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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / I've become the thing I hate and tried self harming to cope / change.

Topic: I've become the thing I hate and tried self harming to cope / change.

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. Jitters_Jumps & Lurking Paranoia
    Jitters_Jumps & Lurking Paranoia avatar
    6 posts
    16 January 2021

    I haven't self harmed in a very long time so I'm currently writing this is a mixed state of self-hate, desperation, loneliness and confusion.

    I've been feeling blue for a while but the 'train', so to speak, was set in motion when I tried to talk about my worries to a well trusted family member but she got frustrated with me. I then found out that she was talking about me, my issues and what I've become to another family member. They met up together leaving me at home and I realised that I've become the person I hate. I have become greedy, ungrateful and selfish. I'm still childish despite my age and I'm bringing everyone around me into unnecessary 'dramas'.

    I'm hurting my loved ones without even realising.

    I never wanted to become like this but at the same time, I feel as if it's a good thing that I know what flaws others see in me. I always thought along the lines of 'Ignorance is bliss' but now I'm thinking that 'Power is knowledge'.

    My problem is that I tried to change myself through self-harm. I would then say what thing I've become, like 'greedy', 'selfish', 'burden'. 

    The problem was... it felt good and I have the urge to do it again and again. And I know that's not right.

    I'm at a loss. I have no one to talk to as everyone is busy with their own lives and my trust for my family is out the window. So I thought that maybe I'll try here - Let others know that they're not alone and maybe I'll finally begin to feel like I'm not alone either.

  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6816 posts
    16 January 2021 in reply to Jitters_Jumps & Lurking Paranoia
    Hey  Jitters_Jumps & Lurking Paranoia,

    Thank you for joining us this afternoon on the Beyond Blue forums. We're so sorry to hear how lonely and depressed you've been feeling. We're also sorry to hear that the family member you thought you could trust did not provide the support you were hoping for. We acknowledge it takes a lot of strength to open up about our issues, so we can imagine how painful it would've been for them to show frustration. Please know that you've come to safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

    If you feel it may be helpful, you are always welcome to get in touch with Kids Help Line. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under. We’d also welcome you to reach out to our Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport.

    We'd also like to let you know that our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you. We hope you keep chatting with us here on the forums.
     
  3. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    16 January 2021 in reply to Jitters_Jumps & Lurking Paranoia

    Hey Jitters_Jumps & Lurking Paranoia, welcome to the forums.

    I'm sorry to hear your battle with SH, and about your family. I have no family either, so I get what you mean. It's not right.

    You're not selfish, greedy and a burden. It's okay if you're struggling, but please keep yourself safe. We're always here for you, and you can also contact any of the following helplines, or 000 if it's an emergency of course:

    • Lifeline.
    • Suicide Call Back Service.
    • eHeadspace.
    • Kids Helpline.
    • 1800 RESPECT.
    • Blue Knot.
    • Butterfly Foundation.

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