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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Another bad night

Topic: Another bad night

6 posts, 0 answered
  1. Gadzooks
    Gadzooks avatar
    19 posts
    14 January 2020

    Hi all,

    Posting because I feel really crappy tonight. Anxiety stops me from actually calling any of the help numbers. I started to hurt myself (has been a while) but I managed to stop using strategies and whatnot. If you’ve seen any of my other posts you’ll know I struggle with insomnia, anxiety, depression. I am starting a new job at the end of January and have been giving myself lots of downtime during the holiday to get myself ready to go. I have a new sleep schedule from my psych which has actually been reasonably effective. I’m falling asleep though I swear I still wake up tired. Anyway tonight I’m just over things and I’m back to wanting existence to stop (not death, just for things to turn off). It feels like I try and try and try to do the right thing and still feel like crap for no apparent reason. I know these things take time and I know that I am doing many good things to help. Can’t help but wish there was an end in sight somewhere. Night is always worse... like any illness I guess. Though I’m told given the half-life of meds that they’re not less effective at this time. Who knows don’t think there is an answer to it all really.



  2. mooy
    mooy avatar
    1 posts
    14 January 2020 in reply to Gadzooks

    I feel exactly the same tonight. I have self-harmed. I dunno , i feel like im not good enough.

    good luck with your new job xx

  3. White Rose
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    White Rose avatar
    5741 posts
    14 January 2020 in reply to Gadzooks

    Hello Gadzooks

    I'm not certain if I have read any of your previous posts though I remember your forum name. It's certainly a language I often use. Sorry to learn you are having a bad night. This really is the pits. A good night's sleep makes a huge difference the next day. It's great you have a new sleep schedule that is effective. Sometimes we just do not sleep well for a reason we cannot fathom. Doesn't help much to say this I know.

    I know that feeling of wanting to step off the world for a short time until I feel better or the crisis has passed. No intent to die, just go away for a short time. When someone finds a pill for this I'm sure they will be millionaires.

    In some ways this lack of sleep shows you are becoming well, or at least better. When all our days are dark and hopeless there is nothing specific to remind us of other days. How can we remember being happy when we have not felt like this for what seems like eternity.

    When we can remember and know life has been been better I think it's a positive move forward. When everything is grey, how can we remember what white or any other colour looks like? The half life of meds is individual but yes, as far as I know taking most of them at during the day or night makes no difference, apart from the obvious of taking things like sleeping tablets at night rather than in the morning. There are some meds though that should be taken at night (or a specific time in the day) as they work more effectively at these times. A bit like taking meds on an empty stomach or after meals. Your prescribing doctor can tell you about this.

    I have a friend who cannot wait for the light to go. She tells me she always feels better in the dark. So horses for courses.

    Have you spoken to your GP about continuing to feel tired even after a good night's sleep? I wonder if there is some sleep disorder that is interfering with your night's rest. Or it may simply be that you do not relax enough to go through the sleep cycles especially the REM stage or that something always wakes you enough to stop you having the REM cycle. Do you think it is worth checking out.


    1 person found this helpful
  4. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    1472 posts
    14 January 2020 in reply to mooy
    Hi Mooy & Gadzooks,

    I'm sorry to hear that you are both having a bad night tonight and that you have both self-harmed. I understand that feeling terrible enough to do this must be distressing. I have written to you both to offer some additional support.

    If you find yourself becoming overwhelmed in the future and think you might self harm, we would strongly urge that you call a mental health professional instead. This can be done 24/7 on the following services:

    •    beyondblue Support Service – 1300 22 4636 or web chat or email available at
    •    Lifeline – 13 11 14 and (online chat available 7pm-12am)
    •    Suicide Call Back Service – 1300 659 467

    Gadzooks, both Beyond Blue and Lifeline have online chat options until midnight AEST.

    If you are unsure whether you might need medical attention, you could call the nurses at Healthdirect tonight - 1800 022 222

    If you find yourself in immediate danger to yourself, this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

    I hope you find some support in each other and the forums. We're all here to support you.

    Sophie M.
    1 person found this helpful
  5. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    3217 posts
    14 January 2020 in reply to Sophie_M
    Hi all,

    Mary mentioned sleep disorders as a possible cause. My son suffers from hypersomnia - regardless of amount of sleep still feels tired. I had medications that were to be taken at night and morning when changing from one AD to another and felt tired a the time. It would be worth following up.

    Your wanting to just disappear for a little while. I still go through those periods. In my case it is something work related that I cannot cope with. I might get an upset stomach, or lump in the throat feeling, and make something appear my fault. We have gotten through these moments before.

    To mooy - what happened?

    I am interested in hearing more about yourselves. Listening to you,

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Gadzooks
    Gadzooks avatar
    19 posts
    15 January 2020 in reply to smallwolf

    Good Morning,

    Thanks you for your replies, I do appreciate it. After posting last night I followed the sleep schedule, did my CBT and went to bed. I did sleep though I am awake now and exhausted. I would really like to feel rested as I’m trying so hard to improve things.

    Mary you have a really nice way with words, just want you to know that. My GP and Psych are both currently on holiday with family (incredibly well earned as they both work too much). I saw them both at the start of the year with a focus on sleep and the new mental health plan. I’ll see them again late January. Previously I wasn’t falling asleep at all until well after midnight, hence the sleep schedule. This past week it has been working as I fall asleep, but I’m having all sorts of funky dreams (thank you meds). Then I wake up and it is like I didn’t rest. I will talk to them about it and can only keep trying. My GP is gorgeous and so good at her job. I have anxiety around talking to medical people and I always feel inarticulate when I explain things. I’m getting better with her.

    Sophie, I have used the online chat before with some success. Thanks for reaching out, can barely even see any marks this morning. It’s more distraction than hurt really. Plus I know it doesn’t help so I fight it.

    Tim, I relate a lot to that needing to disappear for a while, especially re work. I often take things as my own fault and work to fix them. My contract wasn’t renewed for this year despite endless positive feedback from all concerned. They discriminated against me because of my mental health. Excited to be starting somewhere new and putting it behind me. Psych has been great with helping. Still I’m nervous things might go the same way.

    Thanks for your empathy Mooy. I am looking forward to my new job if I can get myself sorted first. Hope today is a little better and regardless of my own stuff I’m always willing to listen too.

    Everyone here is so kind and existing in a space with others who understand is nice.

    Hugs to all


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