When I was a teen, I promised myself that I would get far far away from my family and end my life at 30. Many years later, I managed to leave my family in China.

I thought I had been cured since then. Over here, I have a loving husband and an 8 months old daughter. I thought I would never want to give up my life again. Now I am turning 30 soon, I can't stop thinking about my old plan. This time, I choose not to tell my husband as I don't want to drag him into the endless hopelessness I feel all the time. I start to think what if I didn't have a husband or a daughter. Then I'd be free to do what I want to do. I've been thinking of divorce but fear that he'd be too heart broken to look after our little one.

I have thought of seeing my GP for this but don't have the courage yet. 

My daughter cried this morning when I dropped her off at the daycare. I know she needs me. I just wish I was never born in this world so I don't have any of these problems.

Why am I so weak?

Hi Mary91, 

Thank you for posting to the forums and for sharing your story. It is an incredibly brave thing to do to share your story, you never know who will read your post and feel less alone in their own experiences. 

We are concerned about you and your wellbeing at the moment and want to encourage you to give us a call on 1300 22 4636 to chat tthrough these feelngs.

We will also be reaching out to ask for your number so we can give you a call too. We hope you don't mind, we just want to make sure you are safe. 

Thank you again for your post and for being a part of this lovely, kind and welcoming community. We hope that you can let us know how you are feeling if you are comfortable sharing with us. We are here for you, you don't need to go through this alone.

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

Hi May91,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im sorry you are feeling this way..

You can change your plan……please stay ❤️

You have a beautiful daughter and a loving husband …. who LOVE you…

Please make an appointment with your gp you could do a mental health plan together this will enable you to see a psychologist, they will want to help you….

I went through a mental health condition my first point of call was my gp ……. my gp understood and was very caring and wanted to see me well again….. we did a mental health plan together….. I saw other health professionals and I’m now recovered….

I’m here to chat to you…

Hi May91,

Welcome to the forums, and thank you for joining us. I'm glad that you found it in you to join us, even though this plan seems so concrete.

I just want to touch on the idea of you feeling weak for a second. You're not weak. Quite the opposite. As someone who has struggled with suicidal thoughts, it can feel like agony to push through them constantly. I'm getting the sense that you haven't told anyone how you are feeling (feel free to correct me on that) which makes it a thousand times harder because you've been dealing with this on your own. It can take a lot of courage to keep going when your brain is telling you not to.

I'm glad that you are thinking about your husband and your daughter and the impact it would have on them. Is this what's made you post?

I hope you'll go ahead with seeing your GP. While I can see that you've been struggling for such a long time, I really do believe that things can change.

I hope this helps,

rt

Hi May,

First of all, You are definitely not weak. I am truly sorry about what you are going through. You seem like an amazing mother and wife.

Seeing a psychologist can really be helpful. They are trained to help you through your hardest struggles and can even give you medications to help you ease the pain.

Please stay safe and I am here to chat if you need me.