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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Don't know how much longer I can put up with this

Topic: Don't know how much longer I can put up with this

7 posts, 0 answered
  1. i'mbadwithnames
    i'mbadwithnames avatar
    28 posts
    6 September 2020

    Isolation was so much better than this.

    I moved in with my family at the beginning of this week when I got out of mandatory isolation and so far I've had to see my racist bigotted transphobic brother twice, my dad has called me a failure, ugly and stupid pretty much every day and keeps pressuring me like "what are your plans what are you doing" like, I got here 6 days ago, my stuff hasn't even arrived at the house yet, can you chill? I have just been in a house with abusive housmates for 2 years, and then spent half a year locked inside with them because of covid where the bullying escalated. I'm not ready, I have told him this, he laughed at me. I wore a mask to the shops and told me I looked like a *swear word* and laughed at me and basically bullied me for it. I'm just trying to feel comfortable and now I can't wear a mask anywhere because it makes me want to cry because of the things he said to me so now I have to be uncomfortable and unsafe. It's stupid.

    He is pressuring me to look for work when again, I literally just got here. Hell, I don't even have a windows computer to send my resume yet because again, my stuff isn't here yet.

    I am paying substantial rent, like not that much less than I was paying before, yet somehow my family can dictate what I have to do. I can't text while the TV is on, I can't stay in my room, I can't go out for lunch, I can't do anything. I feel trapped and I literally hate it here.

    I ran away from my family for a reason and the fact that lack of money is what brought me back is so crushing and my depression is perhaps worse than it has ever been. I'm lost and confused, and my family doesn't understand mental illness so they just think I am a lazy teenager and keep pushing and pushing and pushing and I'm already almost at my breaking point after literally 6 days.

    I'm sick of being bullied, talked down on and pushed around literally everywhere I go. I just want to run away and move cities/countries but I don't have money. Money is the bane of my freaking existance. My brother and my dad are the same, they say biggotted borderline masoganistic shit to me as a "joke" but it's not funny and it's really hurtful and already makes me feel worse about myself than I already do, which I didn't think was possible.

    I can't be here.....

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6816 posts
    6 September 2020 in reply to i'mbadwithnames
    Hi i'mbadwithnames,

    We're so sorry to hear that it's been like this while you have been staying with your family. We undertstand that living with this kind of constant bullying and verbal abuse must be really distressing. Please know that you're not alone in this and there is some support available to you.

    Please do get in touch with the Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service for some support and advice. Our dedicated support line, staffed by mental health professionals, is available 24/7 on 1800 512 348.

    It might also be worth getting in contact with 1800RESPECT for advice. They offer 24/7 confidential information, counselling and support for people impacted by domestic or family violence and abuse. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or visit  https://www.1800respect.org.au/

    Please feel free to reach out here on your thread to keep us updated on your journey. 
  3. Nurse Jenn
    Health professional
    • Health professional
    Nurse Jenn avatar
    436 posts
    8 September 2020

    Hi there i'mbadwithnames,

    This sounds so tough, and disruptive and uncomfortable. Readjusting to family can be a huge challenge for so many people. Especially when the circumstances are forced. Covid19 has caused a lot of people to be in situations they are not comfortable. What a hard time you are going through. Do you know when your things will be arriving? As SophieM mentioned, it is a great suggestion to keep writing here on the forum (if you feel comfortable) as just letting your feelings of frustration out can be really helpful. You are not alone.

    There is a thread on the forum about Coping with Coronavirus - see link. https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/coping-during-the-coronavirus-outbreak

    You might find that you can make a post here and see if others have had some strategies to cope with having to live in situations that are stressful. It would be so difficult to having someone in your living space that make you feel bad about yourself and be disrespectful to you. Contacting 1800 RESPECT could really help in a hard moment. Please reach out to this service if you feel comfortable.

    One strategy that I can think of is to make a schedule of your time, so your family know what to expect from you in terms of job seeking and other activities. Sometimes when others know what you are doing generally, they might leave you to it. Hopefully once you get your things and computer, you might feel more at home. Please keep posting us to let us know how you are adjusting.

    We are listening.

    Sending you strength,

    Nurse Jenn

  4. Leigh1987
    Leigh1987 avatar
    22 posts
    8 September 2020 in reply to i'mbadwithnames
    I don't really have any advice or much to add except to say that sounds tough.

    I have struggled with housemates in the past too. It is hard living with people under the best of situations.

    This is why I live alone now. Maybe that's not a possibility for you atm because of your finances but perhaps it is something you can set as a goal in your mind. Something that can motivate you moving forward.

    As my Mother always says to me everyone needs something to look forward to...
  5. AnonymousID
    AnonymousID avatar
    38 posts
    3 January 2021 in reply to i'mbadwithnames
    I am really sorry to hear this. It's hard to get better when your surrounded by toxic people. Keep venting, I hope it's helping. Think of your situation as temporary, it's going to get better. Don't give up
    1 person found this helpful
  6. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    11060 posts
    4 January 2021 in reply to i'mbadwithnames

    Dear I'mbadwithnames~

    (copied from your closed thread)

    I've read your posts and admire your ability to not only overcome mental and practical difficulties, enduring the horrible, but at the same time giving sensible advice to others here in the Forum. One thing you said that I particularly liked:

    "Just remember your life is not over. You are SO young and you have so much in front of you. You've made it this far"

    You yourself are around 21 I think , so your phrase fits you too.

    Now the new years evening will be over. It would have been a horrible time for you and must have seemed endless sitting in the corner, surrounded by strangers and trapped as your father had the transport. I always avoided parties with strangers, still do.

    You have had a bad year, living away from home, which might have sounded attractive and having a job, only to find your housemates were toxic and you had to leave your job to return home. Did your bond come back?

    The nightmare of moving, especially with a bad foot and practical difficulties is I'd imagine over except for unpacking the things you need.

    From the sound of it living back at home is as bad as before -which prompted you to leave in the first place.

    OK, so you have several things in front of you to overcome, all of which you have done before -and where your solutions have not worked out well then you will recognize the danger signals and it can be smoother this time.

    Getting new medical support, a place to live and a job are all things you have proved you can do.
    If you try to leave to one side the toxic nature of your current circumstances (no, not easy at all) then what do you think should be your first thing to get out the way?

    I know if it was me I'd try for support, and that is partly medical and partly personal. with the medical it may help you with the self harm. I can understand why you try to cope that way, but it is so dangerous, though I'm not going to go on about that now. I do know that talking to the Suicide Call Back Service (as Sophie mentioned) can sometimes help a lot.

    You may think different and go for job seeking as the main thing. It's your decision decided on as the person on the spot who knows what's best.

    Is there anyone in your family or friends you can talk to who is on your side? They don't have to fix anything, just be a person to talk to who does not judge and simply cares?

    Of course here you will always find understanding, care and fresh perspectives

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  7. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9778 posts
    4 January 2021 in reply to Croix
    Hi, welcome

    I personally think (based on my young adult experiences with my own family) that you won't last long in your parents home. Abuse is hard to tolerate for long.

    If in your situation I'd approach human services for emergency accommodation. Alternatively, if paying high rent have you ever considered buying a small old/cheap caravan and either living in a caravan park or the rear of someone's house? Sounds unusual but I've done it, bought the van for $1100 and had my own space. Plus, I could move around at will.

    You're not in this world to live up to others expectations...

    TonyWK
    1 person found this helpful

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