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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / I’m trapped. How can I escape? There’s no hope.

Topic: I’m trapped. How can I escape? There’s no hope.

  1. fml3
    fml3 avatar
    14 posts
    19 January 2021
    The pictures and flashes of me killing myself are an endless loop. They go on and on and on and I can’t stop them. I don’t know what to do anymore. I get triggered so easily. I just want this pain to end. I’m trapped in my own head. I’m suffocating in air I thought was safe. I can’t escape... how do I escape this? There has to be another way. I fear there may not be any hope for me anymore. No one can help me so why bother? It’s like I’m dead already, just watching myself. Like I’m not even here anymore. What’s the point of this. It’s getting too much, how do I escape my own mind?
  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    4414 posts
    19 January 2021 in reply to fml3
    Hey fml3,

    Thanks for joining us on the Beyond Blue forum tonight. We're so sorry to hear how in distress you are and can imagine these flashes of suicide would be very disturbing. We really hope our community can support you through this and be a space where you can share these thoughts as a way to not feel so trapped. Our community is a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and we are here to offer as much advice and conversation as you need.

    We are sending you through a private message with some extra support.
      We would strongly recommend that you get in touch with Kids Helpline - https://kidshelpline.com.au/. It sounds like you're in a really tough situation and it might help to talk it out whenever you're feeling overwhelmed. Kids Helpline counsellors can be contacted 24/7 via telephone and also via webchat if you go through the website provided.

    We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

    Please check-in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.
     
    1 person found this helpful
  3. Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Katyonthehamsterwheel avatar
    1122 posts
    19 January 2021 in reply to fml3

    Hey there

    That must be really frightening for you. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. How long have you been having these thoughts, and have you been able to share this with anyone in your life? I really hope you've got some close support or that you've been able to ring the helplines for a chat, as Sophie has suggested. They are great to talk to and get things off your chest, and can also direct you to where you can get help in your area if you want to.

    It's really difficult when we get trapped in our head with our thoughts and feel like we can't escape, but there are strategies which can help you to manage it. Is there anything going on in your life that's hard right now? I'm happy to listen if there's anything you want to talk about. I've been in the same space as you before, and I want you to know that things can get better.

    I'm listening. Katy

  4. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    4414 posts
    20 January 2021 in reply to fml3
    Dear fml3,

    We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

    We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
    Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 
     
  5. Aaronsis
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Aaronsis avatar
    2224 posts
    20 January 2021 in reply to fml3

    Hello fml3

    I wanted to stop in and say how proud I am of you for talking here, for posting here and for sharing such raw emotions that you are feeling, for reaching out to us when you are feeling like there is no point, but mostly for choosing you and choosing to stay.

    I have no idea, no idea how painful these feelings must be for you, how the feeling of not being able to escape and not having any hope must feel like, what I do know though is that there are people who care, very much and sometimes it is the kindness of strangers on a place like this that can make you feel even the smallest bit of hope, of light that there are better days ahead, even a better moment in one day, even just for a minute.

    As Katy and Sophie_M have said, we are here to listen and to sit with you through this time and to share anything you might want to talk about more, if you feel comfortable to that is. This is a very safe space and you are not judged here, you are not alone here and you MATTER, so very much. I know this may only seem like words on a screen but they are not, you can share and to reach out to us when you feel so very bad, the distraction here in chatting might be enough to give you some peace, even for a moment.

    I was also wondering if you could reach out to your GP and get some support today, to get some professional advice and guidance. It might be hard to have the conversation but you can write it down on paper and hand it to them if that is more comfortable for you.

    Also there are the support lines too that are backed with some of the most wonderful and caring humans that also want to see you have a moment of hope, and to let you know you matter, that people do care so much about you.

    I hope to chat to you some more and I hope that there is one small moment of hope in today for you.

    Hugs

    Sarah

  6. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Doolhof avatar
    8239 posts
    20 January 2021 in reply to fml3

    Hi fml3,

    I'm so very sorry you are this horrible place right now where your mind is taking you on this seemingly relentless journey of confusing and stressful images and thoughts.

    You mentioned you want the pain to stop! That is a huge recognition of what is happening for you right now! It is the mental pain and anguish you want to stop. You have had enough of what ever it is that is tormenting your mind.

    When these thoughts start to enter your mind can you just say the word STOP! In your head or out loud. It helped me once I had the strength to say it. I had to realise I had the strength to stop what my mind was saying to me! It was a revelation that took time and effort.

    You might not be able to achieve this right now and that is okay. Please reach out for all the help you need. I phoned the support services daily for a while until I could stand on my own two feet again. You don't have to do this alone!

    Please know people here do care for you. Kindest regards and sympathy for all you are experiencing, from Dools

  7. fml3
    fml3 avatar
    14 posts
    21 January 2021 in reply to Doolhof

    Hi Dools

    thanks for trying to help. I believe I am unable to be helped at this point right now... I wish there were just this switch which could erase all these mental health issues and the pain. I’ve tried for so long now to stop the thoughts and get rid of them but nothing works. Nothing will work. Nothing will help them I suppose. I shout at them to stop desperately every single time but they never do. They just keep getting stronger and stronger until I’m either crawled up in a ball sobbing until they pass or taking unnecessary risks that I later regret. I hate myself and the way I am.

    I didn’t think the thoughts and urges of suicide and depression would reach the intensity they got to than when it did when I first attempted suicide last year. I am almost at the same point now. I’m trying so hard to cope and battle this. It’s so, so hard I don’t know how much longer I can take. Especially with all the added stress and pressure I’ll have when school (I am currently in high school) starts.

    This seems impossible to overcome right now... even though I am not worth it or deserving of it, thank you for your (and everyone else’s too) support. It means a lot, the only sliver of hope I have right now.

    jj

  8. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    4414 posts
    21 January 2021 in reply to fml3
    Hi fml3, we’re glad you have checked in on the forums tonight. We are so sorry to hear that you are suffering with such troubling thoughts and feel that nothing will help.  We understand that this would feel overwhelming, and we know it can be so hard to reach out for support. We're sure that a lot of our community members will relate to these feelings and hopefully some of them will pop by to offer you words of wisdom and kindness.. 
     
    For further support, we recommend you get in touch with Kids Help Line. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under. Headspace also support young people and offer a wide range of services including online and telephone counselling.  
     
    Please also feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.
     
  9. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Doolhof avatar
    8239 posts
    21 January 2021 in reply to fml3

    Dear jj,

    I can feel the pain and anguish in the words you are writing. My heart goes out to you. Please know that in my mind I am reaching out to you, my thoughts are with you. I know this may mean very little and seem a little empty, I hope in some small way it helps.

    Last year I was in a desperate situation. I was struggling immensely. I didn't know how to take one more step. I would go for a walk and spend ages just crying under some random bush I had collapsed next to.

    I reached out to people here on this forum. People supported me. I didn't know them, yet I felt their care and concern.

    When our minds are so messed up and tormented it honestly feels like no one can help. They can! Use the phone supports, even if you are crying the whole time and blubbering, try talking to someone.

    Would you consider going to a Dr or a hospital to ask for help? I am not sure what your experiences have been in the past. I hope you have the courage to try.

    Right now you are struggling to help yourself. Allow others to help you.

    Is there one little thing that brings you even a miniscule amount of comfort right now? Can you focus on that one thing and try to expand it slowly?

    My heart goes out to you jj. With kindest and caring thoughts from Dools

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Amanda2000
    Amanda2000 avatar
    72 posts
    21 January 2021 in reply to fml3

    Hi jj,

    You are not alone! I feel trapped just the same. I share your feeling that nothing will help. It's all too overwhelming, right? This week I've had 1 good day when I started practising mindfulness but all the other days have been a struggle. I keep telling myself that tomorrow will be better, and if it turns out to be the same, then we try again the next day. Think of it this way, when you were little and you were not tall enough to see over the fence, but as you grow and get taller, you see more and more each day. You might not be able to make sense of the situation now but maybe one day you will look back and feel great that you've lived through it. I really hope this can help you.

    1 person found this helpful
  11. mb20lover
    mb20lover avatar
    3350 posts
    21 January 2021 in reply to fml3

    Hey fml3, welcome to the forums. I'm really sorry to hear how you're feeling.

    I have PTSD myself, I don't have it as bad as others but I do have it (I have nightmares, flashbacks, etc). So I understand to a certain extent having flashbacks etc often like you mentioned, and it's hard, if not impossible to stop. I totally understand that, and certain triggers.

    I wish I could do more to support you, I'm sorry I can't. But please know that I care about you and I'm here for you, all of the forum does and will support and be there for you too. Please stay safe, we're concerned for you.

    You're safe here.

  12. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Doolhof avatar
    8239 posts
    22 January 2021 in reply to Amanda2000

    Hi Amanda,

    Welcome to the forums. Thanks for sharing how you are feeling. Sometimes our posts can become lost on the threads created by other people. Please know you are most welcome to share and contribute any where you like. If you would like to create your own thread you are welcome to do that as well.

    I'm sorry to read you are struggling, that life is sometimes overwhelming and you feel trapped. Hopefully you can keep telling yourself tomorrow will be better. I'm struggling a little myself and try to tell myself I can make today better as well.

    Negative thoughts can so quickly take control can't they! I really hope today is a better day for you.

    I look forward to reading more of your suggestions. I like the analogy of seeing more and more each day.

    Cheers to you from Dools

  13. fml3
    fml3 avatar
    14 posts
    24 January 2021 in reply to mb20lover

    Hi mb20lover

    Thank you for posting. I’m sorry that you have nightmares and flashbacks due to PTSD. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you and others who suffer from it. And yeah, I agree with you about the triggers and how it seems impossible to stop. It’s hard. You have already done so much by just posting here, thank you a lot. I’m sorry I haven’t replied sooner, I’ve been getting worse and I was isolating myself from everyone for a bit and trying to cope either everything. I’m empty now. It’s like there is nothing left in me anymore, like there’s nothing worth living for anymore either... I sound so selfish, I’m really sorry. Thank you a lot for being supportive,

    jj

    1 person found this helpful
  14. fml3
    fml3 avatar
    14 posts
    24 January 2021 in reply to Amanda2000

    Hi Amanda,

    Yeah, it really is too overwhelming most of the time. For me it is either feeling extremely overwhelmed and distressed or completely empty and numb. I don’t know which is worse to be honest. It’s really good that you are hopeful! I wish I could say the same for myself. I will try what you have suggested if I have enough energy tomorrow, thank you a lot. Please keep going forward and hoping.
    jj

  15. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Doolhof avatar
    8239 posts
    24 January 2021 in reply to fml3

    Hi jj,

    You don't sound selfish at all, you sound tired and exhausted. That is understandable with what you are experiencing.

    I found it helpful to share here how I was feeling, to have been acknowledge it is okay to struggle and that there is hope, sometimes it is just hard to find.

    Some days I would Google "Cute Animals" or "Natures wonders" or listen to music that helped to calm my heart, mind and soul.

    Are there places that you usually find comforting or interesting? Are you able to loose your thoughts in a book for a while or something similar?

    Regards from Dools

  16. mb20lover
    mb20lover avatar
    3350 posts
    24 January 2021 in reply to fml3

    Hey fml3. Yes it is difficult.

    No need to apologise about not replying sooner, I've been struggling myself so I understand. I feel the same way you described.

    You're not selfish at all, I promise you

  17. Amanda2000
    Amanda2000 avatar
    72 posts
    25 January 2021 in reply to fml3

    Hi jj,

    Haha I'm not as "hopeful" as you may think. Just desperately trying to think of ways to cope. I get anxiety from people and noise, germs-anxiety and ocd. It's been getting worse and worse in the past month which is why I decided to join the group. I wanted to talk to people who understand first-hand. Yes I can relate totally to everything you said. Unlike a physical illness where you can just take the medication and rest to recover, a mental condition takes so much hard work on the mind and it does get exhausting. A coping-strategy I've started using when my trigger/anxiety hits is to imagine the worse that can happen at that very moment. For example, if I'm watching tv in peace-and-quiet and then suddenly I hear loud lawnmowing noise (which my mind interprets as danger and I need to hide), I would immediately try to tell myself at least it's not a tree that's fallen through my roof, then I just turn up the volume of my tv and continue. Of course I still get negative thoughts in my head as I try to fight the anxiety but at least the one incident has not ruined my entire day like it would have in the past. Give it a go!

  18. fml3
    fml3 avatar
    14 posts
    31 January 2021 in reply to Amanda2000

    Hey Amanda,

    thanks for replying again. It’s really good that you’ve been trying to find coping strategies, I’ll try the one you suggested out, thank you I really appreciate it! I have recently started school again and have been quite stressed and my mental health is getting worse. I don’t know what I’ll do in the end. My anxiety has also been in the highs because I have been really worried that my teachers might find out that I am feeling depressed, suicidal and self harming and tell my parents. I would rather die than they tell my parents...

    My parents are extremely homophobic and don’t believe teenagers and kids can have mental illnesses or feel depressed. They constantly make me feel unloved, worthless and make my mental health even worse. I really can’t have my teachers finding out about my current issues. I do have a problem though, I don’t know how to be happy anymore... I don’t know how to look, act or simply be happy anymore and my teachers keep asking me and my best friends too if I am feeling ok and giving me those concerned looks during class. I don’t know what I’ll do and how I’ll be able to act happy. I fear that if try to act happy for too long and am successful, then it might become too much. And that I’ll just break no matter how hard I fight the thoughts and impulses. I feel stuck and trapped more than ever now and under the stresses and high expectations and pressure of school again with the added stresses of needing to learn how to act happy... I don’t know how long I’ll last until I reach my breaking point.

    I’m sorry for this rant, I’m not even worthy of help. I really hope that your anxiety and ocd gets better and that you’ll find even more and successful ways to cope. Thank you a lot.

    jj

  19. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    4414 posts
    31 January 2021 in reply to fml3
    Hi fml3, thank you for posting to the forums tonight and sharing what you are experiencing. We are so sorry to hear that you are in such a difficult place and stressed about any possible negative reaction from your parents. This sounds really hard and we are really sorry you are having these heavy feelings and thoughts running through you. You mentioned your teachers and best friends are getting concerned which shows that there are people in your life who genuinely care about your well being. Of course you never have to pretend to be anything other than what you are feeling at any given moment. 

    Please know that you are worthy and deserving of support just as you are, no matter how you are feeling. We really encourage you to reach out for support and get in touch with Kids Help Line. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under. Headspace also support young people and offer a wide range of services including online and telephone counselling.

    It may seem like there are no solutions in sight right now but there is hope and there is support. It's very difficult to reach out and we understand that as well. But please know that you truly deserve to be heard and seen for exactly who you are.

    Please keep posting here to let us know how you are doing, whenever you feel up to it. We are here for you.
  20. Amanda2000
    Amanda2000 avatar
    72 posts
    1 February 2021 in reply to fml3

    Hi jj,

    You mentioned that you have best friends! That's already 1 big thing to be happy about. Their concern for you is showing how much they care. I wish I had friends like yours.

    Don't say that you are not worthy of help. One thing I've noticed about this online community is that helping/supporting others also helps ourselves. It's human nature that we all think we have the worst deal in life when we're down.

    Regarding your parents, try to look at the bigger picture. One day you will grow up and move out. I have issues with my parents too. They don't believe in depression either. They think it's a new modern-day illness because people live such comfortable lives not having to hunt for food! I have no choice but to avoid seeing them. When I do have to see them, just talk about the weather or something non-contentious.

    The school pressure is also temporary. It will be behind you one day. I went to hell-and-back in my high school years. It was the unhappiest time in my life. I didn't have any close friends, and still don't haha.

    When I get up each morning, I often think negatively "here we go again". Rather than trying to be happy, I just say to myself "well I'm still here. what am I going to do to pass the time today?"

  21. fml3
    fml3 avatar
    14 posts
    2 February 2021 in reply to Amanda2000

    Hey amanda,

    Yeah, one thing I truly am really grateful for are my friends. They are the only people who have been able to keep me alive this long. I wouldn’t have been able to have gotten this far and even reached out for support on here without them. They really are amazing and sadly also have some mental health issues like me which I also try to help them with when I’m not at a low. I hope you can get some good friends real soon too.

    And about my parents, I’ve even thought of joining the army to move out even earlier because I really can’t stand them. The constant homophobia and emotionally abusive comments kill me slowly honestly. Especially when I’m currently struggling with my sexuality and gender identity... It’s hard. I wish they could understand everything.

    The school pressure is now on and I’m not even doing my homework or starting assignments anymore. There’s no point anyways to be honest and I have no energy.

    Today at school, we got an announcement that a girl had committed suicide. I was shaking during the announcement and had a panic attack later. The reality of death and suicide is creeping in. It’s not a bad realisation for me however. I don’t think that is a good sign.

    Sorry for babbling on, a bit stressed out at the moment as the school is now on high alert for students who are at a suicide risk or depressed. I don’t know what I’ll do. I think I might even turn to drugs to just numb the pain or something. I’ll be fine for now though hopefully.

    Thank you so much for replying. I hope you get some new close friends that can support and accept you.

    jj

  22. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    4414 posts
    2 February 2021 in reply to fml3
    Dear fml3,
    We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

    We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636), Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

    Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 
  23. Amanda2000
    Amanda2000 avatar
    72 posts
    4 February 2021 in reply to fml3

    Hi jj,

    I strongly encourage you to try calling the services that Sophie has mentioned above. You have nothing to lose. They can only help you feel better. You wouldn't be any worse off than you feel right now.

    I do believe good times are waiting for you sometime in the future. You just can't see it yet! I got an unexpected surprise yesterday that made me very happy. 2 weeks ago I was practically a zombie at home and did not talk at all to any of my family. I could not have predicted that something so nice would happen to me 2 weeks down the track.

    Also strangely I find work to be a good distraction for me. Just get stuck into what I need to get done and block-out everything else that's making me depressed.

    I hope things can improve for you. Remember to celebrate every little-win.

  24. mb20lover
    mb20lover avatar
    3350 posts
    4 February 2021
    Hey fml3, how are you going?
  25. fml3
    fml3 avatar
    14 posts
    7 February 2021 in reply to Amanda2000

    Hey Amanda,

    I haven’t been online recently, sorry. I’ve been falling behind in mountains of impossible school work... I’ll consider contacting one of the services, I just keep thinking though there are people who deserve it way more than me and that I’m not worth it. I wish I could still feel good and happy. Maybe I can but I don’t think so. That’s awesome that you got a good surprise! It’s great to hear you’re feeling happy.

    I’ve also tried using school work as a distraction, however unfortunately it does not work for me because I cannot ever find the motivation to do it. I am constantly falling behind in my work and assignments and then my teachers get pissed off at me. I haven’t been doing really well to be honest.  It’s great news that you felt happy and I wish you the best, thanks for replying again.

    jj

    1 person found this helpful
  26. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    4414 posts
    7 February 2021 in reply to fml3
    Dear fml3

    We are so sorry to hear that you have not been doing well. We are glad that you have shared your feelings with our community, and we hope that posting on the forums brings you some comfort. We are here for you fml3. 

    If you ever find yourself in immediate danger, we urge you to contact emergency services on 000 (triple zero) and in overwhelming moments, we urge you to contact Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) for crisis support. 

    Please continue to post and seek support as you see fit. We also encourage you to speak with your school counsellor if you haven't already. 
  27. jumpy jellyfish :-]
    jumpy jellyfish :-] avatar
    229 posts
    7 February 2021 in reply to fml3

    hey flm3,

    Just thought I'd pop in here to say hi and let you know that you are strong and you will get through this even if you can't see it at the moment.

    It isn't wrong of you at all to contact a helpline for support. They aren't going to turn you away or judge you for your struggles 'not being bad enough' - they want to support you. Another thing I'll say is often when people are going through a tough time, they believe that they don't deserve help, and that might be exactly the reason they do. I'm wondering are you willing to consider that maybe you are in this very position?

    School and the workload can be really hard... I've been struggling too with finding the motivation to do homework and classwork, and am finding the idea of even starting let alone finishing an assignment tiring. I can second Sophie_M in her suggestion of talking to the school counsellor - even if you only feel comfortable talking about this schooling aspect of what you're going through, dealing with the different things that are weighing on you individually can make it a lot less daunting.

    Take care xx

    1 person found this helpful
  28. Bent
    Bent avatar
    9 posts
    7 February 2021
    Yeah, this is pretty graphic. How are you feeling today? Have you seen a psychologist or psychiatrist? Face to face might work with some people?
  29. Bent
    Bent avatar
    9 posts
    7 February 2021 in reply to fml3
    Hello again. This is just a suggestion. Can you tell your school counselor or psychologist that you are not coping? They can also tell your teachers to be more caring. Here in Australia, students with health problems or disabilities are looked after.
  30. fml3
    fml3 avatar
    14 posts
    14 February 2021
    I’m so tired of feeling empty now. It’s like I don’t care about anything anymore? Maybe I don’t. I’m trying so hard to hold on. My friends still need me right? But what if they don’t? What if I’m just that invisible friend that everyone will forget anyways? What’s the point then? What is the meaning of life anyways? I’m such a failure and I’m sorry for asking so many questions, my mind is racing. I’ll keep holding on for now.

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