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Topic: Help needed

  1. Farmer680
    Farmer680 avatar
    72 posts
    20 August 2020
    Hi it’s a long story so I will keep it short as possible I am a farmer and also work in a hospital as a cleaner I have worked hard 7 days a week for 35 years, we opened our farm up to foster children so we. could teach them farm life something they would never experience ,we done it for ten years had two in permanent care one is still with us one 16 year old girl done a runner and took off and has made up false allegations against me no charges have been laid yet I went to court 2 months a go I now have to go back in four days I I am so scared can’t sleep properly sever anxiety I have never done a single thing wrong in my life have thought about suicide nearly every day I have even googled the fastest way to die,two people I worked with both committed suicide 4 years a go. I love my family and the foster child that Is still staying with us knows her twin sister is lying, I am so scared I will go to jail for something I didn’t do so suicide really is the only way out for me, who is going to believe a 57 year old man what do I do the stress is so bad it’s effecting my work.
    2 people found this helpful
  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
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    Sophie_M avatar
    6845 posts
    20 August 2020 in reply to Farmer680
    Hey Farmer680,

    We're so grateful that you have reached out to our community tonight, we know that it is a really tough thing to do, but it is so important that you have. We're really sorry to hear what you're going through right now, but please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk about your thoughts and feelings, and our wonderful community is here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need. We are also currently getting in touch with you through email as we are worried about you.

    Please know that there is always help available to you and you don't have to go through this on your own. Can we ask if you are you currently receiving mental health support? If not, we would urge that you do seek professional support to help you work through these thoughts that you're experiencing. If you are not sure of how to access mental health support, please contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport

    We would also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

    However if you find yourself in a situation where you become an immediate danger to yourself, this is an emergency and you should call 000 (triple zero).

    Please feel free to keep us updated here on your thread with what you are feeling and experiencing whenever you feel up to it.
    3 people found this helpful
  3. Farmer680
    Farmer680 avatar
    72 posts
    21 August 2020 in reply to Sophie_M
    I just feel scared I have never done a wrong thing in my life it seems the only way out is leave this earth
    2 people found this helpful
  4. Sophie_M
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    6845 posts
    21 August 2020 in reply to Farmer680
    Hi Farmer680,

    We are sorry to hear that you continue to struggle with thoughts to end your life. Please know we are here to continue to sit with you through this dark time. If you are at risk of self-harm or if you are feeling suicidal, we would strongly urge you to seek professional help as it is really important that you take immediate steps to keep yourself safe. As we continue to be concerned for your wellbeing we have asked our support service to check in with you via email.

    Our Beyond Now suicide safety planning app can be a helpful resource to you. You can read about how it works and where to download it here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning . You could even call the Suicide Call-back Service (1300 659 467) or Lifeline (131114) and do it with one of their counsellors over the phone.

     Keep checking back in when you feel up to it - our community is here for you. 
    3 people found this helpful
  5. Birdy77
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    21 August 2020 in reply to Farmer680
    Dear Farmer,

    I am so sorry to hear what has happened, and the distress and anguish that you must be feeling right now.

    I just wanted to reach out to you and say that i am glad you have posted here, and i truly hope that somehow you can feel the support you need to get through this dark time in your life.

    Someone in my family has had a similar thing happen, and i have seen the extreme anguish and deep pain that you must also be in.

    I hope you have some legal support? If you have the support of your partner/wife/family and also character references from others in your life? this will be a huge help ... i understand that it would be very difficult to ask for these, as you probably want to keep this as private as possible.

    My heart goes out to you and i want you to know that there is someone out there thinking of you and sending thoughts of hope and strength to you.

    Please keep in mind what you are contemplating, and what you feel is the only solution, is a permanent decision, and this problem should only be temporary ... i dearly hope that you can gather up the supports you need around you.

    Please come back any time to talk through your feelings and know that we are listening to you.

    Deeply-felt caring thoughts to you during this excruciating time ...

    birdy
    2 people found this helpful
  6. Ggrand
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    21 August 2020 in reply to Farmer680

    Hello Farmer680..

    I am sorry about what you’re going through..and I can feel your fear in your words...

    I do not know how the court run at all...or how to suggest any thing that could be of assistance to you..I feel very sorry I can’t help you..

    What I called in to say...is to please do not do what you’re thoughts are telling you to do....You say you have done no wrong...please hold your head high...and try hard to dismiss those thoughts...

    You have been doing a wonderful service with the children you have/are fostering..surely that speaks for your integrity, kindness and the care you have inside you..

    Please if you feel unsafe can you ring or contact those numbers our lovely Sophie has given you....and check out our safety plan...

    Sorry I’m not much help for you..but I needed to say that thoughts are just thoughts and you don’t need nor have follow through with those thoughts..

    My kind thoughts..

    Grandy..

    2 people found this helpful
  7. Farmer680
    Farmer680 avatar
    72 posts
    21 August 2020 in reply to Ggrand
    This all started nearly 12 months ago our rules were no mobile phones until your 18 so you can knuckle down do your school work and get a better job than what we have with out phone interference, But one of the twin sisters had a phone she got given too her for 8 months She kept it hidden until we found it and took it off her then she took off and never come back home went to another foster family then all the lies started because her phone was taken, our whole family have been to hell and back lies after lies 4 court appearances she has 9 intervention orders out against us and. other families, and she is only 16 and I have been thinking real silly stuff everyday about leaving this earth so my family don’t have to go through anymore of this pain and lies from this person, my two friends at work suicided, it must of seemed the easiest way out for them, I was the last one to see them alive they must of thought I have come this far now there is no turning back, I don’t want to be in the same situation, Iam a farmer and work in a hospital as a cleaner 4 hours a night I love my family and my job but they can’t go through anymore of this we can’t get legal aid we have a lawyer but very expensive so we just sell farm stuff to pay him, but all this 16 year girl can say is my lawyer is free and laughs she gets legal aid,I appreciate all use people talking to me it gives me hope.
    2 people found this helpful
  8. Birdy77
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    21 August 2020 in reply to Farmer680
    Dear Farmer,

    We are so glad that you are here talking this through with us. You are not alone and there is definitely HOPE!!! Never let go of that.

    You and your family have been and are going through such a wretched, awful time. It must just be so stressful having to sell farm stuff to pay for some legal assistance.

    It must also have been so very distressing losing your 2 friends at work. You know their minds must have been in the darkest places for them to go through with what they did.

    As Grandy said, thoughts are just thoughts, and no matter how far down that track you think your thoughts are, you can always change those thoughts, choose a different path and make a different decision.

    You and your family are going through such a terrible time, have the courts offered you any kind of socialwork assistance or counselling support of any kind?

    I feel like it might be very helpful for you to get some kind of support from some professionals who can also link you up maybe with some assistance grom other services, who knows, even some legal help from somewhere that will be low cost ... or free?

    Trying the numbers Sophie gave you might help to start with?

    We are here listening to you Farmer and want to support you through this dark time.

    Hold onto that hope!!! ... start to see a light, as tiny as it might be, at the end of this diffucilt and dark tunnel.

    Thinking of you and your family ...

    birdy
    1 person found this helpful
  9. Ggrand
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    21 August 2020 in reply to Farmer680

    Dear Farmer....

    I am so sorry about your 2 close friends, and how very deep they must have been to end their lives..

    This might be a hard question for you to answer....Can you remember how you felt when you heard of what they done?.

    Devasted?...I hope so much that you wouldn’t cause this type of devastating pain for your family....They love you...so much...

    Our Lovely Birdy has given you a great suggesting by reaching out for some help with your unhealthy thoughts...Please try hard to do that for yourself and your family....

    Not sure if I can talk about your court case..in case some problems arise from me doing so...I am concerned for you and your thoughts....

    We are here listening and hopefully can help you know that we all care about you..and want to support you through this hard time your facing..Please Farmer...believe in yourself that you can get through this...Holding your hand and sitting with you..

    Please continue to talk, about whatever you feel up to talking about and when you feel up to it....it’s always good to let those thoughts out on paper or in here...

    Listening for you dear Farmer, with my care and kind thoughts and wishes..

    zgrandy..

    2 people found this helpful
  10. Farmer680
    Farmer680 avatar
    72 posts
    21 August 2020 in reply to Birdy77
    Thank you very much for your support, I don’t want to get in the same situation as my friends and think there is no way out except leave this earth I am feeling a bit better because lawyer emailed and said I don’t have to go to court because of the COVID-19 but he will let me know the outcome which still m as led me nervous.
    2 people found this helpful
  11. Farmer680
    Farmer680 avatar
    72 posts
    21 August 2020 in reply to Ggrand
    Hi Zgrandy when I found out about my friends I couldn’t believe what they had done,when I spoke to them last they were happy talking normal ect Then they go and do that,deep down they thought there is no return so they went through with it. why do the people who do the right thing in life are the worst off, I do a lot for people I cut grass hay and give to people who are struggling to feed there Animals, I always help other people fix there cars service them for free if they buy the parts, when we had the foster children we taught them farm life how to look after sheep lambs chooks ducks geese ect, I even taught the two 16 year old twins how two change a car tyre in case when they were old enough to drive and got a flat tyre they can change it so there not stuck in the dark on there own, my wife taught them how to cook make soups pasties and cakes, then one took off never appreciated what we done gave her a life and taught her life skills. now she is trying to ruin us over a mobile phone that was taken off her she was addicted.
    2 people found this helpful
  12. Birdy77
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    21 August 2020 in reply to Farmer680
    Hey Farmer,

    You have proved to yourself that youu don't want to go down that dark path by reaching out here for some support.

    That shows much courage and strength and it shows hope.

    I am glad yiu had the email from the lawyer. I understand you still feel nervous, of course. But if you can try possibly ti take it one step at a time. You have a fee days to wait until the lawyer contacts you, so i wonder, can you try your very best to not cast ahead into that unknown future ... and try to stay right here, in this present moment?

    It's so hard to do ... but now is what you do have. Now, with your wife and family ...

    Deal with tomorrow tomorrow, and deal with Sunday on Sunday, and deal with Monday on Monday ...

    Step by step, you can find your way through this.

    Keep being the person you are, helping others with their hay, teaching ithers terrific life skills, being your best self, and hold your head high.

    Stay strong,

    birdy
    1 person found this helpful
  13. Ggrand
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    21 August 2020 in reply to Farmer680

    Dear Farmer,

    I have often asked myself that same question...“Why do people that do the right thing in life are the worse off”..I wish I could answer it for you...Then maybe my life would make some sense to me...

    Todays teenager’s phones are their best friends I think..They do everything on them and are lost without them...I think it’s a type of security for them....Rules are rules Farmer and if you let one get away with it..then the others would probably protest about not having theirs..

    It really sounds wonderful what you and your wife done for your foster children...I feel really sad this girl has done this to you...I think that if this girl was believed in the story she told..her twin sister would have been immediately removed from your care...as soon as she made a statement..

    I really so much hope that you will reach out for help if thoughts get to much for you to manage...I have rang suicide callback...and BB 24/7 life lines...when things got bad for me..they helped me a lot..

    Farmer...There is always a way to move forward..I am pleased to hear that you’re feeling a bit better...Please if you stress out too much or get into a panic attack...Hold your wife’s hand and both of you try hard to do some deep slow breathing together..Counting between breathes..it can relax you both from your anxiety..

    Still sitting with you dear Farmer..here for you ..

    kind thoughts and caring wishes..

    Grandy....

    2 people found this helpful
  14. Farmer680
    Farmer680 avatar
    72 posts
    21 August 2020 in reply to Ggrand
    Hi she was removed by child protection but she got her own legal aid because she was crying to come back home to the farm so the judge said she can go back home, she said none of it’s true what her sister is saying. I really appreciate everyone supporting me through this tough time I thought there was no one who cared except for my family thank you very much
    3 people found this helpful
  15. Ggrand
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    21 August 2020 in reply to Farmer680

    Dear Farmer, you are very welcome...The judge who let your foster daughter home I think wouldn’t have done so if the judge thought she wasn’t safe....Also I was thinking you wouldn’t be allowed to work in the hospital either..these are just my thoughts dear Farmer...I am hoping I am thinking properly..I am pleased that she said her twin was lying...She sounds like an honest and caring young lady..and wants to help you so much...

    My care to you dear Farmer....with kindness..

    We all care for each other here the best we can..

    Grandy..

    3 people found this helpful
  16. monkey_magic
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    21 August 2020 in reply to Farmer680
    Hi Farmer680,

    I read your story and felt really sad and angry that you are faced with a situation you feel you have no control over other than to end it.

    Are there any other people this girl has lied about? Others that she has taken this intervention out on? You said 9 other foster homes? Can you all get together and prove she's a lier? Her twin sister fighting to come back to you is a really good sign. Is she able to testify?

    When you feel you have no options left is when u lose hope and can want to leave the earth. Perhaps there still are options to prove your innocence!
    2 people found this helpful
  17. Ggrand
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    23 August 2020 in reply to Farmer680

    Hello Dear Farmer...

    Just wanted to check in and see how your doing..

    Care and kindness always..

    Grandy..

    2 people found this helpful
  18. Farmer680
    Farmer680 avatar
    72 posts
    23 August 2020 in reply to monkey_magic
    Hi she has 9 intervention orders against other people who she has stayed with because her lawyer doesn’t cost anything Legal aid so she keeps playing these games, this was all over us taking the mobile phone of her she had hidden from us,so she wanted revenge she was addicted to it, now she is trying to destroy us, after we seen what was on the phone we gave it straight to the police why doesn’t she just leave us alone and go away she is 16 and evil, i am from the old school. You do something wrong own up take your punishment, but I have done nothing wrong but give her a happy life treated them like our own children and this is the thanks we get.
    2 people found this helpful
  19. Farmer680
    Farmer680 avatar
    72 posts
    23 August 2020 in reply to Ggrand
    Hi I wish there were more people like you in this world, I am feeling ok but the dark thoughts are trying to creep back in it’s hard trying to fight it hopefully I am winning. I appreciate everyone’s help.
    2 people found this helpful
  20. demonblaster
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    23 August 2020 in reply to Farmer680
    Dear Farmer ☺

    What an incredibly sad story.
    I really am very sorry hearing what you're all going through.

    One piece of hopefully comfort apart from what the other caring people here have said is sadly I imagine the courts see too often people falsely accusing people of crimes they haven't done so they're not necessarily going to automatically believe the girl without solid proof.

    Monkey_Magic touched on her being in 9 foster homes.
    I'm curious whether it's or some of the time her behaviour causing so many moves.

    I wonder or possibly your lawyer might have covered this or will to get as many character references as possible.

    You do sound like a very good man and I'm sure the twin sister will help you as much as po.

    I really feel for you Farmer 🌿
    It saddens me more knowing that you feel the only way is to end your life.

    It really feels that way doesn't it that there's no way to feel any better and that situations won't change.

    It's not how it is matey. With time comes change.
    Already you have some reprieve with no court for now.

    And until you proactively contacted here you were unaware that there's tremendous support out there including professional help in the form of ringing here psychologists etc.
    You're not alone now you also have us behind you.

    Many on these forums understand for different reasons how deep depression goes myself included.
    They also know true happiness and are glad to not have made the choice.

    Good kind people we need in this world and they like you have a right to live.
    You clearly love your family which I'm sure is reciprocated. They're sticking by you.

    Dear man one of your main reasons is you think your family would be better off without you.
    No matey 🙂 they wouldn't because they love you.
    Their lives would be marred permanently with more pain losing you especially when they believe in your innocence.

    The best thing you can do Farmer for yourself and family is use this terrible pains energy to rise above this.

    Wishing the very best and strength from your support to believe in yourself hold onto hope. Wishing for you that the truth will emerge 🍃

    Hope to see you again anytime ☺
    1 person found this helpful
  21. Farmer680
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    72 posts
    23 August 2020 in reply to demonblaster

    Thank you very much, the problem is children just about have more power than Adults and children know the system they know they can take off at 16 or earlier and get government assistance, but I am one of dozens of cases a year foster children stitching there carer up with false allegations happens all the time but you are never told that in training , if we were told what could happen in training we would never of done foster caring. I do need to stay strong and get these bad thoughts out of my head it’s making it hard to work especially in my hospital job as a cleaner cleaning toilets ect I only do 4.5 hours permanent afternoon shifts So I can put food on the table my farm is really only a hobby farm I just love helping others. I rang another lawyer as well just to have a talk he said straight out she is a bad person, over his 30 years he has seen far too many innocent people go to jail I will wait until Tuesday my lawyer will be in court but we don’t have to go because of the COVID

    thank you everyone for your help

    3 people found this helpful
  22. Ggrand
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    23 August 2020 in reply to Farmer680

    Hello Dear Farmer...

    Thank you for your kind words..

    Farmer...Please try to distract those dark thoughts...They are thoughts being brought on by anxiety and depression..You don’t need to act on those thoughts...They are you and I believe in you..that you are so much stronger then what’s going around in your mind...

    Having 9 intervention orders against other people...Seems to me that’s she can’t get her way...she will make trouble...Farmer I hope that the judge can see all the trouble she is causing you...along with the other 9 people..you done the right thing by giving her phone to the police..in my eyes you have..

    Dear Farmer...please try to ignore those dark thoughts by doing something that you like to do...You don’t deserve this treatment from her...You gave her a home, food, education, your care along with your wife....I think you are an amazing couple to be able to do this...

    I admire you both....and I’m praying that the truth will come out..Which I am certain it will....believe in your self...I do..

    Here for you Farmer as the other wonderful caring people are here you...

    Sending you my care and my kind thoughts...

    Grandy....

    .

    2 people found this helpful
  23. Farmer680
    Farmer680 avatar
    72 posts
    24 August 2020 in reply to Ggrand
    Hi thank you very much I really appreciate everyone’s help, the dark thoughts are horrible it’s like someone is telling you do it ,you try and fight it then you keep thinking maybe it is the way to go, but I know it’s not, when we first got the two twins in permanent care they couldnt read write or tell the time we had them still have one twin sister for ten years , we taught them as much as we could even when I was working 12 to 16 hour days farm work and hospital cleaning when they got to high school they were getting A+ in there school work then one goes and tries to destroy us. That’s the thanks we get. I am staying strong I am trying to block out the dark thoughts, I will let everyone know how I go tomorrow the lawyer has already cost us 10 thousand dollars had to sell one of my tractors, hers has cost zero. I wish it was like the old times everyone treated each other with respect and you always respected your elders.
    thank you everyone.
    3 people found this helpful
  24. Sophie_M
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    6845 posts
    24 August 2020 in reply to Farmer680
    Hi Farmer680,

    I'm glad to hear that you've found everyone support to be helpful and please continue to keep us updated on the situation. 

    I hope that you can keep finding the strength to manage these dark thoughts and to recognise that you have already been making a lot of incredible progress in moving forwards.

    I can see that our community here has already done a really great job reaching out, but I just want to say again that in addition to our forums here, you can also call our 24/7 Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport to talk things over, as well.
    2 people found this helpful
  25. Ggrand
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    24 August 2020 in reply to Farmer680

    Hello Dear Farmer...

    I know today is a very stressful day for you...

    Please try hard to block out those thoughts Farmer....If you feel up to it..Please can you ring BB on the support number our lovely has given you...I highly recommend them....Talking your thought out to one of our trained councillors maybe will help you get through today....

    Alway here sitting holding your hand and listening dear Farmer....I am wishing and praying that everything will turn out the best it can for you...keep believing in yourself and know that you done no wrong...

    Hoping to hear from you when your feeling up to it...

    Sending you my care! and my kindest thoughts and wishes..

    Grandy..

    2 people found this helpful
  26. demonblaster
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    24 August 2020 in reply to Farmer680

    Dear Farmer hi there ☺

    You're very welcome for the support you're deserving of it poor man 🍃

    That's shocking what the lawyer said.
    I hold high hope for you that the lawyer has a strong enough case already to back you to get this sorted.
    My heart really goes out to you and yours.

    I 100% hear and understand what you're saying about it being like someone's telling you to do it.
    It becomes so convincing and does seem like it's the only choice. It's not Farmer please believe this.

    It feels that way because your minds consumed with probably every negative possible which is quite understandable.

    It's imperative for your survival matey that you don't allow any further thoughts about suicide.
    As soon as a thought comes dismiss it and tell yourself you want to live! you'll get through this and because you have the love of your family friends and care from many.

    Self belief is a strong tool.
    Your strengths still there it's buried at the mo but this can change.

    If you look around the room or outside or dig into your memory you'll find or see things that are neutral or have/will/given you pleasure. Allow your mind to focus and feel only on that.

    If it's only 3 seconds that's -3 secs of pain.

    The exhaustion which compounds it more if thats possible due to the devastating affects lack of sleep has eventually your body will allow you decent sleep which gives you more strength too

    I understand too you need to process what's going on. Pfftt

    She can't win and she would if she destroys you any more.

    I believe in you and want to see you get through this.
    Thank you keeping us informed.
    Very best for tomorrow Farmer
    Full support and care to you all ⚘

    1 person found this helpful
  27. Farmer680
    Farmer680 avatar
    72 posts
    24 August 2020 in reply to demonblaster

    I am so appreciative of all the support, I wish my two friends who suicided had of known about all use beautiful kind people maybe they wouldn’t of done what they did, these dark thoughts of mine aren’t going to win, they keep creeping back in but I will try to erase them as soon as they come in, unfortunately the good people are the worst off in this world, I am nervous about tomorrow but I will stay strong I will let everyone know how I go tomorrow.

    thank you much appreciated.

    4 people found this helpful
  28. Ggrand
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    24 August 2020 in reply to Farmer680

    Dear Farmer..

    I too wish more people knew about these forums...especially the ones like your friends who thought the only way out was to leave this beautiful universe...I am deeply sorry for you loss Farmer...

    My heart warmed up when you said...” These dark thoughts of mine aren’t going to win”..I am so proud of you saying that..

    I am sitting quietly with you Farmer..listening to you care and support for you..

    I am wishing you the very best out come tomorrow and my prayers are with you Dear Sir..

    Thank you for letting us know how things go tomorrow...

    My care and kindest wishes Farmer..

    Grandy..

    2 people found this helpful
  29. Ggrand
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    25 August 2020 in reply to Farmer680

    Hello Dear Farmer...

    Just popped in to say I’m thinking of you today...

    🦋🌹🕊🌱🤗🤗..and if it’s okay giving you a warm gentle comforting hug...

    Grandy..

    2 people found this helpful
  30. Farmer680
    Farmer680 avatar
    72 posts
    29 August 2020 in reply to Ggrand

    Thank you everyone feeling better today Saturday , the court was adjourned on Tuesday until 1st of December, I am staying strong,

    have a nice weekend everyone.

    3 people found this helpful

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