they/them

TW: s//lf h//rm, s//icide

I've always been a really good student, and it's the only thing I've ever prided myself on in the last couple years. I've been good at keeping up with schoolwork in COVID too, up until this last couple of lockdowns. I live in Victoria and I'm struggling so hard with this 7th lockdown - I can't bring myself to do schoolwork, and in this last 24 hours I've been in a state of crisis, crying and trying to resist the urge to start self-harming again. I've been clean for 3 months. I *have* been going for walks, which i really enjoy, but they don't really help my mental state like school tells me they will. I feel shit not only for myself, but for my family. They shouldn't have to deal with me. My mum is starting to act weird around me, and I hate feeling like I'm walking on ice constantly and it makes me guilty that I can't shut my stupid mouth and be normal. I just want everything to be normal and I feel so bad that I can't fix everything.

School is killing me. I try to keep up but there's just so much, I find myself waking up to go to Webex calls and then falling back asleep in 5 minutes' time and ending up missing it. I know from experience that calling the school and explaining won't help anything, because work is the priority. I've never done drugs sadly, but school makes me feel like I'm some sort of destructive addict ruining everything for their family because their mental health is in tatters. Three times in the last 24 hours, I've been left standing by myself having absolutely no clue what to do with myself. Just standing there and sobbing. It's the first time in a long while I've considered suicide.

I don't know what to do. Everything is terrifying and nothing helps me feel better.

Hi pinkfreud,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing here. What an incredibly brave thing to do, we hope you can see this as a really big first step towards feeling better. We’re sorry to hear what you’re going through, it sounds incredibly hard, and we don’t want you to be going through this on your own. Please know that we’re here for you, and you can call us on 1300 22 4636.

We are concerned about you, so one of our counsellors will be reaching out to you privately.  If you feel like you’re unsafe, this is an emergency and it’s important you call 000 straightaway.

Can we ask if you are currently receiving mental health support? We think it's important that you reach out to a trusted adult or health professional and let them know about this. This could be family, a school counsellor or a trusted teacher, or your GP or another health professional. We know how hard this can be, but please know you’ve made an incredible first step in sharing on the forum today, so well done. This community, as well as the counsellors on the Beyond Blue helpline, can support you to figure out how to get some help through this.

We really welcome and encourage you to call Beyond Blue to talk this through. They’re kind, understanding, and can give you some help with reaching out. They’re always available on 1300 22 4636, or you can use webchat or email, here.

A few more options are KidsHelpline on 1800 55 1800, Qlife on 1800 184 527 and Headspace on 1800 650 890. All of these options are also available through webchat, if you'd prefer:

• Beyond Blue
• Kids Helpline
• QLife (3pm-midnight AEST)
• Headspace (9am-1am AEST)

We hope you can be kind to yourself through this extremely difficult time. We’re here for you, and we don’t want you to feel alone with these feelings. Many forum members may have experience with some of the challenges you mention. We hope the support of other community members, who will likely join us on this thread soon, brings you some comfort.

Kind regards,

Sophie M
 

Hi pinkfreud,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

I understand it would be so difficult in the lockdown.

Its ok that you can’t fix everything…..I also understand that school would be stressful especially in this time….

It’s ok not to be feeling great about school just try to be kind to yourself….

Have you thought about making an appointment with your gp and letting them know how you have been feeling? You could do a mental health plan together this will enable you to see a psychologist….

I understand how it feels to be going through mental health………. I suffered with a very debilitating condition Severe anxiety OCD………. I have now recovered from this condition thanks to the help of health professionals and life on the other side of it is amazing it can be for you too……..

here to chat

The warmest welcome to you pinkfreud

I feel for you so very much as you face the kind of challenges that have never been faced before in the history of education. Please don't undersell the incredible effort you've been able to make up to this point. Being a Melbournian, I can relate to where you're coming from regarding the overwhelming impact this insane number of lock downs has had on our mental health.

Having left chronic depression behind me some years ago, the lock downs have seriously tested my ability to manage staying out of depression. There are some days where you can feel yourself passing this test whereas on other days it can feel like you're failing terribly. I'm mum to an 18yo gal and 16yo guy who are experiencing this as well. Based on my mental health history, we openly speak about mental health challenges in our house. The 3 of us have been helping each other as a group throughout the lock downs. The reason I mention this is because I believe this potentially depressing time in history cannot be managed without support. Do you think it's possible for you and your mum to begin turning to each other for advice and support? It's the role of parents to not just be there in the good times but also in the incredibly overwhelming times. Your parents are supposed to be your guides throughout any challenge, even when they're experiencing their own challenges.

Challenges can grow with each new lock down. You'd think things would get easier with experience but we're really not designed to live this way. We're social creatures, requiring social interaction, solid structure to some degree, guidance, support, avenues of excitement, adventure and relaxation. Take all these things away and we become naturally dysfunctional. Managing to develop skills/abilities is a must. It's a parent's role to research, brainstorm and teach skills or abilities that are needed.

The ability to recognise when mental health is being seriously taxed is an ability we feel, sometimes at an incredibly deep level. I know you have the ability to feel this. Feeling your way through managing school differently is important for your mental health. As I say to my kids 'Mental well being always comes before schooling, every time'. Depending on what year level you're in, is it possible to have your mum speak to the school so that you be allowed to simply give priority to CATs right now and that's it? This is something my son was able to manage last year when seriously struggling.

Hello Pinkfreud,

I battled with such terrible depression through high school, I cant even imagine what you are going through!

I am at uni at the end of a teaching degree and the Covid study challenges are very real and bringing up all the depression and anxiety I thought I had overcome... I have been in Melbourne this whole time and I understand that each lockdown really does get harder and there are only so many walks we can do to feel better right? I know school is your whole world, but it is such a small blink in the scheme of things! Don't put too much pressure on yourself, if you cant study some days just own it, binge watch your favourite show and do things to make you feel better. It doesn't matttttter! You matter.

It is super important to communicate with your teachers and family about what's going on for you, I wish I had. And keep in mind that the weird looks from your mum may be because she is struggling too... Its easy to take things personally in this headspace but try to be objective to yourself and other peoples emotions so you dont get too clouded.

Stay strong and I promise this will pass!