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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / I want to ask for help

Topic: I want to ask for help

  1. hello, hi, 😀
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    10 June 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Wow, that sounds really good that you can bake. I am really trash in baking, if putting a frozen pizza in the oven counts that maybe I am okay, lol. I understand how you feel about baking and your health. I do that too. It is like everyday school life takes away the food and other things we like. School life makes me stressed out, so then I overeat, then hate myself then people avoid me even more, this cycle keeps going for me.

    This website has really good baking recipes if you want to try. https://www.weightwatchers.com/au/recipes/healthy-cake-recipes

    Sending you more strength and virtual hug,
    Neerja

  2. hello, hi, 😀
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    10 June 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    I don't have anyone else in my family that I can talk too. They only talked to my parents when we met them about 3 years ago. They don't like me or understand me.

    My parents don't trust me and at home, I don't feel this sense of belonging. Like you said it is not practical ignoring half the people. I understand why they have many boundaries, but I wish they guided and taught me than blocking off the outside world.

    You are right about defending people, sometimes it can help give strength but sometimes other people can say things that can instantly break down someone, so it is best to think about wading in.

    I will be honest, sometimes I do feel worse because the guy's mother had breast cancer and my grandmother too, I just felt like what is the purpose of my life when one of my family members are suffering and I can't help them out. But talking to him made me feel less alone in this situation. I am really glad that he raised 4,500 dollars for breast cancer research, I think he did a noble and amazing job.

    Hope you and your family are doing well,

    Neerja

  3. ____
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    10 June 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Hey Neerja,

    Today wasn't too bad until I found out about a bunch of assessments I forgot about but that's okay because I still have a few more hours before I'm too tired to study. What about you?

    My baking skills aren't always at their peak. Multiple times I've messed up a two-ingredient packet mix which is meant to be foolproof, yet I managed to drown the poor brownie in butter, add six eggs instead of two (I had to fish them out out of the batter) and then proceed to burn it. I've also messed up packet mixes even with the correct ingredients in the correct amounts at the correct temperature for the right amount of time. Now I change the recipe every time until I've perfected it. As you may guess, I'm far from perfecting anything.

    Thank you for being so kind, and I'm glad you feel welcomed. From what I've read, you seem like a really sweet person.

    Many thanks,

    April

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Croix
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    10 June 2020 in reply to ____

    Dear April~

    Neerja is right, your treatment of her was sweet, considerate, kind. Doesn't really fit with your idea of yourself, but my saying that won't help as there will be some reason you make it into the act of someone not nice. Pity really.

    I know it won't help becuse I've been there.

    OK, I would like to ask you if you have told your psych of your suicidal thoughts? Even if they are just inspired by need -which I'm not so sure about. you don't have to say of course, in fact it is hard to do so and sometimes struggling along seems easier than really saying what's inside.

    Still I think just experimenting is not enough -mind you I'm no doctor. just someone that was helped back up after going it lone for too long.

    I've no idea what those at at school would think if you killed yourself, some would not care, surprisingly some would. We would care here, you are worth trying hard for, just as I was, thought I did not believe it at the time.

    We had been having serious conversations, that can get wearing after a while. So can we make a change for a few minutes? You gave me one happy memory, which others will reflect on and feel calm themselves.

    Can we swap another one each? Would you like to go first or shall I?

    Croix

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  5. Croix
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    10 June 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Dear Neerja~

    I'm sorry about your gran. Is she close enough for you to see her?

    You noticed talking to that young man made you feelt a little better for a while, even if you did think life pointless.

    Most people at one time or another have someone they love ill, or pass away. When that happens it is very easy to say to yourself - "there's nothing I can do, what's the point"

    There is something, and that is to be with someone and, if possible remember they are the same person they have always been, and you talk about the same things you might have before. You might discuss the illness, but as only one thing in many. That is why I asked if your Gran is close by.

    If not then chatty letters are a reasonable substitute. Love and comforting flow both ways, even in very poor circumstances. If you can't reach your gran them whoever loved her most.

    This is the point. Raising money -OK, useful. Being comfort and company -yes. Mind you I should not have to tell you, you do it here , not just in this thread.

    I read before sometimes you wonder why you bother with life. A small change can turn a great deal around. It did for me. I went back to school.

    I'll ask the same of you as April, would you like to tell of a happy memory, you can do so here were others will take comfort from it. It does not have to be big, or long, or significant. Just something you look back on and like

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/store-your-happy-memories-here-/page/25

    The rules -there are not many, are in the very first post of this very long thread.

    If you reflect on it most people here are having a hard time, yet inside them has been enough little memories to fill 25 pages.

    If you think I'm being silly, that's OK, I'm simply offering a change for a moment -no obligation.

    We can be serious again.

    Croix

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  6. hello, hi, 😀
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    11 June 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April,

    You know what you baking shows, it shows your determination, persistence, resilience and improvement. Success is the journey, not the destination. I bet, that your journey would lead you become a even more wonderful baker.

    Lol, I recently I burnt a frozen pizza and I didn't need to anything, besides putting it in the oven, I am stupid.

    I hate when teacher give many assessments for different subjects all together. The first 6 weeks of term we get nothing, but after my class are stuffed with assessments. Is that the same for your school?

    I hope you finish all of your assessments and please remember to take breaks :).

    How has your day been today?

    For me today, also yesterday, has been hard, trying to fit it with the people around me, trying to socialise I guess, trying to adapt to a different environment from home after a while, having people take my answers, having those going away from everything thoughts, trying not to be left out with my classmates and friends, has been difficult and I have a huge headache, lol.

    Warm wishes and sending you strength,

    Neerja

  7. hello, hi, 😀
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    11 June 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    My grandmother lives in another country, we aren't really close either. I just get really worried about her, I wish I got to spend more time with her. When I found out she had cancer, I cried everyday for months. When I went to meet her 3 years ago, she was the most supportive person for me, I didn't notice it then. She was the only person who gave me hugs, who talked to me properly and made me feel belonged. I wish I spent more time with her, I hate myself so much for not doing that. I spent time doing homework and playing with my brothers, but I could have spent more time with her. I am such a stupid, dumb person. I feel guilty, its all my fault.

    I don't think you are being silly. But I have no good memories. I am unworthy for happiness person, who had no good and close friends, hardly any support from family, who is ugly and fat, who is dumb, who stays home all day and never been out in a proper holiday.

    I don't have money, to write my grandmother a letter. I can't even ask my parents.

    Warm wishes,

    Neerja

  8. Croix
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    11 June 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Dear Neerja (with a wave to April)~

    I hope your headache is getting better.

    You have just given me a happy memory you realize:

    "When I went to meet her 3 years ago, she was the most supportive person
    for me, I didn't notice it then. She was the only person who gave me
    hugs, who talked to me properly and made me feel belonged."

    What a way to remember a person. If I was remembered like that I'd feel my life was not wasted"

    As for being a kid and forgetting your crystal ball, so what if you did other things? They all help even if the influences are buried and subtle.

    Not being able to talk with here? Have you actually asked your parents for an overseas envelope and her address? If they say no could you ask your school councilor for help. I'd be surprised if you met a brick wall everywhere you tried.

    If it is any consolation I burn frozen pizza too, or at least I did till I was given a little kitchen timer that looked like a kettle. Now I just twist it for 14 minutes. I'm absent-minded, tend to become preoccupied with one thing to the exclusion of others. The smell of burning pizza does bring your mind back to the present!

    As an educator for many years I always found that the first few weeks of term were spent giving out information, and until the students knew enough there was no point handing out assignment. Unfortunately most educators find the same thing, so 6 weeks in the students are swamped with assignments. Th sign of a good educator is you get them back quickly, in time to use the feedback for the next one.

    May I ask how you get on with your brothers?

    Croix

  9. ____
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    12 June 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hey Croix,

    My psychologist does know that I've previously had suicidal thoughts but I told her I don't anymore as I don't want my parents to find out.

    I understand that you were in the situation I'm in, most likely worse, but I don't understand how you got help. It seems impossible. How old were you then if you don't mind me asking?

    I don't really know why they say to go to an a&e when you feel you have to kill yourself, or if you're already dying, they take you to the hospital. Have they not considered that maybe some people would be better off? I don't wish for anyone else to commit suicide, but I hate that I can't just do it, and if I'm found afterwards and end up in hospital alive, my parents find out. I guess that's another reason I haven't done it, if I fail, my parents find out.

    It took me a while but I thought of another happy memory. Once a week I have one on one singing lessons. As you may have guessed, I'm not a confident person, which makes me make mistakes because I'm scared to mess up. My teacher notices and every time he reminds me that it's a safe place and it doesn't matter if I mess up because no one will know. It's quite dumb but I like it.

    April

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  10. ____
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    12 June 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Hey Neerja,

    I didn't start off as a good baker. I started by making brownies and when eating them later, finding a wonderful chunk of eggshell in them. I guess you're right about determination and persistence. Thank you for your kind words.

    I always seem to have more assignments than subjects which doesn't even make sense. I'm trying to take breaks but it's quite difficult when I need to get things done.

    It's only the morning, so I'll tell you about my day yesterday. I spent my first period of school cramming for a maths test which I took in period two, and I actually think I did okay. Opposite to the way you are trying to feel including, I am trying to leave a group of people as I don't like them very much and a couple of them are just toxic. I want to sit alone at school, but I don't know where. I spent an hour trying to film myself for drama, and watching yourself perform is a great way to give yourself a headache.

    It's not your fault. I have grandparents living in another state, and they are both dying. I often regret not spending more time with them when they were more able-bodied. My gandmother seems to have given up, she has no will to live and we expect she will die soon. I am thankful I am still able to visit them today. If i could, I would send you the means necessary to contact her. I hope someone will be able to help, and I'm sure she would be delighted to hear from you.

    How are you now?

    Thank you so much for supporting me. It's been incredibly helpful.

    April

  11. Sophie_M
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    12 June 2020 in reply to ____
    Hi April,

    We're so glad you were able to think of a happy memory. That's so important at a time when it's clear you're struggling and we know it isn't easy. As we've mentioned alongside others here there is always help available to you and we'd encourage you to reach out to as many of the supports mentioned as often as you need.

    Here's a quick list to remind you of some of then:
    KidsHelpline: https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling
    Reachout: https://au.reachout.com/
    Lifeline: https://www.lifeline.org.au/
    BeyondBlue support service: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support
    Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service (for if and when your concerns relate to the pandemic restrictions): https://coronavirus.beyondblue.org.au/

    And of course, please keep reaching out to us here whenever you feel up to it.
  12. Aaronsis
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    12 June 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April (hi to you too Neerja and a wave to Croix)

    I have been reading your posts and have not really felt like my suggestions were helping, the wonderful support that Neerja and yourself are giving to each other and this is so heartwarming and is the very essence of this forum.

    I can see that Croix has given you really awesome support, I have just read what you wrote about why should one be taken or go to emergency when they are dying or planning to...I wanted to just share some of my thoughts with you, I really do care about you April and I know you don't agree but you matter, you are so very worthwhile and we can see this and we believe in you.

    I think that life is mostly a journey of wonderful, interesting, sad, horrific, questioning, evolving events that make up a time of one person. I think life is precious and when there is a threat to that life we have a duty to intervene. I hear what you are saying in that if one wants to die, why don't we just let them? What if in that moment when they are very close to dying they realize it is not what they wanted at all. What if in that moment they realize that they do have people who love them, people who they love, that life can get better. People care very much about others and this is why we have emergency services, to come to people who are in crisis, who are feeling so much pain that they only see one way out. There is help and support, it does take time to move from a place of total darkness to a place where you can see hope and you can maybe consider that there are better days ahead, I have not been there but I have learnt so much here April, your life will not always be this hard, this painful and full of this much hurt, so why should we say goodbye to a life that can get better, that will change, life constantly changes. I have also read some books about people who have survived attempts on their lives, one thing was common in that in the moment when they did realize it was soon going to be over, they didn't want it to be, that they were regretful and didn't want death.

    These are just my thoughts and opinions April and I am just so beyond sorry that you are in so much pain. I hear you in what you are saying in that how can things get better when the very thing causing you pain is living with you, your feelings about yourself. It takes time to learn to love yourself, please afford yourself that time, to find out who you are and to love every bit of it, you deserve that, you are worth that.

    Hugs

    Sarah

  13. hello, hi, 😀
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    12 June 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April,

    Wow! Singing classes sound so cool, your happy memory does not sound dumb and I am really happy to hear that you liked feeling this sense of a safe environment.

    That sounds like a lot of assignments, I hope you get them finished and take breaks. I have an essay due on Monday. Then more assignments are coming up next week for me.

    I know what you mean about failing and your parents finding out, that is the same reason that stops me too.

    I am really glad you feel that you did okay for your maths test. Wow, drama classes sound so good, I used to have them in primary school. I bet your drama film, was really good.

    Do you have a favourite subject? Are you still able to talk to your drama teacher?

    I am trying to be included and socialise because in my school people gossip if you sit or walk alone, which is really annoying and painful. Last year, my 'friends' used to brag for going on holidays and their weight, scoff at me, take my answers, use me, leave me out in conversions and more. So, I tried to stay away from them and played basketball by myself, that didn't go well for me. I don't what to do, I don't like most of my 'friends' and I can't be alone and 2 people that I actually get along with, have other friends. Today was alright I guess, the school counsellor had a meeting with me, talked to me about my death thoughts, friends and homeschooling stuff, which wasn't that helpful, made me feel worse actually, she told me I wasn't alone because I had friends, but she didn't even consider how they treat me, I played games in school (we had a free session today), left out with friends and don't how my friends actually are and have a headache again today. Sorry about the rant.

    How was your day today?

    I am really, really glad that you are able to visit your grandparents, I hope they get better. How are they doing?

    I don't think my grandmother likes me for not spending enough time with her. My dad was angry with me for doing that too. It makes me hate myself even more.

    Thank you, April, you are a wonderful person to talk to, you have made me feel less alone.

    Thank you again,

    Neerja

  14. hello, hi, 😀
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    12 June 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    I hate myself for not spending enough time with her, I feel really guilty, I don't know why.

    I am really worried about asking my parents, but I might ask my school counsellor for help too. My mum doesn't like my dad's side and vice versa. I don't want to cause an argument. I have already caused so much damage, I don't want to do more.

    I usually spent hours after school and weekends doing my assignments. I try my hardest to submit them all on time. But I just get stressed out with the amount I get.

    Sorry I meant, brother. But I call my cousins brothers too. My actual brother is 5, but we don't have that good of relationship. My mum spends most of her with him, I really wish she could spare some time she spends with him and spend it with me too. My cousins and I aren't close, they live in a different country, I don't have their contact information and we meet every about 4 or more years.

    How are you doing, Croix?

    Thank you and warm wishes,

    Neerja

  15. ____
    ____ avatar
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    12 June 2020 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah,

    I understand what you mean, I don't wish for anyone to commit suicide, and I hope you don't think that's what I mean. In January of 2018, a Dutch woman named Aurelia Brouwers was allowed to end her life with the help of a doctor. She was not terminally ill, yet she was allowed to be euthanised due to a long history of many different mental illnesses including severe depression, anxiety, 'hearing voices'(this is in her wording, i don't know if it also had a diagnosis) and BPD. What is your opinion on this?

    I honestly don't know what else to say, I've said everything. I'm sad, I'm suicidal, I'm a bad person and all that matters to me is what other people think. It's my fault I'm not happy.

    April

  16. Croix
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    12 June 2020 in reply to ____

    Dear April~

    Well, your happy memory reminded me of one of mine, we seem to have a couple of things in common. I think I probably mentioned I went to a lot of schools and all but one were long-term unpleasant. There was one however where the emphasis was on singing, which was pretty amazing. They took singing as seriously as math.

    I ended up in the choir and the lessons were not that easy, but mastering the techniques and being responsible for a voice that soared into the rafters (treble) was unforgettable. I make every mistake in the book, off key, swallow vowels, breath control all over the place, but it was fun! The instructor was a gentlman who had lost a leg during the war, but still played piano and knew exactly what one was doing wrong and sang examples exaggerating my faults, as well as perfect versions. Gentle humor plus nobody to criticize plus a freind.

    A golden time

    With your psych I can understand your fears, which are stifling the truth. Ok you tell the psych, the psych tells your parents. What do they do then? BUT if the illness is never known then it is never treated. All you have is wishful thinking. Look, I'm sorry to be blunt about it. However I too, for different reasons, hid my wanting to kill myself and tried.

    I simply got worse, life became truly horrible. In fact it got do bad that out of pure desperation -plus an insight into how distorted my thinking had become, that made me tell someone else. Then the medics took over and over time I improved until I'm good. I worked on it like you did with the brownies, until I got a mix that worked.

    They say to go to A&E for several reasons, first is where else? Second there is a good chance if you do go you will live, third, and this is what you might like to take note of. All these people, nurses, doctors, attendants and all sorts. All with lives. All busy. Some may have troubles but they have found the thing you haven't yet, that life can be sweet, and that makes up for the rest.

    I ask you for happy memories, not so you can put them in a balance and see if life or death weighs more, but to give you glimpses of how things can be.

    I'd like you to beleive there is hope, no matter what things are like just now.

    You have good instincts, if that group makes you think twice then maybe the inconvenience of trying to find places to be alone outweighs being in their influence. You are also helping Neerja.

    Hang in, I did and it worked out

    Croix

  17. Croix
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    12 June 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Dear Neerja~

    Sometimes psychs are dumb, and I guess you see that, not taking into account how your friends behave. Maybe there are two meanings of freinds. Those you might hang around wiht but can be mean petty, exclusionary and look down on you, and those that want to build you up, look after you, make your life OK -and hope from hte same from you. Plus fun to be wiht if possible.

    I think seeing your councilor might be a good plan, plus can I suggest you say how stressed you are about your parents (whch is obvious from your words) and about the number of assignments -which you did mention

    Perhaps your psych has not thought of this. In 8 schools I had maybe 4 good friends , everywhere were the other sort.

    I don't now why it is but if parents argue and don't get on, for wahtever reason, the kids can feel guilty- more often than not for many. No reason for it. A few take sides. I don't know which is worse. I was like that and regrettable took sides wiht my mother, I wish I hadn't.

    The point I'm working towards it is the parents (i.e.adults) who are doing the arguing or wahtever and not seeing the effect on their kids. So whose fault is it really?

    I'm glad you get on with April, you both need another with the same sort of hassles.

    Croix

  18. hello, hi, 😀
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    13 June 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    I do try to be open with her, but I am scared she will call my parents again. I don't who to trust anymore.

    Are you still in contact with your 4 good friends?

    I feel a bit stressed and unsure when asked what side to choose, I don't want to make the wrong decision and lose the other.

    Warm wishes and thanks for talking to me,

    Neerja

  19. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    13 June 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hey Croix

    You might be okay with sharing this, you might not and I don't mind, but how did you get out of it? Recently I've been trying to find something to look forward to but I'm struggling. I used to see a future for myself, but I don't any more.

    Recently, a girl from my group has become even more toxic and was getting annoyed at me for not dating her asI had told her I liked her months ago. She has become worse and if I don't do what she wants, she tries to guilt me into it.

    My suicidal thoughts are getting worse and I don't really know what to do. I've made a safety plan with a counsellor through the khl webchat and I admitted to her that safety planning felt like we were just prolonging my pain and postponing my death because everyone dies one day. She offered to call an ambulance which shocked me.my mental health isn't bad enough that I'd need an ambulance is it?

    As always, thanks for your support

    April

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  20. ____
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    13 June 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Hey Neerja,

    Good luck with your essay! I luckily don't have any at the moment, just at home assessments.

    I quite like doing drama, although I didn't get a very nice teacher. We have five or six drama teachers in the high school and three in primary. The primary ones are pretty much all nice. A good majority of the high school ones are awful but when I get a good one it's really fun. I think my favourite subject would be art. My teacher is really nice and doesn't mind that I'm not very good.

    I know what you mean about the gossiping. I go to a performing arts school so everyone is over dramatic and most people love to gossip. Is there a teacher you get along with who's room you can sit in? I used to do that but people started sitting in front of the door so I was scared to. I understand that you want to sit with people who are kind and appreciate you. You could try sitting with the nicer friends, see what happens. Otherwise, you could make new friends if possible. If not, unfortunately you'll have to pick between sitting with the toxic friends or by yourself. Sorry if I'm not much help.

    My day was pretty boring. I cleaned out a cupboard and listened to my parents talk about what to do now that my dad has lost his job. We went out for greek food which was nice, although my family doesn't last very long at one table.

    Ah yes, school counsellors. The worst of the worst. They can be helpful, but usually they're not that great and have a lack of understanding. I hope your counsellor is helpful, at least some of the time. How are you feeling now?

    I haven't seen my grandparent in a year or so but they're alive so I'll go with that.

    Even if your grandmother was annoyed about it, if you contacted her I'm sure she would appreciate it. She can't get annoyed at you for contacting her.

    You are such a sweet person and I am thankful I get to speak to you

    April

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  21. Croix
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    13 June 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Dear Neerja

    Trying to take sides in an argument is not that good an idea, it may well make things worse for a start. A better alternative is to let parents know how upsetting they are both being and leave them to it.

    Sadly going to each school, which were not near each other, not always the same country, meant those friendships did not last. Simply too many new things in new places plus kids in my generation did not write that much and phones were expensive , used by adults only for important calls. I was given and had to keep two pennies (around 4 cents) for an emergency call from a phone-box and that was it.

    I did go back and visit one 10 years later in the UK, things had changed and we had different lives. Please to see each other but not much to talk about like we used to. Sad

    Since then new long lasting friendships have blossomed, even one over 30 years.

    If you think that talking to your psych is too much of a risk, have several sessions the the same therapist on the Kids Help Line (phone or chat) and discuss what to do if your parents are the problem. If their presence is stopping you getting decent help then there has to be something that can be done.

    I'll have to try and put in another three pigs joke on Wednesday:)

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  22. hello, hi, 😀
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    hello, hi, 😀 avatar
    537 posts
    14 June 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April,

    I am really glad you talked to a KHL counsellor.

    You are lucky. Essays are time-consuming. I have to write one on Pieces of Sky. The book was pretty good though, better than the last one at least, lol.

    I am really glad you have some teachers that are nice and you can talk to.

    Lol, so many people love to gossip.

    I have this PE teacher, who is pretty nice, she is actually the person who made me talk to the school counsellor and coordinator.

    You are right, I guess I have to choose sitting with toxic friends or by myself. I just don't want to be that barrier and the person who makes things awkward with the nicer friends. I will have to find out a way to withdraw from the toxic friends somehow. Whenever I do, they start asking me what they did and saying that there is something wrong with me.

    Please don't apologise, you are a lot of help.

    I am really sorry that your dad lost his job.

    Going out for greek food sounds fun, but I am really sorry your family doesn't last on one table. My family, try to act normal when we go out, we stay on one table, no arguments, fake kindness and yeah, but it's funny though, because it is so different than at home, lol.

    My school counsellor, i don't know if she has been that helpful, but I know that the depression and low self-esteem information sheets she gives me aren't, they make me feel weird and aren't helpful. But she is alright, I guess, sometimes to talk to. I am doing alright as its been a few days after.

    How are you doing?

    I think you are right, I will try to contact my grandmother somehow.

    You are a really kind and empathetic person, I am thankful too that I get to talk to someone like you,

    Neerja

  23. hello, hi, 😀
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    hello, hi, 😀 avatar
    537 posts
    14 June 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    I think you are right. I shouldn't take sides and it will make things worse. As I will end up losing one. I will try to tell them.

    I am really sorry your positive friendships from school didn't last due to moving away. But it is amazing, that one of your friendship lasted over 30 years!

    I will try to talk to KHL again. I don't why but when I talked to one of the counsellors there, it felt rushed and I felt like they didn't want to talk to me. Also the waiting times are really long, lol. But I will try it again.

    Thank you Croix for talking to me :) and I can't wait to read your Three Little Pigs joke on Wednesday!

    Warm wishes,

    Neerja

  24. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    11061 posts
    14 June 2020 in reply to ____

    Dear April~

    You asked a pretty serious question

    "how did you get out of it? Recently I've been trying to find something
    to look forward to but I'm struggling. I used to see a future for
    myself, but I don't any more"

    It deserves a serious answer, though if you make any sense out of it I don't know, I hope you do.

    I was in a job that was toxic for me, in fact I ended up suicidal becuse of it. However I did nothing but hang on. Unlike fear of parents and peers I had fear of losing job, wages, identity, occupation and more. I was also afraid I'd be locked up in a hospital if I said anything and like you considered it was all my own fault.

    Well I left it too long and lost the job anyway, in fact it was more question I could no longer do it. This made me feel more useless than ever so I decided to take my life and made preparations .At that point I had a thought, It was about humor (though I guess it could be about many things) and I came to realize there had to be something better. If I had humor in me waiting to be used I had more in front of me in life than I'd thought.

    So I waited, told my partner the truth (I had always hidden the matter from everyone before) and went to a psych. I was asked if I'd voluntarily go into hospital for a bit, to try out medicines and therapies and I agreed. It had to be better than the way I'd been living.

    That hospital stay was not the end of the matter, but it showed me a break, no pressure. Worth it.

    I stuck with therapy and meds and gradually improved. Whenever I've thought things were so bad I wanted to take my life I've remembered I've been though that already and survived. It's a comforting thought.

    There is more to it, but that was the turning point for me. Asking for help and getting a competent response

    As I've said before, now I'm good. I enjoy things. I'd like that for you. You just have not had the thought that fits you yet.

    No your mental health is not 100%, but that does not mean that it will not get better. You were given a choice over the ambulance, that should tell you something -the chat lady respected your judgment and trusted you.

    Now I'll mention something to you, if I've misunderstood anything my apologies, its about that girl. Would you want to go with anyone who tried emotional blackmail, a basically selfish thing, not thinking of you as a person at all. It is not the gender of the person that makes it, it is the way they are inside.

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  25. josh1245
    josh1245 avatar
    176 posts
    15 June 2020 in reply to ____
    hey _ firstly I would like to welcome you to this wonderful online community and would also would like to applaud you for your incredible strength and bravery and asking in help and telling your story. I'm really sorry that you are going through a hard time at the moment but everyone in the beyondblue community is here to support you every step of the way.
    I would like to hear from the future
    best regards.
  26. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    15 June 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hey Neerja and Croix,

    I'm really tired so I'm just going to respond to you both in one post as I'd like to get to bed and I wrote a post to Neerja earlier but forgot to send it and lost it. Sorry for being lazy.

    Croix, I cannot tell you how desperately I want to get help. I feel like it's either that or die (very dramatic) because this doesn't really feel like living. There's a really sweet kid in the year below me and seeing him makes me so happy. He understands how I feel and he doesn't do the whole 'nooo don't kill yourself' act which I am SO sick of. I think he's one of the only people who make me not want to die (the others are you guys, my drama teacher and my singing teacher which is a sad bunch considering I've never met you guys and the other two are teachers)

    In every post I say my thoughts are getting worse and even I don't understand how. Every day I think it couldn't get any worse but I'm extremely wrong. This is why I want help. I'm worried it'll get to the point where I need to go to the hospital and my parents find out.

    I want to get way from this girl but I don't know how.

    Neerja, I might read pieces of the sky as it looks kinda interesting. For english I have to write a dystopian short story and I'm terrible at writing fiction so it is very much based on 1984.

    Do you like PE? I am awful at sport so I'm the kid at the back who ducks when the ball gets near her.

    The fake nice sucks. We all sit there and make awful small talk until we get home and then continue to pretend we don't know the family exists.

    I'm glad your counsellor is helpful, sometimes it's good to just get things off your chest.

    Honestly I've been struggling quite a bit. I'm getting sick of this kid in my year telling me that 'white privilege doesn't exist'. I want to support the BLM movement and I'm trying to convince this kid that it does very much exist, and he and I have both benefited from being white but he comes up with the dumbest arguments like ' um...no white privilege is bs'.

    How are you doing? Has your school mentioned BLM? Our school is good at pretending stuff doesn't exist. We've had three deaths while I've been here and they did a good job of making it seem meaningless.

    April

    Sorry if my responses aren't very good, I'm emotionally exhausted. Also Neerja sorry if you get the other post, I have no idea if I sent it or not.

  27. Guest_1643
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Guest_1643 avatar
    4854 posts
    15 June 2020

    Hey all I posted in this thread initially so have now came back and seen what an interesting and intelligent discussion it has been. Thanks for starting it April.
    I like the questions you ask and the way you respond to others here, of course it's not easy but even if a stressful time for yourself, you're able to connect and relate to people here.
    I know what you mean about fearing sounding dramatic - tbh I feel the same. I had to end certain toxic friendsihps, and i think it will sound very dramatic but I felt I did so to save my own life. They were bringing me down and I didn't know when that could stop or how I could survive it.

    The kid in the year below you sounds so kind and caring. Hope you have some good chats. Good luck with ur week at school, thanks for starting this thread!


  28. hello, hi, 😀
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    hello, hi, 😀 avatar
    537 posts
    16 June 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April,

    Please don't apologise, I understand you are emotionally exhausted and responding even when you are tired, is not lazy at all, spending your time to reply is a sign of your qualities and kindness.

    We all understand and we all would like to be your friends. :)

    I am really glad that the other student in your school is understanding and supportive, also the fact that he doesn't do the 'nooo don't kill yourself' act. That is annoying. My parents did that too when they found out, because of that I am hiding those thoughts from them.

    I am really sorry that the thoughts are getting worse. I understand what you mean about going to hospital and parents finding out, that fear stops me too.

    I am really sorry that girl isn't getting away. Have you tried to have a conversation with that girl about how you don't like her doing that and you want to keep it to just friends? Sorry, I know that's not helpful.

    I am terrible with fictional writing too. I have never written a dystopian short story, but they sound really hard, especially because it is an imagined society with injustices and problems. What grade are you in? (you don't have to answer that) 1984 sounds like a great choice of the time frame!

    I am awful at sports too. I am that girl who stands in the back and when a ball comes near me, I leave it there lol. But I do play basketball for a team, however, I have taken a month-long break because I don't feel motivated to play anymore, I feel like I am surrounded with a thick, unmotivating, dull and dark cloud now.

    Yeah, that fake nice does suck, it gives me this stupid false hope. It is annoying when everyone all of the sudden goes back to normal pretending the family doesn't exist.

    To be honest, I don't know whether the counsellor is helpful, lol. All she gives me depression, body image and GP information sheets, and isn't helpful with those thoughts and she comes in weird times in class to get me. But you are right, sometimes it's helpful to just get things off your chest.

    It is so amazing that you are trying to argue back and make a change in your peer's opinions. I really support the BLM movement, but I really think there should be more done towards it. It really annoy me how people like that kid, who say that white privilege doesn't exist. My school just talks a little about the BLM Movement. 3 deaths are a lot. People can be so self-centred sometimes and don't realise how important some things really are.

    How are you doing?

    Sending you hugs,

    Neerja

  29. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    16 June 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Hey Neerja,

    Thank you for being so understanding. I hate the useless attempts at making you feel better. 'don't be depressed', 'just calm down', 'why are you sad? your life isn't that bad'.

    I have not yet talked to her as I'm not good at confrontation, especially if I'm the one doing the confronting! I don't think I'm going to as I'm worried she'll deny it all and just tell everyone what an awful person I am. I don't know where else to go as I don't want to sit there but where else can I sit? I am never sitting in the bathroom again, I did it for a month and it was disgusting.

    I will admit I am absolutely terrible at fiction. My story is so far just a title saying put story name here. Based on your book in class, I'm guessing you're older than me. I'm in year 9.

    I'm glad you are able to talk to someone. Your posts suggests you struggle with body image as your counsellor gave you information on it. If you don't feel comfortable talking about it you don't have to, but how does it affect you? I am extremely self conscious about my weight and I've spent the last year trying to lose a good amount. I used to be a small fit kid but (I don't want to blame my depression, it's my fault I'm fat) as I've slowly stopped doing anything, I've become overweight.

    I'm feeling better than yesterday which is good. I'm just hoping it stays that way? What about you?

    Thank you for being here and I hope I am able to help you too.

    April

  30. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    11061 posts
    17 June 2020 in reply to ____

    Dear April~

    I like the sound of that sweet kid you mentioned. All the phrases you said are indeed junk, even if well meant, thogh it's just as likely fear.

    I'd like to learn from that kid, do you talk much or hang out? Would you like to say a little more? The more right things I know the better I am for myself and others I talk with.

    As for freinds, you have probably seen into our hearts here more than the people around you, and if you like a couple of teachers -so? They are human, I was a teacher, but then again I'm a walrus so that probably doesn't count:(

    I'd like to ask you and Neerja a question. You are at a roadblock that is stopping you take steps to improve your lives because you don't want your parents to know. Know what -that you are suicidal?

    Have you ever thought about how they should behave so you don't mind them knowing so much?

    Sorry for the questions, I guess I get stuck at times and need help

    Croix

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