Hi Adele80 -
First, I'd like to say that I'm so sorry to hear about the passing of your mum. Losing someone so dear to you can be so difficult, and I understand - I lost my mum when I was just 26.
I totally get that you must be experiencing confusing thoughts about how you're feeling. I think it's pretty normal to feel all kinds of emotions when you lose someone that you love, and it sounds like you're struggling to make sense of it all. That's completely understandable!
I agree with Sophie's thoughts about contacting Griefline, or reaching out to someone that will support you, and just listen. In the past when I was suicidal, or when I'm feeling depressed, I find it quite helpful to reach out to someone that will listen with an open heart and open ears.
Talking through how you're feeling can be a great start. And of course, you can always come back here as well for a chat.
Thanks for being brave and reaching out here. Be well and let us know how you're going.