Hi everyone,

I'm not sadfishing, I promise. I just desperately want to get something off my chest.

I'm a failure.

Let me start from the start. I'm a lawyer, but not a particularly successful one. I certainly wouldn't retain myself. I'm not very bright. I've worked very hard, both as a student and a solicitor, but with no real skill.

My second failure is as a husband and father. I poured committment into my work that I should have put into my family, with predictable results (divorce; kids overseas). When I skype with my children I have to plaster a smile on my face: one day they'll be old enough to know their dad is a parasitic version of Al Bundy.

I'm not a black and white thinker: I know I've done good in my life - written and volunteered and always tried - but none of that seems to matter. It can never be enough to tip the scales.

I've thought about "doing something stupid", but for me that would be a mortal sin for which there is no absolution (no judgment of those who think differently). But that means I face another 40 years of feeling like this. Oh joy.

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Dear The Writing Monk~

Welcome here where I expect you will get a few different perspectives on your life. Frankly I think you are cherry-picking to prove a point, and that the motivation behind that may not in fact be you, but a metal condition.

OK, let's take the fact your are a lawyer, that means you have passed quite a taxing university degree, nobody who is stupid will accomplish that.

If you practice is not successful, or you make a slip and there is no one to pick it up then perhaps the practice is in the wrong place, the particular avenue of law is not your forte or one of a dozen other reasons.

Incidentally you do give yourself back-handed compliments wihtout noticing, being a person that works hard and has commitment. That's good, not bad

Yes you have failed marriage, as sadly one in three Australians. It is heartbreaking, and also very easy to take all the blame on your shoulders. I would think with the exception of abusive marriages there is responsibility on both parties should they split up

The fact you are in contact with your kids and put on a brave face speaks well of you

You talk of never tipping the scales, despite good works and other matters. Perhaps this is not in fact your judgment. I felt that way, and it became worse as time went on. It was only later after I had gone down very low and tried to take my life that others stepped in and I found that it had been depression, anxiety and other matters that fooled me thinking everything was hopeless and was my fault

Depression is most convincing and at the same time locks out all the good things in life, as if they never existed or would again

If the only thing that is stopping you taking your life is religious duty than it points out very clearly that you need competent medical support, as I did.

Life, even with business and marriage problems, should be so much better . You should be able to enjoy yourself, and feel you deserved that enjoyment. You should have confidence that you have much to give -and receive.

If I had been told that at the start I would simply not have believed it and put it down to a do-gooder trying to be encouraging.

Instead that is where I am now, and I would not give my life up, it is simply too sweet, despite ups and down and normal problems.

Please seek out that medical help, not just a tablet from a GP, but skilled help , a psychologist or psychiatrist perhaps.

When you have progressed then is the time to deal with your problems

I hope we talk more

Croix

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