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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / I cant get help or I'll lose everyone...Again!

Topic: I cant get help or I'll lose everyone...Again!

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. Zodiax
    Zodiax avatar
    1 posts
    12 September 2019

    For years I've struggled with depression, anxiety and PTSD. At the end of last year, I had an episode and attempted suicide. For almost everyone in my life, it was a shock, despite me being somewhat open about my mental health issues and medications. My friends were aware I was medicated but we never had serious talks about my feelings. I have an absolutely chronic issue of never opening up emotionally or having serious talks (about myself) because thats just not how I was raised, touchy feelings make me very uncomfortable and humour is my go to default for evading conversations.
    After my attempt, I was in hospital for a few weeks and found it such a relief that people now knew how bad it really was for me and I didnt have the burden of hiding it anymore. I was initially very upset and angry at failing, but was quickly convinced by support from the hospital that it was such a good thing to still be here and have people know. I was convinced that when I went home, I'd be embraced with love and support that I could finally realise and appreciate. I'd be able to breathe.
    That wasnt close to my reality though. All my friends and even my immediate family have either left or severely pushed me away. I have one friend left and she is my life. Everyone else decided that it was just another one of my jokes and it wasnt serious. I felt incredibly socially isolated. I eventually found out some of them had been saying I faked it, then soon after I found out one friend had been asking the others not to invite me to things anymore. None of them are my friends anymore, I stopped trying. Ive made some new friends now but lately things are getting turbulent again and I'm ok, but I really think I should seek help soon. But I'm now aware that I've developed an unhealthy thinking about opening up and seeking help. My last experience with suicide left me with no friends, a damaged reputation, no trust, more mental health issues and break downs in my immediate family relationships. I need help, but I'm not bringing my new friends in to it, nor my best friend as shes had to help me so much already and I know shes got too much on her own plate right now. It's not fair on her.

    I know myself, I'm not going to talk to someone I know about how I'm feeling right now; But I'm also worried I may not ever open up again at all and that thought bothers me more, knowing what path it leads me down.

    How do I start talking about suicide and mental health again? I can't lose everyone again.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    12457 posts
    12 September 2019 in reply to Zodiax

    Hello Zodiax, and a warm welcome to the site.

    What you have told us, is I'm sure, a familiar story for a lot of us, however, it still doesn't stop the pain you have to go through and I'm very sorry that you have had to experience this for yourself.

    It's not easy for people to open up, firstly because that's not how they were raised or secondly because they fear of what sort of reaction they will receive or what type of rejection will be offered, and unfortunately, when you try to end your life, then people finally take notice.

    Those family/friends old or new who realise that you have a problem will approach you and know that they want to help you and will remain with you, not only now and through your struggle but well after as well.

    Can I suggest as I do mention to other people, that you start writing a list of how you are feeling, and I say this because down the track something might have been forgotten and not worrying now, but it has been a trigger before and could possibly come back to annoy.all of us have had to suffer from our own type of depression and understand how you are feeling.

    We hope to hear back from you.


    2 people found this helpful
  3. romantic_thi3f
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    romantic_thi3f avatar
    2009 posts
    12 September 2019 in reply to Zodiax

    Hi Zodiax,

    Welcome to the forums and thanks for being here and decided to post. I honestly feel devastated reading your post and seeing that after attempting suicide, the people that you cared about literally left or pushed you away. That must have been so hard to go through. I imagine that even though they probably care about you deeply, losing you scared them - so it became easier for them to create distance or make jokes about it. Even if it was the worst thing that they could do.

    I feel like you are at a crossroads. On one side, you decide not to talk to anyone at all. So the pros I'm guessing are that your friend doesn't worry more and there's no risk of losing that relationship. Does that sound about right? and the cons would be that, well, you have to deal with all this pain constantly.

    But then the other option is to get some help, but that involves maybe losing your friend if she's not able to cope with how you're feeling. But then the pros are that you can get the help you want and deserve again and be in a place where it is good to be here.

    I don't know if this has been on track with your post at all, and I certainly can't answer your question for you. But I do know that if you decide not to talk about it, dealing with that pain could mean that you feel like the only option is to attempt suicide again, and I really don't want for you to do that. :)


    1 person found this helpful
  4. Quercus
    Community Champion
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    Quercus avatar
    3300 posts
    12 September 2019 in reply to Zodiax

    Hi Zodiax,

    Thank you for giving posting here a go. You wrote that you've recognised it's time to seek help and even though your past experience were horrible here you are taking action. I wonder if you can see your own strength as we can?

    The replies from Geoff and RT say it all really... What your 'friends' said was completely rotten and cruel. I wish I could say it was uncommon, but often people have no idea how to even approach the topic of suicide let alone support someone without judgement. Then there are people who are jerks at heart. Unfortunately finding out this when you are vulnerable is devastating.

    You mentioned being afraid to speak to friends and I can relate to this. I find speaking to a professional easier because it isn't personal. Every psychologist, psychiatrist or counsellor is different and it is ok to 'shop around' to find one with a style that you feel comfortable with. For example I see an older male psychiatrist who others might find abrupt but that suits me because I want a formal doctor. If he was too friendly or informal I wouldn't feel able to talk. If he is a doctor I pay to listen and help it doesn't hurt as much if he lets me down.

    Do you feel like a medical approach could be an option for you?

    Part of this need stemmed from experiences at my old work and wanting to protect myself. A friend/colleague asked at lunch if I was alright because I didn't seem like myself. I spoke up openly and admitted I was managing thoughts of suicide with my psychiatrist but was more stable. Next thing I knew manager called me in saying someone had made a complaint about me and talking about feeling suicidal at work was inappropriate and upsetting people around me. I quit because I felt so worthless and embarrassed.

    Like RT said... I'm glad you are alive and even more so that you're still trying to reach out. These forums are a blessing because they are anonymous so if you want to keep joining in here this is a safe place to talk too.

    I hope you find the support and compassion that you need and deserve. There's no judgement here.


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