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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / I want to ask for help

Topic: I want to ask for help

  1. Croix
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    3 June 2020 in reply to ____

    Dear April~

    I have to say you have an accurate eye and way of summing school up, in fact it is an adult's viewpoint, which you have gained (or always had) even when those around you had still a long way to go. Being an adult at school is hard, you see all the juvenile uncivilized actions of those still with a long way to go.

    No, you will never think of school as the happiest days of you life, that is utter rubbish. They are ahead of you, as they were for me.

    What did I mean by a step? Getting to the point in your life where is enjoyable, satisfying and hopefully has love in it from where you are now is not something 'fixed' all in one go. Like you I went from bad conditon up, and did it in steps. You took one to come tere, anther to speak frankly here. Even going to the Happy memories thread was a sort of step. You have more to go and they all have common factor -you have a part to play in them all.

    Getting professional help will be a step. It may seem very daunting and you may be apprehensive of the results, however it is needed - as I found. That's becuse you have to let the help in, and even if your parents get to know it is going to be better that your life now (Yes, I know, you can't bear the thought and given the incident over coming in to get the phone I don't blame you). Improvment (as opposed to everything being perfect) can be surprisingly quick.

    I'll mention something. Like your story which you now cannot be certain happened, my place of refuge in my mind, which I write about here in the forum from time ot time, is made up of more than one place. It is not real in the sense you can get in a car and go there, but it is real in my mind and gives comfort -which is what it is supposed to do, so don't worry.

    If phone calls terrify you use web-chat. It's OK, the only downfall if I used it is my typing:(

    Croix( who can live with pink and purple)

    2 people found this helpful
  2. Croix
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    3 June 2020 in reply to Croix

    P.S. I forgot to give Neerja a wave, your post was great😊

    -C

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  3. hello, hi, 😀
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    3 June 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April,

    It felt really nice, that someone is going through a similar situation as me, it made me feel less lonely, thanks April :). You are so right in saying it is life and death situation.

    I was asked by the school coordinator to talk to the school counsellor, I started trusting the counsellor after a few meetings, but yesterday she broke my trust. She told everything that I told her to my parents. I don't know who to trust anymore, but typing my thoughts down in BB really helped me out and I can stay anonymous and I hope it helps you too. :)

    Have you used Kids Helpline? it is pretty helpful. I use the webchat, I talk to this counsellor every Monday. I hope you try it if you haven't. I find talking on phones really weird and uncomfortable.

    But again, I am very glad you have a teacher who you can trust and talk too.

    Thanks again,

    Neerja

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  4. hello, hi, 😀
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    3 June 2020
    Thanks April, Croix and Sarah for being so welcoming. :)
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  5. smallwolf
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    3 June 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi. that statement you made about the school being the best days of your life is something that said to me when I was at high school all those years ago. Looking back I know what the teacher might have been trying to say. At the same time I would also disagree with the those words. It was not my happiest time also.

    I have been collecting inspirational quotes. The one though I like the most is...

    It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop. - Confucius

    I hope you might get something from it. I can see in your posts that you are trying very hard.

    When I last posted I mentioned a list to you with 300+ activities in it. Did you have a proper look at that? How did it go. I will be seeing my psychologist tomorrow (and I have to select some things off the same list). Finally, how are things going with your parents?

    Tim

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Guest_1643
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    3 June 2020 in reply to ____

    Hey April,

    Just saw your posts. I truly believe small steps are all that any of us can do - well done. I'm glad you had your friend pass on that message, that was quite smart.
    My school was the same as yours so i believe you and understand. I also wandered if it it was everywhere else.

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Aaronsis
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    4 June 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April

    Thank you for sharing your sport class experience with us today, I think that you had a little breakthrough in reaching out for some help, trying to get the teacher whom you trusts attention and by also asking your friend to mention to him what happened. I think you are ready to talk to him about this? Do you think that is maybe what happened in sport, you reached your boiling point and that was you reaching out to him? I am wondering if he followed you up or if your friend said anything in the way of support to you?

    I too want to put my 2 cents in about "school being the best years of your life"...umm that's a no from me! I look back on some pretty shocking times, as people find out who they are, who they want to be, why they are not like Bob or Mary, why am I so dumb, then the bullying and the feelings of being so alone..I could go on all day...the only way that they are the best days is because I didn't have a mortgage to pay or bills to pay.

    Sophie_M mentioned to you the web chat for kids helpline and I will put it her again too:

    https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling

    It might be worth a go and you don't have to talk on the phone.

    Hope you are doing ok today April.

    Hugs

    Sarah

  8. Croix
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    4 June 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Dear Neerja~

    It is nice to greet you here properly, I'm sure April is glad to see you here too. Finding you are not alone in your problems not only give some company, but hopefully lets you know it is not you, anything you have done or said, or dress, it is a basic serious problem in schools.

    They are full of young people who have not matured, are not adult, and cling to each other in tribes or groups, a sort of basic instinct.

    The true value of people, kindness, generosity, perception and so on has not as yet properly emerged, and sadly without good examples and some standards that can make the lives of others simply terrible.

    Your counselor made a bad call, it covered her, but at your expense.

    It may be your mother wants to protect you, then again it may be she does not trust you or can't be bothered dealing with problems and takes an easy way out. Then again simply the cost.

    I know it is hard to judge a parent objectively, why do you think she limits what oyu can do and takes your phone? Does she realise she is making things harder for you now everything including others at school, are all phone-based?

    I'm very glad you have that web-chat one a week, a sort of anchor to hold on to.

    You are very welcome here anytime

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  9. hello, hi, 😀
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    4 June 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    You are so right, about the expectations, the standards and the hierarchy or the ladder of competition makes lives of others simply terrible.

    My parents talk a lot about cultural difference, maybe that is a barrier. But it is really hard, like you said, to judge. We all have our stories, unique and truthful. Maybe their own life experiences contribute. I don't know. But I really wish we had a better relationship, I don't want my phone or anything that has a price, I just want to feel loved which is priceless. i want to be accepted. I don't know how much time people will bother to talk to me, i don't know why i am on earth, I don't know if i deserve to be accepted.

    I feel a bit betrayed, I don't know who to trust and whether I will able to reach out for support again. But I know that I was told about confidentiality beforehand, so maybe it’s not fair that I feel this way about my school counsellor.

    Thank you Croix for being so welcoming, I really appreciate it.

    But how are you going? I hope you are doing well :)

    Neerja

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Croix
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    5 June 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    April~ I hope you are doing OK, I would answer if you wrote - of course.

    Dear Neerja~

    You have helped April, and you are asking after me (thank you) , that is the mark of a person with kindness inside, plus you have a genuine interest in others -it comes out in your posts. You are well worth any amount of trouble to feel well - "deserve" simply does not come into it.

    "Why do I have to lose so much in this game,
    While everyone else does not go through the same,"

    They lose so much more. You are on the true path to adulthood and a worthy person, even though it takes a heavy toll at this time.

    I do know there are cultural differences between normal civilized adults and children growing up at school as has been described in this thread (pretty typical actually). I've no idea if that is what your parents are talking about or a different sort of culture.

    I went to 8 different schools in 3 different countries, only one was civilized.

    Either way you are the one that bears the brunt of the differences, and it is not good for you, you need friendship, security and a place to study that encourages the things you are good at -your strengths.

    Describing this to your parents yourself may be hard, they may listen, or they may brush it off as kid's fancies. Again I've no idea. Again if they were brought up in a different culture imagining this school might be terribly hard.

    Perhaps being told by someone they might respect what life is like from your point of view, and relating how the school social mess works might help.

    You did say you were warned of confidentiality by your counselor, this normal comes into play if there is a serious chance of harm to yourself or others. Under those circumstances telling your parents is justified, even if it breaks a confidence. (If your parents were confronted with the possibility of self harm then they would in all probability feel lost, as well as concern.)

    Maybe this is something you can build on. I guess it depends on the counselor and her reasons. If interaction with your parents does not just stop at that one call, but continues outlining your problems do you think there is a chance your parents will become more realistic? Do you wish to talk this over with her?

    This is too long a conversion for one post, please come back to me and say what you think

    Croix

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  11. Febry
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    6 June 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April,

    I’m Febry and I’m currently in Uni but I joined this place too when I was in highschool. Highschool was almost exactly as how you said, I’m really disappointed and saddened that nothing has changed. Especially with more awareness about mental health and bullying, I can’t fathom how there’s still this ridiculous school hierarchy and lack of compassion.

    I also think that talking to your nice teacher might be helpful. The suggestions mentioned by Sophie are definitely worth a try. So far I’ve had good experiences with them.

    I think it’s perfectly fine to not think that highschool is the best part of your life/youth. To this day, I still don’t really like my highschool years and I don’t wish to go back because I didn’t have that many good experiences.

    I don’t have the same experiences as you but I can at least empathise with your struggle and that numbness. It’s going to take some time but as someone already said in here, you are worth fighting for. Always and anytime. keep us updated and we’re always here to chat. :)

    Best wishes,

    Febry.
    xx

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  12. hello, hi, 😀
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    6 June 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,
    Wow 8 different schools, it must be hard to go through changes in school.

    My parents grew up in a different country, things here like using phones, people having boyfriends and girlfriends, type of clothing worn, social media, walking to the park by yourself and other things was taken seriously during their time in school and in their country. Things have changed in their country, other people in our family have tried to talk to my parents about letting me meet my friends, text them on my phone, talk to family in different countries through social media, letting me go outside the house, become independent, but my parents don't listen. My life is repetitive always a home, alone both at school and home, feeling unaccepted and fear of growing up and talking in public.

    To be honest, I don't think they will really change through my school counsellor talking to them. My school counsellor talked to me about how she thinks that this year my mental health has deteriorated and she is concerned that I might take a big step or go through a breakdown in year 10 or VCE. And she said it is understandable if I feel betrayed. But school is opening up on the 9th of June, so she said she would like to have check-ins still. I am a bit unsure about talking things over, I am worried that at school, teachers and counsellors will treat me differently after hearing about my suicidal thoughts.

    Thank you Croix for your kindness, I really appreciate it :),

    Neerja

  13. Croix
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    7 June 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Dear Neerja~

    Yes changing schools (and countries) gave me a very different perspective on school life. I did not regard any particular school as having the correct way of doing things. It was also harder for exams - and gaining friendships as they would vanish when we moved.

    If one grows up on a particular education system, which sounds as if your parents did, it is very hard to envisage any other way, and the familiar safeguards that went with that system would seem appropriate to them here too, even if misguided.

    They need to know the very different environment you exist in, not like theirs, and with fresh problems they never came across.

    I don't know how to let your parents see properly what is happening. I did suggest the councilor, however maybe it might take someone else. A psychiatrist perhaps, or some cultures have religious leaders or elders, and maybe one of those might be helpful - I'm guessing, I've no idea really.

    I do think your parents need educating as to the seriousness of your state and be prepared to be flexible and learn. Do you have any suggestions?

    Where I am not guessing is that I'd expect you are not the only person at your school who has suicidal thoughts or those of self-harm. If the place affects you then it will affect others too.

    They are isolated. Let down by groups and generally lost. Do you think it might be worth looking out for 'outsiders' and offering a hand of friendship by sitting beside them at meals, in a corridor, or where they retreat to for meals?

    Yes the councilor may treat you a little differently, perhaps with more understanding, not necessarily a bad thing. Others ideally should not be aware of problems.

    Is it possible for you to have more professional medical help than just the chats?

    You are accepted here, wholeheartedly, and are not alone. I hope you come up with some suggestions that might help. There is no one 'big fix', just a load of smaller things that each make life better.

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  14. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    7 June 2020 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah

    I'm not doing great at the moment. I've been put into another class for sport and will no longer have him as a teacher. This also means I'll have no friends in my sports group and it'll be just like last year when I wandered around by myself trying to avoid any eye contact. I don't think I'll be able to talk to him anymore as I won't be in his class. I am going to talk to the welfare guy about this because I seriously don't want to change.

    My psychologist has instructed me to try and be as nice as possible to my parents until I see her again which is extremely difficult. I've been blamed for things I didn't do and accused of some really dumb stuff and I can't just say no even if I didn't do it because that makes my mother mad and that's not exactly being nice.

    I went to a friends house on Saturday and I was still thinking about suicide which is stupid. But then again, a lot of stuff is stupid. I'm stupid, the stuff I do is stupid, my life is stupid, my complaining is stupid and I'm not going to list anything else because stupid is already feeling like it's not a word anymore, which is pretty stupid.

    Yesterday I looked in the mirror and realised how fat I actually am. I mean, I knew I was fat and I was trying to lose weight but I realised just how disgusting I look. I couldn't believe I looked (well I mean I still look disgusting) that awful, and it made me think. I don't just look awful, I'm a horrible person. I'm sarcastic and mean and rude and I've made endless mistakes, and I hate myself, every single part of myself. When people are suicidal they are told that it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and if the problem was something around me like a bully or something, I could escape it, but I am a permanent problem because I can't just run away from the damage I've caused, because I'll just keep causing more.

    This post is in really weird chunks. I don't understand it any more than you do.

    April

  15. Sophie_M
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    7 June 2020 in reply to ____
    Hey April,

    Thanks for checking back in with the community. It sounds like you're in a really tough space right now and we are so sorry to hear that you're feeling so low. Please know that you are not a horrible person, and you are never alone in this. We are currently checking in with you via email as we are worried about you.

    Please know that you can always contact the friendly counsellors at Kids Helpline and Suicide Call Back Service as often as you need to talk through these feelings, and both have 24/7 Webchat available if you'd prefer to chat online. 

    We hope that being part of this community is helping to bring some comfort and help you to feel a little less alone. Please feel free to keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel ready.
     
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  16. hello, hi, 😀
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    7 June 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April,

    It's really sad that you were moved into another class. Is there someone you could talk to, to move back into your old class?

    I am really sorry you are going through many negative thoughts. Especially when you need your parents to support you, and they aren't really there for you also blaming you.

    Are you able to talk to your other family members?

    Do your friends know?

    Are you able to email or call your psychologist?

    Sending you a virtual hug and we are all here for you April,

    Neerja

  17. josh1245
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    7 June 2020 in reply to ____

    hey _____ I would like to welcome you to this wonderful online community beyond blue they have certainly helped me to take control of my inner demons and I hope it does for you. firstly I would like to applaud your incredible strength and courage in asking for help its something that you should be exceptionally proud of. secondly I would like to say that you are not worthless your far from that. I feel like our worst enemy in life our ourselves the thoughts inside our heads. you may feel worthless and not worth it but I 100 percent believe that you are an amazing special person who has achieved so much. I know onw achievement already that your battling this awful illness and still here takes incredible strength and is something that you should be incredibly proud of. we as humans tend to hate the person staring back at us I want to say a activity that helped me out quite a bit I want you to look in the mirror and say 5 nice things about yourself it could be anything everyday.

    hope all is well soon

    regards josh

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  18. hello, hi, 😀
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    7 June 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    Moving countries and schools must be very tough and hard to adapt to. I remember, when I was moving schools, I only moved once and it was rough and not a good experience.

    My parents don't understand that school here is a different environment. They don't understand my thoughts, they think that giving a kid money and things takes care of everything and people who have these thoughts want to seek attention or threaten someone. To be honest, I have no idea of strategies to help 'teach them' I guess.

    You are right, there are other people going through similar thoughts and self-harm. I know this person who self-harmed recently, due to bullying, taunting and really, unfortunately, his mother had breast cancer. He hangs out with my 'friendship group'. He is kind. My parent's specifically told me to "not to talk to boys", but I think that's really wrong.

    Thank you for accepting me here, it reduces one place where I am not accepted.

    Neerja

  19. Croix
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    7 June 2020 in reply to ____
    Dear April~

    Changing classes is a problem right at the moment, and I hope your welfare officer can assist. Actually talking to that person about any of your problems is probably a good thing.

    Trying to be ‘nice’ to your parents sounds like a pretty big task, maybe you psychologist has the idea that an argument with them is worse for you than just agreeing, dunno.

    I don’t think your complaining is stupid, in fact I did it myself a couple of weeks ago to one of my med professionals. One long vent. The person was sensible enough not to try to fix every point, but listened. Afterwards I thought it might have helped. Two weeks later I know it helped.

    OK, there are things you have done in the past you regret, being sarcastic, mean and rude is a reflection of how you feel, in different circumstances your attitude would be unrecognizable. What if you were deeply happy -would you say the same things?

    Unless someone is pretty mean themselves (or going through a bad patch) normally words can be sorted out. I’ve had to apologize for being deliberately rude, and it’s been accepted OK.

    Being overweight creates 2 problems, the first one is straight health. The more strain on your body the more things can go wrong, so it’s best to have a reasonable BMI if you can. That’s long term and may take some specialist help, however I emphasize it is a straight physical problem and not one that can’t be successfully sorted in time.

    The other bad thing it does is lowers your self-esteem. You think I’m fat, therefor people will think I’m greedy, or will not look at me romantically, or any one of umpteen negative thoughts.

    I do know a fact, one radiant smile to a person you like makes all else disappear. OK you don’t believe me as yet. That’s because it has not happened to you. Not a false smile, one from deep inside.

    I’m glad you have a friend to go to and that probably got you out of things a little. If it helped set off a long list of negative feelings, OK, it happens. Still you have a friend.

    Weird chunks? No it all hangs together, those black glasses are dragging every negative thing to the front of your mind. Black glasses are the illness of depression -I know very well myself.

    I’m glad you have a psychologist.

    Hang in, you are not alone, and we understand and like you, yes, that's true, we can see more to you than you realize.

    Croix
  20. Croix
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    7 June 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀
    Dear Neerja

    Educating parents is often more difficult than educating young adults, there has been a lot of time for attitudes and beliefs to solidify, and memories of being young dim.

    You did mention earlier on that other members of your family had a more enlightened attitude and tried to convince your parents. OK, they did not succeed, however are any of them close enough for you to go visit? Talking with someone like that can stop you feeling so isolated -and frustrated.

    Being told not to talk to boys is asking you to ignore half the human race, I’m not that sure it is a practical idea. I suppose your parents thing you will either be taken advantage of, disregard your studies, fall in love or become pregnant. All reasonable cautions in their place, it does not however recognize you are a person and also though not highly experienced as yet, are capable of making sensible decisions, perhaps with a little guidance. Trusting you has to come into it.

    I can see you have found at least one other person who has difficulties at school, I’m sure there will be more. I do want to mention one thing, their can be a danger one person’s despair can transmit itself to another. So, if you find you feel worse, suicidal or prone to self-harm after being with a person who feels bad then get help for you both tout suite! (“immediately” In one of the schools I went to)

    Other than that, if each tries to cheer the other and enjoy things it can be good. Defending someone that is being bullied or taunted is no small thing, I’m not trying to stop you if you think it warranted, however think of results before wading in.

    Of course you are accepted here, why on earth not?

    Croix

  21. Aaronsis
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    8 June 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April

    Sorry for the late reply, it sure does sound like you have had a hard few days, the change in class is hard and if it is really upsetting you I think a chat to the welfare person is a great idea, to get some clarity as to why this has happened. However in saying that, just as he is not your direct teacher that does not mean that you cannot still reach out to him and have his support.

    I hear what the psychologist has told you, to be nice to your parents until the next appointment, I hope that they have given you some other tools to manage when you don't agree or when you feel like you want to lash out and respond? Like some self talk that can bring you out of that space in that moment and some activities like writing it out and getting what you would have liked to have said in that moment but didn't so that it is out of you. Also, what was the message for your parents? were they told to cut you some slack too?

    NOW, you are not stupid, you are not a horrible person and you are not disgusting. I am glad that you purged all that negativity out here, I hope it did feel good, but once again this self hate is thoughts, it is part of the struggle in which you are experiencing and not the truth. Ill mental health does not care if you are at your friends house and should be having a great time, it does not have truth or care or reason, it just is, but the fact you are out there, being with your friend and engaging in life is awesome. You can tell those thoughts to rack off, you are having some time for you and you will deal with them later.

    I am sorry that you feel that you need to escape from you and that you are such a horrible person and cause damage, can I ask what damage you have done? Why are you so horrible? It is not the person I am getting to know and like, I am sure I haven't missed anything, I DONT see a person who is horrible and who is not disgusting.

    Can you tell me some of the things you like about yourself, I will tell you three of mine that I like about you and you can share three with me:

    You are strong, it takes courage to post here

    You are very emotionally intelligent and have a very good understanding of your feelings

    You have the courage to be you, to wear your pink and purple hair with pride and own it

    These are just three so if you feel comfortable to ..over to you..I would like to hear three things that you like about you?

    I am going to make a coffee and get out in this lovely sun today, what are you doing today?

    Hugs April

    Sarah

  22. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    8 June 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    My psychologist told me she wants to see if it makes any difference in the way I am treated by them. Being nice has made no difference apart from getting yelled at because I sounded too cheerful and that meant I was being sarcastic (I was trying to be nice, it was not sarcastic).

    I'm trying to lose weight on my own as I know it's not healthy to continue like this and I'm disgusted by the way I look. very time I eat I feel guilty and regret it. I can't really get help as my mother gets very touchy when it comes to my weight.

    I can't say I love being around my friends as they can often be judgemental and sometimes quite mean but I think that might be just me being sensitive and I can't complain about having friends.

    In the last bit, you said you understand and like me which I don't really get. All I've done is complain and whine about how awful my life is when it really isn't that bad compared to most. Thank you for the support.

    April

  23. josh1245
    josh1245 avatar
    176 posts
    8 June 2020 in reply to ____
    hey Croix I would like to say its perfectly fine to like you say it have a whinge or complain its perfectly fine that's what's this online forum is about is that we can state what's bothering us and this wonderful community aims to the best of their ability support them in everyway and that's what everyone is going to do for you. were here remember is ok to not be ok.
  24. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    8 June 2020 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah,

    The whole 'being nice to my parents' thing was an experiment. She wants to see if they would be any nicer if I'm incredibly nice to them and allow myself to be pushed around. I only have to do it until my next appointment and she doesn't expect me to benefit from it. I asked her not to tell my parents anything. They send me to therapy to get fixed so I'll be a kind loving child. If they know I had an issue with their parenting and was telling my psych, I would get in a lot of trouble.

    It's raining right now where I live and I just realised that rain used to be a comforting thing for me, the heavy rain on the roof would lull me to sleep, but now I hate it. I cry myself to sleep most nights and the rain just adds to 'the dramatic effect'

    You told me to write three nice things about myself and I spent all day thinking. I sound so vain and I'm sorry

    - I'm not bad at rewriting monologues (specific I know)

    - I can bake (but I shouldn't, I need to lose weight)

    - I can't think of the last one

    Today (well tomorrow) I'm going to school, catching up on assignments I didn't do, working on future assignments, studying and most likely procrastinating by sitting in front of the tv for hours. I'd go for a walk but I really need to do my assignments and also I'm lazy and quite useless.

    I will admit I strongly disagree with you saying I'm not a horrible person. I'm a slob, my room is a mess and I don't shower every day because I can't pull myself out of bed. I never exercise, I eat way too much most days, otherwise,I don't eat at all. I procrastinate my schoolwork and do it all the night before then wonder why my grades are going down. I spend an hour each morning making myself look presentable because I'm so vain that all that matters to me is my appearance. I tell others things that will make them feel sorry for me. I do everything to impress people. I ignore people, and when they ask why, I get defensive.I'm so unnecessarily mean to people and I am very self-deprecating around other people which is probably just my way of getting compliments. I have friends but I don't want them. I used to be smart but I stopped caring. I used to tell people I was suicidal so they would care about me. None of this is what a nice person would do.

    April

  25. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    8 June 2020 in reply to josh1245

    Hi Josh,

    Everyone I meet on here tells me I'm strong and brave for reaching out but doesn't it just make me kinda weak? I can't deal with life on my own like anyone else, I have to have constant reassurance and support. I like that you say that it's because of strength that I'm still here because it's more out of laziness but I'll take it. It's quite ridiculous that I'm so lazy that I can't even kill myself. Your response is similar to Sarah's with the 'find positive things about yourself'. I struggled immensely with this. I came up with 'i can write good monologues','i can bake' and ' my hair is pretty cool' which is something. You call it an awful illness, but it feels like just a part of me. I can't remember a point where I wasn't depressed and I know it is an illness, it just doesn't feel like it. I'll try the positive thinking thing again tomorrow

    Thanks, April

  26. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    6286 posts
    8 June 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April, you mentioned a struggle finding positive things about yourself. All I will say here is give yourself time. Things I would take for granted other see as a positive. Similarily things that for me are normal. The part that I want to tell you is when I got homework from my psychologist for things to look forward to and gratitude journals, I initially had to search the web for answers because I could not think of any. And then when I did it myself it was not very pretty (and had to find the opposite word). My point is this....there are positives in you and sometimes hard to find. Does not mean they don't exist.

    You mentioned in a previous post about being sensitive... some positives associated with this word - emotional awareness, empathy, creative, perceptive.

  27. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    11078 posts
    8 June 2020 in reply to ____
    Dear April~

    Everyone can find things they don’t like about themselves; nobody is perfect. I believe however you are falling into the same trap I have, and that has been to judge myself as if I was well and happy. Then doing schoolwork on time, going for a walk, showering every day and all the rest are just a standard part of life.

    So if you manage to get out of bed in the morning after crying yourself to sleep that really is a victory. Showering when you can is one too. Doing you homework at all is a victory.

    Thanking in term of when you are well simply sets you up for failure, and each one drives you down further. Victories, even tiny ones, do the opposite.

    We can see you by realistic standards - so no, you are not horrible. You are simply a person in a hard place. And when you describe it we get to know what troubles you - it’s important, it is not complaining or winging. It also lets you know you are not alone.

    You do care a lot what people think of you and are often hurt, small wonder your speech comes out defensive or sarcastic.

    You do need attention, and if one way to try to get it is to say you are suicidal -so what? You still need the attention. Plus talking suicide is a danger flag in itself, irrespective of your current intentions.

    Trying to interact with your parents like that until your next appointment is hard, do you think it will get anywhere?

    You know, I’m sorry about the rain, I find it soothing on my tin roof, and if you have lost that it is a great pity Perhaps later on you will again enjoy it

    Croix
  28. josh1245
    josh1245 avatar
    176 posts
    8 June 2020 in reply to ____
    hey April needing support isn't a weakness we are social beings and we need others no one can get through this alone no matter who it is. I experienced what you experienced and I felt the same that I was weak and worthless but that's not the case you are a amazing remember that.
  29. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    10 June 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    Every day when I got to school, I think that it could be my last, that I could kill myself that night. I look at people and wonder how they would react if I were to kill myself. The popular guy who pulls his pants down for attention, the popular girl who I was friends with until I became annoying and depressed. The guy in the year below who glares at me or dramatically looks away every time he sees me.

    Nothing is just a regular part of life anymore, everything is a huge effort. I sometimes have to force myself to breathe, even though the sound annoyed me. If i see everything as a victory, then I will feel like I'm achieving something, when really I'm doing the bare minimum for a person.

    My psych called it an experiment so I think she just wants to know if my being nice will change their demeanour at all.

    April

  30. hello, hi, 😀
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    hello, hi, 😀 avatar
    537 posts
    10 June 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April,

    I wanted to ask you how your second day at school was today?

    I don't think you are doing the bare minimum for a person, you care about others, you accept people (you welcomed me so kindly here, I feel accepted because you, thank you), you are kind and reflective. These are things that not many people do these days, you are doing more than minimum for a person in my opinion.

    Sending you strength and virtual hug,

    Neerja

    1 person found this helpful

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