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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / I cant end it. But its just not happening

Topic: I cant end it. But its just not happening

8 posts, 0 answered
  1. Done19!
    Done19! avatar
    3 posts
    16 April 2019

    Over it.

    Left a abusive relationship over two years ago (he was a high functioning addict and drug user), as soon as the AVO was finished he moved around the corner and stopped paying child support. So since we left (well the police took him he got off as I had to drop charges as we had to sell house and I needed his co operation - I have no support network - he scared them off years ago) I work from home (my wage dropped 20k) as it was safer for my then, now 17 year old we got everything set up and was living off savings. He said he would pay half the school fees, all the music fees and CS. No he just paid the base CS (based on my 60k wage - which as I am terrified of leaving the house now have not had the time to get my taxes done and this amended - I dont drive). He also gave me a STD when went septic. Was told by all to have a holiday and rest. Well that has yet to happen still running. Was doing so well till November, I have life long endogenous depression with adjustment disorders, I was sober (only drank when I was with him) and then he moved around the corner so I cannot leave the house without him knowing or running into him. He sees our daughter when ever he likes and is manipulating her to the point where she no longer cares that he destroyed us emotionally and financially and was abusive in front of her for years - we could not leave we had no cash and no back up. In her eyes he is good and she has moved on and I have to deal with it. My mother died last year, we travelled to the funeral 200k I am an only child and have not been back to see or care for my failing 90 year old father as the daughter REFUSES and is in Year 11. I cant leave her with him. So now I am here. My wage does not cover everything, just rent, food and music and 50 left for food and bills. I don't leave the house because HE WILL come here. As I work I dont qualify for any assistance and I cant afford the time away from work to go to get anything. We have no friends or family. Have now gone the entire time without a visitor or phone call = work messages, 'friends' facebook and when I asked for someone to come and help me NOT ONE ANSWER. So now no $$$$, not one person to turn to, cant afford to move, have no one to help me move and a teenager who has a less than helpful consellor -apparently we have to 'move on and not be toxic'. Im done. I am tired. I want to die after my dad. I really dont want to do this anymore.

  2. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Croix avatar
    6706 posts
    16 April 2019 in reply to Done19!

    Dear Done19~

    Welcome here to this place which is full of gentle and understanding people. As sadly many will have been in an abusive relationship you will most certainly be understood.

    Can I ask -excluding your ex's activities for the moment - what are the most urgent things you think need doing?

    Ensuring you have proper medical support, both for this and your ongoing mental condition? Fixing your tax, supporting you dad, a better paying job?

    Anyone that manages to break out of an abusive relationship is to be admired, they may feel within themselves they have made big mistakes, however in fact it is all down to the other party -the abuser, who leaves the partner in a terrible condition -as you have found out. So well done!

    A 17 or slightly older daughter can easily be influenced and this may even last for a while, particularly as she may have a councilor who acts on a fantasy version of events that she supplies.

    I would suggest you ring

    Relationships Australia (1300 364 277) about their post-separation service and a free

    financial counseling service such as Anglicare (1300 111 278 during business hours may have your local number) over your current financial situation.

    Maybe nothing will be fixed quickly, but there is hope. You know you are capable of earning a decent wage. You know you are strong enough to take out an AVO, even if circumstances did not let you see it right the way though. Wise enough to ask for help here.

    Leaving the house, and letting your ex access your daughter would seem to be a major hurdle for you. Perhaps letting that one sort itself out in the short term and dealing with it later might be an alternative -what do you think?

    If you feel overwhelmed,I'd suggest giving the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) a call. They are very sensible and professional, they can be a comfort.

    Life does throw up horrible situations, and you have more than your fair share, getting someone on your side is a start.

    Please come back and talk more


  3. Doolhof
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Doolhof avatar
    6521 posts
    16 April 2019 in reply to Done19!

    Hi Done19,

    I too welcome you to the community on the forum. Croix has offered you some good advice and suggestions.

    I'm wondering if it would be possible for you and your daughter to visit your Father during the school holidays?

    Would it be possible for him to stay with you for a short time?

    When you do need to leave the house, can you do so via a route that does not take you past your ex's home as you mentioned he lives around the corner.

    I realise from what you have written, you are feeling very down at present. Are you able to receive any counselling to help you find some solutions?

    You may not have much free time, but is it possible for you to find some activities to do that you enjoy? Not everything has to cost much.

    Do yo think you might be able to join a club or group sometime while your daughter is at school of do you need to be working the whole time?

    Hope you find some solutions!

    All the best from Dools

  4. Done19!
    Done19! avatar
    3 posts
    17 April 2019 in reply to Croix

    My daughter is in a band. My ex goes to her gigs as I stay away not to cause issues as a result he is reinventing himself as the perfect father. Still drinking (as do all the other parents in the band) and still taking drugs. He works full time he earns twice what I do but will not pay her school fees or music fees and has NO contact with me. He has blocked me. But he lives 150m around the corner. If I go the house the police will be called. He has pulled the 'she is depressed and want to kill herself' to get me sectioned with them before (the hospital sent me straight home as I was fine). I cant leave the house. I dont want him to know what I am doing or see me out of the house. Before we moved he broke into the house and moved items and took a few things - just to let me know he was there. I dont want to ever give him that opportunity. Have called everyone - I have no money, I cannot afford time of work (stopped functioning months ago waiting for the sac as I have a performance based at home job). As for a new job I am in that lovely age group where jobs are as scarce as hens teeth and that means leaving the house and my teenager here and again he will be in the house (she has no control when it comes to the one who does all the 'fun' things with her). There is no help. AVO despite the fact my GP is pushing for it is out of the question as the perfect narcissist sociopath has been on his best behaviour with everyone and has his credibility back - im the neurotic mother backed by my daughter using this as excuses for nights away from the house or generosity from strangers (amazing the messages I have seen of things that never happened). Most urgent things is the tax and getting to the bank but I cant this week as I have to work and its a short week. I loose an hour and she does not eat. Counselling is useless. Honestly unless you have lived this crap and its absolute crap there is no way in hell you can understand it. He is doing this deliberately. After 20 years he knows exactly what buttons to push. Friends are just over it, in fact he made it a purpose in the days after the last event (when he was still using but telling all and sundry he was not) he went to my closest friends houses who we never visited (we never socialised I was not permitted to have visitors of phone calls either) he also messaged friends. I dont want to go I dont want him to win. No life left here though.

  5. Done19!
    Done19! avatar
    3 posts
    17 April 2019 in reply to Doolhof

    My dad is barely ambulatory. He cannot travel and I cannot get to him. My daughters band means she is constantly rehearsing or gigging. I cannot leave the house unattended or the animals. I have no one to watch them and I cannot afford the train fare. To leave the house and go to the shops I have to pass by his house. If I go to the other shops in the other direction there is a chance he will either be at the pub in his seat on the veranda or as in the other week when I did risk it in the shop itself. Panic attack. I dont want to see, smell or hear him. I still jump at yelling or noises. Counselling is useless. Absolutely useless. No I cant afford time off work and I don't like groups or activities - I have zero in common with anyone. Would be nice to be able to go for a walk or to the gym or pool but he goes there too. I did have a friend a beautiful soul we just chatted about day to day, married life kids and family. He found about him (nothing happened) found out where he worked and started following him. He had to sell his car repeatedly and finally sold up and moved. But as he was married the police were never called. So that ended. So no not much to do but stay here and go absolutely batshit crazy. I do garden, cant go out the front and do that now, he can see the front of the house and has been seen to stand there and watch. The police cannot do a thing - he has done nothing wrong. DAVO is done. He can live where he wants. And I do not want to trigger him. But I now have gone months without speaking with another person properly (shop assistants dont count really) spent all savings on getting cabs to do a mad dash to get the shopping during work hours (so work is not happy) and he has started to talk to my neighbours when he collects my daughter (great.. isolation complete - he is such a nice guy). So I go - after my dad - my daughter inherits (Its not suicide its deliberate health compromise) but I know he will then benefit from her. I just dont want to be here and deal with this anymore. I should have let him kill me. I have no life and no hope. I have worked through every possible detail and cannot find a way out. He has bankrupted us again by default. Now I understand why 1 woman a week is killed by her partner - perhaps we should revise the figures to those driven to it by them.

  6. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    1094 posts
    17 April 2019 in reply to Done19!
    Hi Done19!,

    It sounds like you are going through a very overwhelming time and we understand that times like these can make you feel like there is no hope for your situation to improve. Please know that you’re not alone in this. 

    As we are concerned about your wellbeing, our Support Service is trying to reach you via email. We’d encourage you to check in with them to talk through steps to keep yourself safe.

    Keep checking back in here as well and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it. 
    We acknowledge your strength in being there for your dad and daughter and ensure you that our community is here for you to help you through this difficult time.
  7. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Croix avatar
    6706 posts
    17 April 2019 in reply to Sophie_M

    Dear Done19!~

    I've no message this time. I've read your last two posts and can only offer the knowledge we think of you and believe, even though it is hard, that thngs do not stay the same for ever. You have strenght and you are a caring soul. You are valuable.

    You may think Mrs Dools is missing the point asking if there are things you can do you might have enjoyed. Actually she is spot on - you mind needs a distraction, preferably every day. A little thing to look forward to. I don't know what would suit you, I use books.

    You are not alone, no matter what


    2 people found this helpful
  8. Doolhof
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Doolhof avatar
    6521 posts
    18 April 2019 in reply to Done19!

    Hi Done19,

    Hopefully you can reach out to someone who can help you through the traumas you are living.

    Maybe Sophie_M and the Support Services have managed to talk with you and may have been able to offer you some advice.

    It seems like you do have so many issues to deal with. Is it possible to concentrate on just one for a moment and consider options. It can become completely overwhelming when there is so much happening for you.

    My words seem inadequate to assist you. I do so hope you manage to receive some help in some way.


    1 person found this helpful

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