I appreciate that you shared your story here. I hope you can consider the forums a space for you to get things off of your chest. We're all here to listen and support you, free of judgement and with warm open arms.
I can see that things have been really tough for you right now and you're feeling stuck, and under a lot of pressure. From what you've written, it sounds like you've been through a lot of tough life events and perhaps lack an understanding support system. I'm really sorry to hear that your partner isn't understanding, and thinks you're just trying to get out of working.. That is really unfair, especially since you find it difficult to talk about your mental health.
I'm here to tell you that your depression is very real, and no one has the right to dismiss you, invalidate you, or tell you that it's imaginary. You're deserving of empathy, compassion, and the space to be honest with what you're going through with your loved ones. I can see that you're really struggling right now and you're finding everyday tasks difficult to do. I'm wondering if you have family or friends around you that you feel like you can talk to about what you're going through?
You mentioned that you've been having suicidal thoughts.. How long have you had them for?
How would you feel about contacting your GP and getting a mental health care plan, and seeing a professional?
If you ever feel like you might act on these thoughts, don't hesitate to contact Lifeline or one of the services mentioned by Sophie.
Again, I can see that you're really struggling with your depression right now. You are valid for what you're going through, and you don't deserve to feel shame or guilt for being honest about your mental health.
I hope you're taking care of yourself, I'm here for a chat if you need it <3