I have been suffering from depression, anxiety, PTSD and social anxiety all clinical level along with suspected autism for a long time, including suicidal tendencies.

I hate social gatherings and I have been dragged to my father's friends place for new years. They then began to lecture me about what I am doing next year and telling me I was stupid for doing this and I should be doing x and y instead.

I have serious mental hurdles with people controlling me due to abuse in the past and I just want to finally be able to make my own decisions due to getting away from my abuser.

I started crying and am seriously struggling in this random house surrounded by people I don't know, and I have begun my normal self harm while sitting in a corner.

I'm upset, I don't know these people, and I want to go home but I can't because dad drove in his car. I know dad will also yell at me for "embarrassing me in front of his friends" when it was then attacking me when my body language was clearly saying stop.

I don't want to be alive and I'm sick of everyone. Noone understands mental illness and I'm just so sick of everything. I dont want to be here and I just want to run away. It's new years, and this is just showing me next year is gonna be as trashouse and I can't last through another year of this.

I don't know what to do.

Hi i'mbadwithnames, we are so glad that you've shared your thoughts and feelings here with us tonight. It sounds you've had a really tough time and are struggling to manage some intrusive thoughts. We're so sorry that your father's friends have had such a negative impact on you, it seems like their words have really affected you. 

We strongly encourage you to reach out and speak with a counsellor who may be able to offer some support and understanding of just how tough mental health challenges can be. Please consider contacting the Beyond Blue Support Service (1300 22 4636), Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). 

Dear I'mbadwithnames~

I've read your posts and actually quite admire your ability to not only overcome mental and practical difficulties, enduring the horrible, but at the same time giving sensible advice to others here in the Forum. One thing you said that I particularly liked was

"Just remember your life is not over. You are SO young and you have so much in front of you. You've made it this far"

You yourself are around 21 I think , so your phrase fits you too.

By now the new years evening gathering will be over. It would have been a very horrible time for you and must have seemed endless sitting in the corner, surrounded by strangers and trapped as your father had the transport. I always avoided parties wiht strangers, still do.

You have had a bad year, living away from home, which might have sounded attractive and having a job, only to find your housemates were toxic and you had to leave your job to return home. Did your bond come back?

The nightmare of moving, especially with a bad foot and umpteen piratical difficulties is I'd imagine over except for unpacking the things you need.

From the sound of it living back at home is as bad as it was before -which prompted you to leave in the first place.

OK, so you have several things in front of you to overcome, all of which you have done before -and where you solutions have not worked out well then you will recognize the danger signals and it can be smoother this time.

Getting new medical support, a place to live and a job are all things you have proved you can do.

If you try to leave to one side the toxic nature of your current circumstances (no, not easy at all) then what do you think should be your first thing to get out the way?

I know if it was me I'd try for support, and that is partly medical and partly personal. with the medical it may help you with the self harm. I can understand why you try to cope that way, but it is so dangerous, though I'm not going to go on about that now. I do know that talking to the Suicide Call Back Service (as Sophie mentioned) can sometimes help a lot.

You may think different and go for job seeking as the main thing. It's your decision decided on as the person on the spot who knows what's best.

Is there anyone in your family or friends you can talk to who is on your side? They don't have to fix anything, just be a person to talk to who does not judge and simply cares?

Of course here you will always find understanding, care and fresh perspectives

Croix

Hi all,

We're going to close this thread off and ask that members respond via the thread below: "Don't know how much longer I can put up with this" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/suicidal-thoughts-and-self-harm/don't-know-how-much-longer-i-can-put-up-with-this