Well, your happy memory reminded me of one of mine, we seem to have a couple of things in common. I think I probably mentioned I went to a lot of schools and all but one were long-term unpleasant. There was one however where the emphasis was on singing, which was pretty amazing. They took singing as seriously as math.
I ended up in the choir and the lessons were not that easy, but mastering the techniques and being responsible for a voice that soared into the rafters (treble) was unforgettable. I make every mistake in the book, off key, swallow vowels, breath control all over the place, but it was fun! The instructor was a gentlman who had lost a leg during the war, but still played piano and knew exactly what one was doing wrong and sang examples exaggerating my faults, as well as perfect versions. Gentle humor plus nobody to criticize plus a freind.
A golden time
With your psych I can understand your fears, which are stifling the truth. Ok you tell the psych, the psych tells your parents. What do they do then? BUT if the illness is never known then it is never treated. All you have is wishful thinking. Look, I'm sorry to be blunt about it. However I too, for different reasons, hid my wanting to kill myself and tried.
I simply got worse, life became truly horrible. In fact it got do bad that out of pure desperation -plus an insight into how distorted my thinking had become, that made me tell someone else. Then the medics took over and over time I improved until I'm good. I worked on it like you did with the brownies, until I got a mix that worked.
They say to go to A&E for several reasons, first is where else? Second there is a good chance if you do go you will live, third, and this is what you might like to take note of. All these people, nurses, doctors, attendants and all sorts. All with lives. All busy. Some may have troubles but they have found the thing you haven't yet, that life can be sweet, and that makes up for the rest.
I ask you for happy memories, not so you can put them in a balance and see if life or death weighs more, but to give you glimpses of how things can be.
I'd like you to beleive there is hope, no matter what things are like just now.
You have good instincts, if that group makes you think twice then maybe the inconvenience of trying to find places to be alone outweighs being in their influence. You are also helping Neerja.
Hang in, I did and it worked out