hi and welcome,
I am about 20 years senior to you. Things had been tracking badly for more than 5 years for me. However something happened about 3 years ago that made me see my GP about depression etc. I was sent to a psychologist for a 2nd opinion and then sent back for a mental health plan. Then, 6 months after that, I was staring at something on a bench with thoughts of ending my life. Stress leave, add a psychiatrist and things are slightly better.
When all this happened I thought this only happened to me. Like you, there were days I felt OK. But mostly I was not. And when I was OK I thought it passed. Until that downward spiral started again.
On coming here, I found that I was not the only one with these types of thoughts - there were many people here that cared about me. And the same for you.
If you are anything like me and think of yourself as useless or whatever, please know you are loved, respected, have talents that other look for. Perhaps a new journey starts here. If you don't already, talking with others and/or a professional can help to find ways to cope.
Peace and comforting thoughts, Tim