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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Emotionally drained

Topic: Emotionally drained

  1. Blue_butterfly83
    Blue_butterfly83 avatar
    18 posts
    30 June 2020

    So we are meant to be going to the in-laws this weekend, to be honest, I really don’t want to go. I’m not up for seeing anyone at all, also they tend to make things worse. Like I get along with them all, I’ve been with my husband for 16 years. So they are my family. But they can be tense sometimes, and I’m trying to keep away from all of that. My brother in-law (45 and still lives at home) is the most grumpiest man you will meet. I really don’t. Like being around him, he drinks a lot then gets snappy at anyone. I absolutely hate that. My sister in law, (25 living at home also), is absolutely lovely, but constantly complains about everything in her life, she has no commitments, no partner, no kids, nothing, she has a good job and things really easy at home, my mother n law.....she’s nice, but she’s broken my trust numerous times over the years and every time I try to talk to her she always comes back with “oh s***** is going through worse at the moment, she’s got it tough working big hours, poor girl, I don’t know how she does it.”

    so She’s referring to my sister n law, she works 5 days a week 8 hours a day. She is a kitchen hand. But every single time I talk to my mother in law about anything......it’s always turned around to my sister n law. It’s like she absolutely hears nothing of what I say.
    so now if I tell hubby I don’t want to go this weekend he will get upset, unfortunately he doesn’t understand how hard things can get in my head and sometimes I just don’t want to go. I’d rather be here on my own.
    I don’t know what excuse to come up with, without him getting upset at me.

  2. Blue_butterfly83
    Blue_butterfly83 avatar
    18 posts
    30 June 2020 in reply to therising

    Hi therising

    thankyou for your kind encouraging words, I read and appreciate everything you say. Thankyou 💓

  3. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    1185 posts
    1 July 2020 in reply to Blue_butterfly83

    Hi Blue_butterfly

    You could excuse yourself by simply saying to your husband 'I'm not in a great headspace right now. I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed. Please send my apologies. All you need to say is that I'm not feeling well and you wouldn't be lying'. If by some chance he pushes it, the response could be 'I need your support and understanding here and I feel like I'm not getting it'.

    I imagine you want to avoid being brutally honest. You may not want to tell your husband that his brother seriously triggers you (for a start) and that you don't know if you'll be able to control yourself this time, but if it comes down to it, you may need to be brutally honest if your husband won't take no for an answer.

    It can be tough telling someone what they don't want to hear. While insensitive people tend to have no fear, sensitive people feel the challenge in speaking up and being honest. You know that feeling: Slight churning around the solar plexus region, heart starts powering up to hyperactivity, a slight choking or pressure sensation around the throat area. Just last week I faced a pretty challenging situation, where I needed to speak to my husband about changing the terms and conditions of our relationship (as they were pretty depressing). I sat and felt those sensations I mention. So, I meditated on inspiration and what came to mind was 'This is not the rise or powering up to fear, it is the rise to courage you are feeling. Be honest. Be yourself. Have no fear'. I love meditating on inspiration. It always helps in changing my mindset, especially when I'm filled with self doubt.

    By the way, it's good to know the people in your life who test you. As you change/evolve, they become the people you rely on to put you to the test as the new you. So, in the future, when you're in a headspace where you've come to know exactly who you are, you may choose your brother in law to test your ability to speak up thoughtfully. In this case, you may question him in ways no one else has. 'What leads you to feel so angry? What leads you to believe you can speak to me in this way?' In the meantime, remain aware of what you can't tolerate for now and serve yourself in the best way possible.

    :)

  4. Blue_butterfly83
    Blue_butterfly83 avatar
    18 posts
    1 July 2020
    Unfortunately my husband is one person that I can't be brutally honest with. I try but he's too head strong and pretty arrogant. That sounds mean I know. But it's really the only way I can say what type of person he is in this forum without anyone thinking he's a bad person. He's really a lovely person. But just too head strong, which isn't a bad thing. Infact it's really good he is that way because I feel I need someone strong like him to be around.
    But at times I feel brought down because of it. Since he's had chemo and radiation 6 years ago, he's changed alot, in the way of his moods are up and down. I totally appreciate what he's been through. It must have been the worst thing ever. But he's so strong and has never let anything get him down.
    But he can be pretty bloody mean without even realising how mean he can be. It's pretty draining. But all I think is...it's not his fault who hes turned into. And I trtymy absolute
  5. Blue_butterfly83
    Blue_butterfly83 avatar
    18 posts
    1 July 2020
    Ok I bumped the post button lol.

    As I was saying. I try my absolute best to deal with it, take a breath and carry on. But sometimes I just want to run away from him and be in my own.
    Then at times I look at him and think how lucky I really am to have him. He devotes all his spare time to me and the kids, he's the most giving person ever. So this is why it's so hard because I get mixed signals in my head to whether I want to stay or go. I know I want to stay because him and the kids are my world.
    Is this making sense? Lol.
    He won't take no for and answer when we go to the in-laws this weekend. He wants to go for 2 nights. I will try to tell him, but I will end up giving in, as always, swallow it down then when I'm on my own I will cry it out and carry on. It's not healthy for me to do that. But it's all I feel Incan do. It's REALLY exhausting trying to reason with him so I just give in.
  6. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    1185 posts
    1 July 2020 in reply to Blue_butterfly83

    Hi Blue_butterfly

    Sounds like you've got a challenge on your hands when it comes to reasoning with your husband. Actually, this is one of the subjects I touched with my own husband when I sat down with him to redefine the terms and conditions of our marriage.

    Although my husband's a kind and loyal man who likes to tell me how much he loves me every day, he can be an unreasonable man to some degree. It's not as though he'll push me to do things I don't want to do, he simply likes to avoid reasoning. While I can say 'Why don't we do this or that together', he'll often say 'I don't want to' or 'That's just not me'. I'll say 'These are not reasons, you're simply excusing yourself by giving me the same old excuses you always do'. I know I'm sounding pretty harsh here but I desire, with all my heart, a relationship that evolves as opposed to one that stays the same. We're not designed for stagnation and sameness. Personally, I find sameness potentially depressing. I do what I can to avoid depression. Those days were hell on earth.

    Wondering if your husband is a somewhat unreasonable man. Does he listen to reason? Does he recognise valid reasons? Is he able to give good reasons for wanting you to do things that don't necessarily suit you? While it's not his fault who he's become, based on the circumstances that have shaped him, it becomes his fault or flaw once he's made conscious of it and refuses to change his unreasonable nature. Are you recognising some of your faults and are consciously trying to change them? I imagine so. Myself, I possessed the fault of enabler in my relationship and am now trying to change this. Not easy. It was a little fearful at first but I'm getting there. It's taken me so many decades to start becoming my natural self and this is a brave endeavor. I tell myself that I have nothing to lose by being myself. Of course, I can lose my marriage but after 20 something years of being together, I would rather lose this than lose myself again. I turn 50 this month and can honestly say this is the first time in my life where I truly love myself. I would not give that up for anything.

    It can take a significant amount to bravery to love yourself to life. To say 'I am entitled to reason' is fair. To say 'I deserve respect, greater compassion and understanding' is fair. To say 'I deserve to love myself in this way, no matter how it challenges others (when our ways are more than reasonable)' is fair'.

    Loving our self is a challenge :)

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Blue_butterfly83
    Blue_butterfly83 avatar
    18 posts
    2 July 2020 in reply to therising
    So I spoke to hubby lastnight, he is understanding, after I tried to explain why I didn't want to go. He did state "don't let ****(hidden name) get to you, if he starts ranting after he drinks just ignore him, it's not fair we all don't get to see the family because you don't want to be around ****." To which I replied, "oh you and the kids can go, but I'm not in the right headspace to deal with it right now," he understood that. He did say maybe I should talk to the family about it, but I told him I'm really not ready for that and his mum always turns what I say around to be about his sister and what she's doing.
    I absolutely can not deal with that right now. And I don't want to snap at her. We are both vergos......infact our birthdays are on the same day 🤦. Yeah that's the other thing. Every year it's always been what she wants to do on 'her' birthday. If it's not what she wants to do, she kicks up the shits and everyone drops everything and does what she wants.
    Also our youngest son's birthday is the same day as my sister n laws.....she's the only girl out of 4 kids, so she's always been the angel of their eyes lol. On our sons 5th birthday we had a party, the night before we had a gathering for the SIL so we could have our sons 5th birthday about him. When it came time to having the cake and sang happy birthday to him, he was just in the verge of blowing out his candles and my mother in law started singing out happy birthday to my SIL, my hubby and I were not impressed at all. It was meant to be a day for our son. We already had a day for her. I also think this is where I get alot of my issues from, always being pushed aside for others. Now I'm rambling lol. But it feels good to get this out.
  8. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    1185 posts
    2 July 2020 in reply to Blue_butterfly83

    Hi Blue_butterfly

    Vent away, go for it! Sometimes when we let things out we can have some of those 'Aha!' moments where things start of add up in more ways than one. You know those vents, for example, where you gradually come to realise, after adding up all the times you've been humble, unselfish, taken advantage of etc etc 'Hang on a second, I can see one serious pattern forming here and I don't think I like it'.

    It wouldn't surprise me at all to find out you're one of those people who is very sensitive to the needs of others, often shows pretty good self control and tolerance, picks their battles carefully and I'm sure the list goes on in regard to how amazing you are. Wondering if you ever find that when you do speak up on the odd occasion, the people around you say something like 'Ooo, what's wrong with her?!' or 'She's such a b***h' or 'Gee, she's unreasonable'. If this does happen, you may be left thinking 'What the heck?! I can't win'. I've become a bit of a funny one these days; I am seriously loving my intolerance as I feel it gives me the push I need to stand up for myself. If someone triggers me by accusing me of being a bit of a cow for standing up for myself (in a thoughtful and perfectly reasonable manner), I can be left thinking 'You aint seen nothing yet!' This is a far, far, far cry from who I used to be. I'm still a work in progress, as are we all.

    Glad you were able to have a reasonable chat with your husband. Do you feel it's made things a bit clearer for him, in regard to how challenging you're finding life at the moment? I hope so. You deserve the support and recognition.

    Our husbands will be challenged to love us in ways that aren't necessarily comfortable for them. To love us through simply understanding what it is we really need at times is so very important. Sometimes we simply need a break from challenge (such as visiting your in-laws).

    :)

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