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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / I cant do this anymore ...

Topic: I cant do this anymore ...

  1. Supermum
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    34 posts
    8 March 2020 in reply to Supermum
    Hi
    I wrote my psychologist a letter . Challenging I must say now all I have to do is give it to him. All I want to do is just drift off. But that’s the easy way out isn’t it .
  2. smallwolf
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    8 March 2020 in reply to Supermum
    Hey! May I ask how you felt after writing the letter?

    My own experience tells me there is a release in letting it out and at the same time there is a realness to everything you have written down. Not that it wasn't real before but now it's in black and white. It is a very big step to do what you have done. Courage.

    The 5 steps forward, 2 steps back reminds me something my psychologist said. To get to the top of the mountain sometimes have to go down into valleys. Still on the way to the top but looking for an alternate path.

    One day I will tell you about kintsugi. In the meantime ponder these words... Strong, unique, golden. These words also apply to you.

    Tim
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  3. Supermum
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    9 March 2020 in reply to smallwolf

    Hi Tim ,

    It felt overwhelming and scary . I have such high expectations of myself that I see these things as failures or tainted. Which is bizarre as it’s not my fault ( I think ) I emailed my psychologist and let him know my plan so he’s ready for it !

    I agree with what your psychologist said it’s like you have to search not always for the easiest path but the path that gets you where you need to be . I just keep trying to focus on this to get me through the days .

    I felt tearful today , wanting the plan I have in place to end my life to happen now rather than when it will happen . Its the best way for everyone is how I’m thinking today . sigh 😔

     

     

     

  4. smallwolf
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    9 March 2020 in reply to Supermum

    On high expectations ... do you put that in the same category as Perfectionism? While I am getting better at handling this I blame myself for every small mistake that happens. Not sure if I said this before but for me, it is a side-effect of feeling not good enough when I was a child and it did not matter whether it was sports or academically I just sucked. The one thing I was good in my primary school years was singing, but when my voice broke that for me at the time was like losing the only thing I was good at.

    On the email ... if the email you sent was the letter in question, remember that it takes great courage to do that. The other way I look at it a sort of a free session - there might not be any immediate feedback, but you have also saved yourself in the time it would take you to tell the psychologist as well. Also, when I have sent an email, the feedback I also get is that she (my psych) gets an insight into how I think etc. And I am aware of the triggers that can also result - being transported to a time and place. Remember that was in the past and you have made it to here. You have made great strides to do this.

    On kintsugi ... an art in which cracked or broken objects are repaired. It takes time to repair. It celebrates the imperfections in objects. The repaired objects is actually stronger than before. It is unique compared to the other plates that all look the same. The gold dust used in the repair makes them pretty and precious! I have a piece of kintsugi as my phone background - it's my reminder.

    Peace to you,

    Tim

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  5. Supermum
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    34 posts
    10 March 2020 in reply to smallwolf

    Hi Tim , thank you for your words of support x

    I like the theory behind the art of kintsugi to make a broken thing more beautiful than before . I would like that , very much . To move forward and be beautifully imperfect and happy with that .

    But for now here I am .

    I’m concerned that I am paranoid and becoming increasingly more so which is making me angry and untrusting . I have unfortunately isolated myself somewhat whilst feeling suicidal and low and now I think my friends are saying malicious things etc . I appear to be quite self centred in the my mindset at the moment too . This paranoia makes me overthink which it turn makes me feel alone . It’s a wheel of misfortune !

    The battle I have with myself in my head between dying or living also troubles me . Is a voice that tells me that this is what I should do to be happy or just my conscience ? So therefore am I hearing voices that are not there ?

    Whom do I trust, why do I feel so alone , why have my friends abandoned me like they have . Do I deserve to be alive at all . All this whilst trying to work and keep my mask of im ok in place .

    Are you ok ? is a total lie . People do not want to know if you aren’t they leave you and just want to good time/ fair weather friend ....

    I just feel so totally alone .

  6. smallwolf
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    10 March 2020 in reply to Supermum

    What you are talking about in your last post about voices would be something to chat with your psychologist about. For me they are thoughts, or conversations with myself in my head. And if a read between the lines of things, I can blow things out of proportion. One of the many cognitive distortions dealing with.

    Also about me... when I feel/felt like you mentioned of being alone and abandonment was more of a mindset thing. There is one person who is not a mental health professional who really know what happened to me when I was in that suicidal period. We chatted after church one day - he knew something was not right with me - and told me that I was loved by lots of people. Difficult to hear and difficult to believe. Yet we need some sort of circuit breaker to help stop the negative thoughts. Now those words did not help immediately, and are still a work in progress.

    About the "Are you ok?" question ... I went to get a haircut one day. The barber asked me how I was. Similar to your question. I replied to him "That depends on what answer you want". He said "the real answer". So while I was getting my haircut we spoke about me, depression, suicide etc.

    If I were your friend, I would hope that you would give me the real answer also. (With that said, I do understand what you were getting on in that 2nd last paragraph.)

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  7. Supermum
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    34 posts
    12 March 2020 in reply to smallwolf

    Hi Tim , I will inform my psychologist of the thoughts or conversations in my head as I don’t know what they are in my mixed up head . Logical thinking is difficult at the moment . It’s so hard to differentiate what’s normal , what’s paranoid or just being aware . Everything is so mixed up .

    Regarding the alone part I understand what you are saying but mental health is something people are so very wary off and shy away from so I don’t want to be all honest and open up the Pandora’s box it scares people .

    I like your idea of work in progress and this reassured me . I just have to stop myself trying to rush it . To just let things be .

    Your words give me focus and direction and reassurance . Thank you

    Lianne

  8. therising
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    12 March 2020 in reply to Supermum

    Hi Supermum

    I feel for you so very much as you face this overwhelming struggle. I am hoping the following can offer you a different perspective:

    I look back on my suicidal thoughts all those years ago (whilst I was in my depression) and now view differently the complexity of them. 'I want to leave this world' vs 'I want to stay in this world' can become quite a back and forth battle. Many who have come out of their depression would say that the challenge is to achieve both at once. I know, sounds a bit bizarre. The 'you' or 'self' (in pain) that has learned to perceive this world the way you currently see it cannot live pain free. The 'you' that has the ability to see it differently, from a different perspective, sits on the verge of coming to life. The battle plays out between the 2. For me, I believe the focus on dying was really about letting go of that old self (laying it to rest).

    Now, everyday I sit down and channel in a bit of inspiration. It's become a natural part of my life. Not long ago, I experienced some turmoil and proclaimed to the powers that be 'I don't know what to do!!!' What came to mind was familiar, 'Let go. You have to let go'. So, there I was in some crazy internal conversation until finally I caved: 'Okay, I let go (of a lot of stuff I'd believed gave me a sense of security and defined me in some way)!'. I let go of a significant part of that which gave solidified my identity. While fearful, I was prepared to give up a lot in exchange for peace and a different way of viewing life. As I accepted the challenge, suddenly I became overwhelmed. I just couldn't stop crying for about 10 minutes. It was almost like I was grieving for myself (that self I let go of). I was really sobbing, pretty loud. By this stage I would have looked completely nuts to anyone who saw me.

    By the way, when facing a challenge in life that involves deep reformation, I naturally become pretty reclusive preceding this. It is a time of personal reflection and a time to reflect on the behaviours of those around me. It is a time of deep questioning and sometimes deep pain, as I reflect on disappointments. I then undergo a process of appointing new roles and healthier expectations and goals to rise to.

    Whilst the process we can go through (which has been labelled by some as 'The dark night of the soul') can be a natural process, it does not make it any less painful, knowing this. The dark night of the soul is an interesting topic with a unique perspective.

    :)

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  9. smallwolf
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    12 March 2020 in reply to Supermum
    And I will say thank you for kind words to me. I know what you mean by shy away - in the case of my barber he and I sort of knew each other. There are many people I will lie to about how I feel because the conversation is not worth it. And whether or not you feel ready to talk with someone else that would be your choice - I was just recounting one experience I had.

    Onto your whats normal... today I was with my psych and I was showing her the conversation in my head using my hands as puppets. One one side is me, and the other side is a like an evil Homer who you cannot argue against. She said that maybe I needed to pick a different character. I selected her - for me the standard pick a nonsense, or fictional character does not work. When I selected her the good me could allow for other possibilities. Guess what I an trying to say is that we all have to work out our own tricks and strategies of what works or does not work. Part of the reason why we were doing that exercise is that negative have the weight of a mac trunk, but a positive comment is like a feather - so put those on a set of scales and you know which side wins. Perhaps this is why I do not rush things as each time we chat I find another piece of the puzzle that is my life.

    Stay strong and peace and blessings,

    Tim
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  10. Supermum
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    34 posts
    17 March 2020

    My dads here which is wonderful I feel complete . But it’s bitter sweet ..my mums not here :( I miss her and listen to her daily . My dad is ok but he’s hurting and I’m hurting . He deserves to be cared for and I feel I wasn’t there for him and my mum when they needed me the most . The guilt is unreal . Please end this pain for my family .

  11. smallwolf
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    18 March 2020 in reply to Supermum

    I don't think we ever really forget our loved ones and some people will try to maintain some sort of continuing bond through photos, writing letters, etc that allows a relation of sorts to continue and in a healthy way.

    The guilt you feel is natural also - wishing you could have done more. It sounds like you have a good relationship with him. Have you spoken with you dad about this?

  12. Supermum
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    34 posts
    23 March 2020 in reply to smallwolf

    Hi ,

    I have in passing mentioned it , I didn’t want to dwell on it with all the ongoing madness at the moment . I’m trying as I'm sure we all are to be positive and hold my self together as my anxiety is trying to raise it’s ugly head ! But it’s not just me that I have to think about . To be honest it doesn’t bother me at all if I become sick and die , not in the slightest it takes the job and stigma away from me .

    To feel the thoughts you do when there are people fighting for their lives seems so selfish doesn’t it . It is to be honest selfish and ungrateful.

    I hope you are keeping well however .

    take care Lianne

  13. smallwolf
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    23 March 2020 in reply to Supermum

    From your post I an guessing that you are putting on a brave face to those you are interacting with?

    If the madness you read in the papers, or see on the tv is affecting you, then your thoughts and feelings are very important. In one way or another we are all fighting for our lives.

    me.... trying to remain positive in stressful times.

    Peace to you...

    PS. Can you tell me a little about your job?


  14. Supermum
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    34 posts
    23 March 2020 in reply to smallwolf

    I appear to be more transparent than I think ...

    Im a paediatric nurse, 25 years in the making !

  15. smallwolf
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    24 March 2020 in reply to Supermum
    I dont know about transparent except the wording did seem to indicate that you were looking out for others. I would hope you would realise that people who are working in the health areas are very much appreciated and especially at the moment. I would still understand how you feel in this changing world where everything is no longer as it seems. Yet in the midst of everything going on there are also stories of hope with people helping each other though I am unsure what will happen in the days and weeks to come. From me to you, thank you for all that you do.
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  16. Supermum
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    34 posts
    26 March 2020 in reply to smallwolf

    Thank you but there is no need to thank me it’s my job ❤️

    in a work of uncertainty I know what will happen next, I won’t be here .

    Simplicity

  17. smallwolf
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    26 March 2020 in reply to Supermum

    You sound a little like me with that statement....

    but there is no need to thank me it’s my job

    and perhaps not liking compliments? thing is, in our own environments we each have different talents, skills and strengths. This is something I have been working on recently with my psych. And I have to train myself to just say "Thank You." (with the full stop).

    Not sure how far in the future you are making that prediction in the second line. Some people I talk to have been making predictions also. And I don't really know what is going to happen tomorrow let alone in one week or month and trying to follow this plan of attack (from lifeline)...

    a “calm yet cautious” approach – do you best to remain calm and be mindful not to contribute to the widespread panic that can hinder efforts to positively manage the outbreak

    stay safe and peace to you,

    Tim

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