Hi all, I’m new here but unfortunately not new to depression. It’s been a long tiring 18 years since it started. I came home after working away in The Kimberley and my daughter of 18 months, son of 6 months and their mother were gone and I had no idea where they were. Bags and boxes were packed in the lounge room with a note simply saying, please take to such and such transport yard.
That started a very tough fight for not only my survival, but for the proper upbringing and education I wanted for my kids. 3 years in court going for full custody, and looking at getting it, I found out I wasn’t the biological father of my daughter. She was 4 & half yrs old and within a week her mother told her. I had NO legal right to see her again and as I was paying child support at an unbelievable amount, ( more than my mortgage) I got very little back.
anyway it was never about money at all. I fought to protect 2 innocent children that I loved dearly.

anyway 2 weeks ago my ex girlfriend was in town ( not the mother of my son by the way) and she came around. I absolutely loved seeing her as I’ve really been struggling the last few months and I’ve been alone and lonely as I moved to a new state. 1 thing led to another and we got close again. It felt so normal and felt to me as we had never broken up. Then she started an argument because I assumed she’d stay the night and I’d taken Monday off work to spend with her.
Once again she got upset coz I was disappointed and she stormed out. Never saw her again and didn’t say goodbye when she flew back to my home town in NT that she moved to with her mum when she left me.
Then she proceeded to play mind games with me over the next 10 days. Making me feel like she wanted to try again, saying all the things I wanted to hear etc etc. Thursday all was good when I text her to let her know I had a surprise for her. She straight away called to tell me she thought we were not on same page. Even though I’d asked her 3 or 4 times if she was on same page as me. She wanted to know what I wanted and how I felt about her. I told her openly and honestly as normal and she bluntly told me she didn’t want to get back together. After 2 weeks of loving texts etc she told me we were mates and she was on my cheer squad encouraging me due to my depression. That did my head in and I rang to talk to her and she blamed me for upsetting her and told me I hadn’t changed one bit. Last night I wanted to end my life. I just wanted her love back.

Welcome the Beyond Blue forums and thank you for joining us tonight. It takes a lot of courage to reach out and we're really glad you've taken this brave step. We're so sorry to hear that you're going through such a hard time. Many things have happened in your life and it sounds like the cumulative effect is taking its toll on you. It's very hard to cope with dark, distressing feelings and thoughts when we're feeling lonely and uncared for. Please know that you're in a safe, non-judgemental space and we hope you'll find the support you need and deserve here.

We are also checking in with you privately to offer additional support.

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). You can also call Men's Line at 1300 78 99 78 to talk to a counsellor about what you're going thorugh.

We're very glad you're here and please know that you're not alone and there is always hope.

Hi again,

thanks for your email. I didn’t realise there was that type of care out there.
what I’ve written is only a skerrick of the story. If only I had the energy to tell it.
ive never deliberately done anything to confuse, manipulate or play with anyone’s feelings and emotions and I never would. I’ve been on the receiving end many times though and it’s cruel and very hurtful to say the least.
my ex has been the only person I’ve really opened up to about my past demons and depression and I think she has used that weakness to manipulate and hurt me recently.
She has done all she can to try and make me jealous and every time I’ve called her out. I’ve asked her to treat me with respect, that I’m not her friend to watch her move on with me on the sideline. I want to be in her life like we were or not at all. So she blocks me and cuts all contact. I can’t do anything about this tactic so I concentrate on my health and my life. Then she reappears and makes me feel loved again. I’m tired, I’m weak and I’m depressed. Have been since I lost my kids. But I never treat anyone that comes into my life that I fall for with disrespect or tarred with the same brush. I put all my faith into a new relationship in hope that I will be treated right and equally. But it doesn’t work out like that. I’ve lost 5 mates and associates to suicide all due to the loss of the right to be a loving dad to their kids and the brutal and bullying child support agency. I was told by one old bitch when they first made contact for money, (and before I even knew where my 2 little babies were) that she didn’t care if I slept in the gutter, I will pay child support. And I’ve been tracked and hunted since and paid dearly for bearing kids to a deceiving individual who only wanted the payout. I feel lost, betrayed, used and abused. I haven’t seen or spoken to my son in 6 years due to the conflict and animosity that an Australian government agency created but all the while have battled with depression and I believe PTSD And I’ve tried to do it silently so it will not interfere with another relationship that I do very want. Life kicks people at times when their down. I try to get up after each kick and there’s another one waiting and I don’t know how to fight it anymore. I’m a hard working Aussie bloke, kind hearted and loyal with all the right upbringings but I’m sick and tired of not being valued respected & feeling unloved by those that use the word so easily. Life has no joy anymore

Hi Freddy2110,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im so sorry to hear what has happened to you this must have been so heart breaking…….

I hope you get to see your children again……

I can understand how distressing it would have been for you to return home and to not have your children there…..

Can I ask if you have seeked professional help for your depression? You could see your gp and let them know how you have been feeling, you can do a mental health plan together this will enable you to see a psychologist……

I understand the darkness I have been there but after the help of health professionals I’m now living in the light and life couldn’t be better….

There is something good out there for you…. Just hang in there…

im here to chat

G’day Petal,

ive battled with depression for over 15 years after that fateful morning I couldn’t get out of bed to go to work. Everything just compounded and hit me at once and I didn’t know what was happening. I did go to see the GPand was diagnosed over the years I have seen numerous psychologists etc but due to financial pressure caused by Child Support I couldn’t afford to continue paying for sessions over and over.
my depression is wearing me out. I manage it with medication but it has affected every new relationship in one way or another I try to keep my past silent because I want a relationship to finally work for good and I don’t want to jeopardise it by revealing how broken I feel. I don’t know how to move forward when I feel as though everything wants to beat me down.
struggling, lost and lonely & emotionally destroyed by the most hurtful mind games my ex said she never played with me, moved on and left me dying on the inside.

Hi Freddy2110,

Thank you for your reply… 😊

Im so sorry you have been feeling this way I understand it’s difficult…

Im so sorry for what your ex did I understand that would have been very distressing.

I understand you have seen a gp, would you consider going back to a gp and doing a mental health plan together? This will enable you to see a psychologist the first 10 sessions are usually free…… I think it would be helpful for you to have regular sessions with a phycologist.

I understand it’s hard not knowing how to move forward…… I really do…. I suffered from severe anxiety OCD…. This condition was debilitating….. I didn’t know what was happening to me I thought I was going crazy…. I seeked professional help it was a journey but a journey I’d never regret taking because I’ve now recovered 4 years going strong and life on the other side is great and it can be for you too…….

Im now fully healed, for myself to heal I had to take a journey inwardly all of the thoughts and emotions I kept inside I decided to allow them to be there instead of pushing them away…as they wouldn’t come up …. If there were about someone that I felt wronged me in the past I chose to forgive them…….. I did this for myself not for the person.

When you forgive you heal, when you let go you grow.

I understand you try to keep your past silent but it’s ok to open up especially to someone who loves you… the people that love you want the best for you and will want to help you with your healing.

Please give yourself some self love, I understand that these events that happened to you were traumatic and distressing they were horrible but you can learn to take your power back….. you are still a worthy person… you deserve to be loved.

I’m here to chat