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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / I feel selfish for having self harm thoughts

Topic: I feel selfish for having self harm thoughts

6 posts, 0 answered
  1. melo
    melo avatar
    2 posts
    8 June 2021

    I’d probobly regret posting about this in the morning, but I just really needed to talk to someone, for someone to understand.

    I’m a 15yearold who struggles with depression and anxiety. I can not afford going to a medical professional nor does my family have the time to take me, they do not think it’s a great deal of an issue so I’m really stuck here with invalidating my own thoughts, and wondering if I’m doing this for attention or if it’s not a big deal.

    latley, I have been feeling like I can’t talk to anyone. All my friends have their own problems and I don’t want the burden of my nonsense to be on their plate aswell. Recently everytime I feel like I’ve failed or disappointed someone, I have an urge to harm my self.

    Ive struggled with self harm in the past when I was 12, I only did it once or twice. I do not know why. I haven’t told anyone about this and I haven’t told anyone about the constant build up of having the urge to do it again.

    am I bad person for wanting a break? All my friends do is tell me about their problems, and I love helping them I really do. I listen to them and I support them the way I can. For example my friend is struggling through the start of developing Ed. I went through something similar to what she is going through in the past, and still are.

    I listened and understood, I supported her and helped her. But I felt bad, for some reason I felt selfish for wanting her to ask if I’m okay. Because during these conversations I’d think about my self harm and intrusive thoughts. And recently she told me she wasn't doing well whilst we were on a call. And I felt like a failed.
    I felt like a horrible person and I felt like I couldn’t help her.
    everything piled up over and over again and my head started ringing.

    why do I feel selfish for wanting to be asked if I’m okay.

    I don’t have the confidence to end my life, and that’s not why I do self-harm. I do it to my self for punishment. I feel stupid

  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6618 posts
    8 June 2021 in reply to melo
    Dear Melo,

    We want to assure you that we hear you and we want you to know that you've done the right thing by posting here tonight and looking to share your story. The community here is very supportive and non-judgemental to the differing experiences of all our users. We’ve also reached out to you privately to check in and see how you’re doing.

    It can be incredibly difficult to try and take care of ourselves, as well as others. It is very important to be able to look after ourselves and make sure we are getting the support we need. This doesn't make you selfish. You deserve to be cared for as anyone else does.


    It's also important to remind ourselves that as much as we can help our friends, they are ultimately their own people with responsibility for their own actions, we cannot hold ourselves responsible for their wellbeing.

    If you are looking for another place to be heard and understood, we would also recommend speaking to our friends at Kids Help Line on 1800 55 1800. If you feel like the urge to self-harm worsens and it’s an emergency, please call 000.
     
    2 people found this helpful
  3. romantic_thi3f
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    romantic_thi3f avatar
    3151 posts
    8 June 2021 in reply to melo

    Hi melo,

    Thanks for joining us here. I'm really glad that you didn't delete your post. I hope that Sophie's reply was helpful and maybe you thought about contacting Kids Helpline.

    I promise you this - you aren't a bad person, you aren't stupid, you aren't selfish.

    Everything that you are feeling makes sense given what you are going through. Honestly, I read your post and I was thinking are you me? I could just relate to so much of what you said, especially being the one that's there for your friends when you really need someone to be there for you too. I remember that I felt really worthless, and that if I'd died it would be just kind of easier for everyone because I felt like a bit of a burden, is that how you feel too?

    I believe you and I believe that you are in pain. I don't think that you're making it up, and I think that you're trying to push it all aside like it doesn't matter so that you can be there for your friends. But your pain does very much matter and you deserve to be heard. If I was seeing you in person I'd probably jump in and give you a hug, so if that's something you want I'm giving you an internet hug instead.

    Feel free to post again, or if you don't feel like posting it's okay to journal it out (that's something that helped me) and contacting Kids Help Line too.

    I hope this helps

    rt

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Sad_Mushroom
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Sad_Mushroom avatar
    239 posts
    13 June 2021 in reply to melo

    WOW.....for 15yo you really have a whole heap of instinct and insight...GOOD on you.

    Your post was so well worded and you obviously have a very high intellect. I do not think you need anyone. I think you have your own back.

    Sometimes we are just too far ahead...,..YOU are too far ahead. YOU are special.

    Be kind to yourself as you are kind to others.....

    1 person found this helpful
  5. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16219 posts
    13 June 2021 in reply to melo

    Hello Melo, and a warm welcome.

    Those above me have made some great comments and no, one mistake people think is that they may believe whatever they're doing is for attention, but that's not right if there is a problem they can't seem to overcome, then help is needed and pleased you've come to the site.

    As you have mentioned 'intrusive thoughts' can be related to anxiety and could indicate OCD in a harmful way, so please type this into the search bar at the top of this page or in your search browser and I'm only saying this as I have OCD.

    At your age you are entitled to see a doctor without the consent of your parents and would suggest you try and book an appointment.

    If you self harm as punishment to yourself then please don't think this way, and I say this because if you do have OCD it makes us do certain things like obsessions and compulsive activities that seem to be unusual to other people.

    Hope Milo you can get back to us.

    Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful
  6. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16219 posts
    13 June 2021 in reply to melo

    Hello Melo, my reply is waiting for moderation.

    Geoff.

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