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once upon a TIME i was a happy student. Yh the only TIME was the last holiday where i never met any people during those peaceful times.

....and here i am writing this at midnight with tears running down my cheeks also realising that i have SCHOOL tomorrow.

i never ask for help. If people ask me how im doing i always reply with “im fine, everything is good” the only reason why i reply in this way is because i know noone would understand or help properly. And so my sadness just keeps building up with my smile sealing it...

anxiety at school is one of the hardest thing ive dealt with and im still dealing with it right now. It may seem like im battling with just myself and others but in reality for me... its having another PERSON OR ME inside of my brain. It keeps talking and talking. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming that i just speak out loud “shut up, be quiet!” in the middle of class. Ofcourse it’s embarrassing when people look at me in shock which again makes my stress level go higher. I BARELY look at peoples faces. If i had to i would definitely avoid looking at their eyes because i see my voice reflecting back at me with negative thoughts. It’s terrifying...

My social anxiety has gotten even worse after my mum passed away from cancer 4 months ago. I feel no purpose in attending school. Just there to suffer to find a way out of this war that is happening inside of me.

No matter how much i breathe slowly and remind myself that this is the present, I constantly get knocked down by my anxiety. I pinch myself so hard till i bleed to make sure that this isnt a nightmare.
Im honestly confused by now with everything.

Me:why am i here for? Whats da point??!
Anxiety: Did u forget? you serve a place for me inside YOU
(haha my anxiety made me read what i wrote like 15 times)

Dear, Strivingtosurvive, 

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636), Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800)  or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 

Hello Strivingtosurvive, and thank you for posting a comment that seems to be a situation where we haven't actually heard anyone starting a new thread, although I'm sure it's something other people have also experienced and it certainly is a concern.

I am so terribly sorry to know of your dear mum passing away because there is never a good time for this to happen, my condolences.

Your last sentence 'my anxiety made me read what I wrote like 15 times' resonates with me because anxiety creates an unpleasant and complicated relationship with your mind.

It gives you thoughts about what you should be frightened of and what horrible things could happen to you, and they reoccur at times when you don't expect them to, at the most inconvenient time, and unfortunately, never leave you alone, they are persistent and what's said is so important you believe it, but hey, that's not your fault.

We have to try and believe that these thoughts are not important, it's only our minds like to warn us about incidents because they are keeping us safe by doing this, but this doesn't necessarily mean the thoughts actually mean anything, the important thing is not what these thoughts you have, it's what you do when you have them.

Thoughts are just that, and when you have anxiety it can produce negative feelings/thoughts that tend to stay in your mind, whether or not they are intrusive thoughts is for your doctor to decide.

If they say they might be then these thoughts mean that you unconsciously want to do the things that come into your mind but the opposite is exactly what you want to happen, and I say this because it used to happen with me.

Hope you are able to reply back to us.

Geoff.

Thank you for explaining and making it a little clear about my situation,Geoff.

i have been told by a counsellor that these thoughts are trying to save me from danger which i do appreciate but not ALL the TIME. What i really despise about it is the pain i have to feel. A way to describe it could be “a cat sitting on my head”, “ a bear hugging me so tight i cannot breathe”, and many more. Its a very hot tingling feeling. I want to scream.

and guess what, the next day... it happens all OVER again:(

self harm is one of the most often things i used to do to control this, cause then my brain will think about the pain rather than the thoughts but i totally understand that this is temporary and not good for me so i try to stop by doing other safe coping strategies like using a rubberband to slap my skin.
i hate myself in many ways, from head to toe.

i would like to know how to “try” and “believe” that these thoughts are merely lies and not important.

I need someone to motivate me to go to school. Ive been lagging alot of classes during school and always reported missing. Ugh these teachers. I come back to class and she gets mad without understanding anything. And so to avoid that i be absent every now and then because i really lost all hope....

Sorry i cannot explain my anxiety fully and clearly because half of it i don’t understand it myself...

Hi StrivingToSurvive,

I'm really sorry to hear things have been so difficult for you recently. It sounds like your anxiety has become a very scary and distressing part of your life, and is affecting you a lot. That feeling of having to hide your emotions and contain your anxiety in front of others can be particularly exhausting and isolating. I cannot imagine how awful it would have been to lose your mum, it is understandable that this has intensified your anxiety.

You are very articulate in describing how visceral those physical sensations of anxiety are - and they sound pretty overwhelming. Is there anything that helps you to ground yourself in the moment and alleviate some of that anxiety before it reaches a tipping point? E.g. you mentioned the rubber band as a safe coping strategy, you could also squeeze ice in your hands, wash your face with cold water, push/knead your feet into the ground, squeeze a stress ball & knead it with your hands - these all can be helpful in bringing you out of your thoughts and back into your body into the present. There is some more information about grounding available here (https://www.blueknot.org.au/Survivors/Self-care/grounding).

Writing may also be another exercise to try - writing can help externalise some of what is happening inside your mind, it can help you to organise your thoughts a bit more, and see them from a different perspective. You don't have to handwrite, you can type if you prefer, it can be helpful just to vent out what you need to. You can even direct your writing to something or someone e.g. writing a letter to your anxiety. It may be worth a try.

If you feel up to it, calling a helpline is also another option when you feel things are escalating or when you don't feel safe - you can call the KidsHelpline (for ages up to 25) on 1800 55 1800, or Lifeline on 13 11 14. Both of those lines are available 24/7 and you can remain anonymous if you prefer. They also have online webchats if talking on the phone is not something you are comfortable with.

Please do not hesitate to reach out as and when you wish to. We are here for you and we want to listen. Please be kind to yourself. Take care.