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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / can I trust myself

Topic: can I trust myself

5 posts, 0 answered
  1. HC1273
    HC1273 avatar
    1 posts
    2 August 2020

    Hi

    I am struggling so much. I have history of suicide attempt but since had 2 children (15 and 14). The oldest has special needs and now the youngest likely has PTSD (after witnessing a shooting). My husband doesn't help with any of the therapies, never has. My work is quite pressured and I am questioning whether happy there now. My husband and I have turbulent relationship and he is no support to me. I find myself recently thinking suicide etc. Whilst I don't think I would follow through I am aware this is not good and it only takes a split second. I am on antidepressants. I have thought about telling GP but don't want to get admitted etc.

     

  2. BB After-Hours Moderator
    BB After-Hours Moderator avatar
    1 posts
    2 August 2020 in reply to HC1273

    Hi HC1273,

    We're really sorry to hear that things have been so difficult for you and while we are glad that you are reaching out to our community for support, we have also sent you a private email to check in and see how things are.

    We will open this up to our lovely community to offer some words of support in the meantime, but we also hope we can hear back from you soon.

  3. i'mbadwithnames
    i'mbadwithnames avatar
    20 posts
    2 August 2020 in reply to HC1273

    Hi, welcome to the forums! Thank you for reaching out, it takes a lot of strength.

    Honey, I can relate so much. Not about the husband and kids, but about a past attempt and being afraid of repeating.

    The good thing is, to fix a problem you have to realise you have one, and you do realise that which is fantastic (kind of? not good that you have a problem obviously, but good that you realise these thoughts are unhealthy).

    My recommendation to you would be to go and start seeing a therapist or find someone to talk to about all this. Do you already have one? Any good friends or other family you can confide in?

    I think the best action of call is making a list of things you are thankful for. Your beautiful kids need you in their life. I grew up around a special needs older brother and ended up becoming a second mum when my parents would leave for long periods, I promise that they love you and care so much for you, even if sometimes it may seem like they don't.

    In regards to work and relationship wise, I am not qualified enough to comment on that (again, I think a therapist is your best point of call) but I do not that when we feel stressed or overwhelmed, small things can seem like very big things and it all piles on top and suddenly you are drowning.

    Just take it one step at a time. You don't have to fix everything in one big swoop, just baby steps.

    You have so many people that love you, and you are not alone in feeling this way at all, you should be proud of your immense strength that it takes to survive and go on day by day when you are feeling overwhelmed.

    You are strong and powerful, and I am so proud of you. I am rooting for you, it will all be okay. You have value in this world, and you are so important. Don't ever forget that, OK?

  4. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    1226 posts
    2 August 2020 in reply to HC1273

    A warm welcome to you HC1273

    The overwhelming chemical challenges and perception of a brain in depression can definitely be mind altering and deeply torturous, which leads me to acknowledge what an incredible job you're doing of raising yourself under the circumstances.

    When I say what an incredible job you are doing, I really mean it. It's hard to see all the ways in which we've risen to challenges when our mind can only focus on what we're 'failing' at

    • You've risen to face the challenge of coming to life after each heartbreaking attempt (to leave it). To say this is hard is an understatement
    • You've risen to the challenge of bringing kids into this world, knowing how depression would challenge you as a parent. I'm mum to a 17yo gal and 15yo boy. I can relate to how tough it can be, facing being a mum with depression. Finally came out of my own 15 year battle after my son was born
    • You rise to the challenge of raising 2 amazing gifts, through their own challenges. Trying to work out the best path forward for each of them would take a loving, compassionate and thoughtful mindset. I imagine this is naturally who you are (loving, compassionate and thoughtful). Depression can have a tendency to numb these natural qualities in us but believe me when I say that they're still there and you're feeling them to the best of your ability. When circumstances change, you're ability to feel them more will also change
    • You're doing an incredible job of raising yourself and your kids independently. I can relate to having a spouse who is happy to sit on the sidelines. HC, having lived with depression in the past, I find it difficult to tolerate the behaviour of people who won't raise others when they need it. I've even said to my husband, when I've felt a bit flat 'What are you going to do to raise me (my spirits)?' The response was a smile and then he walked off. Wasn't conscious of the fact it was a request. He's a basically loving person but I'm personally really big on people actively loving each other to life (not basically)

    I imagine you've raised yourself in many more ways, without realising. It's relatively easy to raise our self when we're a bit depressed. It takes an amazing person to raise them self out of the depths of depression. You are amazing.

    I teach my kids: Every challenge holds the potential to either raise us or depress us. How we manage the challenge is key - alone or with help. I'm so glad you've managed to come here.

    Again, a warm welcome HC :)

  5. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    8071 posts
    2 August 2020 in reply to i'mbadwithnames

    Hi, welcome

    I too can relate to you. My ex wife was very lazy and it resulted in me working 2 part time jobs along with full time shift work and...looking after our toddler while she- slept!

    It too resulted in an attempt. My father told me once “better to be a part time dad than no dad at all”. His words echoed in my mind before I walked my daughter down the aisle 20 years later.

    So one week after my attempt I left the family home. No longer subject to her silence and abuse.

    I’d like you to know that any action- any, is better than going down that tragic road.

    If that means moving to part time work- do it. Separation- do it. Counseling- do it...if he won’t attend then go alone to learn to cope.

    What I do know from your post is that you are irreplaceable as a mother. I’m in awe of you. Hold your head up high and make decisions based on survival rather than putting your husband first. He lost that priority when, a long time ago, he expected you to carry the burdens alone.

    Feel free to keep in touch here.

    TonyWK

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