile on your face.

Here for you

Hugs

Sarah