Everything is just too much, and it was bad enough before but now I’m alone and I can’t handle it. I don’t know how to deal with him being here but not really being here. I have a plan and I desperately want to go through with it but I don’t want him to blame himself at all, I know he’s helped me more than I deserve but I’m worried that he might not realise that (I have told him).
I’ve been trying to actually see someone in person at headspace (even though I know it won’t help and will just be another source of stress). We spent over a week doing phone tag to set up an intake call, then the date we scheduled the duty worker was sick, so a new time was scheduled but they called late so I was driving cause I had given up on waiting, then when I called back they said they’d call back in 2 minutes snd they haven’t called even though that was days ago.
I knew that trying to get help was probably gonna make things harder but I didn’t expect it to make things harder before I’d even started.
I just alternate between paralysing anxiety and not having the energy to care about anything. Lately they’ve been blending into one, I just live vaguely distracted, not doing the things that I need to or making important decisions, but with fear inside.
The hole in my chest is back, but the edges used to be blurry and numb. Now they’re torn and ragged and they hurt so much.
Everything just hurts. I miss him even though he’s still here. I hate myself for not being productive but I still don’t do anything. I’m actively trying to get help because he said I had to but it seems impossible.
None of it is worth it. He’s the only reason I haven’t gone through with it and I don’t know if that’s enough anymore.