For years I have struggled with Anxiety, Depression, PTSD, self harm, suicidal ideation and last year diagnosed with EUPD (aka Borderline Personality Disorder - so I was told by a new psychiatrist).

In the last 4 months I have severely struggled and am now facing the realisation that I am the toxic one in my relationship with my partner whom I've been with for 16years and have 2 young children with.

I feel so guilty because of the way my illness has affected my family. My eldest mimics my behaviours when she is emotionally distressed. My partner has said he "can't go through it again" and I'm scared of hurting my youngest.

I feel I'm causing more harm then good by being here, and have felt this way for a long time. I don't know whether seperating from my partner and leaving my children, to try and heal myself is the right choice when I don't see things getting better. I've tried different forms of therapy, ongoing counselling sessions, medication, but I just want to give up. My partner doesn't trust me with our children because I became so unwell in the past I was close to being admitted to hospital.

I saw a GP yesterday (he wasn't much help) and have an appointment next week with a psychologist, I just I don't know how much longer I can keep going. I just feel so exhausted.

Hey Lease,

We can hear that you're feeling really low at the moment and are managing a lot of complex emotions. It takes a lot of courage to be so open and honest with your feelings, and we are so glad that you have reached out here tonight. Please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space and our community is here to support you through this difficult time.

It's great to hear that you have booked an appointment with a health professional. We think it's really strong of you and so important that you have been so proactive in recognising you need some help and seeking it. We recognise that this must be an overwhelming situation for you, so we just wanted to let you know that if you find yourself feeling particularly overwhelmed before your next appointment, please know that there is help available to you. 

MensLine Australia is a free 24/7 telephone and online counselling service for men with emotional health and relationship concerns. You can contact them on 1300 78 99 78 or https://mensline.org.au/

You can also get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.

Hi Lease

Thank you kindly for reaching out and putting so much trust in us here. As Sophie said, your pain and exhaustion is so visible in your post. I do feel for you as this is truly a lot that you have been dealing with. It must feel overwhelming as well.

I hope you don’t mind me asking but how did you come to think about yourself as the toxic one in your relationship? I understand your struggles but what I also see/hear in your post is a lot of courage, honesty, owning up, being responsible and most importantly loving your family. It takes a lot of courage to reach out and tell your story. It also takes a lot of courage and other strong values I had mentioned about you, to write what you had written. 

I know this might be easier said than done but what do you think would be some small steps you could take first towards a change? Even, if it’s one step? It’s very difficult and daunting to try to fix/change the entire situation. How about starting with one small thing and gradually adding more so the new situation doesn’t overwhelm you? What’s the first thing that comes to your mind that you would like to improve? What’s the first thing that comes to your mind that could help you to achieve it? You might be already taking these steps, without realising and giving yourself a credit for them i.e. seeing a GP, booking a meeting with a new psychologist, actively thinking how to change/improve things for your kids, your partner. You might feel so exhausted that you won’t even see these acts as positives, however, they are. 

Hi Lease,

Wellcome to our forums!

So sorry you are feeling this way I understand it would be so difficult for you………… I understand how it feels to feel like you are drowning and you can’t seem to find a way out….. I understand the exhaustion and terror of anxiety and I understand the dark thoughts that accompany this…. I know how it feels to try to gather the strength to face another day…… I understand when all you want to be is a mum but you have everything else to deal with….. I know it’s hard, it’s really hard but you WILL get through this! I Did and you CAN!

Its not your fault you that you are going through this……. It’s something that has happened to you but with the correct help you can learn to overcome what you are going through….

YOU are supposed to be here! You are a mum to your beautiful children and they need you! You are one of the most important people in the lives of your children…… stay with them! You will heal….. in time…. There is no time limit to healing……..

I understand you have tried different therapies……. just keep searching you will find the correct therapy for you……. I understand you were nearly admitted to hospital once because you were unwell…….. it’s ok to be admitted to hospital……. The people are there to help you…..

im sorry your gp wasn’t helpful, I hope your phycologist appointment goes well…… please don’t give up if the health professionals you saw weren’t helpful see different ones….

I went through a mental health journey….. I had severe anxiety OCD…… I’ve now recovered thanks to the help of health professionals….. and life couldn’t be better…… I felt like I was living in an internal hell when I was in the grips of OCD…… if I can recover there is hope that you can too…….the therapy I did was meta cognitive therapy……. Maybe you could look into this therapy and see if it’s a fit for you……… I also saw a clinical psychologist………… maybe you could see a clinical phycologist and a psychiatrist for further support and advice?

We are all here as a community to support you……

Im here to chat, your not alone in this