I feel for you so very much as you face this overwhelming struggle. I am hoping the following can offer you a different perspective:
I look back on my suicidal thoughts all those years ago (whilst I was in my depression) and now view differently the complexity of them. 'I want to leave this world' vs 'I want to stay in this world' can become quite a back and forth battle. Many who have come out of their depression would say that the challenge is to achieve both at once. I know, sounds a bit bizarre. The 'you' or 'self' (in pain) that has learned to perceive this world the way you currently see it cannot live pain free. The 'you' that has the ability to see it differently, from a different perspective, sits on the verge of coming to life. The battle plays out between the 2. For me, I believe the focus on dying was really about letting go of that old self (laying it to rest).
Now, everyday I sit down and channel in a bit of inspiration. It's become a natural part of my life. Not long ago, I experienced some turmoil and proclaimed to the powers that be 'I don't know what to do!!!' What came to mind was familiar, 'Let go. You have to let go'. So, there I was in some crazy internal conversation until finally I caved: 'Okay, I let go (of a lot of stuff I'd believed gave me a sense of security and defined me in some way)!'. I let go of a significant part of that which gave solidified my identity. While fearful, I was prepared to give up a lot in exchange for peace and a different way of viewing life. As I accepted the challenge, suddenly I became overwhelmed. I just couldn't stop crying for about 10 minutes. It was almost like I was grieving for myself (that self I let go of). I was really sobbing, pretty loud. By this stage I would have looked completely nuts to anyone who saw me.
By the way, when facing a challenge in life that involves deep reformation, I naturally become pretty reclusive preceding this. It is a time of personal reflection and a time to reflect on the behaviours of those around me. It is a time of deep questioning and sometimes deep pain, as I reflect on disappointments. I then undergo a process of appointing new roles and healthier expectations and goals to rise to.
Whilst the process we can go through (which has been labelled by some as 'The dark night of the soul') can be a natural process, it does not make it any less painful, knowing this. The dark night of the soul is an interesting topic with a unique perspective.