I'm struggling with the fact that I don't have an explanation for why I have suicidal thoughts/tendencies and it makes me feel like I'm being a complete and utter idiot for wanting to end my own life for "no apparent reason" , which ends up spiraling into self hatred for being so "weak" and "useless" among other things.

I was 13 when I first harmed myself and now 16 years later at the age of 29, I still can't figure out why it all started despite having done it multiple times now.

I've seriously thought it out over the last 16 years but can never find the reason for why I want to just end everything so badly. I just end up getting slapped in the face with feelings of "I don't want to live anymore" and then having a mental breakdown of sorts over it, which I overcome through self harm. It's never been to the point of being life threatening and I know that self harm even when minor is a bad coping mechanism but I can't seem to get out of that headspace without doing it.

I've thought about calling or using the online chat to talk to someone when I'm going through my suicidal breakdowns but I can never bring myself to do it. Simply because I feel like I would just be wasting that person's time when they could be helping someone else who is truly struggling instead.

I'm losing my motivation to keep moving forward... When I was younger, I used to convince myself that the suicidal tendencies was 'just a phase' and that I'd get over them as I grew older but now that belief is gone and now the only two things that are still keeping me here are 1. My fear of having to face my family's reaction if I survived the attempt to take my life and 2. My outstanding bank loans as I don't want my family to repay them on my behalf if I do succeed.

My reasons for hanging on make me feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and am seriously hating myself over the fact that I want to end my life without even having a valid reason for it... I feel like such an idiot for feeling this way and not being able to explain why.

Hi Resviana,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. It’s a really good place to have come to hear from others who understand some of the things you’re going through.

We can hear you’ve been dealing with self-harm and thoughts of suicide for a number of years, as well as self-hatred and really harsh thoughts about yourself. Please know that you deserve to feel better, you’re not weak or useless – in fact it’s incredibly strong and resilient to have shared what’s going on with us here.   

We’re reaching out to you privately to offer some support. In the meantime, we’d really encourage you to give us a call on the Beyond Blue Support Service. We are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 and our counsellors are really good at talking people through moments like this and working out options for more support. You can also reach us online, here.

Another option would be ringing Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), who can talk things through with you, and help you to plan for your safety. The Beyond Blue safety planning app might be worth looking at, too. You can read about how it works and where to download it here. You can even call Lifeline and compete it with one of their counsellors over the phone.

We’re sure we’ll hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. They’re a really amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you.  Thanks again for sharing, Resviana. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Hello Dear Resviana,

A very warm and caring welcome to the forums...

I am so sorry that your struggling a lot with your mental health....

I can relate to the sudden thoughts of suicide and the self harm..(to get out of your head.......It happens to me, when I get triggered into a PTSD depression....I’m wondering if you know of anything that could be triggering these unhealthy thoughts....Maybe something that happened to you in your younger life has been embedded into your mind and something...could be a smell, a tone of voice, etc that starts these thoughts and your unaware of it..

It took me a while, trying to understand why I dropped so fast into depression with suicidal thoughts...After much gentle prompting from the wonderful people here on the forums...I made a long appointment with my Dr...and spoke honestly to her about my thoughts and how I was feeling...She got me started with a mental health care plan...which included sessions with professional mental health counsellors/psychologist...Now I can at most times get outside of my head, when the thoughts become unhealthy by using some coping strategies that they taught me....I’m wondering and would like to gently urge you and ask if you would might consider speaking to your Doctor?....

Please...Resviana, the mental health chat numbers are their for anyone who needs them,,,,,you are as important as everyone else...so please if you need to ring or chat online..please don’t hesitate to do so....I have used Suicide call back service and Beyond Blue support service a few times...they are such caring and understand counsellors on the other end of phone and they really do help....

Please, talk here when your feeling up to...we are here to help support you as much as we can...

My kindest thoughts with my care..

Grandy..

Hi Resviana

I hope I'm able to lead you to see yourself differently as you struggle to make sense of why you feel the way you do. I feel for you so deeply as you face the challenges that come with a mind that can take you to some dark places. I'm a gal who can relate to what those places feel like and it would be the understatement of the century to say they're not pretty.

The fact you're wondering about why you think and feel the way you do is a good thing. Continuing to wonder is what stops us from reaching the wrong conclusion. It's a sign our mind is still open to answers. I'm a big believer in the idea that we have many facets to our self. You could say it may be the philosopher in you that wonders about a sense of disconnection or perhaps the objective analyst or inner psychologist. Perhaps it's the sage in you that leads you to 'There has to be more to life than this. This is just not enough'. I've found that paying attention to the exact words of my inner dialogue helps me to determine which part of my natural self I'm channeling at any given time. The victim in me will typically sound hopeless, downtrodden, exhausted, sad and will sound like a defeatist. In fact, the victim in us is not altogether a bad thing, as it tends to be the aspect of our self that tells us we're being victimised. It's a telling aspect that can lead the 'I refuse to cop this cr** from people' sense of self to come to life, the intolerant sense of self that sets solid boundaries and a sense of direction.

You mention you once convinced yourself the tendencies were a phase. You could ask yourself 'What is the phase and what does the phase represent? How often does the phase happen? When does it tend to cycle around, under what circumstances? What triggers each phase? Are there multiple triggers such as overwhelming stress, a depressing lack of excitement, a lack of direction/mapping, an abundance of low vibing people in your life, feeling not connected to something that you feel a deep need to connect to, a seriously depressing lack of energy, a chemical shift or shift in biology etc? Personally, a serious lack of energy will trigger me. Based on being 'a feeler' or someone who feels their way through life, I can't tolerate not being able to feel, based on a lack of energy. E motion or energy in motion requires energy input.

Would it be more accurate to say you're not weak and useless but in a state of wonder or serious contemplation that is mind altering and life changing?